1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152
153
154
155
156
157
158
159
160
161
162
163
164
165
166
167
168
169
170
171
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
180
181
182
183
184
185
186
187
188
189
190
191
192
193
194
195
196
197
198
199
200
201
202
203
204
205
206
207
208
209
210
211
212
213
214
215
216
217
218
219
220
221
222
223
224
225
226
227
228
229
230
231
232
233
234
235
236
237
238
239
240
241
242
243
244
245
246
247
248
249
250
251
252
253
254
255
256
257
258
259
260
261
262
263
264
265
266
267
268
269
270
271
272
273
274
275
276
277
278
279
280
281
282
283
284
285
286
287
288
289
290
291
292
293
294
295
296
297
298
299
300
301
302
303
304
305
306
307
308
309
310
311
312
313
314
315
316
317
318
319
320
321
322
323
324
325
326
327
328
329
330
331
332
333
334
335
336
337
338
339
340
341
342
343
344
345
346
347
348
349
350
351
352
353
354
355
356
357
358
359
360
361
362
363
364
365
366
367
368
369
370
371
372
373
374
375
376
377
378
379
380
381
382
383
384
385
386
387
388
389
390
391
392
393
394
395
396
397
398
399
400
401
402
403
404
405
406
407
408
409
410
411
412
413
414
415
416
417
418
419
420
421
422
423
424
425
426
427
428
429
430
431
432
433
434
435
436
437
438
439
440
441
442
443
444
445
446
447
448
449
450
451
452
453
454
455
456
457
458
459
460
461
462
463
464
465
466
467
468
469
470
471
472
473
474
475
476
477
478
479
480
481
482
483
484
485
486
487
488
489
490
491
492
493
494
495
496
497
498
499
500
501
502
503
504
505
506
507
508
509
510
511
512
513
514
515
516
517
518
519
520
521
522
523
524
525
526
527
528
529
530
531
532
533
534
535
536
537
538
539
540
541
542
543
544
545
546
547
548
549
550
551
552
553
554
555
556
557
558
559
560
561
562
563
564
565
566
567
568
569
570
571
572
573
574
575
576
577
578
579
580
581
582
583
584
585
586
587
588
589
590
591
592
593
594
595
596
597
598
599
600
601
602
603
604
605
606
607
608
609
610
611
612
613
614
615
616
617
618
619
620
621
622
623
624
625
626
627
628
629
630
631
632
633
634
635
636
637
638
639
640
641
642
643
644
645
646
647
648
649
650
651
652
653
654
655
656
657
658
659
660
661
662
663
664
665
666
667
668
669
670
671
672
673
674
675
676
677
678
679
680
681
682
683
684
685
686
687
688
689
690
691
692
693
694
695
696
697
698
699
700
701
702
703
704
705
706
707
708
709
710
711
712
713
714
715
716
717
718
719
720
721
722
723
724
725
726
727
728
729
730
731
732
733
734
735
736
737
738
739
740
741
742
743
744
745
746
747
748
749
750
751
752
753
754
755
756
757
758
759
760
761
762
763
764
765
766
767
768
769
770
771
772
773
774
775
776
777
778
779
780
781
782
783
784
785
786
787
788
789
790
791
792
793
794
795
796
797
798
799
800
801
802
803
804
805
806
807
808
809
810
811
812
813
814
815
816
817
818
819
820
821
822
823
824
825
826
827
828
829
830
831
832
833
834
835
836
837
838
839
840
841
842
843
844
845
846
847
848
849
850
851
852
853
854
855
856
857
858
859
860
861
862
863
864
865
866
867
868
869
870
871
872
873
874
875
876
877
878
879
880
881
882
883
884
885
886
887
888
889
890
891
892
893
894
895
896
897
898
899
900
901
902
903
904
905
906
907
908
909
910
911
912
913
914
915
916
917
918
919
920
921
922
923
924
925
926
927
928
929
930
931
932
933
934
935
936
937
938
939
940
941
942
943
944
945
946
947
948
949
950
951
952
953
954
955
956
957
958
959
960
961
962
963
964
965
966
967
968
969
970
971
972
973
974
975
976
977
978
979
980
981
982
983
984
985
986
987
988
989
990
991
992
993
994
995
996
997
998
999
1000
1001
1002
1003
1004
1005
1006
1007
1008
1009
1010
1011
1012
1013
1014
1015
1016
1017
1018
1019
1020
1021
1022
1023
1024
1025
1026
1027
1028
1029
1030
1031
1032
1033
1034
1035
1036
1037
1038
1039
1040
1041
1042
1043
1044
1045
1046
1047
1048
1049
1050
1051
1052
1053
1054
1055
1056
1057
1058
1059
1060
1061
1062
1063
1064
1065
1066
1067
1068
1069
1070
1071
1072
1073
1074
1075
1076
1077
1078
1079
1080
1081
1082
1083
1084
1085
1086
1087
1088
1089
1090
1091
1092
1093
1094
1095
1096
1097
1098
1099
1100
1101
1102
1103
1104
1105
1106
1107
1108
1109
1110
1111
1112
1113
1114
1115
1116
1117
1118
1119
1120
1121
1122
1123
1124
1125
1126
1127
1128
1129
1130
1131
1132
1133
1134
1135
1136
1137
1138
1139
1140
1141
1142
1143
1144
1145
1146
1147
1148
1149
1150
1151
1152
1153
1154
1155
1156
1157
1158
1159
1160
1161
1162
1163
1164
1165
1166
1167
1168
1169
1170
1171
1172
1173
1174
1175
1176
1177
1178
1179
1180
1181
1182
1183
1184
1185
1186
1187
1188
1189
1190
1191
1192
1193
1194
1195
1196
1197
1198
1199
1200
1201
1202
1203
1204
1205
1206
1207
1208
1209
1210
1211
1212
1213
1214
1215
1216
1217
1218
1219
1220
1221
1222
1223
1224
1225
1226
1227
1228
1229
1230
1231
1232
1233
1234
1235
1236
1237
1238
1239
1240
1241
1242
1243
1244
1245
1246
1247
1248
1249
1250
1251
1252
1253
1254
1255
1256
1257
1258
1259
1260
1261
1262
1263
1264
1265
1266
1267
1268
1269
1270
1271
1272
1273
1274
1275
1276
1277
1278
1279
1280
1281
1282
1283
1284
1285
1286
1287
1288
1289
1290
1291
1292
1293
1294
1295
1296
1297
1298
1299
1300
1301
1302
1303
1304
1305
1306
1307
1308
1309
1310
1311
1312
1313
1314
1315
1316
1317
1318
1319
1320
1321
1322
1323
1324
1325
1326
1327
1328
1329
1330
1331
1332
1333
1334
1335
1336
1337
1338
1339
1340
1341
1342
1343
1344
1345
1346
1347
1348
1349
1350
1351
1352
1353
1354
1355
1356
1357
1358
1359
1360
1361
1362
1363
1364
1365
1366
1367
1368
1369
1370
1371
1372
1373
1374
1375
1376
1377
1378
1379
1380
1381
1382
1383
1384
1385
1386
1387
1388
1389
1390
1391
1392
1393
1394
1395
1396
1397
1398
1399
1400
1401
1402
1403
1404
1405
1406
1407
1408
1409
1410
1411
1412
1413
1414
1415
1416
1417
1418
1419
1420
1421
1422
1423
1424
1425
1426
1427
1428
1429
1430
1431
1432
1433
1434
1435
1436
1437
1438
1439
1440
1441
1442
1443
1444
1445
1446
1447
1448
1449
1450
1451
1452
1453
1454
1455
1456
1457
1458
1459
1460
1461
1462
1463
1464
1465
1466
1467
1468
1469
1470
1471
1472
1473
1474
1475
1476
1477
1478
1479
1480
1481
1482
1483
1484
1485
1486
1487
1488
1489
1490
1491
1492
1493
1494
1495
1496
1497
1498
1499
1500
1501
1502
1503
1504
1505
1506
1507
1508
1509
1510
1511
1512
1513
1514
1515
1516
1517
1518
1519
1520
1521
1522
1523
1524
1525
1526
1527
1528
1529
1530
1531
1532
1533
1534
1535
1536
1537
1538
1539
1540
1541
1542
1543
1544
1545
1546
1547
1548
1549
1550
1551
1552
1553
1554
1555
1556
1557
1558
1559
1560
1561
1562
1563
1564
1565
1566
1567
1568
1569
1570
1571
1572
1573
1574
1575
1576
1577
1578
1579
1580
1581
1582
1583
1584
1585
1586
1587
1588
1589
1590
1591
1592
1593
1594
1595
1596
1597
1598
1599
1600
1601
1602
1603
1604
1605
1606
1607
1608
1609
1610
1611
1612
1613
1614
1615
1616
1617
1618
1619
1620
1621
1622
1623
1624
1625
1626
1627
1628
1629
1630
1631
1632
1633
1634
1635
1636
1637
1638
1639
1640
1641
1642
1643
1644
1645
1646
1647
1648
1649
1650
1651
1652
1653
1654
1655
1656
1657
1658
1659
1660
1661
1662
1663
1664
1665
1666
1667
1668
1669
1670
1671
1672
1673
1674
1675
1676
1677
1678
1679
1680
1681
1682
1683
1684
1685
1686
1687
1688
1689
1690
1691
1692
1693
1694
1695
1696
1697
1698
1699
1700
1701
1702
1703
1704
1705
1706
1707
1708
1709
1710
1711
1712
1713
1714
1715
1716
1717
1718
1719
1720
1721
1722
1723
1724
1725
1726
1727
1728
1729
1730
1731
1732
1733
1734
1735
1736
1737
1738
1739
1740
1741
1742
1743
1744
1745
1746
1747
1748
1749
1750
1751
1752
1753
1754
1755
1756
1757
1758
1759
1760
1761
1762
1763
1764
1765
1766
1767
1768
1769
1770
1771
1772
1773
1774
1775
1776
1777
1778
1779
1780
1781
1782
1783
1784
1785
1786
1787
1788
1789
1790
1791
1792
1793
1794
1795
1796
1797
1798
1799
1800
1801
1802
1803
1804
1805
1806
1807
1808
1809
1810
1811
1812
1813
1814
1815
1816
1817
1818
1819
1820
1821
1822
1823
1824
1825
1826
1827
1828
1829
1830
1831
1832
1833
1834
1835
1836
1837
1838
1839
1840
1841
1842
1843
1844
1845
1846
1847
1848
1849
1850
1851
1852
1853
1854
1855
1856
1857
1858
1859
1860
1861
1862
1863
1864
1865
1866
1867
1868
1869
1870
1871
1872
1873
1874
1875
1876
1877
1878
1879
1880
1881
1882
1883
1884
1885
1886
1887
1888
1889
1890
1891
1892
1893
1894
1895
1896
1897
1898
1899
1900
1901
1902
1903
1904
1905
1906
1907
1908
1909
1910
1911
1912
1913
1914
1915
1916
1917
1918
1919
1920
1921
1922
1923
1924
1925
1926
1927
1928
1929
1930
1931
1932
1933
1934
1935
1936
1937
1938
1939
1940
1941
1942
1943
1944
1945
1946
1947
1948
1949
1950
1951
1952
1953
1954
1955
1956
1957
1958
1959
1960
1961
1962
1963
1964
1965
1966
1967
1968
1969
1970
1971
1972
1973
1974
1975
1976
1977
1978
1979
1980
1981
1982
1983
1984
1985
1986
1987
1988
1989
1990
1991
1992
1993
1994
1995
1996
1997
1998
1999
2000
2001
2002
2003
2004
2005
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010
2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
2017
2018
2019
2020
2021
2022
2023
2024
2025
2026
2027
2028
2029
2030
2031
2032
2033
2034
2035
2036
2037
2038
2039
2040
2041
2042
2043
2044
2045
2046
2047
2048
2049
2050
2051
2052
2053
2054
2055
2056
2057
2058
2059
2060
2061
2062
2063
2064
2065
2066
2067
2068
2069
2070
2071
2072
2073
2074
2075
2076
2077
2078
2079
2080
2081
2082
2083
2084
2085
2086
2087
2088
2089
2090
2091
2092
2093
2094
2095
2096
2097
2098
2099
2100
2101
2102
2103
2104
2105
2106
2107
2108
2109
2110
2111
2112
2113
2114
2115
2116
2117
2118
2119
2120
2121
2122
2123
2124
2125
2126
2127
2128
2129
2130
2131
2132
2133
2134
2135
2136
2137
2138
2139
2140
2141
2142
2143
2144
2145
2146
2147
2148
2149
2150
2151
2152
2153
2154
2155
2156
2157
2158
2159
2160
2161
2162
2163
2164
2165
2166
2167
2168
2169
2170
2171
2172
2173
2174
2175
2176
2177
2178
2179
2180
2181
2182
2183
2184
2185
2186
2187
2188
2189
2190
2191
2192
2193
2194
2195
2196
2197
2198
2199
2200
2201
2202
2203
2204
2205
2206
2207
2208
2209
2210
2211
2212
2213
2214
2215
2216
2217
2218
2219
2220
2221
2222
2223
2224
2225
2226
2227
2228
2229
2230
2231
2232
2233
2234
2235
2236
2237
2238
2239
2240
2241
2242
2243
2244
2245
2246
2247
2248
2249
2250
2251
2252
2253
2254
2255
2256
2257
2258
2259
2260
2261
2262
2263
2264
2265
2266
2267
2268
2269
2270
2271
2272
2273
2274
2275
2276
2277
2278
2279
2280
2281
2282
2283
2284
2285
2286
2287
2288
2289
2290
2291
2292
2293
2294
2295
2296
2297
2298
2299
2300
2301
2302
2303
2304
2305
2306
2307
2308
2309
2310
2311
2312
2313
2314
2315
2316
2317
2318
2319
2320
2321
2322
2323
2324
2325
2326
2327
2328
2329
2330
2331
2332
2333
2334
2335
2336
2337
2338
2339
2340
2341
2342
2343
2344
2345
2346
2347
2348
2349
2350
2351
2352
2353
2354
2355
2356
2357
2358
2359
2360
2361
2362
2363
2364
2365
2366
2367
2368
2369
2370
2371
2372
2373
2374
2375
2376
2377
2378
2379
2380
2381
2382
2383
2384
2385
2386
2387
2388
2389
2390
2391
2392
2393
2394
2395
2396
2397
2398
2399
2400
2401
2402
2403
2404
2405
2406
2407
2408
2409
2410
2411
2412
2413
2414
2415
2416
2417
2418
2419
2420
2421
2422
2423
2424
2425
2426
2427
2428
2429
2430
2431
2432
2433
2434
2435
2436
2437
2438
2439
2440
2441
2442
2443
2444
2445
2446
2447
2448
2449
2450
2451
2452
2453
2454
2455
2456
2457
2458
2459
2460
2461
2462
2463
2464
2465
2466
2467
2468
2469
2470
2471
2472
2473
2474
2475
2476
2477
2478
2479
2480
2481
2482
2483
2484
2485
2486
2487
2488
2489
2490
2491
2492
2493
2494
2495
2496
2497
2498
2499
2500
2501
2502
2503
2504
2505
2506
2507
2508
2509
2510
2511
2512
2513
2514
2515
2516
2517
2518
2519
2520
2521
2522
2523
2524
2525
2526
2527
2528
2529
2530
2531
2532
2533
2534
2535
2536
2537
2538
2539
2540
2541
2542
2543
2544
2545
2546
2547
2548
2549
2550
2551
2552
2553
2554
2555
2556
2557
2558
2559
2560
2561
2562
2563
2564
2565
2566
2567
2568
2569
2570
2571
2572
2573
2574
2575
2576
2577
2578
2579
2580
2581
2582
2583
2584
2585
2586
2587
2588
2589
2590
2591
2592
2593
2594
2595
2596
2597
2598
2599
2600
2601
2602
2603
2604
2605
2606
2607
2608
2609
2610
2611
2612
2613
2614
2615
2616
2617
2618
2619
2620
2621
2622
2623
2624
2625
2626
2627
2628
2629
2630
2631
2632
2633
2634
2635
2636
2637
2638
2639
2640
2641
2642
2643
2644
2645
2646
2647
2648
2649
2650
2651
2652
2653
2654
2655
2656
2657
2658
2659
2660
2661
2662
2663
2664
2665
2666
2667
2668
2669
2670
2671
2672
2673
2674
2675
2676
2677
2678
2679
2680
2681
2682
2683
2684
2685
2686
2687
2688
2689
2690
2691
2692
2693
2694
2695
2696
2697
2698
2699
2700
2701
2702
2703
2704
2705
2706
2707
2708
2709
2710
2711
2712
2713
2714
2715
2716
2717
2718
2719
2720
2721
2722
2723
2724
2725
2726
2727
2728
2729
2730
2731
2732
2733
2734
2735
2736
2737
2738
2739
2740
2741
2742
2743
2744
2745
2746
2747
2748
2749
2750
2751
2752
2753
2754
2755
2756
2757
2758
2759
2760
2761
2762
2763
2764
2765
2766
2767
2768
2769
2770
2771
2772
2773
2774
2775
2776
2777
2778
2779
2780
2781
2782
2783
2784
2785
2786
2787
2788
2789
2790
2791
2792
2793
2794
2795
2796
2797
2798
2799
2800
2801
2802
2803
2804
2805
2806
2807
2808
2809
2810
2811
2812
2813
2814
2815
2816
2817
2818
2819
2820
2821
2822
2823
2824
2825
2826
2827
2828
2829
2830
2831
2832
2833
2834
2835
2836
2837
2838
2839
2840
2841
2842
2843
2844
2845
2846
2847
2848
2849
2850
2851
2852
2853
2854
2855
2856
2857
2858
2859
2860
2861
2862
2863
2864
2865
2866
2867
2868
2869
2870
2871
2872
2873
2874
2875
2876
2877
2878
2879
2880
2881
2882
2883
2884
2885
2886
2887
2888
2889
2890
2891
2892
2893
2894
2895
2896
2897
2898
2899
2900
2901
2902
2903
2904
2905
2906
2907
2908
2909
2910
2911
2912
2913
2914
2915
2916
2917
2918
2919
2920
2921
2922
2923
2924
2925
2926
2927
2928
2929
2930
2931
2932
2933
2934
2935
2936
2937
2938
2939
2940
2941
2942
2943
2944
2945
2946
2947
2948
2949
2950
2951
2952
2953
2954
2955
2956
2957
2958
2959
2960
2961
2962
2963
2964
2965
2966
2967
2968
2969
2970
2971
2972
2973
2974
2975
2976
2977
2978
2979
2980
2981
2982
2983
2984
2985
2986
2987
2988
2989
2990
2991
2992
2993
2994
2995
2996
2997
2998
2999
3000
3001
3002
3003
3004
3005
3006
3007
3008
3009
3010
3011
3012
3013
3014
3015
3016
3017
3018
3019
3020
3021
3022
3023
3024
3025
3026
3027
3028
3029
3030
3031
3032
3033
3034
3035
3036
3037
3038
3039
3040
3041
3042
3043
3044
3045
3046
3047
3048
3049
3050
3051
3052
3053
3054
3055
3056
3057
3058
3059
3060
3061
3062
3063
3064
3065
3066
3067
3068
3069
3070
3071
3072
3073
3074
3075
3076
3077
3078
3079
3080
3081
3082
3083
3084
3085
3086
3087
3088
3089
3090
3091
3092
3093
3094
3095
3096
3097
3098
3099
3100
3101
3102
3103
3104
3105
3106
3107
3108
3109
3110
3111
3112
3113
3114
3115
3116
3117
3118
3119
3120
3121
3122
3123
3124
3125
3126
3127
3128
3129
3130
3131
3132
3133
3134
3135
3136
3137
3138
3139
3140
3141
3142
3143
3144
3145
3146
3147
3148
3149
3150
3151
3152
3153
3154
3155
3156
3157
3158
3159
3160
3161
3162
3163
3164
3165
3166
3167
3168
3169
3170
3171
3172
3173
3174
3175
3176
3177
3178
3179
3180
3181
3182
3183
3184
3185
3186
3187
3188
3189
3190
3191
3192
3193
3194
3195
3196
3197
3198
3199
3200
3201
3202
3203
3204
3205
3206
3207
3208
3209
3210
3211
3212
3213
3214
3215
3216
3217
3218
3219
3220
3221
3222
3223
3224
3225
3226
3227
3228
3229
3230
3231
3232
3233
3234
3235
3236
3237
3238
3239
3240
3241
3242
3243
3244
3245
3246
3247
3248
3249
3250
3251
3252
3253
3254
3255
3256
3257
3258
3259
3260
3261
3262
3263
3264
3265
3266
3267
3268
3269
3270
3271
3272
3273
3274
3275
3276
3277
3278
3279
3280
3281
3282
3283
3284
3285
3286
3287
3288
3289
3290
3291
3292
3293
3294
3295
3296
3297
3298
3299
3300
3301
3302
3303
3304
3305
3306
3307
3308
3309
3310
3311
3312
3313
3314
3315
3316
3317
3318
3319
3320
3321
3322
3323
3324
3325
3326
3327
3328
3329
3330
3331
3332
3333
3334
3335
3336
3337
3338
3339
3340
3341
3342
3343
3344
3345
3346
3347
3348
3349
3350
3351
3352
3353
3354
3355
3356
3357
3358
3359
3360
3361
3362
3363
3364
3365
3366
3367
3368
3369
3370
3371
3372
3373
3374
3375
3376
3377
3378
3379
3380
3381
3382
3383
3384
3385
3386
3387
3388
3389
3390
3391
3392
3393
3394
3395
3396
3397
3398
3399
3400
3401
3402
3403
3404
3405
3406
3407
3408
3409
3410
3411
3412
3413
3414
3415
3416
3417
3418
3419
3420
3421
3422
3423
3424
3425
3426
3427
3428
3429
3430
3431
3432
3433
3434
3435
3436
3437
3438
3439
3440
3441
3442
3443
3444
3445
3446
3447
3448
3449
3450
3451
3452
3453
3454
3455
3456
3457
3458
3459
3460
3461
3462
3463
3464
3465
3466
3467
3468
3469
3470
3471
3472
3473
3474
3475
3476
3477
3478
3479
3480
3481
3482
3483
3484
3485
3486
3487
3488
3489
3490
3491
3492
3493
3494
3495
3496
3497
3498
3499
3500
3501
3502
3503
3504
3505
3506
3507
3508
3509
3510
3511
3512
3513
3514
3515
3516
3517
3518
3519
3520
3521
3522
3523
3524
3525
3526
3527
3528
3529
3530
3531
3532
3533
3534
3535
3536
3537
3538
3539
3540
3541
3542
3543
3544
3545
3546
3547
3548
3549
3550
3551
3552
3553
3554
3555
3556
3557
3558
3559
3560
3561
3562
3563
3564
3565
3566
3567
3568
3569
3570
3571
3572
3573
3574
3575
3576
3577
3578
3579
3580
3581
3582
3583
3584
3585
3586
3587
3588
3589
3590
3591
3592
3593
3594
3595
3596
3597
3598
3599
3600
3601
3602
3603
3604
3605
3606
3607
3608
3609
3610
3611
3612
3613
3614
3615
3616
3617
3618
3619
3620
3621
3622
3623
3624
3625
3626
3627
3628
3629
3630
3631
3632
3633
3634
3635
3636
3637
3638
3639
3640
3641
3642
3643
3644
3645
3646
3647
3648
3649
3650
3651
3652
3653
3654
3655
3656
3657
3658
3659
3660
3661
3662
3663
3664
3665
3666
3667
3668
3669
3670
3671
3672
3673
3674
3675
3676
3677
3678
3679
3680
3681
3682
3683
3684
3685
3686
3687
3688
3689
3690
3691
3692
3693
3694
3695
3696
3697
3698
3699
3700
3701
3702
3703
3704
3705
3706
3707
3708
3709
3710
3711
3712
3713
3714
3715
3716
3717
3718
3719
3720
3721
3722
3723
3724
3725
3726
3727
3728
3729
3730
3731
3732
3733
3734
3735
3736
3737
3738
3739
3740
3741
3742
3743
3744
3745
3746
3747
3748
3749
3750
3751
3752
3753
3754
3755
3756
3757
3758
3759
3760
3761
3762
3763
3764
3765
3766
3767
3768
3769
3770
3771
3772
3773
3774
3775
3776
3777
3778
3779
3780
3781
3782
3783
3784
3785
3786
3787
3788
3789
3790
3791
3792
3793
3794
3795
3796
3797
3798
3799
3800
3801
3802
3803
3804
3805
3806
3807
3808
3809
3810
3811
3812
3813
3814
3815
3816
3817
3818
3819
3820
3821
3822
3823
3824
3825
3826
3827
3828
3829
3830
3831
3832
3833
3834
3835
3836
3837
3838
3839
3840
3841
3842
3843
3844
3845
3846
3847
3848
3849
3850
3851
3852
3853
3854
3855
3856
3857
3858
3859
3860
3861
3862
3863
3864
3865
3866
3867
3868
3869
3870
3871
3872
3873
3874
3875
3876
3877
3878
3879
3880
3881
3882
3883
3884
3885
3886
3887
3888
3889
3890
3891
3892
3893
3894
3895
3896
3897
3898
3899
3900
3901
3902
3903
3904
3905
3906
3907
3908
3909
3910
3911
3912
3913
3914
3915
3916
3917
3918
3919
3920
3921
3922
3923
3924
3925
3926
3927
3928
3929
3930
3931
3932
3933
3934
3935
3936
3937
3938
3939
3940
3941
3942
3943
3944
3945
3946
3947
3948
3949
3950
3951
3952
3953
3954
3955
3956
3957
3958
3959
3960
3961
3962
3963
3964
3965
3966
3967
3968
3969
3970
3971
3972
3973
3974
3975
3976
3977
3978
3979
3980
3981
3982
3983
3984
3985
3986
3987
3988
3989
3990
3991
3992
3993
3994
3995
3996
3997
3998
3999
4000
4001
4002
4003
4004
4005
4006
4007
4008
4009
4010
4011
4012
4013
4014
4015
4016
4017
4018
4019
4020
4021
4022
4023
4024
4025
4026
4027
4028
4029
4030
4031
4032
4033
4034
4035
4036
4037
4038
4039
4040
4041
4042
4043
4044
4045
4046
4047
4048
4049
4050
4051
4052
4053
4054
4055
4056
4057
4058
4059
4060
4061
4062
4063
4064
4065
4066
4067
4068
4069
4070
4071
4072
4073
4074
4075
4076
4077
4078
4079
4080
4081
4082
4083
4084
4085
4086
4087
4088
4089
4090
4091
4092
4093
4094
4095
4096
4097
4098
4099
4100
4101
4102
4103
4104
4105
4106
4107
4108
4109
4110
4111
4112
4113
4114
4115
4116
4117
4118
4119
4120
4121
4122
4123
4124
4125
4126
4127
4128
4129
4130
4131
4132
4133
4134
4135
4136
4137
4138
4139
4140
4141
4142
4143
4144
4145
4146
4147
4148
4149
4150
4151
4152
4153
4154
4155
4156
4157
4158
4159
4160
4161
4162
4163
4164
4165
4166
4167
4168
4169
4170
4171
4172
4173
4174
4175
4176
4177
4178
4179
4180
4181
4182
4183
4184
4185
4186
4187
4188
4189
4190
4191
4192
4193
4194
4195
4196
4197
4198
4199
4200
4201
4202
4203
4204
4205
4206
4207
4208
4209
4210
4211
4212
4213
4214
4215
4216
4217
4218
4219
4220
4221
4222
4223
4224
4225
4226
4227
4228
4229
4230
4231
4232
4233
4234
4235
4236
4237
4238
4239
4240
4241
4242
4243
4244
4245
4246
4247
4248
4249
4250
4251
4252
4253
4254
4255
4256
4257
4258
4259
4260
4261
4262
4263
4264
4265
4266
4267
4268
4269
4270
4271
4272
4273
4274
4275
4276
4277
4278
4279
4280
4281
4282
4283
4284
4285
4286
4287
4288
4289
4290
4291
4292
4293
4294
4295
4296
4297
4298
4299
4300
4301
4302
4303
4304
4305
4306
4307
4308
4309
4310
4311
4312
4313
4314
4315
4316
4317
4318
4319
4320
4321
4322
4323
4324
4325
4326
4327
4328
4329
4330
4331
4332
4333
4334
4335
4336
4337
4338
4339
4340
4341
4342
4343
4344
4345
4346
4347
4348
4349
4350
4351
4352
4353
4354
4355
4356
4357
4358
4359
4360
4361
4362
4363
4364
4365
4366
4367
4368
4369
4370
4371
4372
4373
4374
4375
4376
4377
4378
4379
4380
4381
4382
4383
4384
4385
4386
4387
4388
4389
