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diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o index 4e7bc5bc08e..d0ac22f3d80 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o @@ -248,19 +248,19 @@ had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! You've been bowling again!" % - A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved -dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his + A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved +dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet. "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. - The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," -he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way -of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got -outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a + The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," +he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way +of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got +outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? How's Mom?" - His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got + His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got outside one day..." % A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? @@ -317,14 +317,14 @@ NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" "Yeah. Me and my sister." % - A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old -Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches + A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old +Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this is eight-year-old Scotch." The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- -most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even +most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this is on the house." A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this @@ -365,7 +365,7 @@ hung than *anybody*." all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" "Running Bear Sheldon." % - A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. + A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure @@ -373,16 +373,16 @@ what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, "Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" - "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my + "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just -hasn't been your day, has it?" +hasn't been your day, has it?" % - A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this -particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the -man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very -fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, -felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under + A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this +particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the +man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very +fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, +felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, @@ -391,11 +391,11 @@ quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" % A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, -while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife +while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew -that he had ever eaten. +that he had ever eaten. "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What kind of meat is it?" "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. @@ -404,8 +404,8 @@ kind of meat is it?" "Rabbits don't make any noise..." "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" % - A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother -asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange + A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother +asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." @@ -414,9 +414,9 @@ girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!" - The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, -silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued -staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something + The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, +silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued +staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if @@ -514,18 +514,18 @@ this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." "Well, would you live in this house?" - "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. + "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. I've always loved it here." "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" "No." "Why not?" "She's left handed." % - A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. -They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate -love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned + A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. +They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate +love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." - She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off + She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose." % A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, @@ -534,7 +534,7 @@ settle for a kiss." The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" % After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient -earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several +earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a name for my baby." @@ -581,13 +581,13 @@ yaki-san!" The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, "What do you mean, wrong hole?" % - An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial + An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. -Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was +Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." @@ -612,21 +612,21 @@ handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?" % - An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a -man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names, please?" + An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a +man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names, please?" said the soldier. - "My name is Mary," said the woman. - "And mine is Joseph," said the man. + "My name is Mary," said the woman. + "And mine is Joseph," said the man. "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you going?" "To Bethlehem." - "Your reason for going there?" + "Your reason for going there?" "To pay our taxes to the government." "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" - "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto + "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto Ricans?" % - An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the + An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, @@ -703,23 +703,23 @@ Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast." % - Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, -Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and -subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this -sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste + Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, +Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and +subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this +sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." - Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's -blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. -Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to + Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's +blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. +Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" % - Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best + Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went. - "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second -night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six -times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the + "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second +night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six +times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" @@ -739,8 +739,8 @@ unto a snowball in Hell." But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The -latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing -with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole +latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing +with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles. -- Harlan Ellison % @@ -788,7 +788,7 @@ the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her, Nov 9 Korean War Amputees Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients % - "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll + "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" % "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. @@ -809,11 +809,11 @@ to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming -in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck -the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door -she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in -response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my -ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, +in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck +the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door +she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in +response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my +ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you... uh... don't have all the..." "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" % @@ -829,29 +829,29 @@ They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" % - During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were -blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face -country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost + During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were +blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face +country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." % - During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her + During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" % - Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a -blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, -while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved -to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a -pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." - He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, + Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a +blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, +while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved +to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a +pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." + He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no -protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she -tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. - Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the -tug at his sleeve. "Again?" +protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she +tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. + Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the +tug at his sleeve. "Again?" And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." @@ -884,27 +884,27 @@ of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten and not care." % - Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see -a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a + Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see +a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" - The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, + The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" % - Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, -obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance -floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette + Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, +obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance +floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties unimpaired?" - The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not -all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a -girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place + The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not +all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a +girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." - "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to + "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to fail me." % Farmer Johnson was drunk again. @@ -918,7 +918,7 @@ could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob." "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," said the guy aggressively. "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. - "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in + "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in town." "Oh, no, you won't." "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." @@ -947,27 +947,27 @@ such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... - At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded + At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second -professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others -nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" +professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops'." Again, the others +nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets'." They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your thoughts?" - Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" + Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose'." % - Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their -engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who -was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy + Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their +engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who +was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?" "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." % "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this -beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a -dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little +beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a +dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" % @@ -987,7 +987,7 @@ differences once and for all. When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" % - Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home + Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife. "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost @@ -1003,7 +1003,7 @@ the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a -situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no +situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned @@ -1050,7 +1050,7 @@ to a dead cat, do you?" -- Monty Python % "Hello, Police Department." - "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually + "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping @@ -1058,11 +1058,11 @@ on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down. I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I -couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty +couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. -Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on +Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my... Just a minute." @@ -1293,18 +1293,18 @@ Assume that she bought them at a flea market. people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written -by a professional liar? +by a professional liar? If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: did the applicant go to TCU? If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" % - On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum -to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. -There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning -alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't -dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is + On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum +to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. +There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning +alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't +dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is saying." The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back @@ -1676,7 +1676,7 @@ farewell is consummated between the sheets. As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that -we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" +we should do something for you. He said `Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea." % The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the @@ -1781,7 +1781,7 @@ the Church after something like that." into Safeway anymore either." % There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in -a bar having a few drinks together. +a bar having a few drinks together. The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild in bed?" "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the @@ -1804,10 +1804,10 @@ nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun it once, and the damn dog bit me!" % "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their -parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone +parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind -Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the +Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the @@ -1816,10 +1816,10 @@ country. We're completely computerized. leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They -look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... +look over the kid's photos and information and they say, `Oh, the Emersons... yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' - "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. + "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if @@ -1892,37 +1892,37 @@ arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do for a living?" "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." % - Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally + Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow shum money from my wife." - The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, + The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. -This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to +This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to affect the husband. "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he asked. "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for Pete's sake, turn off those lights." - Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's + Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." % - Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club + Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club car of a train headed east out of Chicago. "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to London?" - The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," + The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did he say, Reggie?" "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman replied. - After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You + After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" - The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he -exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months + The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he +exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months just before I came back to the States!" "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. @@ -1931,7 +1931,7 @@ just before I came back to the States!" were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. - Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to + Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, "Ah, why doncha suck my cock." "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going @@ -1948,26 +1948,26 @@ and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." % - Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about + Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife has cut me down to just once a week." - "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know + "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know two guys she's cut off altogether. % - Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering -the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the -mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he -noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, -hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and -the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're -lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he + Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering +the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the +mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he +noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, +hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and +the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're +lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner -asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally -the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he -said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at -this ungodly hour?" +asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally +the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he +said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at +this ungodly hour?" The man said, "Come into the embalming room." - They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now + They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now watch." He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at @@ -2050,7 +2050,7 @@ Rumania. -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" % While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of -the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, +the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" @@ -2104,7 +2104,7 @@ his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." be anything else?" % You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an -elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you +elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you up in the bar last night?" "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. "Did I bring you home?" @@ -2304,13 +2304,13 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy "just for the articles". 