4390
4391
4392
4393
4394
4395
4396
4397
4398
4399
4400
4401
4402
4403
4404
4405
4406
4407
4408
4409
4410
4411
4412
4413
4414
4415
4416
4417
4418
4419
4420
4421
4422
4423
4424
4425
4426
4427
4428
4429
4430
4431
4432
4433
4434
4435
4436
4437
4438
4439
4440
4441
4442
4443
4444
4445
4446
4447
4448
4449
4450
4451
4452
4453
4454
4455
4456
4457
4458
4459
4460
4461
4462
4463
4464
4465
4466
4467
4468
4469
4470
4471
4472
4473
4474
4475
4476
4477
4478
4479
4480
4481
4482
4483
4484
4485
4486
4487
4488
4489
4490
4491
4492
4493
4494
4495
4496
4497
4498
4499
4500
4501
4502
4503
4504
4505
4506
4507
4508
4509
4510
4511
4512
4513
4514
4515
4516
4517
4518
4519
4520
4521
4522
4523
4524
4525
4526
4527
4528
4529
4530
4531
4532
4533
4534
4535
4536
4537
4538
4539
4540
4541
4542
4543
4544
4545
4546
4547
4548
4549
4550
4551
4552
4553
4554
4555
4556
4557
4558
4559
4560
4561
4562
4563
4564
4565
4566
4567
4568
4569
4570
4571
4572
4573
4574
4575
4576
4577
4578
4579
4580
4581
4582
4583
4584
4585
4586
4587
4588
4589
4590
4591
4592
4593
4594
4595
4596
4597
4598
4599
4600
4601
4602
4603
4604
4605
4606
4607
4608
4609
4610
4611
4612
4613
4614
4615
4616
4617
4618
4619
4620
4621
4622
4623
4624
4625
4626
4627
4628
4629
4630
4631
4632
4633
4634
4635
4636
4637
4638
4639
4640
4641
4642
4643
4644
4645
4646
4647
4648
4649
4650
4651
4652
4653
4654
4655
4656
4657
4658
4659
4660
4661
4662
4663
4664
4665
4666
4667
4668
4669
4670
4671
4672
4673
4674
4675
4676
4677
4678
4679
4680
4681
4682
4683
4684
4685
4686
4687
4688
4689
4690
4691
4692
4693
4694
4695
4696
4697
4698
4699
4700
4701
4702
4703
4704
4705
4706
4707
4708
4709
4710
4711
4712
4713
4714
4715
4716
4717
4718
4719
4720
4721
4722
4723
4724
4725
4726
4727
4728
4729
4730
4731
4732
4733
4734
4735
4736
4737
4738
4739
4740
4741
4742
4743
4744
4745
4746
4747
4748
4749
4750
4751
4752
4753
4754
4755
4756
4757
4758
4759
4760
4761
4762
4763
4764
4765
4766
4767
4768
4769
4770
4771
4772
4773
4774
4775
4776
4777
4778
4779
4780
4781
4782
4783
4784
4785
4786
4787
4788
4789
4790
4791
4792
4793
4794
4795
4796
4797
4798
4799
4800
4801
4802
4803
4804
4805
4806
4807
4808
4809
4810
4811
4812
4813
4814
4815
4816
4817
4818
4819
4820
4821
4822
4823
4824
4825
4826
4827
4828
4829
4830
4831
4832
4833
4834
4835
4836
4837
4838
4839
4840
4841
4842
4843
4844
4845
4846
4847
4848
4849
4850
4851
4852
4853
4854
4855
4856
4857
4858
4859
4860
4861
4862
4863
4864
4865
4866
4867
4868
4869
4870
4871
4872
4873
4874
4875
4876
4877
4878
4879
4880
4881
4882
4883
4884
4885
4886
4887
4888
4889
4890
4891
4892
4893
4894
4895
4896
4897
4898
4899
4900
4901
4902
4903
4904
4905
4906
4907
4908
4909
4910
4911
4912
4913
4914
4915
4916
4917
4918
4919
4920
4921
4922
4923
4924
4925
4926
4927
4928
4929
4930
4931
4932
4933
4934
4935
4936
4937
4938
4939
4940
4941
4942
4943
4944
4945
4946
4947
4948
4949
4950
4951
4952
4953
4954
4955
4956
4957
4958
4959
4960
4961
4962
4963
4964
4965
4966
4967
4968
4969
4970
4971
4972
4973
4974
4975
4976
4977
4978
4979
4980
4981
4982
4983
4984
4985
4986
4987
4988
4989
4990
4991
4992
4993
4994
4995
4996
4997
4998
4999
5000
5001
5002
5003
5004
5005
5006
5007
5008
5009
5010
5011
5012
5013
5014
5015
5016
5017
5018
5019
5020
5021
5022
5023
5024
5025
5026
5027
5028
5029
5030
5031
5032
5033
5034
5035
5036
5037
5038
5039
5040
5041
5042
5043
5044
5045
5046
5047
5048
5049
5050
5051
5052
5053
5054
5055
5056
5057
5058
5059
5060
5061
5062
5063
5064
5065
5066
5067
5068
5069
5070
5071
5072
5073
5074
5075
5076
5077
5078
5079
5080
5081
5082
5083
5084
5085
5086
5087
5088
5089
5090
5091
5092
5093
5094
5095
5096
5097
5098
5099
5100
5101
5102
5103
5104
5105
5106
5107
5108
5109
5110
5111
5112
5113
5114
5115
5116
5117
5118
5119
5120
5121
5122
5123
5124
5125
5126
5127
5128
5129
5130
5131
5132
5133
5134
5135
5136
5137
5138
5139
5140
5141
5142
5143
5144
5145
5146
5147
5148
5149
5150
5151
5152
5153
5154
5155
5156
5157
5158
5159
5160
5161
5162
5163
5164
5165
5166
5167
5168
5169
5170
5171
5172
5173
5174
5175
5176
5177
5178
5179
5180
5181
5182
5183
5184
5185
5186
5187
5188
5189
5190
5191
5192
5193
5194
5195
5196
5197
5198
5199
5200
5201
5202
5203
5204
5205
5206
5207
5208
5209
5210
5211
5212
5213
5214
5215
5216
5217
5218
5219
5220
5221
5222
5223
5224
5225
5226
5227
5228
5229
5230
5231
5232
5233
5234
5235
5236
5237
5238
5239
5240
5241
5242
5243
5244
5245
5246
5247
5248
5249
5250
5251
5252
5253
5254
5255
5256
5257
5258
5259
5260
5261
5262
5263
5264
5265
5266
5267
5268
5269
5270
5271
5272
5273
5274
5275
5276
5277
5278
5279
5280
5281
5282
5283
5284
5285
5286
5287
5288
5289
5290
5291
5292
5293
5294
5295
5296
5297
5298
5299
5300
5301
5302
5303
5304
5305
5306
5307
5308
5309
5310
5311
5312
5313
5314
5315
5316
5317
5318
5319
5320
5321
5322
5323
5324
5325
5326
5327
5328
5329
5330
5331
5332
5333
5334
5335
5336
5337
5338
5339
5340
5341
5342
5343
5344
5345
5346
5347
5348
5349
5350
5351
5352
5353
5354
5355
5356
5357
5358
5359
5360
5361
5362
5363
5364
5365
5366
5367
5368
5369
5370
5371
5372
5373
5374
5375
5376
5377
5378
5379
5380
5381
5382
5383
5384
5385
5386
5387
5388
5389
5390
5391
5392
5393
5394
5395
5396
5397
5398
5399
5400
5401
5402
5403
5404
5405
5406
5407
5408
5409
5410
5411
5412
5413
5414
5415
5416
5417
5418
5419
5420
5421
5422
5423
5424
5425
5426
5427
5428
5429
5430
5431
5432
5433
5434
5435
5436
5437
5438
5439
5440
5441
5442
5443
5444
5445
5446
5447
5448
5449
5450
5451
5452
5453
5454
5455
5456
5457
5458
5459
5460
5461
5462
5463
5464
5465
5466
5467
5468
5469
5470
5471
5472
5473
5474
5475
5476
5477
5478
5479
5480
5481
5482
5483
5484
5485
5486
5487
5488
5489
5490
5491
5492
5493
5494
5495
5496
5497
5498
5499
5500
5501
5502
5503
5504
5505
5506
5507
5508
5509
5510
5511
5512
5513
5514
5515
5516
5517
5518
5519
5520
5521
5522
5523
5524
5525
5526
5527
5528
5529
5530
5531
5532
5533
5534
5535
5536
5537
5538
5539
5540
5541
5542
5543
5544
5545
5546
5547
5548
5549
5550
5551
5552
5553
5554
5555
5556
5557
5558
5559
5560
5561
5562
5563
5564
5565
5566
5567
5568
5569
5570
5571
5572
5573
5574
5575
5576
5577
5578
5579
5580
5581
5582
5583
5584
5585
5586
5587
5588
5589
5590
5591
5592
5593
5594
5595
5596
5597
5598
5599
5600
5601
5602
5603
5604
5605
5606
5607
5608
5609
5610
5611
5612
5613
5614
5615
5616
5617
5618
5619
5620
5621
5622
5623
5624
5625
5626
5627
5628
5629
5630
5631
5632
5633
5634
5635
5636
5637
5638
5639
5640
5641
5642
5643
5644
5645
5646
5647
5648
5649
5650
5651
5652
5653
5654
5655
5656
5657
5658
5659
5660
5661
5662
5663
5664
5665
5666
5667
5668
5669
5670
5671
5672
5673
5674
5675
5676
5677
5678
5679
5680
5681
5682
5683
5684
5685
5686
5687
5688
5689
5690
5691
5692
5693
5694
5695
5696
5697
5698
5699
5700
5701
5702
5703
5704
5705
5706
5707
5708
5709
5710
5711
5712
5713
5714
5715
5716
5717
5718
5719
5720
5721
5722
5723
5724
5725
5726
5727
5728
5729
5730
5731
5732
5733
5734
5735
5736
5737
5738
5739
5740
5741
5742
5743
5744
5745
5746
5747
5748
5749
5750
5751
5752
5753
5754
5755
5756
5757
5758
5759
5760
5761
5762
5763
5764
5765
5766
5767
5768
5769
5770
5771
5772
5773
5774
5775
5776
5777
5778
5779
5780
5781
5782
5783
5784
5785
5786
5787
5788
5789
5790
5791
5792
5793
5794
5795
5796
5797
5798
5799
5800
5801
5802
5803
5804
5805
5806
5807
5808
5809
5810
5811
5812
5813
5814
5815
5816
5817
5818
5819
5820
5821
5822
5823
5824
5825
5826
5827
5828
5829
5830
5831
5832
5833
5834
5835
5836
5837
5838
5839
5840
5841
5842
5843
5844
5845
5846
5847
5848
5849
5850
5851
5852
5853
5854
5855
5856
5857
5858
5859
5860
5861
5862
5863
5864
5865
5866
5867
5868
5869
5870
5871
5872
5873
5874
5875
5876
5877
5878
5879
5880
5881
5882
5883
5884
5885
5886
5887
5888
5889
5890
5891
5892
5893
5894
5895
5896
5897
5898
5899
5900
5901
5902
5903
5904
5905
5906
5907
5908
5909
5910
5911
5912
5913
5914
5915
5916
5917
5918
5919
5920
5921
5922
5923
5924
5925
5926
5927
5928
5929
5930
5931
5932
5933
5934
5935
5936
5937
5938
5939
5940
5941
5942
5943
5944
5945
5946
5947
5948
5949
5950
5951
5952
5953
5954
5955
5956
5957
5958
5959
5960
5961
5962
5963
5964
5965
5966
5967
5968
5969
5970
5971
5972
5973
5974
5975
5976
5977
5978
5979
5980
5981
5982
5983
5984
5985
5986
5987
5988
5989
5990
5991
5992
5993
5994
5995
5996
5997
5998
5999
6000
6001
6002
6003
6004
6005
6006
6007
6008
6009
6010
6011
6012
6013
6014
6015
6016
6017
6018
6019
6020
6021
6022
6023
6024
6025
6026
6027
6028
6029
6030
6031
6032
6033
6034
6035
6036
6037
6038
6039
6040
6041
6042
6043
6044
6045
6046
6047
6048
6049
6050
6051
6052
6053
6054
6055
6056
6057
6058
6059
6060
6061
6062
6063
6064
6065
6066
6067
6068
6069
6070
6071
6072
6073
6074
6075
6076
6077
6078
6079
6080
6081
6082
6083
6084
6085
6086
6087
6088
6089
6090
6091
6092
6093
6094
6095
6096
6097
6098
6099
6100
6101
6102
6103
6104
6105
6106
6107
6108
6109
6110
6111
6112
6113
6114
6115
6116
6117
6118
6119
6120
6121
6122
6123
6124
6125
6126
6127
6128
6129
6130
6131
6132
6133
6134
6135
6136
6137
6138
6139
6140
6141
6142
6143
6144
6145
6146
6147
6148
6149
6150
6151
6152
6153
6154
6155
6156
6157
6158
6159
6160
6161
6162
6163
6164
6165
6166
6167
6168
6169
6170
6171
6172
6173
6174
6175
6176
6177
6178
6179
6180
6181
6182
6183
6184
6185
6186
6187
6188
6189
6190
6191
6192
6193
6194
6195
6196
6197
6198
6199
6200
6201
6202
6203
6204
6205
6206
6207
6208
6209
6210
6211
6212
6213
6214
6215
6216
6217
6218
6219
6220
6221
6222
6223
6224
6225
6226
6227
6228
6229
6230
6231
6232
6233
6234
6235
6236
6237
6238
6239
6240
6241
6242
6243
6244
6245
6246
6247
6248
6249
6250
6251
6252
6253
6254
6255
6256
6257
6258
6259
6260
6261
6262
6263
6264
6265
6266
6267
6268
6269
6270
6271
6272
6273
6274
6275
6276
6277
6278
6279
6280
6281
6282
6283
6284
6285
6286
6287
6288
6289
6290
6291
6292
6293
6294
6295
6296
6297
6298
6299
6300
6301
6302
6303
6304
6305
6306
6307
6308
6309
6310
6311
6312
6313
6314
6315
6316
6317
6318
6319
6320
6321
6322
6323
6324
6325
6326
6327
6328
6329
6330
6331
6332
6333
6334
6335
6336
6337
6338
6339
6340
6341
6342
6343
6344
6345
6346
6347
6348
6349
6350
6351
6352
6353
6354
6355
6356
6357
6358
6359
6360
6361
6362
6363
6364
6365
6366
6367
6368
6369
6370
6371
6372
6373
6374
6375
6376
6377
6378
6379
6380
6381
6382
6383
6384
6385
6386
6387
6388
6389
6390
6391
6392
6393
6394
6395
6396
6397
6398
6399
6400
6401
6402
6403
6404
6405
6406
6407
6408
6409
6410
6411
6412
6413
6414
6415
6416
6417
6418
6419
6420
6421
6422
6423
6424
6425
6426
6427
6428
6429
6430
6431
6432
6433
6434
6435
6436
6437
6438
6439
6440
6441
6442
6443
6444
6445
6446
6447
6448
6449
6450
6451
6452
6453
6454
6455
6456
6457
6458
6459
6460
6461
6462
6463
6464
6465
6466
6467
6468
6469
6470
6471
6472
6473
6474
6475
6476
6477
6478
6479
6480
6481
6482
6483
6484
6485
6486
6487
6488
6489
6490
6491
6492
6493
6494
6495
6496
6497
6498
6499
6500
6501
6502
6503
6504
6505
6506
6507
6508
6509
6510
6511
6512
6513
6514
6515
6516
6517
6518
6519
6520
6521
6522
6523
6524
6525
6526
6527
6528
6529
6530
6531
6532
6533
6534
6535
6536
6537
6538
6539
6540
6541
6542
6543
6544
6545
6546
6547
6548
6549
6550
6551
6552
6553
6554
6555
6556
6557
6558
6559
6560
6561
6562
6563
6564
6565
6566
6567
6568
6569
6570
6571
6572
6573
6574
6575
6576
6577
6578
6579
6580
6581
6582
6583
6584
6585
6586
6587
6588
6589
6590
6591
6592
6593
6594
6595
6596
6597
6598
6599
6600
6601
6602
6603
6604
6605
6606
6607
6608
6609
6610
6611
6612
6613
6614
6615
6616
6617
6618
6619
6620
6621
6622
6623
6624
6625
6626
6627
6628
6629
6630
6631
6632
6633
6634
6635
6636
6637
6638
6639
6640
6641
6642
6643
6644
6645
6646
6647
6648
6649
6650
6651
6652
6653
6654
6655
6656
6657
6658
6659
6660
6661
6662
6663
6664
6665
6666
6667
6668
6669
6670
6671
6672
6673
6674
6675
6676
6677
6678
6679
6680
6681
6682
6683
6684
6685
6686
6687
6688
6689
6690
6691
6692
6693
6694
6695
6696
6697
6698
6699
6700
6701
6702
6703
6704
6705
6706
6707
6708
6709
6710
6711
6712
6713
6714
6715
6716
6717
6718
6719
6720
6721
6722
6723
6724
6725
6726
6727
6728
6729
6730
6731
6732
6733
6734
6735
6736
6737
6738
6739
6740
6741
6742
6743
6744
6745
6746
6747
6748
6749
6750
6751
6752
6753
6754
6755
6756
6757
6758
6759
6760
6761
6762
6763
6764
6765
6766
6767
6768
6769
6770
6771
6772
6773
6774
6775
6776
6777
6778
6779
6780
6781
6782
6783
6784
6785
6786
6787
6788
6789
6790
6791
6792
6793
6794
6795
6796
6797
6798
6799
6800
6801
6802
6803
6804
6805
6806
6807
6808
6809
6810
6811
6812
6813
6814
6815
6816
6817
6818
6819
6820
6821
6822
6823
6824
6825
6826
6827
6828
6829
6830
6831
6832
6833
6834
6835
6836
6837
6838
6839
6840
6841
6842
6843
6844
6845
6846
6847
6848
6849
6850
6851
6852
6853
6854
6855
6856
6857
6858
6859
6860
6861
6862
6863
6864
6865
6866
6867
6868
6869
6870
6871
6872
6873
6874
6875
6876
6877
6878
6879
6880
6881
6882
6883
6884
6885
6886
6887
6888
6889
6890
6891
6892
6893
6894
6895
6896
6897
6898
6899
6900
6901
6902
6903
6904
6905
6906
6907
6908
6909
6910
6911
6912
6913
6914
6915
6916
6917
6918
6919
6920
6921
6922
6923
6924
6925
6926
6927
6928
6929
6930
6931
6932
6933
6934
6935
6936
6937
6938
6939
6940
6941
6942
6943
6944
6945
6946
6947
6948
6949
6950
6951
6952
6953
6954
6955
6956
6957
6958
6959
6960
6961
6962
6963
6964
6965
6966
6967
6968
6969
6970
6971
6972
6973
6974
6975
6976
6977
6978
6979
6980
6981
6982
6983
6984
6985
6986
6987
6988
6989
6990
6991
6992
6993
6994
6995
6996
6997
6998
6999
7000
7001
7002
7003
7004
7005
7006
7007
7008
7009
7010
7011
7012
7013
7014
7015
7016
7017
7018
7019
7020
7021
7022
7023
7024
7025
7026
7027
7028
7029
7030
7031
7032
7033
7034
7035
7036
7037
7038
7039
7040
7041
7042
7043
7044
7045
7046
7047
7048
7049
7050
7051
7052
7053
7054
7055
7056
7057
7058
7059
7060
7061
7062
7063
7064
7065
7066
7067
7068
7069
7070
7071
7072
7073
7074
7075
7076
7077
7078
7079
7080
7081
7082
7083
7084
7085
7086
7087
7088
7089
7090
7091
7092
7093
7094
7095
7096
7097
7098
7099
7100
7101
7102
7103
7104
7105
7106
7107
7108
7109
7110
7111
7112
7113
7114
7115
7116
7117
7118
7119
7120
7121
7122
7123
7124
7125
7126
7127
7128
7129
7130
7131
7132
7133
7134
7135
7136
7137
7138
7139
7140
7141
7142
7143
7144
7145
7146
7147
7148
7149
7150
7151
7152
7153
7154
7155
7156
7157
7158
7159
7160
7161
7162
7163
7164
7165
7166
7167
7168
7169
7170
7171
7172
7173
7174
7175
7176
7177
7178
7179
7180
7181
7182
7183
7184
7185
7186
7187
7188
7189
7190
7191
7192
7193
7194
7195
7196
7197
7198
7199
7200
7201
7202
7203
7204
7205
7206
7207
7208
7209
7210
7211
7212
7213
7214
7215
7216
7217
7218
7219
7220
7221
7222
7223
7224
7225
7226
7227
7228
7229
7230
7231
7232
7233
7234
7235
7236
7237
7238
7239
7240
7241
7242
7243
7244
7245
7246
7247
7248
7249
7250
7251
7252
7253
7254
7255
7256
7257
7258
7259
7260
7261
7262
7263
7264
7265
7266
7267
7268
7269
7270
7271
7272
7273
7274
7275
7276
7277
7278
7279
7280
7281
7282
7283
7284
7285
7286
7287
7288
7289
7290
7291
7292
7293
7294
7295
7296
7297
7298
7299
7300
7301
7302
7303
7304
7305
7306
7307
7308
7309
7310
7311
7312
7313
7314
7315
7316
7317
7318
7319
7320
7321
7322
7323
7324
7325
7326
7327
7328
7329
7330
7331
7332
7333
7334
7335
7336
7337
7338
7339
7340
7341
7342
7343
7344
7345
7346
7347
7348
7349
7350
7351
7352
7353
7354
7355
7356
7357
7358
7359
7360
7361
7362
7363
7364
7365
7366
7367
7368
7369
7370
7371
7372
7373
7374
7375
7376
7377
7378
7379
7380
7381
7382
7383
7384
7385
7386
7387
7388
7389
7390
7391
7392
7393
7394
7395
7396
7397
7398
7399
7400
7401
7402
7403
7404
7405
7406
7407
7408
7409
7410
7411
7412
7413
7414
7415
7416
7417
7418
7419
7420
7421
7422
7423
7424
7425
7426
7427
7428
7429
7430
7431
7432
7433
7434
7435
7436
7437
7438
7439
7440
7441
7442
7443
7444
7445
7446
7447
7448
7449
7450
7451
7452
7453
7454
7455
7456
7457
7458
7459
7460
7461
7462
7463
7464
7465
7466
7467
7468
7469
7470
7471
7472
7473
7474
7475
7476
7477
7478
7479
7480
7481
7482
7483
7484
7485
7486
7487
7488
7489
7490
7491
7492
7493
7494
7495
7496
7497
7498
7499
7500
7501
7502
7503
7504
7505
7506
7507
7508
7509
7510
7511
7512
7513
7514
7515
7516
7517
7518
7519
7520
7521
7522
7523
7524
7525
7526
7527
7528
7529
7530
7531
7532
7533
7534
7535
7536
7537
7538
7539
7540
7541
7542
7543
7544
7545
7546
7547
7548
7549
7550
7551
7552
7553
7554
7555
7556
7557
7558
7559
7560
7561
7562
7563
7564
7565
7566
7567
7568
7569
7570
7571
7572
7573
7574
7575
7576
7577
7578
7579
7580
7581
7582
7583
7584
7585
7586
7587
7588
7589
7590
7591
7592
7593
7594
7595
7596
7597
7598
7599
7600
7601
7602
7603
7604
7605
7606
7607
7608
7609
7610
7611
7612
7613
7614
7615
7616
7617
7618
7619
7620
7621
7622
7623
7624
7625
7626
7627
7628
7629
7630
7631
7632
7633
7634
7635
7636
7637
7638
7639
7640
7641
7642
7643
7644
7645
7646
7647
7648
7649
7650
7651
7652
7653
7654
7655
7656
7657
7658
7659
7660
7661
7662
7663
7664
7665
7666
7667
7668
7669
7670
7671
7672
7673
7674
7675
7676
7677
7678
7679
7680
7681
7682
7683
7684
7685
7686
7687
7688
7689
7690
7691
7692
7693
7694
7695
7696
7697
7698
7699
7700
7701
7702
7703
7704
7705
7706
7707
7708
7709
7710
7711
7712
7713
7714
7715
7716
7717
7718
7719
7720
7721
7722
7723
7724
7725
7726
7727
7728
7729
7730
7731
7732
7733
7734
7735
7736
7737
7738
7739
7740
7741
7742
7743
7744
7745
7746
7747
7748
7749
7750
7751
7752
7753
7754
7755
7756
7757
7758
7759
7760
7761
7762
7763
7764
7765
7766
7767
7768
7769
7770
7771
7772
7773
7774
7775
7776
7777
7778
7779
7780
7781
7782
7783
7784
7785
7786
7787
7788
7789
7790
7791
7792
7793
7794
7795
7796
7797
7798
7799
7800
7801
7802
7803
7804
7805
7806
7807
7808
7809
7810
7811
7812
7813
7814
7815
7816
7817
7818
7819
7820
7821
7822
7823
7824
7825
7826
7827
7828
7829
7830
7831
7832
7833
7834
7835
7836
7837
7838
7839
7840
7841
7842
7843
7844
7845
7846
7847
7848
7849
7850
7851
7852
7853
7854
7855
7856
7857
7858
7859
7860
7861
7862
7863
7864
7865
7866
7867
7868
7869
7870
7871
7872
7873
7874
7875
7876
7877
7878
7879
7880
7881
7882
7883
7884
7885
7886
7887
7888
7889
7890
7891
7892
7893
7894
7895
7896
7897
7898
7899
7900
7901
7902
7903
7904
7905
7906
7907
7908
7909
7910
7911
7912
7913
7914
7915
7916
7917
7918
7919
7920
7921
7922
7923
7924
7925
7926
7927
7928
7929
7930
7931
7932
7933
7934
7935
7936
7937
7938
7939
7940
7941
7942
7943
7944
7945
7946
7947
7948
7949
7950
7951
7952
7953
7954
7955
7956
7957
7958
7959
7960
7961
7962
7963
7964
7965
7966
7967
7968
7969
7970
7971
7972
7973
7974
7975
7976
7977
7978
7979
7980
7981
7982
7983
7984
7985
7986
7987
7988
7989
7990
7991
7992
7993
7994
7995
7996
7997
7998
7999
8000
8001
8002
8003
8004
8005
8006
8007
8008
8009
8010
8011
8012
8013
8014
8015
8016
8017
8018
8019
8020
8021
8022
8023
8024
8025
8026
8027
8028
8029
8030
8031
8032
8033
8034
8035
8036
8037
8038
8039
8040
8041
8042
8043
8044
8045
8046
8047
8048
8049
8050
8051
8052
8053
8054
8055
8056
8057
8058
8059
8060
8061
8062
8063
8064
8065
8066
8067
8068
8069
8070
8071
8072
8073
8074
8075
8076
8077
8078
8079
8080
8081
8082
8083
8084
8085
8086
8087
8088
8089
8090
8091
8092
8093
8094
8095
8096
8097
8098
8099
8100
8101
8102
8103
8104
8105
8106
8107
8108
8109
8110
8111
8112
8113
8114
8115
8116
8117
8118
8119
8120
8121
8122
8123
8124
8125
8126
8127
8128
8129
8130
8131
8132
8133
8134
8135
8136
8137
8138
8139
8140
8141
8142
8143
8144
8145
8146
8147
8148
8149
8150
8151
8152
8153
8154
8155
8156
8157
8158
8159
8160
8161
8162
8163
8164
8165
8166
8167
8168
8169
8170
8171
8172
8173
8174
8175
8176
8177
8178
8179
8180
8181
8182
8183
8184
8185
8186
8187
8188
8189
8190
8191
8192
8193
8194
8195
8196
8197
8198
8199
8200
8201
8202
8203
8204
8205
8206
8207
8208
8209
8210
8211
8212
8213
8214
8215
8216
8217
8218
8219
8220
8221
8222
8223
8224
8225
8226
8227
8228
8229
8230
8231
8232
8233
8234
8235
8236
8237
8238
8239
8240
8241
8242
8243
8244
8245
8246
8247
8248
8249
8250
8251
8252
8253
8254
8255
8256
8257
8258
8259
8260
8261
8262
8263
8264
8265
8266
8267
8268
8269
8270
8271
8272
8273
8274
8275
8276
8277
8278
8279
8280
8281
8282
8283
8284
8285
8286
8287
8288
8289
8290
8291
8292
8293
8294
8295
8296
8297
8298
8299
8300
8301
8302
8303
8304
8305
8306
8307
8308
8309
8310
8311
8312
8313
8314
8315
8316
8317
8318
8319
8320
8321
8322
8323
8324
8325
8326
8327
8328
8329
8330
8331
8332
8333
8334
8335
8336
8337
8338
8339
8340
8341
8342
8343
8344
8345
8346
8347
8348
8349
8350
8351
8352
8353
8354
8355
8356
8357
8358
8359
8360
8361
8362
8363
8364
8365
8366
8367
8368
8369
8370
8371
8372
8373
8374
8375
8376
8377
8378
8379
8380
8381
8382
8383
8384
8385
8386
8387
8388
8389
8390
8391
8392
8393
8394
8395
8396
8397
8398
8399
8400
8401
8402
8403
8404
8405
8406
8407
8408
8409
8410
8411
8412
8413
8414
8415
8416
8417
8418
8419
8420
8421
8422
8423
8424
8425
8426
8427
8428
8429
8430
8431
8432
8433
8434
8435
8436
8437
8438
8439
8440
8441
8442
8443
8444
8445
8446
8447
8448
8449
8450
8451
8452
8453
8454
8455
8456
8457
8458
8459
8460
8461
8462
8463
8464
8465
8466
8467
8468
8469
8470
8471
8472
8473
8474
8475
8476
8477
8478
8479
8480
8481
8482
8483
8484
8485
8486
8487
8488
8489
8490
8491
8492
8493
8494
8495
8496
8497
8498
8499
8500
8501
8502
8503
8504
8505
8506
8507
8508
8509
8510
8511
8512
8513
8514
8515
8516
8517
8518
8519
8520
8521
8522
8523
8524
8525
8526
8527
8528
8529
8530
8531
8532
8533
8534
8535
8536
8537
8538
8539
8540
8541
8542
8543
8544
8545
8546
8547
8548
8549
8550
8551
8552
8553
8554
8555
8556
8557
8558
8559
8560
8561
8562
8563
8564
8565
8566
8567
8568
8569
8570
8571
8572
8573
8574
8575
8576
8577
8578
8579
8580
8581
8582
8583
8584
8585
8586
8587
8588
8589
8590
8591
8592
8593
8594
8595
8596
8597
8598
8599
8600
8601
8602
8603
8604
8605
8606
8607
8608
8609
8610
8611
8612
8613
8614
8615
8616
8617
8618
8619
8620
8621
8622
8623
8624
8625
8626
8627
8628
8629
8630
8631
8632
8633
8634
8635
8636
8637
8638
8639
8640
8641
8642
8643
8644
8645
8646
8647
8648
8649
8650
8651
8652
8653
8654
8655
8656
8657
8658
8659
8660
8661
8662
8663
8664
8665
8666
8667
8668
8669
8670
8671
8672
8673
8674
8675
8676
8677
8678
8679
8680
8681
8682
8683
8684
8685
8686
8687
8688
8689
8690
8691
8692
8693
8694
8695
8696
8697
8698
8699
8700
8701
8702
8703
8704
8705
8706
8707
8708
8709
8710
8711
8712
8713
8714
8715
8716
8717
8718
8719
8720
8721
8722
8723
8724
8725
8726
8727
8728
8729
8730
8731
8732
8733
8734
8735
8736
8737
8738
8739
8740
8741
8742
8743
8744
8745
8746
8747
8748
8749
8750
8751
8752
8753
8754
8755
8756
8757
8758
8759
8760
8761
8762
8763
8764
8765
8766
8767
8768
8769
8770
8771
8772
8773
8774
8775
8776
8777
8778
8779
8780
8781
8782
8783
8784
8785
8786
8787
8788
8789
8790
8791
8792
8793
8794
8795
8796
8797
8798
8799
8800
8801
8802
8803
8804
8805
8806
8807
8808
8809
8810
8811
8812
8813
8814
8815
8816
8817
8818
8819
8820
8821
8822
8823
8824
8825
8826
8827
8828
8829
8830
8831
8832
8833
8834
8835
8836
8837
8838
8839
8840
8841
8842
8843
8844
8845
8846
8847
8848
8849
8850
8851
8852
8853
8854
8855
8856
8857
8858
8859
8860
8861
8862
8863
8864
8865
8866
8867
8868
8869
8870
8871
8872
8873
8874
8875
8876
8877
8878
8879
8880
8881
8882
8883
8884
8885
8886
8887
8888
8889
8890
8891
8892
8893
8894
8895
8896
8897
8898
8899
8900
8901
8902
8903
8904
8905
8906
8907
8908
8909
8910
8911
8912
8913
8914
8915
8916
8917
8918
8919
8920
8921
8922
8923
8924
8925
8926
8927
8928
8929
8930
8931
8932
8933
8934
8935
8936
8937
8938
8939
8940
8941
8942
8943
8944
8945
8946
8947
8948
8949
8950
8951
8952
8953
8954
8955
8956
8957
8958
8959
8960
8961
8962
8963
8964
8965
8966
8967
8968
8969
8970
8971
8972
8973
8974
8975
8976
8977
8978
8979
8980
8981
8982
8983
8984
8985
8986
8987
8988
8989
8990
8991
8992
8993
8994
8995
8996
8997
8998
8999
9000
9001
9002
9003
9004
9005
9006
9007
9008
9009
9010
9011
9012
9013
9014
9015
9016
9017
9018
9019
9020
9021
9022
9023
9024
9025
9026
9027
9028
9029
9030
9031
9032
9033
9034
9035
9036
9037
9038
9039
9040
9041
9042
9043
9044
9045
9046
9047
9048
9049
9050
9051
9052
9053
9054
9055
9056
9057
9058
9059
9060
9061
9062
9063
9064
9065
9066
9067
9068
9069
9070
9071
9072
9073
9074
9075
9076
9077
9078
9079
9080
9081
9082
9083
9084
9085
9086
9087
9088
9089
9090
9091
9092
9093
9094
9095
9096
9097
9098
9099
9100
9101
9102
9103
9104
9105
9106
9107
9108
9109
9110
9111
9112
9113
9114
9115
9116
9117
9118
9119
9120
9121
9122
9123
9124
9125
9126
9127
9128
9129
9130
9131
9132
9133
9134
9135
9136
9137
9138
9139
9140
9141
9142
9143
9144
9145
9146
9147
9148
9149
9150
9151
9152
9153
9154
9155
9156
9157
9158
9159
9160
9161
9162
9163
9164
9165
9166
9167
9168
9169
9170
9171
9172
9173
9174
9175
9176
9177
9178
9179
9180
9181
9182
9183
9184
9185
9186
9187
9188
9189
9190
9191
9192
9193
9194
9195
9196
9197
9198
9199
9200
9201
9202
9203
9204
9205
9206
9207
9208
9209
9210
9211
9212
9213
9214
9215
9216
9217
9218
9219
9220
9221
9222
9223
9224
9225
9226
9227
9228
9229
9230
9231
9232
9233
9234
9235
9236
9237
9238
9239
9240
9241
9242
9243
9244
9245
9246
9247
9248
9249
9250
9251
9252
9253
9254
9255
9256
9257
9258
9259
9260
9261
9262
9263
9264
9265
9266
9267
9268
9269
9270
9271
9272
9273
9274
9275
9276
9277
9278
9279
9280
9281
9282
9283
9284
9285
9286
9287
9288
9289
9290
9291
9292
9293
9294
9295
9296
9297
9298
9299
9300
9301
9302
9303
9304
9305
9306
9307
9308
9309
9310
9311
9312
9313
9314
9315
9316
9317
9318
9319
9320
9321
9322
9323
9324
9325
9326
9327
9328
9329
9330
9331
9332
9333
9334
9335
9336
9337
9338
9339
9340
9341
9342
9343
9344
9345
9346
9347
9348
9349
9350
9351
9352
9353
9354
9355
9356
9357
9358
9359
9360
9361
9362
9363
9364
9365
9366
9367
9368
9369
9370
9371
9372
9373
9374
9375
9376
9377
9378
9379
9380
9381
9382
9383
9384
9385
9386
9387
9388
9389
9390
9391
9392
9393
9394
9395
9396
9397
9398
9399
9400
9401
9402
9403
9404
9405
9406
9407
9408
9409
9410
9411
9412
9413
9414
9415
9416
9417
9418
9419
9420
9421
9422
9423
9424
9425
9426
9427
9428
9429
9430
9431
9432
9433
9434
9435
9436
9437
9438
9439
9440
9441
9442
9443
9444
9445
9446
9447
9448
9449
9450
9451
9452
9453
9454
9455
9456
9457
9458
9459
9460
9461
9462
9463
9464
9465
9466
9467
9468
9469
9470
9471
9472
9473
9474
9475
9476
9477
9478
9479
9480
9481
9482
9483
9484
9485
9486
9487
9488
9489
9490
9491
9492
9493
9494
9495
9496
9497
9498
9499
9500
9501
9502
9503
9504
9505
9506
9507
9508
9509
9510
9511
9512
9513
9514
9515
9516
9517
9518
9519
9520
9521
9522
9523
9524
9525
9526
9527
9528
9529
9530
9531
9532
9533
9534
9535
9536
9537
9538
9539
9540
9541
9542
9543
9544
9545
9546
9547
9548
9549
9550
9551
9552
9553
9554
9555
9556
9557
9558
9559
9560
9561
9562
9563
9564
9565
9566
9567
9568
9569
9570
9571
9572
9573
9574
9575
9576
9577
9578
9579
9580
9581
9582
9583
9584
9585
9586
9587
9588
9589
9590
9591
9592
9593
9594
9595
9596
9597
9598
9599
9600
9601
9602
9603
9604
9605
9606
9607
9608
9609
9610
9611
9612
9613
9614
9615
9616
9617
9618
9619
9620
9621
9622
9623
9624
9625
9626
9627
9628
9629
9630
9631
9632
9633
9634
9635
9636
9637
9638
9639
9640
9641
9642
9643
9644
9645
9646
9647
9648
9649
9650
9651
9652
9653
9654
9655
9656
9657
9658
9659
9660
9661
9662
9663
9664
9665
9666
9667
9668
9669
9670
9671
9672
9673
9674
9675
9676
9677
9678
9679
9680
9681
9682
9683
9684
9685
9686
9687
9688
9689
9690
9691
9692
9693
9694
9695
9696
9697
9698
9699
9700
9701
9702
9703
9704
9705
9706
9707
9708
9709
9710
9711
9712
9713
9714
9715
9716
9717
9718
9719
9720
9721
9722
9723
9724
9725
9726
9727
9728
9729
9730
9731
9732
9733
9734
9735
9736
9737
9738
9739
9740
9741
9742
9743
9744
9745
9746
9747
9748
9749
9750
9751
9752
9753
9754
9755
9756
9757
9758
9759
9760
9761
9762
9763
9764
9765
9766
9767
9768
9769
9770
9771
9772
9773
9774
9775
9776
9777
9778
9779
9780
9781
9782
9783
9784
9785
9786
9787
9788
9789
9790
9791
9792
9793
9794
9795
9796
9797
9798
9799
9800
9801
9802
9803
9804
9805
9806
9807
9808
9809
9810
9811
9812
9813
9814
9815
9816
9817
9818
9819
9820
9821
9822
9823
9824
9825
9826
9827
9828
9829
9830
9831
9832
9833
9834
9835
9836
9837
9838
9839
9840
9841
9842
9843
9844
9845
9846
9847
9848
9849
9850
9851
9852
9853
9854
9855
9856
9857
9858
9859
9860
9861
9862
9863
9864
9865
9866
9867
9868
9869
9870
9871
9872
9873
9874
9875
9876
9877
9878
9879
9880
9881
9882
9883
9884
9885
9886
9887
9888
9889
9890
9891
9892
9893
9894
9895
9896
9897
9898
9899
9900
9901
9902
9903
9904
9905
9906
9907
9908
9909
9910
9911
9912
9913
9914
9915
9916
9917
9918
9919
9920
9921
9922
9923
9924
9925
9926
9927
9928
9929
9930
9931
9932
9933
9934
9935
9936
9937
9938
9939
9940
9941
9942
9943
9944
9945
9946
9947
9948
9949
9950
9951
9952
9953
9954
9955
9956
9957
9958
9959
9960
9961
9962
9963
9964
9965
9966
9967
9968
9969
9970
9971
9972
9973
9974
9975
9976
9977
9978
9979
9980
9981
9982
9983
9984
9985
9986
9987
9988
9989
9990
9991
9992
9993
9994
9995
9996
9997
9998
9999
10000
10001
10002
10003
10004
10005
10006
10007
10008
10009
10010
10011
10012
10013
10014
10015
10016
10017
10018
10019
10020
10021
10022
10023
10024
10025
10026
10027
10028
10029
10030
10031
10032
10033
10034
10035
10036
10037
10038
10039
10040
10041
10042
10043
10044
10045
10046
10047
10048
10049
10050
10051
10052
10053
10054
10055
10056
10057
10058
10059
10060
10061
10062
10063
10064
10065
10066
10067
10068
10069
10070
10071
10072
10073
10074
10075
10076
10077
10078
10079
10080
10081
10082
10083
10084
10085
10086
10087
10088
10089
10090
10091
10092
10093
10094
10095
10096
10097
10098
10099
10100
10101
10102
10103
10104
10105
10106
10107
10108
10109
10110
10111
10112
10113
10114
10115
10116
10117
10118
10119
10120
10121
10122
10123
10124
10125
10126
10127
10128
10129
10130
10131
10132
10133
10134
10135
10136
10137
10138
10139
10140
10141
10142
10143
10144
10145
10146
10147
10148
10149
10150
10151
10152
10153
10154
10155
10156
10157
10158
10159
10160
10161
10162
10163
10164
10165
10166
10167
10168
10169
10170
10171
10172
10173
10174
10175
10176
10177
10178
10179
10180
10181
10182
10183
10184
10185
10186
10187
10188
10189
10190
10191
10192
10193
10194
10195
10196
10197
10198
10199
10200
10201
10202
10203
10204
10205
10206
10207
10208
10209
10210
10211
10212
10213
10214
10215
10216
10217
10218
10219
10220
10221
10222
10223
10224
10225
10226
10227
10228
10229
10230
10231
10232
10233
10234
10235
10236
10237
10238
10239
10240
10241
10242
10243
10244
10245
10246
10247
10248
10249
10250
10251
10252
10253
10254
10255
10256
10257
10258
10259
10260
10261
10262
10263
10264
10265
10266
10267
10268
10269
10270
10271
10272
10273
10274
10275
10276
10277
10278
10279
10280
10281
10282
10283
10284
10285
10286
10287
10288
10289
10290
10291
10292
10293
10294
10295
10296
10297
10298
10299
10300
10301
10302
10303
10304
10305
10306
10307
10308
10309
10310
10311
10312
10313
10314
10315
10316
10317
10318
10319
10320
10321
10322
10323
10324
10325
10326
10327
10328
10329
10330
10331
10332
10333
10334
10335
10336
10337
10338
10339
10340
10341
10342
10343
10344
10345
10346
10347
10348
10349
10350
10351
10352
10353
10354
10355
10356
10357
10358
10359
10360
10361
10362
10363
10364
10365
10366
10367
10368
10369
10370
10371
10372
10373
10374
10375
10376
10377
10378
10379
10380
10381
10382
10383
10384
10385
10386
10387
10388
10389
10390
10391
10392
10393
10394
10395
10396
10397
10398
10399
10400
10401
10402
10403
10404
10405
10406
10407
10408
10409
10410
10411
10412
10413
10414
10415
10416
10417
10418
10419
10420
10421
10422
10423
10424
10425
10426
10427
10428
10429
10430
10431
10432
10433
10434
10435
10436
10437
10438
10439
10440
10441
10442
10443
10444
10445
10446
10447
10448
10449
10450
10451
10452
10453
10454
10455
10456
10457
10458
10459
10460
10461
10462
10463
10464
10465
10466
10467
10468
10469
10470
10471
10472
10473
10474
10475
10476
10477
10478
10479
10480
10481
10482
10483
10484
10485
10486
10487
10488
10489
10490
10491
10492
10493
10494
10495
10496
10497
10498
10499
10500
10501
10502
10503
10504
10505
10506
10507
10508
10509
10510
10511
10512
10513
10514
10515
10516
10517
10518
10519
10520
10521
10522
10523
10524
10525
10526
10527
10528
10529
10530
10531
10532
10533
10534
10535
10536
10537
10538
10539
10540
10541
10542
10543
10544
10545
10546
10547
10548
10549
10550
10551
10552
10553
10554
10555
10556
10557
10558
10559
10560
10561
10562
10563
10564
10565
10566
10567
10568
10569
10570
10571
10572
10573
10574
10575
10576
10577
10578
10579
10580
10581
10582
10583
10584
10585
10586
10587
10588
10589
10590
10591
10592
10593
10594
10595
10596
10597
10598
10599
10600
10601
10602
10603
10604
10605
10606
10607
10608
10609
10610
10611
10612
10613
10614
10615
10616
10617
10618
10619
10620
10621
10622
10623
10624
10625
10626
10627
10628
10629
10630
10631
10632
10633
10634
10635
10636
10637
10638
10639
10640
10641
10642
10643
10644
10645
10646
10647
10648
10649
10650
10651
10652
10653
10654
10655
10656
10657
10658
10659
10660
10661
10662
10663
10664
10665
10666
10667
10668
10669
10670
10671
10672
10673
10674
10675
10676
10677
10678
10679
10680
10681
10682
10683
10684
10685
10686
10687
10688
10689
10690
10691
10692
10693
10694
10695
10696
10697
10698
10699
10700
10701
10702
10703
10704
10705
10706
10707
10708
10709
10710
10711
10712
10713
10714
10715
10716
10717
10718
10719
10720
10721
10722
10723
10724
10725
10726
10727
10728
10729
10730
10731
10732
10733
10734
10735
10736
10737
10738
10739
10740
10741
10742
10743
10744
10745
10746
10747
10748
10749
10750
10751
10752
10753
10754
10755
10756
10757
10758
10759
10760
10761
10762
10763
10764
10765
10766
10767
10768
10769
10770
10771
10772
10773
10774
10775
10776
10777
10778
10779
10780
10781
10782
10783
10784
10785
10786
10787
10788
10789
10790
10791
10792
10793
10794
10795
10796
10797
10798
10799
10800
10801
10802
10803
10804
10805
10806
10807
10808
10809
10810
10811
10812
10813
10814
10815
10816
10817
10818
10819
10820
10821
10822
10823
10824
10825
10826
10827
10828
10829
10830
10831
10832
10833
10834
10835
10836
10837
10838
10839
10840
10841
10842
10843
10844
10845
10846
10847
10848
10849
10850
10851
10852
10853
10854
10855
10856
10857
10858
10859
10860
10861
10862
10863
10864
10865
10866
10867
10868
10869
10870
10871
10872
10873
10874
10875
10876
10877
10878
10879
10880
10881
10882
10883
10884
10885
10886
10887
10888
10889
10890
10891
10892
10893
10894
10895
10896
10897
10898
10899
10900
10901
10902
10903
10904
10905
10906
10907
10908
10909
10910
10911
10912
10913
10914
10915
10916
10917
10918
10919
10920
10921
10922
10923
10924
10925
10926
10927
10928
10929
10930
10931
10932
10933
10934
10935
10936
10937
10938
10939
10940
10941
10942
10943
10944
10945
10946
10947
10948
10949
10950
10951
10952
10953
10954
10955
10956
10957
10958
10959
10960
10961
10962
10963
10964
10965
10966
10967
10968
10969
10970
10971
10972
10973
10974
10975
10976
10977
10978
10979
10980
10981
10982
10983
10984
10985
10986
10987
10988
10989
10990
10991
10992
10993
10994
10995
10996
10997
10998
10999
11000
11001
11002
11003
11004
11005
11006
11007
11008
11009
11010
11011
11012
11013
11014
11015
11016
11017
11018
11019
11020
11021
11022
11023
11024
11025
11026
11027
11028
11029
11030
11031
11032
11033
11034
11035
11036
11037
11038
11039
11040
11041
11042
11043
11044
11045
11046
11047
11048
11049
11050
11051
11052
11053
11054
11055
11056
11057
11058
11059
11060
11061
11062
11063
11064
11065
11066
11067
11068
11069
11070
11071
11072
11073
11074
11075
11076
11077
11078
11079
11080
11081
11082
11083
11084
11085
11086
11087
11088
11089
11090
11091
11092
11093
11094
11095
11096
11097
11098
11099
11100
11101
11102
11103
11104
11105
11106
11107
11108
11109
11110
11111
11112
11113
11114
11115
11116
11117
11118
11119
11120
11121
11122
11123
11124
11125
11126
11127
11128
11129
11130
11131
11132
11133
11134
11135
11136
11137
11138
11139
11140
11141
11142
11143
11144
11145
11146
11147
11148
11149
11150
11151
11152
11153
11154
11155
11156
11157
11158
11159
11160
11161
11162
11163
11164
11165
11166
11167
11168
11169
11170
11171
11172
11173
11174
11175
11176
11177
11178
11179
11180
11181
11182
11183
11184
11185
11186
11187
11188
11189
11190
11191
11192
11193
11194
11195
11196
11197
11198
11199
11200
11201
11202
11203
11204
11205
11206
11207
11208
11209
11210
11211
11212
11213
11214
11215
11216
11217
11218
11219
11220
11221
11222
11223
11224
11225
11226
11227
11228
11229
11230
11231
11232
11233
11234
11235
11236
11237
11238
11239
11240
11241
11242
11243
11244
11245
11246
11247
11248
11249
11250
11251
11252
11253
11254
11255
11256
11257
11258
11259
11260
11261
11262
11263
11264
11265
11266
11267
11268
11269
11270
11271
11272
11273
11274
11275
11276
11277
11278
11279
11280
11281
11282
11283
11284
11285
11286
11287
11288
11289
11290
11291
11292
11293
11294
11295
11296
11297
11298
11299
11300
11301
11302
11303
11304
11305
11306
11307
11308
11309
11310
11311
11312
11313
11314
11315
11316
11317
11318
11319
11320
11321
11322
11323
11324
11325
11326
11327
11328
11329
11330
11331
11332
11333
11334
11335
11336
11337
11338
11339
11340
11341
11342
11343
11344
11345
11346
11347
11348
11349
11350
11351
11352
11353
11354
11355
11356
11357
11358
11359
11360
11361
11362
11363
11364
11365
11366
11367
11368
11369
11370
11371
11372
11373
11374
11375
11376
11377
11378
11379
11380
11381
11382
11383
11384
11385
11386
11387
11388
11389
11390
11391
11392
11393
11394
11395
11396
11397
11398
11399
11400
11401
11402
11403
11404
11405
11406
11407
11408
11409
11410
11411
11412
11413
11414
11415
11416
11417
11418
11419
11420
11421
11422
11423
11424
11425
11426
11427
11428
11429
11430
11431
11432
11433
11434
11435
11436
11437
11438
11439
11440
11441
11442
11443
11444
11445
11446
11447
11448
11449
11450
11451
11452
11453
11454
11455
11456
11457
11458
11459
11460
11461
11462
11463
11464
11465
11466
11467
11468
11469
11470
11471
11472
11473
11474
11475
11476
11477
11478
11479
11480
11481
11482
11483
11484
11485
11486
11487
11488
11489
11490
11491
11492
11493
11494
11495
11496
11497
11498
11499
11500
11501
11502
11503
11504
11505
11506
11507
11508
11509
11510
11511
11512
11513
11514
11515
11516
11517
11518
11519
11520
11521
11522
11523
11524
11525
11526
11527
11528
11529
11530
11531
11532
11533
11534
11535
11536
11537
11538
11539
11540
11541
11542
11543
11544
11545
11546
11547
11548
11549
11550
11551
11552
11553
11554
11555
11556
11557
11558
11559
11560
11561
11562
11563
11564
11565
11566
11567
11568
11569
11570
11571
11572
11573
11574
11575
11576
11577
11578
11579
11580
11581
11582
11583
11584
11585
11586
11587
11588
11589
11590
11591
11592
11593
11594
11595
11596
11597
11598
11599
11600
11601
11602
11603
11604
11605
11606
11607
11608
11609
11610
11611
11612
11613
11614
11615
11616
11617
11618
11619
11620
11621
11622
11623
11624
11625
11626
11627
11628
11629
11630
11631
11632
11633
11634
11635
11636
11637
11638
11639
11640
11641
11642
11643
11644
11645
11646
11647
11648
11649
11650
11651
11652
11653
11654
11655
11656
11657
11658
11659
11660
11661
11662
11663
11664
11665
11666
11667
11668
11669
11670
11671
11672
11673
11674
11675
11676
11677
11678
11679
11680
11681
11682
11683
11684
11685
11686
11687
11688
11689
11690
11691
11692
11693
11694
11695
11696
11697
11698
11699
11700
11701
11702
11703
11704
11705
11706
11707
11708
11709
11710
11711
11712
11713
11714
11715
11716
11717
11718
11719
11720
11721
11722
11723
11724
11725
11726
11727
11728
11729
11730
11731
11732
11733
11734
11735
11736
11737
11738
11739
11740
11741
11742
11743
11744
11745
11746
11747
11748
11749
11750
11751
11752
11753
11754
11755
11756
11757
11758
11759
11760
11761
11762
11763
11764
11765
11766
11767
11768
11769
11770
11771
11772
11773
11774
11775
11776
11777
11778
11779
11780
11781
11782
11783
11784
11785
11786
11787
11788
11789
11790
11791
11792
11793
11794
11795
11796
11797
11798
11799
11800
11801
11802
11803
11804
11805
11806
11807
11808
11809
11810
11811
11812
11813
11814
11815
11816
11817
11818
11819
11820
11821
11822
11823
11824
11825
11826
11827
11828
11829
11830
11831
11832
11833
11834
11835
11836
11837
11838
11839
11840
11841
11842
11843
11844
11845
11846
11847
11848
11849
11850
11851
11852
11853
11854
11855
11856
11857
11858
11859
11860
11861
11862
11863
11864
11865
11866
11867
11868
11869
11870
11871
11872
11873
11874
11875
11876
11877
11878
11879
11880
11881
11882
11883
11884
11885
11886
11887
11888
11889
11890
11891
11892
11893
11894
11895
11896
11897
11898
11899
11900
11901
11902
11903
11904
11905
11906
11907
11908
11909
11910
11911
11912
11913
11914
11915
11916
11917
11918
11919
11920
11921
11922
11923
11924
11925
11926
11927
11928
11929
11930
11931
11932
11933
11934
11935
11936
11937
11938
11939
11940
11941
11942
11943
11944
11945
11946
11947
11948
11949
11950
11951
11952
11953
11954
11955
11956
11957
11958
11959
11960
11961
11962
11963
11964
11965
11966
11967
11968
11969
11970
11971
11972
11973
11974
11975
11976
11977
11978
11979
11980
11981
11982
11983
11984
11985
11986
11987
11988
11989
11990
11991
11992
11993
11994
11995
11996
11997
11998
11999
12000
12001
12002
12003
12004
12005
12006
12007
12008
12009
12010
12011
12012
12013
12014
12015
12016
12017
12018
12019
12020
12021
12022
12023
12024
12025
12026
12027
12028
12029
12030
12031
12032
12033
12034
12035
12036
12037
12038
12039
12040
12041
12042
12043
12044
12045
12046
12047
12048
12049
12050
12051
12052
12053
12054
12055
12056
12057
12058
12059
12060
12061
12062
12063
12064
12065
12066
12067
12068
12069
12070
12071
12072
12073
12074
12075
12076
12077
12078
12079
12080
12081
12082
12083
12084
12085
12086
12087
12088
12089
12090
12091
12092
12093
12094
12095
12096
12097
12098
12099
12100
12101
12102
12103
12104
12105
12106
12107
12108
12109
12110
12111
12112
12113
12114
12115
12116
12117
12118
12119
12120
12121
12122
12123
12124
12125
12126
12127
12128
12129
12130
12131
12132
12133
12134
12135
12136
12137
12138
12139
12140
12141
12142
12143
12144
12145
12146
12147
12148