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. - 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone + 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the "powder room" with everyone else's beer. 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill. % -A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for -more than a year. +A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for +more than a year. "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He @@ -2319,7 +2319,7 @@ A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through this part of town?" "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." - Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of + Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of thing," and turned on his heel and left. Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the @@ -2396,7 +2396,7 @@ Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. % A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and -purgatory for the purse. +purgatory for the purse. % A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right @@ -2780,9 +2780,9 @@ shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was. - "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass + "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say `Tickle your ass with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she -sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'" +sounds angry, you smile and say `Typically nasty weather.'" The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention, he smiles and says "Fuck me!" @@ -2842,15 +2842,15 @@ speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above." -At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. +At the first mention of "fokkers" the class giggled a little bit. "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more -fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". -At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing +fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle." +At this second and third mention of "fokkers" the class was almost laughing openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain -to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the +to the class that a "fokker" was a particular type of plane flown by the German Air Force. - He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts". + He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts." % A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, @@ -3016,7 +3016,7 @@ Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass. backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match, thet one wuz!" "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use -the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead." +the word `screw' in the courtroom. Say `intercourse' instead." Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?" His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue." @@ -3527,12 +3527,12 @@ and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, -and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say -'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" +and said, "Say `Pretty boy'." Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say +`Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on -its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" +its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: `Pretty boy ... pretty boy'." "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. @@ -3622,7 +3622,7 @@ attendant. "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper pricks than those raised in Africa?" The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, -"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are +"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are about the same." % A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at @@ -3889,7 +3889,7 @@ AC/DC is a rock band. Achilles' Biological Findings: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. - (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first + (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. % Adam's Law: @@ -3898,7 +3898,7 @@ Adam's Law: (2) Men know very well what they want; having got it, they begin to lose interest. % -Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, +Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... % Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- @@ -3929,8 +3929,8 @@ for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The -girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. - "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could +girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. + "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl like you doing in a hotel like this?" @@ -4094,7 +4094,7 @@ crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make -president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody +president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not @@ -4189,7 +4189,7 @@ America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing. An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches. % An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about -the happiness of life. +the happiness of life. "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night Football," the American said. @@ -4199,13 +4199,13 @@ romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front -door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking +door. You hear loud voices, `Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!' Quaking with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret -policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van +policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, `Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and -shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh -lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends. +shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, `Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh +lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends." % An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the @@ -4276,7 +4276,7 @@ who has seen the Managing Director face on). -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" % And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God -upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of +upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of criminal at the bar of justice. -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer % @@ -4374,14 +4374,14 @@ there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it. % Another stupid gay joke!!! You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry -daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't +daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come in and kick your ass?" The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo thurstay...." Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer -on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon -as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the +on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon +as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" @@ -4489,7 +4489,7 @@ the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. % As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew -his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, +his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You could have been killed!" @@ -4578,11 +4578,11 @@ popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll -give you $10 for a blow job." +give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" - Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! + Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!" % Balls Law: @@ -4634,7 +4634,7 @@ beef stroganoff, n: "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past." "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man -replied. +replied. "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." % Beifeld's Principle: @@ -4662,7 +4662,7 @@ While Riley was away. % Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut? Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. -Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. +Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. % Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda. @@ -4692,9 +4692,9 @@ results. -- The Joy of Sex [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.] % -Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they -discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women -can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she +Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they +discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women +can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" % Birth, copulation and death. @@ -4776,10 +4776,10 @@ brunette bush, n: bug, n: A son of a glitch. % -Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee +Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. -The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about -cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with +The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about +cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" % @@ -4805,9 +4805,9 @@ CAD: that he's sterile until she's pregnant. % CALIFORNIA: - From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or - Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or - "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." + From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or + Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia", for "sexual intercourse" or + "fornication". Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran, Covina, California % Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... @@ -4944,7 +4944,7 @@ a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. % CHRISTMAS: - A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry + A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best response time of the entire year. % @@ -5221,9 +5221,9 @@ Cox's philosophy: % coyote love, n: Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is - the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles + the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping - on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you + on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you chew off your arm at the shoulder. coyote ugly, adj: @@ -5232,9 +5232,9 @@ coyote ugly, adj: % coyote love, n: Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is - the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles + the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping - on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you + on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you chew off your arm at the shoulder. coyote ugly, adj: @@ -5368,7 +5368,7 @@ Dear Confused: Dear Ann Landers: I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death -in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when +in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells narcotics. I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where @@ -5453,7 +5453,7 @@ again. asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he had found the answers to all of his questions! "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh -125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!" +125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an `F' in sex!" % Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot? % @@ -5602,7 +5602,7 @@ said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to -say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz +say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, `Eat it raw, fuzz nuts.'" -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon % @@ -5735,7 +5735,7 @@ Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. Except for women. % Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus -Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" +Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders". % Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans @@ -5747,7 +5747,7 @@ cats. They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something about it. They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. - They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? + They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible. It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or @@ -5931,7 +5931,7 @@ For children, a woman. For pleasure, a boy. For sheer ecstasy, a melon. % -For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an +For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was raised! % @@ -5955,7 +5955,7 @@ For the sores on his prick he used Dial. That failed; he gave Lava a trial. But the one remedy For contagious V.D. -Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. +Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. % "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, "You have told me my bosom is snowy; @@ -6226,8 +6226,8 @@ GAY: One who'd rather swish than fight. % GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because -you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too + You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because +you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. % Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? @@ -6239,8 +6239,8 @@ George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the -foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw -another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up +foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw +another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" % George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he @@ -6251,9 +6251,9 @@ GEORGIA: Where kinky sex means getting laid. % "Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out." -"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!" +"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is `No'!" "Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!" -"The worst she can say... is 'No'!" +"The worst she can say... is `No'!" "Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif you'd like to go out with me!" @@ -6271,7 +6271,7 @@ Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race. I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, But you'll only see me in you dreams. "Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. -"Well, she didn't say no..." +"Well, she didn't say `no'..." -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" % GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! @@ -6796,7 +6796,7 @@ pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. % He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. % -He who trains his tongue to quote the learned +He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. -- Howard Kandel % @@ -7195,7 +7195,7 @@ one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the -court was going to take a nap. +court was going to take a nap. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" % Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, @@ -7701,7 +7701,7 @@ I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. % I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. % -I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. +I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. -- Firesign Theatre % @@ -7751,7 +7751,7 @@ I wish that my room had a floor; I don't so much care for a door, But this walking around Without touching the ground -Is getting to be quite a bore! +Is getting to be quite a bore! -- Gelett Burgess % I wonder what my wife will want tonight; @@ -8383,11 +8383,10 @@ day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar. It seems that John gets this phone call: "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line is hard and cold. - "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months -ago. + "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months ago." "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?" "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and -we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant +we parked? And you told me that I was a `good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself tonight." John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well," he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport." @@ -8649,7 +8648,7 @@ I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a - public toilet during a tour of the Far East + public toilet during a tour of the Far East % Jack an Jill went up the hill. Jill went down, @@ -8673,7 +8672,7 @@ Each had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two and a half -- And you thought that they went for water. % -Jack and Jill +Jack and Jill Went up the hill, Each had a buck and a quarter! Jill came down, @@ -8725,7 +8724,7 @@ Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. % Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink. - "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the + "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the women and children aboard the lifeboats first." "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted. "Do we have time?" Hart asked. @@ -8747,7 +8746,7 @@ Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. % Just go with the flow control, roll with the -crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. +crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. % Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys @@ -9527,13 +9526,13 @@ to screw again as long as I live. % My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. % -My travel agent's an Oxford chap +My travel agent's an Oxford chap Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. -I asked him about the Isle of Man +I asked him about the Isle of Man For a journey of about six weeks. -And this is what he said to me +And this is what he said to me As he looked me right in the eye, -"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip +"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip Of Elephant Shit On Rye." A brand-new store just opened its door @@ -9973,15 +9972,15 @@ Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady -and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. -The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna -fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I -wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you -sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona +and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. +The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna +fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I +wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you +sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go -to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say -you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man -at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I +to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say +you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man +at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I gonna back to Italy. % Once a woman has given you her heart you @@ -10030,20 +10029,20 @@ know, the bull surprised the brown cow." Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster. -"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic -and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, -bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among -his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. -It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and -began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this -rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, -however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next -morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in -the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure -enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer -shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told -you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head -toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to +"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic +and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, +bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among +his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. +It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and +began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this +rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, +however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next +morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in +the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure +enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer +shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told +you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head +toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to the birds above. "I think they're coming down." % Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One @@ -10086,7 +10085,7 @@ all his might. Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" - The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been + The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!" % @@ -10207,15 +10206,15 @@ inquired. "Because he likes to fuck pigs." % "One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most -gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she -said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I -guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my -analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the -problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'... -I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect -stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac +gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said `Hi,' and she +said `Hi,' and then I said `Nice day, isn't it,' and she said `Yeah, I +guess'... I said `What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said `I saw my +analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked `What's the +problem?'