12149
12150
12151
12152
12153
12154
12155
12156
12157
12158
12159
12160
12161
12162
12163
12164
12165
12166
12167
12168
12169
12170
12171
12172
12173
12174
12175
12176
12177
12178
12179
12180
12181
12182
12183
12184
12185
12186
12187
12188
12189
12190
12191
12192
12193
12194
12195
12196
12197
12198
12199
12200
12201
12202
12203
12204
12205
12206
12207
12208
12209
12210
12211
12212
12213
12214
12215
12216
12217
12218
12219
12220
12221
12222
12223
12224
12225
12226
12227
12228
12229
12230
12231
12232
12233
12234
12235
12236
12237
12238
12239
12240
12241
12242
12243
12244
12245
12246
12247
12248
12249
12250
12251
12252
12253
12254
12255
12256
12257
12258
12259
12260
12261
12262
12263
12264
12265
12266
12267
12268
12269
12270
12271
12272
12273
12274
12275
12276
12277
12278
12279
12280
12281
12282
12283
12284
12285
12286
12287
12288
12289
12290
12291
12292
12293
12294
12295
12296
12297
12298
12299
12300
12301
12302
12303
12304
12305
12306
12307
12308
12309
12310
12311
12312
12313
12314
12315
12316
12317
12318
12319
12320
12321
12322
12323
12324
12325
12326
12327
12328
12329
12330
12331
12332
12333
12334
12335
12336
12337
12338
12339
12340
12341
12342
12343
12344
12345
12346
12347
12348
12349
12350
12351
12352
12353
12354
12355
12356
12357
12358
12359
12360
12361
12362
12363
12364
12365
12366
12367
12368
12369
12370
12371
12372
12373
12374
12375
12376
12377
12378
12379
12380
12381
12382
12383
12384
12385
12386
12387
12388
12389
12390
12391
12392
12393
12394
12395
12396
12397
12398
12399
12400
12401
12402
12403
12404
12405
12406
12407
12408
12409
12410
12411
12412
12413
12414
12415
12416
12417
12418
12419
12420
12421
12422
12423
12424
12425
12426
12427
12428
12429
12430
12431
12432
12433
12434
12435
12436
12437
12438
12439
12440
12441
12442
12443
12444
12445
12446
12447
12448
12449
12450
12451
12452
12453
12454
12455
12456
12457
12458
12459
12460
12461
12462
12463
12464
12465
12466
12467
12468
12469
12470
12471
12472
12473
12474
12475
12476
12477
12478
12479
12480
12481
12482
12483
12484
12485
12486
12487
12488
12489
12490
12491
12492
12493
12494
12495
12496
12497
12498
12499
12500
12501
12502
12503
12504
12505
12506
12507
12508
12509
12510
12511
12512
12513
12514
12515
12516
12517
12518
12519
12520
12521
12522
12523
12524
12525
12526
12527
12528
12529
12530
12531
12532
12533
12534
12535
12536
12537
12538
12539
12540
12541
12542
12543
12544
12545
12546
12547
12548
12549
12550
12551
12552
12553
12554
12555
12556
12557
12558
12559
12560
12561
12562
12563
12564
12565
12566
12567
12568
12569
12570
12571
12572
12573
12574
12575
12576
12577
12578
12579
12580
12581
12582
12583
12584
12585
12586
12587
12588
12589
12590
12591
12592
12593
12594
12595
12596
12597
12598
12599
12600
12601
12602
12603
12604
12605
12606
12607
12608
12609
12610
12611
12612
12613
12614
12615
12616
12617
12618
12619
12620
12621
12622
12623
12624
12625
12626
12627
12628
12629
12630
12631
12632
12633
12634
12635
12636
12637
12638
12639
12640
12641
12642
12643
12644
12645
12646
12647
12648
12649
12650
12651
12652
12653
12654
12655
12656
12657
12658
12659
12660
12661
12662
12663
12664
12665
12666
12667
12668
12669
12670
12671
12672
12673
12674
12675
12676
12677
12678
12679
12680
12681
12682
12683
12684
12685
12686
12687
12688
12689
12690
12691
12692
12693
12694
12695
12696
12697
12698
12699
12700
12701
12702
12703
12704
12705
12706
12707
12708
12709
12710
12711
12712
12713
12714
12715
12716
12717
12718
12719
12720
12721
12722
12723
12724
12725
12726
12727
12728
12729
12730
12731
12732
12733
12734
12735
12736
12737
12738
12739
12740
12741
12742
12743
12744
12745
12746
12747
12748
12749
12750
12751
12752
12753
12754
12755
12756
12757
12758
12759
12760
12761
12762
12763
12764
12765
12766
12767
12768
12769
12770
12771
12772
12773
12774
12775
12776
12777
12778
12779
12780
12781
12782
12783
12784
12785
12786
12787
12788
12789
12790
12791
12792
12793
12794
12795
12796
12797
12798
12799
12800
12801
12802
12803
12804
12805
12806
12807
12808
12809
12810
12811
12812
12813
12814
12815
12816
12817
12818
12819
12820
12821
12822
12823
12824
12825
12826
12827
12828
12829
12830
12831
12832
12833
12834
12835
12836
12837
12838
12839
12840
12841
12842
12843
12844
12845
12846
12847
12848
12849
12850
12851
12852
12853
12854
12855
12856
12857
12858
12859
12860
12861
12862
12863
12864
12865
12866
12867
12868
12869
12870
12871
12872
12873
12874
12875
12876
12877
12878
12879
12880
12881
12882
12883
12884
12885
12886
12887
12888
12889
12890
12891
12892
12893
12894
12895
12896
12897
12898
12899
12900
12901
12902
12903
12904
12905
12906
12907
12908
12909
12910
12911
12912
12913
12914
12915
12916
12917
12918
12919
12920
12921
12922
12923
12924
12925
12926
12927
12928
12929
12930
12931
12932
12933
12934
12935
12936
12937
12938
12939
12940
12941
12942
12943
12944
12945
12946
12947
12948
12949
12950
12951
12952
12953
12954
12955
12956
12957
12958
12959
12960
12961
12962
12963
12964
12965
12966
12967
12968
12969
12970
12971
12972
12973
12974
12975
12976
12977
12978
12979
12980
12981
12982
12983
12984
12985
12986
12987
12988
12989
12990
12991
12992
12993
12994
12995
12996
12997
12998
12999
13000
13001
13002
13003
13004
13005
13006
13007
13008
13009
13010
13011
13012
13013
13014
13015
13016
13017
13018
13019
13020
13021
13022
13023
13024
13025
13026
13027
13028
13029
13030
13031
13032
13033
13034
13035
13036
13037
13038
13039
13040
13041
13042
13043
13044
13045
13046
13047
13048
13049
13050
13051
13052
13053
13054
13055
13056
13057
13058
13059
13060
13061
13062
13063
13064
13065
13066
13067
13068
13069
13070
13071
13072
13073
13074
13075
13076
13077
13078
13079
13080
13081
13082
13083
13084
13085
13086
13087
13088
13089
13090
13091
13092
13093
13094
13095
13096
13097
13098
13099
13100
13101
13102
13103
13104
13105
13106
13107
13108
13109
13110
13111
13112
13113
13114
13115
13116
13117
13118
13119
13120
13121
13122
13123
13124
13125
13126
13127
13128
13129
13130
13131
13132
13133
13134
13135
13136
13137
13138
13139
13140
13141
13142
13143
13144
13145
13146
13147
13148
13149
13150
13151
13152
13153
13154
13155
13156
13157
13158
13159
13160
13161
13162
13163
13164
13165
13166
13167
13168
13169
13170
13171
13172
13173
13174
13175
13176
13177
13178
13179
13180
13181
13182
13183
13184
13185
13186
13187
13188
13189
13190
13191
13192
13193
13194
13195
13196
13197
13198
13199
13200
13201
13202
13203
13204
13205
13206
13207
13208
13209
13210
13211
13212
13213
13214
13215
13216
13217
13218
13219
13220
13221
13222
13223
13224
13225
13226
13227
13228
13229
13230
13231
13232
13233
13234
13235
13236
13237
13238
13239
13240
13241
13242
13243
13244
13245
13246
13247
13248
13249
13250
13251
13252
13253
13254
13255
13256
13257
13258
13259
13260
13261
13262
13263
13264
13265
13266
13267
13268
13269
13270
13271
13272
13273
13274
13275
13276
13277
13278
13279
13280
13281
13282
13283
13284
13285
13286
13287
13288
13289
13290
13291
13292
13293
13294
13295
13296
13297
13298
13299
13300
13301
13302
13303
13304
13305
13306
13307
13308
13309
13310
13311
13312
13313
13314
13315
13316
13317
13318
13319
13320
13321
13322
13323
13324
13325
13326
13327
13328
13329
13330
13331
13332
13333
13334
13335
13336
13337
13338
13339
13340
13341
13342
13343
13344
13345
13346
13347
13348
13349
13350
13351
13352
13353
13354
13355
13356
13357
13358
13359
13360
13361
13362
13363
13364
13365
13366
13367
13368
13369
13370
13371
13372
13373
13374
13375
13376
13377
13378
13379
13380
13381
13382
13383
13384
13385
13386
13387
13388
13389
13390
13391
13392
13393
13394
13395
13396
13397
13398
13399
13400
13401
13402
13403
13404
13405
13406
13407
13408
13409
13410
13411
13412
13413
13414
13415
13416
13417
13418
13419
13420
13421
13422
13423
13424
13425
13426
13427
13428
13429
13430
13431
13432
13433
13434
13435
13436
13437
13438
13439
13440
13441
13442
13443
13444
13445
13446
13447
13448
13449
13450
13451
13452
13453
13454
13455
13456
13457
13458
13459
13460
13461
13462
13463
13464
13465
13466
13467
13468
13469
13470
13471
13472
13473
13474
13475
13476
13477
13478
13479
13480
13481
13482
13483
13484
13485
13486
13487
13488
13489
13490
13491
13492
13493
13494
13495
13496
13497
13498
13499
13500
13501
13502
13503
13504
13505
13506
13507
13508
13509
13510
13511
13512
13513
13514
13515
13516
13517
13518
13519
13520
13521
13522
13523
13524
13525
13526
13527
13528
13529
13530
13531
13532
13533
13534
13535
13536
13537
13538
13539
13540
13541
13542
13543
13544
13545
13546
13547
13548
13549
13550
13551
13552
13553
13554
13555
13556
13557
13558
13559
13560
13561
13562
13563
13564
13565
13566
13567
13568
13569
13570
13571
13572
13573
13574
13575
13576
13577
13578
13579
13580
13581
13582
13583
13584
13585
13586
13587
13588
13589
13590
13591
13592
13593
13594
13595
13596
13597
13598
13599
13600
13601
13602
13603
13604
13605
13606
13607
13608
13609
13610
13611
13612
13613
13614
13615
13616
13617
13618
13619
13620
13621
13622
13623
13624
13625
13626
13627
13628
13629
13630
13631
13632
13633
13634
13635
13636
13637
13638
13639
13640
13641
13642
13643
13644
13645
13646
13647
13648
13649
13650
13651
13652
13653
13654
13655
13656
13657
13658
13659
13660
13661
13662
13663
13664
13665
13666
13667
13668
13669
13670
13671
13672
13673
13674
13675
13676
13677
13678
13679
13680
13681
13682
13683
13684
13685
13686
13687
13688
13689
13690
13691
13692
13693
13694
13695
13696
13697
13698
13699
13700
13701
13702
13703
13704
13705
13706
13707
13708
13709
13710
13711
13712
13713
13714
13715
13716
13717
13718
13719
13720
13721
13722
13723
13724
13725
13726
13727
13728
13729
13730
13731
13732
13733
13734
13735
13736
13737
13738
13739
13740
13741
13742
13743
13744
13745
13746
13747
13748
13749
13750
13751
13752
13753
13754
13755
13756
13757
13758
13759
13760
13761
13762
13763
13764
13765
13766
13767
13768
13769
13770
13771
13772
13773
13774
13775
13776
13777
13778
13779
13780
13781
13782
13783
13784
13785
13786
13787
13788
13789
13790
13791
13792
13793
13794
13795
13796
13797
13798
13799
13800
13801
13802
13803
13804
13805
13806
13807
13808
13809
13810
13811
13812
13813
13814
13815
13816
13817
13818
13819
13820
13821
13822
13823
13824
13825
13826
13827
13828
13829
13830
13831
13832
13833
13834
13835
13836
13837
13838
13839
13840
13841
13842
13843
13844
13845
13846
13847
13848
13849
13850
13851
13852
13853
13854
13855
13856
13857
13858
13859
13860
13861
13862
13863
13864
13865
13866
13867
13868
13869
13870
13871
13872
13873
13874
13875
13876
13877
13878
13879
13880
13881
13882
13883
13884
13885
13886
13887
13888
13889
13890
13891
13892
13893
13894
13895
13896
13897
13898
13899
13900
13901
13902
13903
13904
13905
13906
13907
13908
13909
13910
13911
13912
13913
13914
13915
13916
13917
13918
13919
13920
13921
13922
13923
13924
13925
13926
13927
13928
13929
13930
13931
13932
13933
13934
13935
13936
13937
13938
13939
13940
13941
13942
13943
13944
13945
13946
13947
13948
13949
13950
13951
13952
13953
13954
13955
13956
13957
13958
13959
13960
13961
13962
13963
13964
13965
13966
13967
13968
13969
13970
13971
13972
13973
13974
13975
13976
13977
13978
13979
13980
13981
13982
13983
13984
13985
13986
13987
13988
13989
13990
13991
13992
13993
13994
13995
13996
13997
13998
13999
14000
14001
14002
14003
14004
14005
14006
14007
14008
14009
14010
14011
14012
14013
14014
14015
14016
14017
14018
14019
14020
14021
14022
14023
14024
14025
14026
14027
14028
14029
14030
14031
14032
14033
14034
14035
14036
14037
14038
14039
14040
14041
14042
14043
14044
14045
14046
14047
14048
14049
14050
14051
14052
14053
14054
14055
14056
14057
14058
14059
14060
14061
14062
14063
14064
14065
14066
14067
14068
14069
14070
14071
14072
14073
14074
14075
14076
14077
14078
14079
14080
14081
14082
14083
14084
14085
14086
14087
14088
14089
14090
14091
14092
14093
14094
14095
14096
14097
14098
14099
14100
14101
14102
14103
14104
14105
14106
14107
14108
14109
14110
14111
14112
14113
14114
14115
14116
14117
14118
14119
14120
14121
14122
14123
14124
14125
14126
14127
14128
14129
14130
14131
14132
14133
14134
14135
14136
14137
14138
14139
14140
14141
14142
14143
14144
14145
14146
14147
14148
14149
14150
14151
14152
14153
14154
14155
14156
14157
14158
14159
14160
14161
14162
14163
14164
14165
14166
14167
14168
14169
14170
14171
14172
14173
14174
14175
14176
14177
14178
14179
14180
14181
14182
14183
14184
14185
14186
14187
14188
14189
14190
14191
14192
14193
14194
14195
14196
14197
14198
14199
14200
14201
14202
14203
14204
14205
14206
14207
14208
14209
14210
14211
14212
14213
14214
14215
14216
14217
14218
14219
14220
14221
14222
14223
14224
14225
14226
14227
14228
14229
14230
14231
14232
14233
14234
14235
14236
14237
14238
14239
14240
14241
14242
14243
14244
14245
14246
14247
14248
14249
14250
14251
14252
14253
14254
14255
14256
14257
14258
14259
14260
14261
14262
14263
14264
14265
14266
14267
14268
14269
14270
14271
14272
14273
14274
14275
14276
14277
14278
14279
14280
14281
14282
14283
14284
14285
14286
14287
14288
14289
14290
14291
14292
14293
14294
14295
14296
14297
14298
14299
14300
14301
14302
14303
14304
14305
14306
14307
14308
14309
14310
14311
14312
14313
14314
14315
14316
14317
14318
14319
14320
14321
14322
14323
14324
14325
14326
14327
14328
14329
14330
14331
14332
14333
14334
14335
14336
14337
14338
14339
14340
14341
14342
14343
14344
14345
14346
14347
14348
14349
14350
14351
14352
14353
14354
14355
14356
14357
14358
14359
14360
14361
14362
14363
14364
14365
14366
14367
14368
14369
14370
14371
14372
14373
14374
14375
14376
14377
14378
14379
14380
14381
14382
14383
14384
14385
14386
14387
14388
14389
14390
14391
14392
14393
14394
14395
14396
14397
14398
14399
14400
14401
14402
14403
14404
14405
14406
14407
14408
14409
14410
14411
14412
14413
14414
14415
14416
14417
14418
14419
14420
14421
14422
14423
14424
14425
14426
14427
14428
14429
14430
14431
14432
14433
14434
14435
14436
14437
14438
14439
14440
14441
14442
14443
14444
14445
14446
14447
14448
14449
14450
14451
14452
14453
14454
14455
14456
14457
14458
14459
14460
14461
14462
14463
14464
14465
14466
14467
14468
14469
14470
14471
14472
14473
14474
14475
14476
14477
14478
14479
14480
14481
14482
14483
14484
14485
14486
14487
14488
14489
14490
14491
14492
14493
14494
14495
14496
14497
14498
14499
14500
14501
14502
14503
14504
14505
14506
14507
14508
14509
14510
14511
14512
14513
14514
14515
14516
14517
14518
14519
14520
14521
14522
14523
14524
14525
14526
14527
14528
14529
14530
14531
14532
14533
14534
14535
14536
14537
14538
14539
14540
14541
14542
14543
14544
14545
14546
14547
14548
14549
14550
14551
14552
14553
14554
14555
14556
14557
14558
14559
14560
14561
14562
14563
14564
14565
14566
14567
14568
14569
14570
14571
14572
14573
14574
14575
14576
14577
14578
14579
14580
14581
14582
14583
14584
14585
14586
14587
14588
14589
14590
14591
14592
14593
14594
14595
14596
14597
14598
14599
14600
14601
14602
14603
14604
14605
14606
14607
14608
14609
14610
14611
14612
14613
14614
14615
14616
14617
14618
14619
14620
14621
14622
14623
14624
14625
14626
14627
14628
14629
14630
14631
14632
14633
14634
14635
14636
14637
14638
14639
14640
14641
14642
14643
14644
14645
14646
14647
14648
14649
14650
14651
14652
14653
14654
14655
14656
14657
14658
14659
14660
14661
14662
14663
14664
14665
14666
14667
14668
14669
14670
14671
14672
14673
14674
14675
14676
14677
14678
14679
14680
14681
14682
14683
14684
14685
14686
14687
14688
14689
14690
14691
14692
14693
14694
14695
14696
14697
14698
14699
14700
14701
14702
14703
14704
14705
14706
14707
14708
14709
14710
14711
14712
14713
14714
14715
14716
14717
14718
14719
14720
14721
14722
14723
14724
14725
14726
14727
14728
14729
14730
14731
14732
14733
14734
14735
14736
14737
14738
14739
14740
14741
14742
14743
14744
14745
14746
14747
14748
14749
14750
14751
14752
14753
14754
14755
14756
14757
14758
14759
14760
14761
14762
14763
14764
14765
14766
14767
14768
14769
14770
14771
14772
14773
14774
14775
14776
14777
14778
14779
14780
14781
14782
14783
14784
14785
14786
14787
14788
14789
14790
14791
14792
14793
14794
14795
14796
14797
14798
14799
14800
14801
14802
14803
14804
14805
14806
14807
14808
14809
14810
14811
14812
14813
14814
14815
14816
14817
14818
14819
14820
14821
14822
14823
14824
14825
14826
14827
14828
14829
14830
14831
14832
14833
14834
14835
14836
14837
14838
14839
14840
14841
14842
14843
14844
14845
14846
14847
14848
14849
14850
14851
14852
14853
14854
14855
14856
14857
14858
14859
14860
14861
14862
14863
14864
14865
14866
14867
14868
14869
14870
14871
14872
14873
14874
14875
14876
14877
14878
14879
14880
14881
14882
14883
14884
14885
14886
14887
14888
14889
14890
14891
14892
14893
14894
14895
14896
14897
14898
14899
14900
14901
14902
14903
14904
14905
14906
14907
14908
14909
14910
14911
14912
14913
14914
14915
14916
14917
14918
14919
14920
14921
14922
14923
14924
14925
14926
14927
14928
14929
14930
14931
14932
14933
14934
14935
14936
14937
14938
14939
14940
14941
14942
14943
14944
14945
14946
14947
14948
14949
14950
14951
14952
14953
14954
14955
14956
14957
14958
14959
14960
14961
14962
14963
14964
14965
14966
14967
14968
14969
14970
14971
14972
14973
14974
14975
14976
14977
14978
14979
14980
14981
14982
14983
14984
14985
14986
14987
14988
14989
14990
14991
14992
14993
14994
14995
14996
14997
14998
14999
15000
15001
15002
15003
15004
15005
15006
15007
15008
15009
15010
15011
15012
15013
15014
15015
15016
15017
15018
15019
15020
15021
15022
15023
15024
15025
15026
15027
15028
15029
15030
15031
15032
15033
15034
15035
15036
15037
15038
15039
15040
15041
15042
15043
15044
15045
15046
15047
15048
15049
15050
15051
15052
15053
15054
15055
15056
15057
15058
15059
15060
15061
15062
15063
15064
15065
15066
15067
15068
15069
15070
15071
15072
15073
15074
15075
15076
15077
15078
15079
15080
15081
15082
15083
15084
15085
15086
15087
15088
15089
15090
15091
15092
15093
15094
15095
15096
15097
15098
15099
15100
15101
15102
15103
15104
15105
15106
15107
15108
15109
15110
15111
15112
15113
15114
15115
15116
15117
15118
15119
15120
15121
15122
15123
15124
15125
15126
15127
15128
15129
15130
15131
15132
15133
15134
15135
15136
15137
15138
15139
15140
15141
15142
15143
15144
15145
15146
15147
15148
15149
15150
15151
15152
15153
15154
15155
15156
15157
15158
15159
15160
15161
15162
15163
15164
15165
15166
15167
15168
15169
15170
15171
15172
15173
15174
15175
15176
15177
15178
15179
15180
15181
15182
15183
15184
15185
15186
15187
15188
15189
15190
15191
15192
15193
15194
15195
15196
15197
15198
15199
15200
15201
15202
15203
15204
15205
15206
15207
15208
15209
15210
15211
15212
15213
15214
15215
15216
15217
15218
15219
15220
15221
15222
15223
15224
15225
15226
15227
15228
15229
15230
15231
15232
15233
15234
15235
15236
15237
15238
15239
15240
15241
15242
15243
15244
15245
15246
15247
15248
15249
15250
15251
15252
15253
15254
15255
15256
15257
15258
15259
15260
15261
15262
15263
15264
15265
15266
15267
15268
15269
15270
15271
15272
15273
15274
15275
15276
15277
15278
15279
15280
15281
15282
15283
15284
15285
15286
15287
15288
15289
15290
15291
15292
15293
15294
15295
15296
15297
15298
15299
15300
15301
15302
15303
15304
15305
15306
15307
15308
15309
15310
15311
15312
15313
15314
15315
15316
15317
15318
15319
15320
15321
15322
15323
15324
15325
15326
15327
15328
15329
15330
15331
15332
15333
15334
15335
15336
15337
15338
15339
15340
15341
15342
15343
15344
15345
15346
15347
15348
15349
15350
15351
15352
15353
15354
15355
15356
15357
15358
15359
15360
15361
15362
15363
15364
15365
15366
15367
15368
15369
15370
15371
15372
15373
15374
15375
15376
15377
15378
15379
15380
15381
15382
15383
15384
15385
15386
15387
15388
15389
15390
15391
15392
15393
15394
15395
15396
15397
15398
15399
15400
15401
15402
15403
15404
15405
15406
15407
15408
15409
15410
15411
15412
15413
15414
15415
15416
15417
15418
15419
15420
15421
15422
15423
15424
15425
15426
15427
15428
15429
15430
15431
15432
15433
15434
15435
15436
15437
15438
15439
15440
15441
15442
15443
15444
15445
15446
15447
15448
15449
15450
15451
15452
15453
15454
15455
15456
15457
15458
15459
15460
15461
15462
15463
15464
15465
15466
15467
15468
15469
15470
15471
15472
15473
15474
15475
15476
15477
15478
15479
15480
15481
15482
15483
15484
15485
15486
15487
15488
15489
15490
15491
15492
15493
15494
15495
15496
15497
15498
15499
15500
15501
15502
15503
15504
15505
15506
15507
15508
15509
15510
15511
15512
15513
15514
15515
15516
15517
15518
15519
15520
15521
15522
15523
15524
15525
15526
15527
15528
15529
15530
15531
15532
15533
15534
15535
15536
15537
15538
15539
15540
15541
15542
15543
15544
15545
15546
15547
15548
15549
15550
15551
15552
15553
15554
15555
15556
15557
15558
15559
15560
15561
15562
15563
15564
15565
15566
15567
15568
15569
15570
15571
15572
15573
15574
15575
15576
15577
15578
15579
15580
15581
15582
15583
15584
15585
15586
15587
15588
15589
15590
15591
15592
15593
15594
15595
15596
15597
15598
15599
15600
15601
15602
15603
15604
15605
15606
15607
15608
15609
15610
15611
15612
15613
15614
15615
15616
15617
15618
15619
15620
15621
15622
15623
15624
15625
15626
15627
15628
15629
15630
15631
15632
15633
15634
15635
15636
15637
15638
15639
15640
15641
15642
15643
15644
15645
15646
15647
15648
15649
15650
15651
15652
15653
15654
15655
15656
15657
15658
15659
15660
15661
15662
15663
15664
15665
15666
15667
15668
15669
15670
15671
15672
15673
15674
15675
15676
15677
15678
15679
15680
15681
15682
15683
15684
15685
15686
15687
15688
15689
15690
15691
15692
15693
15694
15695
15696
15697
15698
15699
15700
15701
15702
15703
15704
15705
15706
15707
15708
15709
15710
15711
15712
15713
15714
15715
15716
15717
15718
15719
15720
15721
15722
15723
15724
15725
15726
15727
15728
15729
15730
15731
15732
15733
15734
15735
15736
15737
15738
15739
15740
15741
15742
15743
15744
15745
15746
15747
15748
15749
15750
15751
15752
15753
15754
15755
15756
15757
15758
15759
15760
15761
15762
15763
15764
15765
15766
15767
15768
15769
15770
15771
15772
15773
15774
15775
15776
15777
15778
15779
15780
15781
15782
15783
15784
15785
15786
15787
15788
15789
15790
15791
15792
15793
15794
15795
15796
15797
15798
15799
15800
15801
15802
15803
15804
15805
15806
15807
15808
15809
15810
15811
15812
15813
15814
15815
15816
15817
15818
15819
15820
15821
15822
15823
15824
15825
15826
15827
15828
15829
15830
15831
15832
15833
15834
15835
15836
15837
15838
15839
15840
15841
15842
15843
15844
15845
15846
15847
15848
15849
15850
15851
15852
15853
15854
15855
15856
15857
15858
15859
15860
15861
15862
15863
15864
15865
15866
15867
15868
15869
15870
15871
15872
15873
15874
15875
15876
15877
15878
15879
15880
15881
15882
15883
15884
15885
15886
15887
15888
15889
15890
15891
15892
15893
15894
15895
15896
15897
15898
15899
15900
15901
15902
15903
15904
15905
15906
15907
15908
15909
15910
15911
15912
15913
15914
15915
15916
15917
15918
15919
15920
15921
15922
15923
15924
15925
15926
15927
15928
15929
15930
15931
15932
15933
15934
15935
15936
15937
15938
15939
15940
15941
15942
15943
15944
15945
15946
15947
15948
15949
15950
15951
15952
15953
15954
15955
15956
15957
15958
15959
15960
15961
15962
15963
15964
15965
15966
15967
15968
15969
15970
15971
15972
15973
15974
15975
15976
15977
15978
15979
15980
15981
15982
15983
15984
15985
15986
15987
15988
15989
15990
15991
15992
15993
15994
15995
15996
15997
15998
15999
16000
16001
16002
16003
16004
16005
16006
16007
16008
16009
16010
16011
16012
16013
16014
16015
16016
16017
16018
16019
16020
16021
16022
16023
16024
16025
16026
16027
16028
16029
16030
16031
16032
16033
16034
16035
16036
16037
16038
16039
16040
16041
16042
16043
16044
16045
16046
16047
16048
16049
16050
16051
16052
16053
16054
16055
16056
16057
16058
16059
16060
16061
16062
16063
16064
16065
16066
16067
16068
16069
16070
16071
16072
16073
16074
16075
16076
16077
16078
16079
16080
16081
16082
16083
16084
16085
16086
16087
16088
16089
16090
16091
16092
16093
16094
16095
16096
16097
16098
16099
16100
16101
16102
16103
16104
16105
16106
16107
16108
16109
16110
16111
16112
16113
16114
16115
16116
16117
16118
16119
16120
16121
16122
16123
16124
16125
16126
16127
16128
16129
16130
16131
16132
16133
16134
16135
16136
16137
16138
16139
16140
16141
16142
16143
16144
16145
16146
16147
16148
16149
16150
16151
16152
16153
16154
16155
16156
16157
16158
16159
16160
16161
16162
16163
16164
16165
16166
16167
16168
16169
16170
16171
16172
16173
16174
16175
16176
16177
16178
16179
16180
16181
16182
16183
16184
16185
16186
16187
16188
16189
16190
16191
16192
16193
16194
16195
16196
16197
16198
16199
16200
16201
16202
16203
16204
16205
16206
16207
16208
16209
16210
16211
16212
16213
16214
16215
16216
16217
16218
16219
16220
16221
16222
16223
16224
16225
16226
16227
16228
16229
16230
16231
16232
16233
16234
16235
16236
16237
16238
16239
16240
16241
16242
16243
16244
16245
16246
16247
16248
16249
16250
16251
16252
16253
16254
16255
16256
16257
16258
16259
16260
16261
16262
16263
16264
16265
16266
16267
16268
16269
16270
16271
16272
16273
16274
16275
16276
16277
16278
16279
16280
16281
16282
16283
16284
16285
16286
16287
16288
16289
16290
16291
16292
16293
16294
16295
16296
16297
16298
16299
16300
16301
16302
16303
16304
16305
16306
16307
16308
16309
16310
16311
16312
16313
16314
16315
16316
16317
16318
16319
16320
16321
16322
16323
16324
16325
16326
16327
16328
16329
16330
16331
16332
16333
16334
16335
16336
16337
16338
16339
16340
16341
16342
16343
16344
16345
16346
16347
16348
16349
16350
16351
16352
16353
16354
16355
16356
16357
16358
16359
16360
16361
16362
16363
16364
16365
16366
16367
16368
16369
16370
16371
16372
16373
16374
16375
16376
16377
16378
16379
16380
16381
16382
16383
16384
16385
16386
16387
16388
16389
16390
16391
16392
16393
16394
16395
16396
16397
16398
16399
16400
16401
16402
16403
16404
16405
16406
16407
16408
16409
16410
16411
16412
16413
16414
16415
16416
16417
16418
16419
16420
16421
16422
16423
16424
16425
16426
16427
16428
16429
16430
16431
16432
16433
16434
16435
16436
16437
16438
16439
16440
16441
16442
16443
16444
16445
16446
16447
16448
16449
16450
16451
16452
16453
16454
16455
16456
16457
16458
16459
16460
16461
16462
16463
16464
16465
16466
16467
16468
16469
16470
16471
16472
16473
16474
16475
16476
16477
16478
16479
16480
16481
16482
16483
16484
16485
16486
16487
16488
16489
16490
16491
16492
16493
16494
16495
16496
16497
16498
16499
16500
16501
16502
16503
16504
16505
16506
16507
16508
16509
16510
16511
16512
16513
16514
16515
16516
16517
16518
16519
16520
16521
16522
16523
16524
16525
16526
16527
16528
16529
16530
16531
16532
16533
16534
16535
16536
16537
16538
16539
16540
16541
16542
16543
16544
16545
16546
16547
16548
16549
16550
16551
16552
16553
16554
16555
16556
16557
16558
16559
16560
16561
16562
16563
16564
16565
16566
16567
16568
16569
16570
16571
16572
16573
16574
16575
16576
16577
16578
16579
16580
16581
16582
16583
16584
16585
16586
16587
16588
16589
16590
16591
16592
16593
16594
16595
16596
16597
16598
16599
16600
16601
16602
16603
16604
16605
16606
16607
16608
16609
16610
16611
16612
16613
16614
16615
16616
16617
16618
16619
16620
16621
16622
16623
16624
16625
16626
16627
16628
16629
16630
16631
16632
16633
16634
16635
16636
16637
16638
16639
16640
16641
16642
16643
16644
16645
16646
16647
16648
16649
16650
16651
16652
16653
16654
16655
16656
16657
16658
16659
16660
16661
16662
16663
16664
16665
16666
16667
16668
16669
16670
16671
16672
16673
16674
16675
16676
16677
16678
16679
16680
16681
16682
16683
16684
16685
16686
16687
16688
16689
16690
16691
16692
16693
16694
16695
16696
16697
16698
16699
16700
16701
16702
16703
16704
16705
16706
16707
16708
16709
16710
16711
16712
16713
16714
16715
16716
16717
16718
16719
16720
16721
16722
16723
16724
16725
16726
16727
16728
16729
16730
16731
16732
16733
16734
16735
16736
16737
16738
16739
16740
16741
16742
16743
16744
16745
16746
16747
16748
16749
16750
16751
16752
16753
16754
16755
16756
16757
16758
16759
16760
16761
16762
16763
16764
16765
16766
16767
16768
16769
16770
16771
16772
16773
16774
16775
16776
16777
16778
16779
16780
16781
16782
16783
16784
16785
16786
16787
16788
16789
16790
16791
16792
16793
16794
16795
16796
16797
16798
16799
16800
16801
16802
16803
16804
16805
16806
16807
16808
16809
16810
16811
16812
16813
16814
16815
16816
16817
16818
16819
16820
16821
16822
16823
16824
16825
16826
16827
16828
16829
16830
16831
16832
16833
16834
16835
16836
16837
16838
16839
16840
16841
16842
16843
16844
16845
16846
16847
16848
16849
16850
16851
16852
16853
16854
16855
16856
16857
16858
16859
16860
16861
16862
16863
16864
16865
16866
16867
16868
16869
16870
16871
16872
16873
16874
16875
16876
16877
16878
16879
16880
16881
16882
16883
16884
16885
16886
16887
16888
16889
16890
16891
16892
16893
16894
16895
16896
16897
16898
16899
16900
16901
16902
16903
16904
16905
16906
16907
16908
16909
16910
16911
16912
16913
16914
16915
16916
16917
16918
16919
16920
16921
16922
16923
16924
16925
16926
16927
16928
16929
16930
16931
16932
16933
16934
16935
16936
16937
16938
16939
16940
16941
16942
16943
16944
16945
16946
16947
16948
16949
16950
16951
16952
16953
16954
16955
16956
16957
16958
16959
16960
16961
16962
16963
16964
16965
16966
16967
16968
16969
16970
16971
16972
16973
16974
16975
16976
16977
16978
16979
16980
16981
16982
16983
16984
16985
16986
16987
16988
16989
16990
16991
16992
16993
16994
16995
16996
16997
16998
16999
17000
17001
17002
17003
17004
17005
17006
17007
17008
17009
17010
17011
17012
17013
17014
17015
17016
17017
17018
17019
17020
17021
17022
17023
17024
17025
17026
17027
17028
17029
17030
17031
17032
17033
17034
17035
17036
17037
17038
17039
17040
17041
17042
17043
17044
17045
17046
17047
17048
17049
17050
17051
17052
17053
17054
17055
17056
17057
17058
17059
17060
17061
17062
17063
17064
17065
17066
17067
17068
17069
17070
17071
17072
17073
17074
17075
17076
17077
17078
17079
17080
17081
17082
17083
17084
17085
17086
17087
17088
17089
17090
17091
17092
17093
17094
17095
17096
17097
17098
17099
17100
17101
17102
17103
17104
17105
17106
17107
17108
17109
17110
17111
17112
17113
17114
17115
17116
17117
17118
17119
17120
17121
17122
17123
17124
17125
17126
17127
17128
17129
17130
17131
17132
17133
17134
17135
17136
17137
17138
17139
17140
17141
17142
17143
17144
17145
17146
17147
17148
17149
17150
17151
17152
17153
17154
17155
17156
17157
17158
17159
17160
17161
17162
17163
17164
17165
17166
17167
17168
17169
17170
17171
17172
17173
17174
17175
17176
17177
17178
17179
17180
17181
17182
17183
17184
17185
17186
17187
17188
17189
17190
17191
17192
17193
17194
17195
17196
17197
17198
17199
17200
17201
17202
17203
17204
17205
17206
17207
17208
17209
17210
17211
17212
17213
17214
17215
17216
17217
17218
17219
17220
17221
17222
17223
17224
17225
17226
17227
17228
17229
17230
17231
17232
17233
17234
17235
17236
17237
17238
17239
17240
17241
17242
17243
17244
17245
17246
17247
17248
17249
17250
17251
17252
17253
17254
17255
17256
17257
17258
17259
17260
17261
17262
17263
17264
17265
17266
17267
17268
17269
17270
17271
17272
17273
17274
17275
17276
17277
17278
17279
17280
17281
17282
17283
17284
17285
17286
17287
17288
17289
17290
17291
17292
17293
17294
17295
17296
17297
17298
17299
17300
17301
17302
17303
17304
17305
17306
17307
17308
17309
17310
17311
17312
17313
17314
17315
17316
17317
17318
17319
17320
17321
17322
17323
17324
17325
17326
17327
17328
17329
17330
17331
17332
17333
17334
17335
17336
17337
17338
17339
17340
17341
17342
17343
17344
17345
17346
17347
17348
17349
17350
17351
17352
17353
17354
17355
17356
17357
17358
17359
17360
17361
17362
17363
17364
17365
17366
17367
17368
17369
17370
17371
17372
17373
17374
17375
17376
17377
17378
17379
17380
17381
17382
17383
17384
17385
17386
17387
17388
17389
17390
17391
17392
17393
17394
17395
17396
17397
17398
17399
17400
17401
17402
17403
17404
17405
17406
17407
17408
17409
17410
17411
17412
17413
17414
17415
17416
17417
17418
17419
17420
17421
17422
17423
17424
17425
17426
17427
17428
17429
17430
17431
17432
17433
17434
17435
17436
17437
17438
17439
17440
17441
17442
17443
17444
17445
17446
17447
17448
17449
17450
17451
17452
17453
17454
17455
17456
17457
17458
17459
17460
17461
17462
17463
17464
17465
17466
17467
17468
17469
17470
17471
17472
17473
17474
17475
17476
17477
17478
17479
17480
17481
17482
17483
17484
17485
17486
17487
17488
17489
17490
17491
17492
17493
17494
17495
17496
17497
17498
17499
17500
17501
17502
17503
17504
17505
17506
17507
17508
17509
17510
17511
17512
17513
17514
17515
17516
17517
17518
17519
17520
17521
17522
17523
17524
17525
17526
17527
17528
17529
17530
17531
17532
17533
17534
17535
17536
17537
17538
17539
17540
17541
17542
17543
17544
17545
17546
17547
17548
17549
17550
17551
17552
17553
17554
17555
17556
17557
17558
17559
17560
17561
17562
17563
17564
17565
17566
17567
17568
17569
17570
17571
17572
17573
17574
17575
17576
17577
17578
17579
17580
17581
17582
17583
17584
17585
17586
17587
17588
17589
17590
17591
17592
17593
17594
17595
17596
17597
17598
17599
17600
17601
17602
17603
17604
17605
17606
17607
17608
17609
17610
17611
17612
17613
17614
17615
17616
17617
17618
17619
17620
17621
17622
17623
17624
17625
17626
17627
17628
17629
17630
17631
17632
17633
17634
17635
17636
17637
17638
17639
17640
17641
17642
17643
17644
17645
17646
17647
17648
17649
17650
17651
17652
17653
17654
17655
17656
17657
17658
17659
17660
17661
17662
17663
17664
17665
17666
17667
17668
17669
17670
17671
17672
17673
17674
17675
17676
17677
17678
17679
17680
17681
17682
17683
17684
17685
17686
17687
17688
17689
17690
17691
17692
17693
17694
17695
17696
17697
17698
17699
17700
17701
17702
17703
17704
17705
17706
17707
17708
17709
17710
17711
17712
17713
17714
17715
17716
17717
17718
17719
17720
17721
17722
17723
17724
17725
17726
17727
17728
17729
17730
17731
17732
17733
17734
17735
17736
17737
17738
17739
17740
17741
17742
17743
17744
17745
17746
17747
17748
17749
17750
17751
17752
17753
17754
17755
17756
17757
17758
17759
17760
17761
17762
17763
17764
17765
17766
17767
17768
17769
17770
17771
17772
17773
17774
17775
17776
17777
17778
17779
17780
17781
17782
17783
17784
17785
17786
17787
17788
17789
17790
17791
17792
17793
17794
17795
17796
17797
17798
17799
17800
17801
17802
17803
17804
17805
17806
17807
17808
17809
17810
17811
17812
17813
17814
17815
17816
17817
17818
17819
17820
17821
17822
17823
17824
17825
17826
17827
17828
17829
17830
17831
17832
17833
17834
17835
17836
17837
17838
17839
17840
17841
17842
17843
17844
17845
17846
17847
17848
17849
17850
17851
17852
17853
17854
17855
17856
17857
17858
17859
17860
17861
17862
17863
17864
17865
17866
17867
17868
17869
17870
17871
17872
17873
17874
17875
17876
17877
17878
17879
17880
17881
17882
17883
17884
17885
17886
17887
17888
17889
17890
17891
17892
17893
17894
17895
17896
17897
17898
17899
17900
17901
17902
17903
17904
17905
17906
17907
17908
17909
17910
17911
17912
17913
17914
17915
17916
17917
17918
17919
17920
17921
17922
17923
17924
17925
17926
17927
17928
17929
17930
17931
17932
17933
17934
17935
17936
17937
17938
17939
17940
17941
17942
17943
17944
17945
17946
17947
17948
17949
17950
17951
17952
17953
17954
17955
17956
17957
17958
17959
17960
17961
17962
17963
17964
17965
17966
17967
17968
17969
17970
17971
17972
17973
17974
17975
17976
17977
17978
17979
17980
17981
17982
17983
17984
17985
17986
17987
17988
17989
17990
17991
17992
17993
17994
17995
17996
17997
17998
17999
18000
18001
18002
18003
18004
18005
18006
18007
18008
18009
18010
18011
18012
18013
18014
18015
18016
18017
18018
18019
18020
18021
18022
18023
18024
18025
18026
18027
18028
18029
18030
18031
18032
18033
18034
18035
18036
18037
18038
18039
18040
18041
18042
18043
18044
18045
18046
18047
18048
18049
18050
18051
18052
18053
18054
18055
18056
18057
18058
18059
18060
18061
18062
18063
18064
18065
18066
18067
18068
18069
18070
18071
18072
18073
18074
18075
18076
18077
18078
18079
18080
18081
18082
18083
18084
18085
18086
18087
18088
18089
18090
18091
18092
18093
18094
18095
18096
18097
18098
18099
18100
18101
18102
18103
18104
18105
18106
18107
18108
18109
18110
18111
18112
18113
18114
18115
18116
18117
18118
18119
18120
18121
18122
18123
18124
18125
18126
18127
18128
18129
18130
18131
18132
18133
18134
18135
18136
18137
18138
18139
18140
18141
18142
18143
18144
18145
18146
18147
18148
18149
18150
18151
18152
18153
18154
18155
18156
18157
18158
18159
18160
18161
18162
18163
18164
18165
18166
18167
18168
18169
18170
18171
18172
18173
18174
18175
18176
18177
18178
18179
18180
18181
18182
18183
18184
18185
18186
18187
18188
18189
18190
18191
18192
18193
18194
18195
18196
18197
18198
18199
18200
18201
18202
18203
18204
18205
18206
18207
18208
18209
18210
18211
18212
18213
18214
18215
18216
18217
18218
18219
18220
18221
18222
18223
18224
18225
18226
18227
18228
18229
18230
18231
18232
18233
18234
18235
18236
18237
18238
18239
18240
18241
18242
18243
18244
18245
18246
18247
18248
18249
18250
18251
18252
18253
18254
18255
18256
18257
18258
18259
18260
18261
18262
18263
18264
18265
18266
18267
18268
18269
18270
18271
18272
18273
18274
18275
18276
18277
18278
18279
18280
18281
18282
18283
18284
18285
18286
18287
18288
18289
18290
18291
18292
18293
18294
18295
18296
18297
18298
18299
18300
18301
18302
18303
18304
18305
18306
18307
18308
18309
18310
18311
18312
18313
18314
18315
18316
18317
18318
18319
18320
18321
18322
18323
18324
18325
18326
18327
18328
18329
18330
18331
18332
18333
18334
18335
18336
18337
18338
18339
18340
18341
18342
18343
18344
18345
18346
18347
18348
18349
18350
18351
18352
18353
18354
18355
18356
18357
18358
18359
18360
18361
18362
18363
18364
18365
18366
18367
18368
18369
18370
18371
18372
18373
18374
18375
18376
18377
18378
18379
18380
18381
18382
18383
18384
18385
18386
18387
18388
18389
18390
18391
18392
18393
18394
18395
18396
18397
18398
18399
18400
18401
18402
18403
18404
18405
18406
18407
18408
18409
18410
18411
18412
18413
18414
18415
18416
18417
18418
18419
18420
18421
18422
18423
18424
18425
18426
18427
18428
18429
18430
18431
18432
18433
18434
18435
18436
18437
18438
18439
18440
18441
18442
18443
18444
18445
18446
18447
18448
18449
18450
18451
18452
18453
18454
18455
18456
18457
18458
18459
18460
18461
18462
18463
18464
18465
18466
18467
18468
18469
18470
18471
18472
18473
18474
18475
18476
18477
18478
18479
18480
18481
18482
18483
18484
18485
18486
18487
18488
18489
18490
18491
18492
18493
18494
18495
18496
18497
18498
18499
18500
18501
18502
18503
18504
18505
18506
18507
18508
18509
18510
18511
18512
18513
18514
18515
18516
18517
18518
18519
18520
18521
18522
18523
18524
18525
18526
18527
18528
18529
18530
18531
18532
18533
18534
18535
18536
18537
18538
18539
18540
18541
18542
18543
18544
18545
18546
18547
18548
18549
18550
18551
18552
18553
18554
18555
18556
18557
18558
18559
18560
18561
18562
18563
18564
18565
18566
18567
18568
18569
18570
18571
18572
18573
18574
18575
18576
18577
18578
18579
18580
18581
18582
18583
18584
18585
18586
18587
18588
18589
18590
18591
18592
18593
18594
18595
18596
18597
18598
18599
18600
18601
18602
18603
18604
18605
18606
18607
18608
18609
18610
18611
18612
18613
18614
18615
18616
18617
18618
18619
18620
18621
18622
18623
18624
18625
18626
18627
18628
18629
18630
18631
18632
18633
18634
18635
18636
18637
18638
18639
18640
18641
18642
18643
18644
18645
18646
18647
18648
18649
18650
18651
18652
18653
18654
18655
18656
18657
18658
18659
18660
18661
18662
18663
18664
18665
18666
18667
18668
18669
18670
18671
18672
18673
18674
18675
18676
18677
18678
18679
18680
18681
18682
18683
18684
18685
18686
18687
18688
18689
18690
18691
18692
18693
18694
18695
18696
18697
18698
18699
18700
18701
18702
18703
18704
18705
18706
18707
18708
18709
18710
18711
18712
18713
18714
18715
18716
18717
18718
18719
18720
18721
18722
18723
18724
18725
18726
18727
18728
18729
18730
18731
18732
18733
18734
18735
18736
18737
18738
18739
18740
18741
18742
18743
18744
18745
18746
18747
18748
18749
18750
18751
18752
18753
18754
18755
18756
18757
18758
18759
18760
18761
18762
18763
18764
18765
18766
18767
18768
18769
18770
18771
18772
18773
18774
18775
18776
18777
18778
18779
18780
18781
18782
18783
18784
18785
18786
18787
18788
18789
18790
18791
18792
18793
18794
18795
18796
18797
18798
18799
18800
18801
18802
18803
18804
18805
18806
18807
18808
18809
18810
18811
18812
18813
18814
18815
18816
18817
18818
18819
18820
18821
18822
18823
18824
18825
18826
18827
18828
18829
18830
18831
18832
18833
18834
18835
18836
18837
18838
18839
18840
18841
18842
18843
18844
18845
18846
18847
18848
18849
18850
18851
18852
18853
18854
18855
18856
18857
18858
18859
18860
18861
18862
18863
18864
18865
18866
18867
18868
18869
18870
18871
18872
18873
18874
18875
18876
18877
18878
18879
18880
18881
18882
18883
18884
18885
18886
18887
18888
18889
18890
18891
18892
18893
18894
18895
18896
18897
18898
18899
18900
18901
18902
18903
18904
18905
18906
18907
18908
18909
18910
18911
18912
18913
18914
18915
18916
18917
18918
18919
18920
18921
18922
18923
18924
18925
18926
18927
18928
18929
18930
18931
18932
18933
18934
18935
18936
18937
18938
18939
18940
18941
18942
18943
18944
18945
18946
18947
18948
18949
18950
18951
18952
18953
18954
18955
18956
18957
18958
18959
18960
18961
18962
18963
18964
18965
18966
18967
18968
18969
18970
18971
18972