... she replied `I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'... +I said `Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect +stranger on a bus.' So she said, `Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said, -'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'" +`Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'" -- Stephen Wright % One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot @@ -10259,7 +10258,7 @@ bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to call a doctor. "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor -gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of +gravely. "If you cut a shallow `X' over the bite and then suck as much of the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not much hope." Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and @@ -10295,7 +10294,7 @@ to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?" - "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" + "Mama asked, `What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish" % One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives @@ -10545,9 +10544,9 @@ polish fly, n: % Politicians do it to everyone. % -Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. +Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. -'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with +"She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even @@ -10558,8 +10557,8 @@ are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising -that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has -nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. +that slave dealers pay large sums for her." Thus Richard Burton. It has +nothing to do with "race" but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. -- The Joy of Sex % Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis @@ -10623,8 +10622,8 @@ Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. % Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked -in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a -picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" +in... He said, `Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a +picture of this.' I said, `No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash. % Procrastinators do it tomorrow. @@ -10658,7 +10657,7 @@ out the door. pubic hair, n: Organic dental floss. % -Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, +Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, And frollicked in the Autumn mist, And drank Manishiewitz wine. Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff, @@ -11737,7 +11736,7 @@ Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855 % SEMINARS: - From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. + From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. % Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would notify you if the record has pornographics material or @@ -12208,7 +12207,7 @@ successful cunnilingus: SUGAR DADDY: A man who can afford to raise cain. % -Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! +Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. % Sure banking is Biblical! @@ -12425,12 +12424,12 @@ and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner table. Remember all that, Ed?" "Yeh." "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass -the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy +the gravy when Mother said, `Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, 'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?" "Yeh." - "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_." + "Well, when you hollered `Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_." % The bustard's a remarkable fowl With surely no reason to growl @@ -12672,9 +12671,9 @@ two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full account of the wedding night's progress. "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince -entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my -honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' -And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer. +entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, `I offer you my +honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, `I honor your offer.' +And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer." % The King named Oedipus Rex Who started this fuss about sex @@ -12869,19 +12868,19 @@ took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me. - The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. -Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, + The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. +Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to -overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster +overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster maintained a formidable lead. - Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the + Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot. "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer." % The nipples of Sarah Sarong When excited are twelve inches long - This embarrassed her lover + This embarrassed her lover Who was pained to discover She expected no less of his dong % @@ -12991,7 +12990,7 @@ been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings -and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the +and said, `These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost. @@ -13134,7 +13133,7 @@ inquired. The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the -dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's +dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..." % The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray @@ -13279,7 +13278,7 @@ youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. "That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against nature. The bully!" "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." - "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same + "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." % @@ -13359,7 +13358,7 @@ stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber." Then there was the girl who was engaged to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off. % -Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or +Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses. % Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting @@ -13448,7 +13447,7 @@ beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash I've had my pecker in for a long time!" % -There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a +There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. % There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- @@ -13529,18 +13528,18 @@ Got his testicles caught in a wringer. There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing -the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. - One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry -tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, -feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, -but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to -participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not +the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. + One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry +tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, +feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, +but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to +participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." - Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom + Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small -load!" +load!" % There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth- brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to @@ -13650,13 +13649,13 @@ DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. % This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women -stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, -looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a -stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly -desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a -one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he -decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, -and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the +stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, +looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a +stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly +desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a +one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he +decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, +and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when @@ -13763,8 +13762,8 @@ to bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who -won't be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was -going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake +won't be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was +going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. @@ -13824,8 +13823,8 @@ it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry." % -Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the -better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was +Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the +better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was going to test their ability at situation reasoning. "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several @@ -14062,11 +14061,11 @@ will get hard?" Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that went along these lines: - (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" - (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" + (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's `waaaahmmmb'" + (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's `woooooommmb'" and this continued for quite sometime. Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is -'womb'" and trotted off. +`womb'" and trotted off. (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart underwater." @@ -14144,7 +14143,7 @@ had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was. "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch." - "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to + "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her back." "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling. @@ -14207,7 +14206,7 @@ TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. - Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed + Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. % USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- @@ -14587,7 +14586,7 @@ Is playing tonsil hockey. Well, I'd left home just a week before, And I'd never ever kissed a woman before, But Lola smiled and took me by the hand, -And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!' +And said "Little boy, gonna make you a man!" Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola. La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola. @@ -14812,7 +14811,7 @@ the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. "I've got to lay you or Jack off." "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." % -When I need something +When I need something To help me unwind I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy With a one-track mind Does a lot for me @@ -14952,7 +14951,7 @@ will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform. into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent -erection. +erection. Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" % |