18973
18974
18975
18976
18977
18978
18979
18980
18981
18982
18983
18984
18985
18986
18987
18988
18989
18990
18991
18992
18993
18994
18995
18996
18997
18998
18999
19000
19001
19002
19003
19004
19005
19006
19007
19008
19009
19010
19011
19012
19013
19014
19015
19016
19017
19018
19019
19020
19021
19022
19023
19024
19025
19026
19027
19028
19029
19030
19031
19032
19033
19034
19035
19036
19037
19038
19039
19040
19041
19042
19043
19044
19045
19046
19047
19048
19049
19050
19051
19052
19053
19054
19055
19056
19057
19058
19059
19060
19061
19062
19063
19064
19065
19066
19067
19068
19069
19070
19071
19072
19073
19074
19075
19076
19077
19078
19079
19080
19081
19082
19083
19084
19085
19086
19087
19088
19089
19090
19091
19092
19093
19094
19095
19096
19097
19098
19099
19100
19101
19102
19103
19104
19105
19106
19107
19108
19109
19110
19111
19112
19113
19114
19115
19116
19117
19118
19119
19120
19121
19122
19123
19124
19125
19126
19127
19128
19129
19130
19131
19132
19133
19134
19135
19136
19137
19138
19139
19140
19141
19142
19143
19144
19145
19146
19147
19148
19149
19150
19151
19152
19153
19154
19155
19156
19157
19158
19159
19160
19161
19162
19163
19164
19165
19166
19167
19168
19169
19170
19171
19172
19173
19174
19175
19176
19177
19178
19179
19180
19181
19182
19183
19184
19185
19186
19187
19188
19189
19190
19191
19192
19193
19194
19195
19196
19197
19198
19199
19200
19201
19202
19203
19204
19205
19206
19207
19208
19209
19210
19211
19212
19213
19214
19215
19216
19217
19218
19219
19220
19221
19222
19223
19224
19225
19226
19227
19228
19229
19230
19231
19232
19233
19234
19235
19236
19237
19238
19239
19240
19241
19242
19243
19244
19245
19246
19247
19248
19249
19250
19251
19252
19253
19254
19255
19256
19257
19258
19259
19260
19261
19262
19263
19264
19265
19266
19267
19268
19269
19270
19271
19272
19273
19274
19275
19276
19277
19278
19279
19280
19281
19282
19283
19284
19285
19286
19287
19288
19289
19290
19291
19292
19293
19294
19295
19296
19297
19298
19299
19300
19301
19302
19303
19304
19305
19306
19307
19308
19309
19310
19311
19312
19313
19314
19315
19316
19317
19318
19319
19320
19321
19322
19323
19324
19325
19326
19327
19328
19329
19330
19331
19332
19333
19334
19335
19336
19337
19338
19339
19340
19341
19342
19343
19344
19345
19346
19347
19348
19349
19350
19351
19352
19353
19354
19355
19356
19357
19358
19359
19360
19361
19362
19363
19364
19365
19366
19367
19368
19369
19370
19371
19372
19373
19374
19375
19376
19377
19378
19379
19380
19381
19382
19383
19384
19385
19386
19387
19388
19389
19390
19391
19392
19393
19394
19395
19396
19397
19398
19399
19400
19401
19402
19403
19404
19405
19406
19407
19408
19409
19410
19411
19412
19413
19414
19415
19416
19417
19418
19419
19420
19421
19422
19423
19424
19425
19426
19427
19428
19429
19430
19431
19432
19433
19434
19435
19436
19437
19438
19439
19440
19441
19442
19443
19444
19445
19446
19447
19448
19449
19450
19451
19452
19453
19454
19455
19456
19457
19458
19459
19460
19461
19462
19463
19464
19465
19466
19467
19468
19469
19470
19471
19472
19473
19474
19475
19476
19477
19478
19479
19480
19481
19482
19483
19484
19485
19486
19487
19488
19489
19490
19491
19492
19493
19494
19495
19496
19497
19498
19499
19500
19501
19502
19503
19504
19505
19506
19507
19508
19509
19510
19511
19512
19513
19514
19515
19516
19517
19518
19519
19520
19521
19522
19523
19524
19525
19526
19527
19528
19529
19530
19531
19532
19533
19534
19535
19536
19537
19538
19539
19540
19541
19542
19543
19544
19545
19546
19547
19548
19549
19550
19551
19552
19553
19554
19555
19556
19557
19558
19559
19560
19561
19562
19563
19564
19565
19566
19567
19568
19569
19570
19571
19572
19573
19574
19575
19576
19577
19578
19579
19580
19581
19582
19583
19584
19585
19586
19587
19588
19589
19590
19591
19592
19593
19594
19595
19596
19597
19598
19599
19600
19601
19602
19603
19604
19605
19606
19607
19608
19609
19610
19611
19612
19613
19614
19615
19616
19617
19618
19619
19620
19621
19622
19623
19624
19625
19626
19627
19628
19629
19630
19631
19632
19633
19634
19635
19636
19637
19638
19639
19640
19641
19642
19643
19644
19645
19646
19647
19648
19649
19650
19651
19652
19653
19654
19655
19656
19657
19658
19659
19660
19661
19662
19663
19664
19665
19666
19667
19668
19669
19670
19671
19672
19673
19674
19675
19676
19677
19678
19679
19680
19681
19682
19683
19684
19685
19686
19687
19688
19689
19690
19691
19692
19693
19694
19695
19696
19697
19698
19699
19700
19701
19702
19703
19704
19705
19706
19707
19708
19709
19710
19711
19712
19713
19714
19715
19716
19717
19718
19719
19720
19721
19722
19723
19724
19725
19726
19727
19728
19729
19730
19731
19732
19733
19734
19735
19736
19737
19738
19739
19740
19741
19742
19743
19744
19745
19746
19747
19748
19749
19750
19751
19752
19753
19754
19755
19756
19757
19758
19759
19760
19761
19762
19763
19764
19765
19766
19767
19768
19769
19770
19771
19772
19773
19774
19775
19776
19777
19778
19779
19780
19781
19782
19783
19784
19785
19786
19787
19788
19789
19790
19791
19792
19793
19794
19795
19796
19797
19798
19799
19800
19801
19802
19803
19804
19805
19806
19807
19808
19809
19810
19811
19812
19813
19814
19815
19816
19817
19818
19819
19820
19821
19822
19823
19824
19825
19826
19827
19828
19829
19830
19831
19832
19833
19834
19835
19836
19837
19838
19839
19840
19841
19842
19843
19844
19845
19846
19847
19848
19849
19850
19851
19852
19853
19854
19855
19856
19857
19858
19859
19860
19861
19862
19863
19864
19865
19866
19867
19868
19869
19870
19871
19872
19873
19874
19875
19876
19877
19878
19879
19880
19881
19882
19883
19884
19885
19886
19887
19888
19889
19890
19891
19892
19893
19894
19895
19896
19897
19898
19899
19900
19901
19902
19903
19904
19905
19906
19907
19908
19909
19910
19911
19912
19913
19914
19915
19916
19917
19918
19919
19920
19921
19922
19923
19924
19925
19926
19927
19928
19929
19930
19931
19932
19933
19934
19935
19936
19937
19938
19939
19940
19941
19942
19943
19944
19945
19946
19947
19948
19949
19950
19951
19952
19953
19954
19955
19956
19957
19958
19959
19960
19961
19962
19963
19964
19965
19966
19967
19968
19969
19970
19971
19972
19973
19974
19975
19976
19977
19978
19979
19980
19981
19982
19983
19984
19985
19986
19987
19988
19989
19990
19991
19992
19993
19994
19995
19996
19997
19998
19999
20000
20001
20002
20003
20004
20005
20006
20007
20008
20009
20010
20011
20012
20013
20014
20015
20016
20017
20018
20019
20020
20021
20022
20023
20024
20025
20026
20027
20028
20029
20030
20031
20032
20033
20034
20035
20036
20037
20038
20039
20040
20041
20042
20043
20044
20045
20046
20047
20048
20049
20050
20051
20052
20053
20054
20055
20056
20057
20058
20059
20060
20061
20062
20063
20064
20065
20066
20067
20068
20069
20070
20071
20072
20073
20074
20075
20076
20077
20078
20079
20080
20081
20082
20083
20084
20085
20086
20087
20088
20089
20090
20091
20092
20093
20094
20095
20096
20097
20098
20099
20100
20101
20102
20103
20104
20105
20106
20107
20108
20109
20110
20111
20112
20113
20114
20115
20116
20117
20118
20119
20120
20121
20122
20123
20124
20125
20126
20127
20128
20129
20130
20131
20132
20133
20134
20135
20136
20137
20138
20139
20140
20141
20142
20143
20144
20145
20146
20147
20148
20149
20150
20151
20152
20153
20154
20155
20156
20157
20158
20159
20160
20161
20162
20163
20164
20165
20166
20167
20168
20169
20170
20171
20172
20173
20174
20175
20176
20177
20178
20179
20180
20181
20182
20183
20184
20185
20186
20187
20188
20189
20190
20191
20192
20193
20194
20195
20196
20197
20198
20199
20200
20201
20202
20203
20204
20205
20206
20207
20208
20209
20210
20211
20212
20213
20214
20215
20216
20217
20218
20219
20220
20221
20222
20223
20224
20225
20226
20227
20228
20229
20230
20231
20232
20233
20234
20235
20236
20237
20238
20239
20240
20241
20242
20243
20244
20245
20246
20247
20248
20249
20250
20251
20252
20253
20254
20255
20256
20257
20258
20259
20260
20261
20262
20263
20264
20265
20266
20267
20268
20269
20270
20271
20272
20273
20274
20275
20276
20277
20278
20279
20280
20281
20282
20283
20284
20285
20286
20287
20288
20289
20290
20291
20292
20293
20294
20295
20296
20297
20298
20299
20300
20301
20302
20303
20304
20305
20306
20307
20308
20309
20310
20311
20312
20313
20314
20315
20316
20317
20318
20319
20320
20321
20322
20323
20324
20325
20326
20327
20328
20329
20330
20331
20332
20333
20334
20335
20336
20337
20338
20339
20340
20341
20342
20343
20344
20345
20346
20347
20348
20349
20350
20351
20352
20353
20354
20355
20356
20357
20358
20359
20360
20361
20362
20363
20364
20365
20366
20367
20368
20369
20370
20371
20372
20373
20374
20375
20376
20377
20378
20379
20380
20381
20382
20383
20384
20385
20386
20387
20388
20389
20390
20391
20392
20393
20394
20395
20396
20397
20398
20399
20400
20401
20402
20403
20404
20405
20406
20407
20408
20409
20410
20411
20412
20413
20414
20415
20416
20417
20418
20419
20420
20421
20422
20423
20424
20425
20426
20427
20428
20429
20430
20431
20432
20433
20434
20435
20436
20437
20438
20439
20440
20441
20442
20443
20444
20445
20446
20447
20448
20449
20450
20451
20452
20453
20454
20455
20456
20457
20458
20459
20460
20461
20462
20463
20464
20465
20466
20467
20468
20469
20470
20471
20472
20473
20474
20475
20476
20477
20478
20479
20480
20481
20482
20483
20484
20485
20486
20487
20488
20489
20490
20491
20492
20493
20494
20495
20496
20497
20498
20499
20500
20501
20502
20503
20504
20505
20506
20507
20508
20509
20510
20511
20512
20513
20514
20515
20516
20517
20518
20519
20520
20521
20522
20523
20524
20525
20526
20527
20528
20529
20530
20531
20532
20533
20534
20535
20536
20537
20538
20539
20540
20541
20542
20543
20544
20545
20546
20547
20548
20549
20550
20551
20552
20553
20554
20555
20556
20557
20558
20559
20560
20561
20562
20563
20564
20565
20566
20567
20568
20569
20570
20571
20572
20573
20574
20575
20576
20577
20578
20579
20580
20581
20582
20583
20584
20585
20586
20587
20588
20589
20590
20591
20592
20593
20594
20595
20596
20597
20598
20599
20600
20601
20602
20603
20604
20605
20606
20607
20608
20609
20610
20611
20612
20613
20614
20615
20616
20617
20618
20619
20620
20621
20622
20623
20624
20625
20626
20627
20628
20629
20630
20631
20632
20633
20634
20635
20636
20637
20638
20639
20640
20641
20642
20643
20644
20645
20646
20647
20648
20649
20650
20651
20652
20653
20654
20655
20656
20657
20658
20659
20660
20661
20662
20663
20664
20665
20666
20667
20668
20669
20670
20671
20672
20673
20674
20675
20676
20677
20678
20679
20680
20681
20682
20683
20684
20685
20686
20687
20688
20689
20690
20691
20692
20693
20694
20695
20696
20697
20698
20699
20700
20701
20702
20703
20704
20705
20706
20707
20708
20709
20710
20711
20712
20713
20714
20715
20716
20717
20718
20719
20720
20721
20722
20723
20724
20725
20726
20727
20728
20729
20730
20731
20732
20733
20734
20735
20736
20737
20738
20739
20740
20741
20742
20743
20744
20745
20746
20747
20748
20749
20750
20751
20752
20753
20754
20755
20756
20757
20758
20759
20760
20761
20762
20763
20764
20765
20766
20767
20768
20769
20770
20771
20772
20773
20774
20775
20776
20777
20778
20779
20780
20781
20782
20783
20784
20785
20786
20787
20788
20789
20790
20791
20792
20793
20794
20795
20796
20797
20798
20799
20800
20801
20802
20803
20804
20805
20806
20807
20808
20809
20810
20811
20812
20813
20814
20815
20816
20817
20818
20819
20820
20821
20822
20823
20824
20825
20826
20827
20828
20829
20830
20831
20832
20833
20834
20835
20836
20837
20838
20839
20840
20841
20842
20843
20844
20845
20846
20847
20848
20849
20850
20851
20852
20853
20854
20855
20856
20857
20858
20859
20860
20861
20862
20863
20864
20865
20866
20867
20868
20869
20870
20871
20872
20873
20874
20875
20876
20877
20878
20879
20880
20881
20882
20883
20884
20885
20886
20887
20888
20889
20890
20891
20892
20893
20894
20895
20896
20897
20898
20899
20900
20901
20902
20903
20904
20905
20906
20907
20908
20909
20910
20911
20912
20913
20914
20915
20916
20917
20918
20919
20920
20921
20922
20923
20924
20925
20926
20927
20928
20929
20930
20931
20932
20933
20934
20935
20936
20937
20938
20939
20940
20941
20942
20943
20944
20945
20946
20947
20948
20949
20950
20951
20952
20953
20954
20955
20956
20957
20958
20959
20960
20961
20962
20963
20964
20965
20966
20967
20968
20969
20970
20971
20972
20973
20974
20975
20976
20977
20978
20979
20980
20981
20982
20983
20984
20985
20986
20987
20988
20989
20990
20991
20992
20993
20994
20995
20996
20997
20998
20999
21000
21001
21002
21003
21004
21005
21006
21007
21008
21009
21010
21011
21012
21013
21014
21015
21016
21017
21018
21019
21020
21021
21022
21023
21024
21025
21026
21027
21028
21029
21030
21031
21032
21033
21034
21035
21036
21037
21038
21039
21040
21041
21042
21043
21044
21045
21046
21047
21048
21049
21050
21051
21052
21053
21054
21055
21056
21057
21058
21059
21060
21061
21062
21063
21064
21065
21066
21067
21068
21069
21070
21071
21072
21073
21074
21075
21076
21077
21078
21079
21080
21081
21082
21083
21084
21085
21086
21087
21088
21089
21090
21091
21092
21093
21094
21095
21096
21097
21098
21099
21100
21101
21102
21103
21104
21105
21106
21107
21108
21109
21110
21111
21112
21113
21114
21115
21116
21117
21118
21119
21120
21121
21122
21123
21124
21125
21126
21127
21128
21129
21130
21131
21132
21133
21134
21135
21136
21137
21138
21139
21140
21141
21142
21143
21144
21145
21146
21147
21148
21149
21150
21151
21152
21153
21154
21155
21156
21157
21158
21159
21160
21161
21162
21163
21164
21165
21166
21167
21168
21169
21170
21171
21172
21173
21174
21175
21176
21177
21178
21179
21180
21181
21182
21183
21184
21185
21186
21187
21188
21189
21190
21191
21192
21193
21194
21195
21196
21197
21198
21199
21200
21201
21202
21203
21204
21205
21206
21207
21208
21209
21210
21211
21212
21213
21214
21215
21216
21217
21218
21219
21220
21221
21222
21223
21224
21225
21226
21227
21228
21229
21230
21231
21232
21233
21234
21235
21236
21237
21238
21239
21240
21241
21242
21243
21244
21245
21246
21247
21248
21249
21250
21251
21252
21253
21254
21255
21256
21257
21258
21259
21260
21261
21262
21263
21264
21265
21266
21267
21268
21269
21270
21271
21272
21273
21274
21275
21276
21277
21278
21279
21280
21281
21282
21283
21284
21285
21286
21287
21288
21289
21290
21291
21292
21293
21294
21295
21296
21297
21298
21299
21300
21301
21302
21303
21304
21305
21306
21307
21308
21309
21310
21311
21312
21313
21314
21315
21316
21317
21318
21319
21320
21321
21322
21323
21324
21325
21326
21327
21328
21329
21330
21331
21332
21333
21334
21335
21336
21337
21338
21339
21340
21341
21342
21343
21344
21345
21346
21347
21348
21349
21350
21351
21352
21353
21354
21355
21356
21357
21358
21359
21360
21361
21362
21363
21364
21365
21366
21367
21368
21369
21370
21371
21372
21373
21374
21375
21376
21377
21378
21379
21380
21381
21382
21383
21384
21385
21386
21387
21388
21389
21390
21391
21392
21393
21394
21395
21396
21397
21398
21399
21400
21401
21402
21403
21404
21405
21406
21407
21408
21409
21410
21411
21412
21413
21414
21415
21416
21417
21418
21419
21420
21421
21422
21423
21424
21425
21426
21427
21428
21429
21430
21431
21432
21433
21434
21435
21436
21437
21438
21439
21440
21441
21442
21443
21444
21445
21446
21447
21448
21449
21450
21451
21452
21453
21454
21455
21456
21457
21458
21459
21460
21461
21462
21463
21464
21465
21466
21467
21468
21469
21470
21471
21472
21473
21474
21475
21476
21477
21478
21479
21480
21481
21482
21483
21484
21485
21486
21487
21488
21489
21490
21491
21492
21493
21494
21495
21496
21497
21498
21499
21500
21501
21502
21503
21504
21505
21506
21507
21508
21509
21510
21511
21512
21513
21514
21515
21516
21517
21518
21519
21520
21521
21522
21523
21524
21525
21526
21527
21528
21529
21530
21531
21532
21533
21534
21535
21536
21537
21538
21539
21540
21541
21542
21543
21544
21545
21546
21547
21548
21549
21550
21551
21552
21553
21554
21555
21556
21557
21558
21559
21560
21561
21562
21563
21564
21565
21566
21567
21568
21569
21570
21571
21572
21573
21574
21575
21576
21577
21578
21579
21580
21581
21582
21583
21584
21585
21586
21587
21588
21589
21590
21591
21592
21593
21594
21595
21596
21597
21598
21599
21600
21601
21602
21603
21604
21605
21606
21607
21608
21609
21610
21611
21612
21613
21614
21615
21616
21617
21618
21619
21620
21621
21622
21623
21624
21625
21626
21627
21628
21629
21630
21631
21632
21633
21634
21635
21636
21637
21638
21639
21640
21641
21642
21643
21644
21645
21646
21647
21648
21649
21650
21651
21652
21653
21654
21655
21656
21657
21658
21659
21660
21661
21662
21663
21664
21665
21666
21667
21668
21669
21670
21671
21672
21673
21674
21675
21676
21677
21678
21679
21680
21681
21682
21683
21684
21685
21686
21687
21688
21689
21690
21691
21692
21693
21694
21695
21696
21697
21698
21699
21700
21701
21702
21703
21704
21705
21706
21707
21708
21709
21710
21711
21712
21713
21714
21715
21716
21717
21718
21719
21720
21721
21722
21723
21724
21725
21726
21727
21728
21729
21730
21731
21732
21733
21734
21735
21736
21737
21738
21739
21740
21741
21742
21743
21744
21745
21746
21747
21748
21749
21750
21751
21752
21753
21754
21755
21756
21757
21758
21759
21760
21761
21762
21763
21764
21765
21766
21767
21768
21769
21770
21771
21772
21773
21774
21775
21776
21777
21778
21779
21780
21781
21782
21783
21784
21785
21786
21787
21788
21789
21790
21791
21792
21793
21794
21795
21796
21797
21798
21799
21800
21801
21802
21803
21804
21805
21806
21807
21808
21809
21810
21811
21812
21813
21814
21815
21816
21817
21818
21819
21820
21821
21822
21823
21824
21825
21826
21827
21828
21829
21830
21831
21832
21833
21834
21835
21836
21837
21838
21839
21840
21841
21842
21843
21844
21845
21846
21847
21848
21849
21850
21851
21852
21853
21854
21855
21856
21857
21858
21859
21860
21861
21862
21863
21864
21865
21866
21867
21868
21869
21870
21871
21872
21873
21874
21875
21876
21877
21878
21879
21880
21881
21882
21883
21884
21885
21886
21887
21888
21889
21890
21891
21892
21893
21894
21895
21896
21897
21898
21899
21900
21901
21902
21903
21904
21905
21906
21907
21908
21909
21910
21911
21912
21913
21914
21915
21916
21917
21918
21919
21920
21921
21922
21923
21924
21925
21926
21927
21928
21929
21930
21931
21932
21933
21934
21935
21936
21937
21938
21939
21940
21941
21942
21943
21944
21945
21946
21947
21948
21949
21950
21951
21952
21953
21954
21955
21956
21957
21958
21959
21960
21961
21962
21963
21964
21965
21966
21967
21968
21969
21970
21971
21972
21973
21974
21975
21976
21977
21978
21979
21980
21981
21982
21983
21984
21985
21986
21987
21988
21989
21990
21991
21992
21993
21994
21995
21996
21997
21998
21999
22000
22001
22002
22003
22004
22005
22006
22007
22008
22009
22010
22011
22012
22013
22014
22015
22016
22017
22018
22019
22020
22021
22022
22023
22024
22025
22026
22027
22028
22029
22030
22031
22032
22033
22034
22035
22036
22037
22038
22039
22040
22041
22042
22043
22044
22045
22046
22047
22048
22049
22050
22051
22052
22053
22054
22055
22056
22057
22058
22059
22060
22061
22062
22063
22064
22065
22066
22067
22068
22069
22070
22071
22072
22073
22074
22075
22076
22077
22078
22079
22080
22081
22082
22083
22084
22085
22086
22087
22088
22089
22090
22091
22092
22093
22094
22095
22096
22097
22098
22099
22100
22101
22102
22103
22104
22105
22106
22107
22108
22109
22110
22111
22112
22113
22114
22115
22116
22117
22118
22119
22120
22121
22122
22123
22124
22125
22126
22127
22128
22129
22130
22131
22132
22133
22134
22135
22136
22137
22138
22139
22140
22141
22142
22143
22144
22145
22146
22147
22148
22149
22150
22151
22152
22153
22154
22155
22156
22157
22158
22159
22160
22161
22162
22163
22164
22165
22166
22167
22168
22169
22170
22171
22172
22173
22174
22175
22176
22177
22178
22179
22180
22181
22182
22183
22184
22185
22186
22187
22188
22189
22190
22191
22192
22193
22194
22195
22196
22197
22198
22199
22200
22201
22202
22203
22204
22205
22206
22207
22208
22209
22210
22211
22212
22213
22214
22215
22216
22217
22218
22219
22220
22221
22222
22223
22224
22225
22226
22227
22228
22229
22230
22231
22232
22233
22234
22235
22236
22237
22238
22239
22240
22241
22242
22243
22244
22245
22246
22247
22248
22249
22250
22251
22252
22253
22254
22255
22256
22257
22258
22259
22260
22261
22262
22263
22264
22265
22266
22267
22268
22269
22270
22271
22272
22273
22274
22275
22276
22277
22278
22279
22280
22281
22282
22283
22284
22285
22286
22287
22288
22289
22290
22291
22292
22293
22294
22295
22296
22297
22298
22299
22300
22301
22302
22303
22304
22305
22306
22307
22308
22309
22310
22311
22312
22313
22314
22315
22316
22317
22318
22319
22320
22321
22322
22323
22324
22325
22326
22327
22328
22329
22330
22331
22332
22333
22334
22335
22336
22337
22338
22339
22340
22341
22342
22343
22344
22345
22346
22347
22348
22349
22350
22351
22352
22353
22354
22355
22356
22357
22358
22359
22360
22361
22362
22363
22364
22365
22366
22367
22368
22369
22370
22371
22372
22373
22374
22375
22376
22377
22378
22379
22380
22381
22382
22383
22384
22385
22386
22387
22388
22389
22390
22391
22392
22393
22394
22395
22396
22397
22398
22399
22400
22401
22402
22403
22404
22405
22406
22407
22408
22409
22410
22411
22412
22413
22414
22415
22416
22417
22418
22419
22420
22421
22422
22423
22424
22425
22426
22427
22428
22429
22430
22431
22432
22433
22434
22435
22436
22437
22438
22439
22440
22441
22442
22443
22444
22445
22446
22447
22448
22449
22450
22451
22452
22453
22454
22455
22456
22457
22458
22459
22460
22461
22462
22463
22464
22465
22466
22467
22468
22469
22470
22471
22472
22473
22474
22475
22476
22477
22478
22479
22480
22481
22482
22483
22484
22485
22486
22487
22488
22489
22490
22491
22492
22493
22494
22495
22496
22497
22498
22499
22500
22501
22502
22503
22504
22505
22506
22507
22508
22509
22510
22511
22512
22513
22514
22515
22516
22517
22518
22519
22520
22521
22522
22523
22524
22525
22526
22527
22528
22529
22530
22531
22532
22533
22534
22535
22536
22537
22538
22539
22540
22541
22542
22543
22544
22545
22546
22547
22548
22549
22550
22551
22552
22553
22554
22555
22556
22557
22558
22559
22560
22561
22562
22563
22564
22565
22566
22567
22568
22569
22570
22571
22572
22573
22574
22575
22576
22577
22578
22579
22580
22581
22582
22583
22584
22585
22586
22587
22588
22589
22590
22591
22592
22593
22594
22595
22596
22597
22598
22599
22600
22601
22602
22603
22604
22605
22606
22607
22608
22609
22610
22611
22612
22613
22614
22615
22616
22617
22618
22619
22620
22621
22622
22623
22624
22625
22626
22627
22628
22629
22630
22631
22632
22633
22634
22635
22636
22637
22638
22639
22640
22641
22642
22643
22644
22645
22646
22647
22648
22649
22650
22651
22652
22653
22654
22655
22656
22657
22658
22659
22660
22661
22662
22663
22664
22665
22666
22667
22668
22669
22670
22671
22672
22673
22674
22675
22676
22677
22678
22679
22680
22681
22682
22683
22684
22685
22686
22687
22688
22689
22690
22691
22692
22693
22694
22695
22696
22697
22698
22699
22700
22701
22702
22703
22704
22705
22706
22707
22708
22709
22710
22711
22712
22713
22714
22715
22716
22717
22718
22719
22720
22721
22722
22723
22724
22725
22726
22727
22728
22729
22730
22731
22732
22733
22734
22735
22736
22737
22738
22739
22740
22741
22742
22743
22744
22745
22746
22747
22748
22749
22750
22751
22752
22753
22754
22755
22756
22757
22758
22759
22760
22761
22762
22763
22764
22765
22766
22767
22768
22769
22770
22771
22772
22773
22774
22775
22776
22777
22778
22779
22780
22781
22782
22783
22784
22785
22786
22787
22788
22789
22790
22791
22792
22793
22794
22795
22796
22797
22798
22799
22800
22801
22802
22803
22804
22805
22806
22807
22808
22809
22810
22811
22812
22813
22814
22815
22816
22817
22818
22819
22820
22821
22822
22823
22824
22825
22826
22827
22828
22829
22830
22831
22832
22833
22834
22835
22836
22837
22838
22839
22840
22841
22842
22843
22844
22845
22846
22847
22848
22849
22850
22851
22852
22853
22854
22855
22856
22857
22858
22859
22860
22861
22862
22863
22864
22865
22866
22867
22868
22869
22870
22871
22872
22873
22874
22875
22876
22877
22878
22879
22880
22881
22882
22883
22884
22885
22886
22887
22888
22889
22890
22891
22892
22893
22894
22895
22896
22897
22898
22899
22900
22901
22902
22903
22904
22905
22906
22907
22908
22909
22910
22911
22912
22913
22914
22915
22916
22917
22918
22919
22920
22921
22922
22923
22924
22925
22926
22927
22928
22929
22930
22931
22932
22933
22934
22935
22936
22937
22938
22939
22940
22941
22942
22943
22944
22945
22946
22947
22948
22949
22950
22951
22952
22953
22954
22955
22956
22957
22958
22959
22960
22961
22962
22963
22964
22965
22966
22967
22968
22969
22970
22971
22972
22973
22974
22975
22976
22977
22978
22979
22980
22981
22982
22983
22984
22985
22986
22987
22988
22989
22990
22991
22992
22993
22994
22995
22996
22997
22998
22999
23000
23001
23002
23003
23004
23005
23006
23007
23008
23009
23010
23011
23012
23013
23014
23015
23016
23017
23018
23019
23020
23021
23022
23023
23024
23025
23026
23027
23028
23029
23030
23031
23032
23033
23034
23035
23036
23037
23038
23039
23040
23041
23042
23043
23044
23045
23046
23047
23048
23049
23050
23051
23052
23053
23054
23055
23056
23057
23058
23059
23060
23061
23062
23063
23064
23065
23066
23067
23068
23069
23070
23071
23072
23073
23074
23075
23076
23077
23078
23079
23080
23081
23082
23083
23084
23085
23086
23087
23088
23089
23090
23091
23092
23093
23094
23095
23096
23097
23098
23099
23100
23101
23102
23103
23104
23105
23106
23107
23108
23109
23110
23111
23112
23113
23114
23115
23116
23117
23118
23119
23120
23121
23122
23123
23124
23125
23126
23127
23128
23129
23130
23131
23132
23133
23134
23135
23136
23137
23138
23139
23140
23141
23142
23143
23144
23145
23146
23147
23148
23149
23150
23151
23152
23153
23154
23155
23156
23157
23158
23159
23160
23161
23162
23163
23164
23165
23166
23167
23168
23169
23170
23171
23172
23173
23174
23175
23176
23177
23178
23179
23180
23181
23182
23183
23184
23185
23186
23187
23188
23189
23190
23191
23192
23193
23194
23195
23196
23197
23198
23199
23200
23201
23202
23203
23204
23205
23206
23207
23208
23209
23210
23211
23212
23213
23214
23215
23216
23217
23218
23219
23220
23221
23222
23223
23224
23225
23226
23227
23228
23229
23230
23231
23232
23233
23234
23235
23236
23237
23238
23239
23240
23241
23242
23243
23244
23245
23246
23247
23248
23249
23250
23251
23252
23253
23254
23255
23256
23257
23258
23259
23260
23261
23262
23263
23264
23265
23266
23267
23268
23269
23270
23271
23272
23273
23274
23275
23276
23277
23278
23279
23280
23281
23282
23283
23284
23285
23286
23287
23288
23289
23290
23291
23292
23293
23294
23295
23296
23297
23298
23299
23300
23301
23302
23303
23304
23305
23306
23307
23308
23309
23310
23311
23312
23313
23314
23315
23316
23317
23318
23319
23320
23321
23322
23323
23324
23325
23326
23327
23328
23329
23330
23331
23332
23333
23334
23335
23336
23337
23338
23339
23340
23341
23342
23343
23344
23345
23346
23347
23348
23349
23350
23351
23352
23353
23354
23355
23356
23357
23358
23359
23360
23361
23362
23363
23364
23365
23366
23367
23368
23369
23370
23371
23372
23373
23374
23375
23376
23377
23378
23379
23380
23381
23382
23383
23384
23385
23386
23387
23388
23389
23390
23391
23392
23393
23394
23395
23396
23397
23398
23399
23400
23401
23402
23403
23404
23405
23406
23407
23408
23409
23410
23411
23412
23413
23414
23415
23416
23417
23418
23419
23420
23421
23422
23423
23424
23425
23426
23427
23428
23429
23430
23431
23432
23433
23434
23435
23436
23437
23438
23439
23440
23441
23442
23443
23444
23445
23446
23447
23448
23449
23450
23451
23452
23453
23454
23455
23456
23457
23458
23459
23460
23461
23462
23463
23464
23465
23466
23467
23468
23469
23470
23471
23472
23473
23474
23475
23476
23477
23478
23479
23480
23481
23482
23483
23484
23485
23486
23487
23488
23489
23490
23491
23492
23493
23494
23495
23496
23497
23498
23499
23500
23501
23502
23503
23504
23505
23506
23507
23508
23509
23510
23511
23512
23513
23514
23515
23516
23517
23518
23519
23520
23521
23522
23523
23524
23525
23526
23527
23528
23529
23530
23531
23532
23533
23534
23535
23536
23537
23538
23539
23540
23541
23542
23543
23544
23545
23546
23547
23548
23549
23550
23551
23552
23553
23554
23555
23556
23557
23558
23559
23560
23561
23562
23563
23564
23565
23566
23567
23568
23569
23570
23571
23572
23573
23574
23575
23576
23577
23578
23579
23580
23581
23582
23583
23584
23585
23586
23587
23588
23589
23590
23591
23592
23593
23594
23595
23596
23597
23598
23599
23600
23601
23602
23603
23604
23605
23606
23607
23608
23609
23610
23611
23612
23613
23614
23615
23616
23617
23618
23619
23620
23621
23622
23623
23624
23625
23626
23627
23628
23629
23630
23631
23632
23633
23634
23635
23636
23637
23638
23639
23640
23641
23642
23643
23644
23645
23646
23647
23648
23649
23650
23651
23652
23653
23654
23655
23656
23657
23658
23659
23660
23661
23662
23663
23664
23665
23666
23667
23668
23669
23670
23671
23672
23673
23674
23675
23676
23677
23678
23679
23680
23681
23682
23683
23684
23685
23686
23687
23688
23689
23690
23691
23692
23693
23694
23695
23696
23697
23698
23699
23700
23701
23702
23703
23704
23705
23706
23707
23708
23709
23710
23711
23712
23713
23714
23715
23716
23717
23718
23719
23720
23721
23722
23723
23724
23725
23726
23727
23728
23729
23730
23731
23732
23733
23734
23735
23736
23737
23738
23739
23740
23741
23742
23743
23744
23745
23746
23747
23748
23749
23750
23751
23752
23753
23754
23755
23756
23757
23758
23759
23760
23761
23762
23763
23764
23765
23766
23767
23768
23769
23770
23771
23772
23773
23774
23775
23776
23777
23778
23779
23780
23781
23782
23783
23784
23785
23786
23787
23788
23789
23790
23791
23792
23793
23794
23795
23796
23797
23798
23799
23800
23801
23802
23803
23804
23805
23806
23807
23808
23809
23810
23811
23812
23813
23814
23815
23816
23817
23818
23819
23820
23821
23822
23823
23824
23825
23826
23827
23828
23829
23830
23831
23832
23833
23834
23835
23836
23837
23838
23839
23840
23841
23842
23843
23844
23845
23846
23847
23848
23849
23850
23851
23852
23853
23854
23855
23856
23857
23858
23859
23860
23861
23862
23863
23864
23865
23866
23867
23868
23869
23870
23871
23872
23873
23874
23875
23876
23877
23878
23879
23880
23881
23882
23883
23884
23885
23886
23887
23888
23889
23890
23891
23892
23893
23894
23895
23896
23897
23898
23899
23900
23901
23902
23903
23904
23905
23906
23907
23908
23909
23910
23911
23912
23913
23914
23915
23916
23917
23918
23919
23920
23921
23922
23923
23924
23925
23926
23927
23928
23929
23930
23931
23932
23933
23934
23935
23936
23937
23938
23939
23940
23941
23942
23943
23944
23945
23946
23947
23948
23949
23950
23951
23952
23953
23954
23955
23956
23957
23958
23959
23960
23961
23962
23963
23964
23965
23966
23967
23968
23969
23970
23971
23972
23973
23974
23975
23976
23977
23978
23979
23980
23981
23982
23983
23984
23985
23986
23987
23988
23989
23990
23991
23992
23993
23994
23995
23996
23997
23998
23999
24000
24001
24002
24003
24004
24005
24006
24007
24008
24009
24010
24011
24012
24013
24014
24015
24016
24017
24018
24019
24020
24021
24022
24023
24024
24025
24026
24027
24028
24029
24030
24031
24032
24033
24034
24035
24036
24037
24038
24039
24040
24041
24042
24043
24044
24045
24046
24047
24048
24049
24050
24051
24052
24053
24054
24055
24056
24057
24058
24059
24060
24061
24062
24063
24064
24065
24066
24067
24068
24069
24070
24071
24072
24073
24074
24075
24076
24077
24078
24079
24080
24081
24082
24083
24084
24085
24086
24087
24088
24089
24090
24091
24092
24093
24094
24095
24096
24097
24098
24099
24100
24101
24102
24103
24104
24105
24106
24107
24108
24109
24110
24111
24112
24113
24114
24115
24116
24117
24118
24119
24120
24121
24122
24123
24124
24125
24126
24127
24128
24129
24130
24131
24132
24133
24134
24135
24136
24137
24138
24139
24140
24141
24142
24143
24144
24145
24146
24147
24148
24149
24150
24151
24152
24153
24154
24155
24156
24157
24158
24159
24160
24161
24162
24163
24164
24165
24166
24167
24168
24169
24170
24171
24172
24173
24174
24175
24176
24177
24178
24179
24180
24181
24182
24183
24184
24185
24186
24187
24188
24189
24190
24191
24192
24193
24194
24195
24196
24197
24198
24199
24200
24201
24202
24203
24204
24205
24206
24207
24208
24209
24210
24211
24212
24213
24214
24215
24216
24217
24218
24219
24220
24221
24222
24223
24224
24225
24226
24227
24228
24229
24230
24231
24232
24233
24234
24235
24236
24237
24238
24239
24240
24241
24242
24243
24244
24245
24246
24247
24248
24249
24250
24251
24252
24253
24254
24255
24256
24257
24258
24259
24260
24261
24262
24263
24264
24265
24266
24267
24268
24269
24270
24271
24272
24273
24274
24275
24276
24277
24278
24279
24280
24281
24282
24283
24284
24285
24286
24287
24288
24289
24290
24291
24292
24293
24294
24295
24296
24297
24298
24299
24300
24301
24302
24303
24304
24305
24306
24307
24308
24309
24310
24311
24312
24313
24314
24315
24316
24317
24318
24319
24320
24321
24322
24323
24324
24325
24326
24327
24328
24329
24330
24331
24332
24333
24334
24335
24336
24337
24338
24339
24340
24341
24342
24343
24344
24345
24346
24347
24348
24349
24350
24351
24352
24353
24354
24355
24356
24357
24358
24359
24360
24361
24362
24363
24364
24365
24366
24367
24368
24369
24370
24371
24372
24373
24374
24375
24376
24377
24378
24379
24380
24381
24382
24383
24384
24385
24386
24387
24388
24389
24390
24391
24392
24393
24394
24395
24396
24397
24398
24399
24400
24401
24402
24403
24404
24405
24406
24407
24408
24409
24410
24411
24412
24413
24414
24415
24416
24417
24418
24419
24420
24421
24422
24423
24424
24425
24426
24427
24428
24429
24430
24431
24432
24433
24434
24435
24436
24437
24438
24439
24440
24441
24442
24443
24444
24445
24446
24447
24448
24449
24450
24451
24452
24453
24454
24455
24456
24457
24458
24459
24460
24461
24462
24463
24464
24465
24466
24467
24468
24469
24470
24471
24472
24473
24474
24475
24476
24477
24478
24479
24480
24481
24482
24483
24484
24485
24486
24487
24488
24489
24490
24491
24492
24493
24494
24495
24496
24497
24498
24499
24500
24501
24502
24503
24504
24505
24506
24507
24508
24509
24510
24511
24512
24513
24514
24515
24516
24517
24518
24519
24520
24521
24522
24523
24524
24525
24526
24527
24528
24529
24530
24531
24532
24533
24534
24535
24536
24537
24538
24539
24540
24541
24542
24543
24544
24545
24546
24547
24548
24549
24550
24551
24552
24553
24554
24555
24556
24557
24558
24559
24560
24561
24562
24563
24564
24565
24566
24567
24568
24569
24570
24571
24572
24573
24574
24575
24576
24577
24578
24579
24580
24581
24582
24583
24584
24585
24586
24587
24588
24589
24590
24591
24592
24593
24594
24595
24596
24597
24598
24599
24600
24601
24602
24603
24604
24605
24606
24607
24608
24609
24610
24611
24612
24613
24614
24615
24616
24617
24618
24619
24620
24621
24622
24623
24624
24625
24626
24627
24628
24629
24630
24631
24632
24633
24634
24635
24636
24637
24638
24639
24640
24641
24642
24643
24644
24645
24646
24647
24648
24649
24650
24651
24652
24653
24654
24655
24656
24657
24658
24659
24660
24661
24662
24663
24664
24665
24666
24667
24668
24669
24670
24671
24672
24673
24674
24675
24676
24677
24678
24679
24680
24681
24682
24683
24684
24685
24686
24687
24688
24689
24690
24691
24692
24693
24694
24695
24696
24697
24698
24699
24700
24701
24702
24703
24704
24705
24706
24707
24708
24709
24710
24711
24712
24713
24714
24715
24716
24717
24718
24719
24720
24721
24722
24723
24724
24725
24726
24727
24728
24729
24730
24731
24732
24733
24734
24735
24736
24737
24738
24739
24740
24741
24742
24743
24744
24745
24746
24747
24748
24749
24750
24751
24752
24753
24754
24755
24756
24757
24758
24759
24760
24761
24762
24763
24764
24765
24766
24767
24768
24769
24770
24771
24772
24773
24774
24775
24776
24777
24778
24779
24780
24781
24782
24783
24784
24785
24786
24787
24788
24789
24790
24791
24792
24793
24794
24795
24796
24797
24798
24799
24800
24801
24802
24803
24804
24805
24806
24807
24808
24809
24810
24811
24812
24813
24814
24815
24816
24817
24818
24819
24820
24821
24822
24823
24824
24825
24826
24827
24828
24829
24830
24831
24832
24833
24834
24835
24836
24837
24838
24839
24840
24841
24842
24843
24844
24845
24846
24847
24848
24849
24850
24851
24852
24853
24854
24855
24856
24857
24858
24859
24860
24861
24862
24863
24864
24865
24866
24867
24868
24869
24870
24871
24872
24873
24874
24875
24876
24877
24878
24879
24880
24881
24882
24883
24884
24885
24886
24887
24888
24889
24890
24891
24892
24893
24894
24895
24896
24897
24898
24899
24900
24901
24902
24903
24904
24905
24906
24907
24908
24909
24910
24911
24912
24913
24914
24915
24916
24917
24918
24919
24920
24921
24922
24923
24924
24925
24926
24927
24928
24929
24930
24931
24932
24933
24934
24935
24936
24937
24938
24939
24940
24941
24942
24943
24944
24945
24946
24947
24948
24949
24950
24951
24952
24953
24954
24955
24956
24957
24958
24959
24960
24961
24962
24963
24964
24965
24966
24967
24968
24969
24970
24971
24972
24973
24974
24975
24976
24977
24978
24979
24980
24981
24982
24983
24984
24985
24986
24987
24988
24989
24990
24991
24992
24993
24994
24995
24996
24997
24998
24999
25000
25001
25002
25003
25004
25005
25006
25007
25008
25009
25010
25011
25012
25013
25014
25015
25016
25017
25018
25019
25020
25021
25022
25023
25024
25025
25026
25027
25028
25029
25030
25031
25032
25033
25034
25035
25036
25037
25038
25039
25040
25041
25042
25043
25044
25045
25046
25047
25048
25049
25050
25051
25052
25053
25054
25055
25056
25057
25058
25059
25060
25061
25062
25063
25064
25065
25066
25067
25068
25069
25070
25071
25072
25073
25074
25075
25076
25077
25078
25079
25080
25081
25082
25083
25084
25085
25086
25087
25088
25089
25090
25091
25092
25093
25094
25095
25096
25097
25098
25099
25100
25101
25102
25103
25104
25105
25106
25107
25108
25109
25110
25111
25112
25113
25114
25115
25116
25117
25118
25119
25120
25121
25122
25123
25124
25125
25126
25127
25128
25129
25130
25131
25132
25133
25134
25135
25136
25137
25138
25139
25140
25141
25142
25143
25144
25145
25146
25147
25148
25149
25150
25151
25152
25153
25154
25155
25156
25157
25158
25159
25160
25161
25162
25163
25164
25165
25166
25167
25168
25169
25170
25171
25172
25173
25174
25175
25176
25177
25178
25179
25180
25181
25182
25183
25184
25185
25186
25187
25188
25189
25190
25191
25192
25193
25194
25195
25196
25197
25198
25199
25200
25201
25202
25203
25204
25205
25206
25207
25208
25209
25210
25211
25212
25213
25214
25215
25216
25217
25218
25219
25220
25221
25222
25223
25224
25225
25226
25227
25228
25229
25230
25231
25232
25233
25234
25235
25236
25237
25238
25239
25240
25241
25242
25243
25244
25245
25246
25247
25248
25249
25250
25251
25252
25253
25254
25255
25256
25257
25258
25259
25260
25261
25262
25263
25264
25265
25266
25267
25268
25269
25270
25271
25272
25273
25274
25275
25276
25277
25278
25279
25280
25281
25282
25283
25284
25285
25286
25287
25288
25289
25290
25291
25292
25293
25294
25295
25296
25297
25298
25299
25300
25301
25302
25303
25304
25305
25306
25307
25308
25309
25310
25311
25312
25313
25314
25315
25316
25317
25318
25319
25320
25321
25322
25323
25324
25325
25326
25327
25328
25329
25330
25331
25332
25333
25334
25335
25336
25337
25338
25339
25340
25341
25342
25343
25344
25345
25346
25347
25348
25349
25350
25351
25352
25353
25354
25355
25356
25357
25358
25359
25360
25361
25362
25363
25364
25365
25366
25367
25368
25369
25370
25371
25372
25373
25374
25375
25376
25377
25378
25379
25380
25381
25382
25383
25384
25385
25386
25387
25388
25389
25390
25391
25392
25393
25394
25395
25396
25397
25398
25399
25400
25401
25402
25403
25404
25405
25406
25407
25408
25409
25410
25411
25412
25413
25414
25415
25416
25417
25418
25419
25420
25421
25422
25423
25424
25425
25426
25427
25428
25429
25430
25431
25432
25433
25434
25435
25436
25437
25438
25439
25440
25441
25442
25443
25444
25445
25446
25447
25448
25449
25450
25451
25452
25453
25454
25455
25456
25457
25458
25459
25460
25461
25462
25463
25464
25465
25466
25467
25468
25469
25470
25471
25472
25473
25474
25475
25476
25477
25478
25479
25480
25481
25482
25483
25484
25485
25486
25487
25488
25489
25490
25491
25492
25493
25494
25495
25496
25497
25498
25499
25500
25501
25502
25503
25504
25505
25506
25507
25508
25509
25510
25511
25512
25513
25514
25515
25516
25517
25518
25519
25520
25521
25522
25523
25524
25525
25526
25527
25528
25529
25530
25531
25532
25533
25534
25535
25536
25537
25538
25539
25540
25541
25542
25543
25544
25545
25546
25547
25548
25549
25550
25551
25552
25553
25554
25555
25556
25557
25558
25559
25560
25561
25562
25563
25564
25565
25566
25567
25568
25569
25570
25571
25572
25573
25574
25575
25576
25577
25578
25579
25580
25581
25582
25583
25584
25585
25586
25587
25588
25589
25590
25591
25592
25593
25594
25595
25596
25597
25598
25599
25600
25601
25602
25603
25604
25605
25606
25607
25608
25609
25610
25611
25612
25613
25614
25615
25616
25617
25618
25619
25620
25621
25622
25623
25624
25625
25626
25627
25628
25629
25630
25631
25632
25633
25634
25635
25636
25637
25638
25639
25640
25641
25642
25643
25644
25645
25646
25647
25648
25649
25650
25651
25652
25653
25654
25655
25656
25657
25658
25659
25660
25661
25662
25663
25664
25665
25666
25667
25668
25669
25670
25671
25672
25673
25674
25675
25676
25677
25678
25679
25680
25681
25682
25683
25684
25685
25686
25687
25688
25689
25690
25691
25692
25693
25694
25695
25696
25697
25698
25699
25700
25701
25702
25703
25704
25705
25706
25707
25708
25709
25710
25711
25712
25713
25714
25715
25716
25717
25718
25719
25720
25721
25722
25723
25724
25725
25726
25727
25728
25729
25730
25731
25732
25733
25734
25735
25736
25737
25738
25739
25740
25741
25742
25743
25744
25745
25746
25747
25748
25749
25750
25751
25752
25753
25754
25755
25756
25757
25758
25759
25760
25761
25762
25763
25764
25765
25766
25767
25768
25769
25770
25771
25772
25773
25774
25775
25776
25777
25778
25779
25780
25781
25782
25783
25784
25785
25786
25787
25788
25789
25790
25791
25792
25793
25794
25795
25796
25797
25798
25799
25800
25801
25802
25803
25804
25805
25806
25807
25808
25809
25810
25811
25812
25813
25814
25815
25816
25817
25818
25819
25820
25821
25822
25823
25824
25825
25826
25827
25828
25829
25830
25831
25832
25833
25834
25835
25836
25837
25838
25839
25840
25841
25842
25843
25844
25845
25846
25847
25848
25849
25850
25851
25852
25853
25854
25855
25856
25857
25858
25859
25860
25861
25862
25863
25864
25865
25866
25867
25868
25869
25870
25871
25872
25873
25874
25875
25876
25877
25878
25879
25880
25881
25882
25883
25884
25885
25886
25887
25888
25889
25890
25891
25892
25893
25894
25895
25896
25897
25898
25899
25900
25901
25902
25903
25904
25905
25906
25907
25908
25909
25910
25911
25912
25913
25914
25915
25916
25917
25918
25919
25920
25921
25922
25923
25924
25925
25926
25927
25928
25929
25930
25931
25932
25933
25934
25935
25936
25937
25938
25939
25940
25941
25942
25943
25944
25945
25946
25947
25948
25949
25950
25951
25952
25953
25954
25955
25956
25957
25958
25959
25960
25961
25962
25963
25964
25965
25966
25967
25968
25969
25970
25971
25972
25973
25974
25975
25976
25977
25978
25979
25980
25981
25982
25983
25984
25985
25986
25987
25988
25989
25990
25991
25992
25993
25994
25995
25996
25997
25998
25999
26000
26001
26002
26003
26004
26005
26006
26007
26008
26009
26010
26011
26012
26013
26014
26015
26016
26017
26018
26019
26020
26021
26022
26023
26024
26025
26026
26027
26028
26029
26030
26031
26032
26033
26034
26035
26036
26037
26038
26039
26040
26041
26042
26043
26044
26045
26046
26047
26048
26049
26050
26051
26052
26053
26054
26055
26056
26057
26058
26059
26060
26061
26062
26063
26064
26065
26066
26067
26068
26069
26070
26071
26072
26073
26074
26075
26076
26077
26078
26079
26080
26081
26082
26083
26084
26085
26086
26087
26088
26089
26090
26091
26092
26093
26094
26095
26096
26097
26098
26099
26100
26101
26102
26103
26104
26105
26106
26107
26108
26109
26110
26111
26112
26113
26114
26115
26116
26117
26118
26119
26120
26121
26122
26123
26124
26125
26126
26127
26128
26129
26130
26131
26132
26133
26134
26135
26136
26137
26138
26139
26140
26141
26142
26143
26144
26145
26146
26147
26148
26149
26150
26151
26152
26153
26154
26155
26156
26157
26158
26159
26160
26161
26162
26163
26164
26165
26166
26167
26168
26169
26170
26171
26172
26173
26174
26175
26176
26177
26178
26179
26180
26181
26182
26183
26184
26185
26186
26187
26188
26189
26190
26191
26192
26193
26194
26195
26196
26197
26198
26199
26200
26201
26202
26203
26204
26205
26206
26207
26208
26209
26210
26211
26212
26213
26214
26215
26216
26217
26218
26219
26220
26221
26222
26223
26224
26225
26226
26227
26228
26229
26230
26231
26232
26233
26234
26235
26236
26237
26238
26239
26240
26241
26242
26243
26244
26245
26246
26247
26248
26249
26250
26251
26252
26253
26254
26255
26256
26257
26258
26259
26260
26261
26262
26263
26264
26265
26266
26267
26268
26269
26270
26271
26272
26273
26274
26275
26276
26277
26278
26279
26280
26281
26282
26283
26284
26285
26286
26287
26288
26289
26290
26291
26292
26293
26294
26295
26296
26297
26298
26299
26300
26301
26302
26303
26304
26305
26306
26307
26308
26309
26310
26311
26312
26313
26314
26315
26316
26317
26318
26319
26320
26321
26322
26323
26324
26325
26326
26327
26328
26329
26330
26331
26332
26333
26334
26335
26336
26337
26338
26339
26340
26341
26342
26343
26344
26345
26346
26347
26348
26349
26350
26351
26352
26353
26354
26355
26356
26357
26358
26359
26360
26361
26362
26363
26364
26365
26366
26367
26368
26369
26370
26371
26372
26373
26374
26375
26376
26377
26378
26379
26380
26381
26382
26383
26384
26385
26386
26387
26388
26389
26390
26391
26392
26393
26394
26395
26396
26397
26398
26399
26400
26401
26402
26403
26404
26405
26406
26407
26408
26409
26410
26411
26412
26413
26414
26415
26416
26417
26418
26419
26420
26421
26422
26423
26424
26425
26426
26427
26428
26429
26430
26431
26432
26433
26434
26435
26436
26437
26438
26439
26440
26441
26442
26443
26444
26445
26446
26447
26448
26449
26450
26451
26452
26453
26454
26455
26456
26457
26458
26459
26460
26461
26462
26463
26464
26465
26466
26467
26468
26469
26470
26471
26472
26473
26474
26475
26476
26477
26478
26479
26480
26481
26482
26483
26484
26485
26486
26487
26488
26489
26490
26491
26492
26493
26494
26495
26496
26497
26498
26499
26500
26501
26502
26503
26504
26505
26506
26507
26508
26509
26510
26511
26512
26513
26514
26515
26516
26517
26518
26519
26520
26521
26522
26523
26524
26525
26526
26527
26528
26529
26530
26531
26532
26533
26534
26535
26536
26537
26538
26539
26540
26541
26542
26543
26544
26545
26546
26547
26548
26549
26550
26551
26552
26553
26554
26555
26556
26557
26558
26559
26560
26561
26562
26563
26564
26565
26566
26567
26568
26569
26570
26571
26572
26573
26574
26575
26576
26577
26578
26579
26580
26581
26582
26583
26584
26585
26586
26587
26588
26589
26590
26591
26592
26593
26594
26595
26596
26597
26598
26599
26600
26601
26602
26603
26604
26605
26606
26607
26608
26609
26610
26611
26612
26613
26614
26615
26616
26617
26618
26619
26620
26621
26622
26623
26624
26625
26626
26627
26628
26629
26630
26631
26632
26633
26634
26635
26636
26637
26638
26639
26640
26641
26642
26643
26644
26645
26646
26647
26648
26649
26650
26651
26652
26653
26654
26655
26656
26657
26658
26659
26660
26661
26662
26663
26664
26665
26666
26667
26668
26669
26670
26671
26672
26673
26674
26675
26676
26677
26678
26679
26680
26681
26682
26683
26684
26685
26686
26687
26688
26689
26690
26691
26692
26693
26694
26695
26696
26697
26698
26699
26700
26701
26702
26703
26704
26705
26706
26707
26708
26709
26710
26711
26712
26713
26714
26715
26716
26717
26718
26719
26720
26721
26722
26723
26724
26725
26726
26727
26728
26729
26730
26731
26732
26733
26734
26735
26736
26737
26738
26739
26740
26741
26742
26743
26744
26745
26746
26747
26748
26749
26750
26751
26752
26753
26754
26755
26756
26757
26758
26759
26760
26761
26762
26763
26764
26765
26766
26767
26768
26769
26770
26771
26772
26773
26774
26775
26776
26777
26778
26779
26780
26781
26782
26783
26784
26785
26786
26787
26788
26789
26790
26791
26792
26793
26794
26795
26796
26797
26798
26799
26800
26801
26802
26803
26804
26805
26806
26807
26808
26809
26810
26811
26812
26813
26814
26815
26816
26817
26818
26819
26820
26821
26822
26823
26824
26825
26826
26827
26828
26829
26830
26831
26832
26833
26834
26835
26836
26837
26838
26839
26840
26841
26842
26843
26844
26845
26846
26847
26848
26849
26850
26851
26852
26853
26854
26855
26856
26857
26858
26859
26860
26861
26862
26863
26864
26865
26866
26867
26868
26869
26870
26871
26872
26873
26874
26875
26876
26877
26878
26879
26880
26881
26882
26883
26884
26885
26886
26887
26888
26889
26890
26891
26892
26893
26894
26895
26896
26897
26898
26899
26900
26901
26902
26903
26904
26905
26906
26907
26908
26909
26910
26911
26912
26913
26914
26915
26916
26917
26918
26919
26920
26921
26922
26923
26924
26925
26926
26927
26928
26929
26930
26931
26932
26933
26934
26935
26936
26937
26938
26939
26940
26941
26942
26943
26944
26945
26946
26947
26948
26949
26950
26951
26952
26953
26954
26955
26956
26957
26958
26959
26960
26961
26962
26963
26964
26965
26966
26967
26968
26969
26970
26971
26972
26973
26974
26975
26976
26977
26978
26979
26980
26981
26982
26983
26984
26985
26986
26987
26988
26989
26990
26991
26992
26993
26994
26995
26996
26997
26998
26999
27000
27001
27002
27003
27004
27005
27006
27007
27008
27009
27010
27011
27012
27013
27014
27015
27016
27017
27018
27019
27020
27021
27022
27023
27024
27025
27026
27027
27028
27029
27030
27031
27032
27033
27034
27035
27036
27037
27038
27039
27040
27041
27042
27043
27044
27045
27046
27047
27048
27049
27050
27051
27052
27053
27054
27055
27056
27057
27058
27059
27060
27061
27062
27063
27064
27065
27066
27067
27068
27069
27070
27071
27072
27073
27074
27075
27076
27077
27078
27079
27080
27081
27082
27083
27084
27085
27086
27087
27088
27089
27090
27091
27092
27093
27094
27095
27096
27097
27098
27099
27100
27101
27102
27103
27104
27105
27106
27107
27108
27109
27110
27111
27112
27113
27114
27115
27116
27117
27118
27119
27120
27121
27122
27123
27124
27125
27126
27127
27128
27129
27130
27131
27132
27133
27134
27135
27136
27137
27138
27139
27140
27141
27142
27143
27144
27145
27146
27147
27148
27149
27150
27151
27152
27153
27154
27155
27156
27157
27158
27159
27160
27161
27162
27163
27164
27165
27166
27167
27168
27169
27170
27171
27172
27173
27174
27175
27176
27177
27178
27179
27180
27181
27182
27183
27184
27185
27186
27187
27188
27189
27190
27191
27192
27193
27194
27195
27196
27197
27198
27199
27200
27201
27202
27203
27204
27205
27206
27207
27208
27209
27210
27211
27212
27213
27214
27215
27216
27217
27218
27219
27220
27221
27222
27223
27224
27225
27226
27227
27228
27229
27230
27231
27232
27233
27234
27235
27236
27237
27238
27239
27240
27241
27242
27243
27244
27245
27246
27247
27248
27249
27250
27251
27252
27253
27254
27255
27256
27257
27258
27259
27260
27261
27262
27263
27264
27265
27266
27267
27268
27269
27270
27271
27272
27273
27274
27275
27276
27277
27278
27279
27280
27281
27282
27283
27284
27285
27286
27287
27288
27289
27290
27291
27292
27293
27294
27295
27296
27297
27298
27299
27300
27301
27302
27303
27304
27305
27306
27307
27308
27309
27310
27311
27312
27313
27314
27315
27316
27317
27318
27319
27320
27321
27322
27323
27324
27325
27326
27327
27328
27329
27330
27331
27332
27333
27334
27335
27336
27337
27338
27339
27340
27341
27342
27343
27344
27345
27346
27347
27348
27349
27350
27351
27352
27353
27354
27355
27356
27357
27358
27359
27360
27361
27362
27363
27364
27365
27366
27367
27368
27369
27370
27371
27372
27373
27374
27375
27376
27377
27378
27379
27380
27381
27382
27383
27384
27385
27386
27387
27388
27389
27390
27391
27392
27393
27394
27395
27396
27397
27398
27399
27400
27401
27402
27403
27404
27405
27406
27407
27408
27409
27410
27411
27412
27413
27414
27415
27416
27417
27418
27419
27420
27421
27422
27423
27424
27425
27426
27427
27428
27429
27430
27431
27432
27433
27434
27435
27436
27437
27438
27439
27440
27441
27442
27443
27444
27445
27446
27447
27448
27449
27450
27451
27452
27453
27454
27455
27456
27457
27458
27459
27460
27461
27462
27463
27464
27465
27466
27467
27468
27469
27470
27471
27472
27473
27474
27475
27476
27477
27478
27479
27480
27481
27482
27483
27484
27485
27486
27487
27488
27489
27490
27491
27492
27493
27494
27495
27496
27497
27498
27499
27500
27501
27502
27503
27504
27505
27506
27507
27508
27509
27510
27511
27512
27513
27514
27515
27516
27517
27518
27519
27520
27521
27522
27523
27524
27525
27526
27527
27528
27529
27530
27531
27532
27533
27534
27535
27536
27537
27538
27539
27540
27541
27542
27543
27544
27545
27546
27547
27548
27549
27550
27551
27552
27553
27554
27555
27556
27557
27558
27559
27560
27561
27562
27563
27564
27565
27566
27567
27568
27569
27570
27571
27572
27573
27574
27575
27576
27577
27578
27579
27580
27581
27582
27583
27584
27585
27586
27587
27588
27589
27590
27591
27592
27593
27594
27595
27596
27597
27598
27599
27600
27601
27602
27603
27604
27605
27606
27607
27608
27609
27610
27611
27612
27613
27614
27615
27616
27617
27618
27619
27620
27621
27622
27623
27624
27625
27626
27627
27628
27629
27630
27631
27632
27633
27634
27635
27636
27637
27638
27639
27640
27641
27642
27643
27644
27645
27646
27647
27648
27649
27650
27651
27652
27653
27654
27655
27656
27657
27658
27659
27660
27661
27662
27663
27664
27665
27666
27667
27668
27669
27670
27671
27672
27673
27674
27675
27676
27677
27678
27679
27680
27681
27682
27683
27684
27685
27686
27687
27688
27689
27690
27691
27692
27693
27694
27695
27696
27697
27698
27699
27700
27701
27702
27703
27704
27705
27706
27707
27708
27709
27710
27711
27712
27713
27714
27715
27716
27717
27718
27719
27720
27721
27722
27723
27724
27725
27726
27727
27728
27729
27730
27731
27732
27733
27734
27735
27736
27737
27738
27739
27740
27741
27742
27743
27744
27745
27746
27747
27748
27749
27750
27751
27752
27753
27754
27755
27756
27757
27758
27759
27760
27761
27762
27763
27764
27765
27766
27767
27768
27769
27770
27771
27772
27773
27774
27775
27776
27777
27778
27779
27780
27781
27782
27783
27784
27785
27786
27787
27788
27789
27790
27791
27792
27793
27794
27795
27796
27797
27798
27799
27800
27801
27802
27803
27804
27805
27806
27807
27808
27809
27810
27811
27812
27813
27814
27815
27816
27817
27818
27819
27820
27821
27822
27823
27824
27825
27826
27827
27828
27829
27830
27831
27832
27833
27834
27835
27836
27837
27838
27839
27840
27841
27842
27843
27844
27845
27846
27847
27848
27849
27850
27851
27852
27853
27854
27855
27856
27857
27858
27859
27860
27861
27862
27863
27864
27865
27866
27867
27868
27869
27870
27871
27872
27873
27874
27875
27876
27877
27878
27879
27880
27881
27882
27883
27884
27885
27886
27887
27888
27889
27890
27891
27892
27893
27894
27895
27896
27897
27898
27899
27900
27901
27902
27903
27904
27905
27906
27907
27908
27909
27910
27911
27912
27913
27914
27915
27916
27917
27918
27919
27920
27921
27922
27923
27924
27925
27926
27927
27928
27929
27930
27931
27932
27933
27934
27935
27936
27937
27938
27939
27940
27941
27942
27943
27944
27945
27946
27947
27948
27949
27950
27951
27952
27953
27954
27955
27956
27957
27958
27959
27960
27961
27962
27963
27964
27965
27966
27967
27968
27969
27970
27971
27972
27973
27974
27975
27976
27977
27978
27979
27980
27981
27982
27983
27984
27985
27986
27987
27988
27989
27990
27991
27992
27993
27994
27995
27996
27997
27998
27999
28000
28001
28002
28003
28004
28005
28006
28007
28008
28009
28010
28011
28012
28013
28014
28015
28016
28017
28018
28019
28020
28021
28022
28023
28024
28025
28026
28027
28028
28029
28030
28031
28032
28033
28034
28035
28036
28037
28038
28039
28040
28041
28042
28043
28044
28045
28046
28047
28048
28049
28050
28051
28052
28053
28054
28055
28056
28057
28058
28059
28060
28061
28062
28063
28064
28065
28066
28067
28068
28069
28070
28071
28072
28073
28074
28075
28076
28077
28078
28079
28080
28081
28082
28083
28084
28085
28086
28087
28088
28089
28090
28091
28092
28093
28094
28095
28096
28097
28098
28099
28100
28101
28102
28103
28104
28105
28106
28107
28108
28109
28110
28111
28112
28113
28114
28115
28116
28117
28118
28119
28120
28121
28122
28123
28124
28125
28126
28127
28128
28129
28130
28131
28132
28133
28134
28135
28136
28137
28138
28139
28140
28141
28142
28143
28144
28145
28146
28147
28148
28149
28150
28151
28152
28153
28154
28155
28156
28157
28158
28159
28160
28161
28162
28163
28164
28165
28166
28167
28168
28169
28170
28171
28172
28173
28174
28175
28176
28177
28178
28179
28180
28181
28182
28183
28184
28185
28186
28187
28188
28189
28190
28191
28192
28193
28194
28195
28196
28197
28198
28199
28200
28201
28202
28203
28204
28205
28206
28207
28208
28209
28210
28211
28212
28213
28214
28215
28216
28217
28218
28219
28220
28221
28222
28223
28224
28225
28226
28227
28228
28229
28230
28231
28232
28233
28234
28235
28236
28237
28238
28239
28240
28241
28242
28243
28244
28245
28246
28247
28248
28249
28250
28251
28252
28253
28254
28255
28256
28257
28258
28259
28260
28261
28262
28263
28264
28265
28266
28267
28268
28269
28270
28271
28272
28273
28274
28275
28276
28277
28278
28279
28280
28281
28282
28283
28284
28285
28286
28287
28288
28289
28290
28291
28292
28293
28294
28295
28296
28297
28298
28299
28300
28301
28302
28303
28304
28305
28306
28307
28308
28309
28310
28311
28312
28313
28314
28315
28316
28317
28318
28319
28320
28321
28322
28323
28324
28325
28326
28327
28328
28329
28330
28331
28332
28333
28334
28335
28336
28337
28338
28339
28340
28341
28342
28343
28344
28345
28346
28347
28348
28349
28350
28351
28352
28353
28354
28355
28356
28357
28358
28359
28360
28361
28362
28363
28364
28365
28366
28367
28368
28369
28370
28371
28372
28373
28374
28375
28376
28377
28378
28379
28380
28381
28382
28383
28384
28385
28386
28387
28388
28389
28390
28391
28392
28393
28394
28395
28396
28397
28398
28399
28400
28401
28402
28403
28404
28405
28406
28407
28408
28409
28410
28411
28412
28413
28414
28415
28416
28417
28418
28419
28420
28421
28422
28423
28424
28425
28426
28427
28428
28429
28430
28431
28432
28433
28434
28435
28436
28437
28438
28439
28440
28441
28442
28443
28444
28445
28446
28447
28448
28449
28450
28451
28452
28453
28454
28455
28456
28457
28458
28459
28460
28461
28462
28463
28464
28465
28466
28467
28468
28469
28470
28471
28472
28473
28474
28475
28476
28477
28478
28479
28480
28481
28482
28483
28484
28485
28486
28487
28488
28489
28490
28491
28492
28493
28494
28495
28496
28497
28498
28499
28500
28501
28502
28503
28504
28505
28506
28507
28508
28509
28510
28511
28512
28513
28514
28515
28516
28517
28518
28519
28520
28521
28522
28523
28524
28525
28526
28527
28528
28529
28530
28531
28532
28533
28534
28535
28536
28537
28538
28539
28540
28541
28542
28543
28544
28545
28546
28547
28548
28549
28550
28551
28552
28553
28554
28555
28556
28557
28558
28559
28560
28561
28562
28563
28564
28565
28566
28567
28568
28569
28570
28571
28572
28573
28574
28575
28576
28577
28578
28579
28580
28581
28582
28583
28584
28585
28586
28587
28588
28589
28590
28591
28592
28593
28594
28595
28596
28597
28598
28599
28600
28601
28602
28603
28604
28605
28606
28607
28608
28609
28610
28611
28612
28613
28614
28615
28616
28617
28618
28619
28620
28621
28622
28623
28624
28625
28626
28627
28628
28629
28630
28631
28632
28633
28634
28635
28636
28637
28638
28639
28640
28641
28642
28643
28644
28645
28646
28647
28648
28649
28650
28651
28652
28653
28654
28655
28656
28657
28658
28659
28660
28661
28662
28663
28664
28665
28666
28667
28668
28669
28670
28671
28672
28673
28674
28675
28676
28677
28678
28679
28680
28681
28682
28683
28684
28685
28686
28687
28688
28689
28690
28691
28692
28693
28694
28695
28696
28697
28698
28699
28700
28701
28702
28703
28704
28705
28706
28707
28708
28709
28710
28711
28712
28713
28714
28715
28716
28717
28718
28719
28720
28721
28722
28723
28724
28725
28726
28727
28728
28729
28730
28731
28732
28733
28734
28735
28736
28737
28738
28739
28740
28741
28742
28743
28744
28745
28746
28747
28748
28749
28750
28751
28752
28753
28754
28755
28756
28757
28758
28759
28760
28761
28762
28763
28764
28765
28766
28767
28768
28769
28770
28771
28772
28773
28774
28775
28776
28777
28778
28779
28780
28781
28782
28783
28784
28785
28786
28787
28788
28789
28790
28791
28792
28793
28794
28795
28796
28797
28798
28799
28800
28801
28802
28803
28804
28805
28806
28807
28808
28809
28810
28811
28812
28813
28814
28815
28816
28817
28818
28819
28820
28821
28822
28823
28824
28825
28826
28827
28828
28829
28830
28831
28832
28833
28834
28835
28836
28837
28838
28839
28840
28841
28842
28843
28844
28845
28846
28847
28848
28849
28850
28851
28852
28853
28854
28855
28856
28857
28858
28859
28860
28861
28862
28863
28864
28865
28866
28867
28868
28869
28870
28871
28872
28873
28874
28875
28876
28877
28878
28879
28880
28881
28882
28883
28884
28885
28886
28887
28888
28889
28890
28891
28892
28893
28894
28895
28896
28897
28898
28899
28900
28901
28902
28903
28904
28905
28906
28907
28908
28909
28910
28911
28912
28913
28914
28915
28916
28917
28918
28919
28920
28921
28922
28923
28924
28925
28926
28927
28928
28929
28930
28931
28932
28933
28934
28935
28936
28937
28938
28939
28940
28941
28942
28943
28944
28945
28946
28947
28948
28949
28950
28951
28952
28953
28954
28955
28956
28957
28958
28959
28960
28961
28962
28963
28964
28965
28966
28967
28968
28969
28970
28971
28972
28973
28974
28975
28976
28977
28978
28979
28980
28981
28982
28983
28984
28985
28986
28987
28988
28989
28990
28991
28992
28993
28994
28995
28996
28997
28998
28999
29000
29001
29002
29003
29004
29005
29006
29007
29008
29009
29010
29011
29012
29013
29014
29015
29016
29017
29018
29019
29020
29021
29022
29023
29024
29025
29026
29027
29028
29029
29030
29031
29032
29033
29034
29035
29036
29037
29038
29039
29040
29041
29042
29043
29044
29045
29046
29047
29048
29049
29050
29051
29052
29053
29054
29055
29056
29057
29058
29059
29060
29061
29062
29063
29064
29065
29066
29067
29068
29069
29070
29071
29072
29073
29074
29075
29076
29077
29078
29079
29080
29081
29082
29083
29084
29085
29086
29087
29088
29089
29090
29091
29092
29093
29094
29095
29096
29097
29098
29099
29100
29101
29102
29103
29104
29105
29106
29107
29108
29109
29110
29111
29112
29113
29114
29115
29116
29117
29118
29119
29120
29121
29122
29123
29124
29125
29126
29127
29128
29129
29130
29131
29132
29133
29134
29135
29136
29137
29138
29139
29140
29141
29142
29143
29144
29145
29146
29147
29148
29149
29150
29151
29152
29153
29154
29155
29156
29157
29158
29159
29160
29161
29162
29163
29164
29165
29166
29167
29168
29169
29170
29171
29172
29173
29174
29175
29176
29177
29178
29179
29180
29181
29182
29183
29184
29185
29186
29187
29188
29189
29190
29191
29192
29193
29194
29195
29196
29197
29198
29199
29200
29201
29202
29203
29204
29205
29206
29207
29208
29209
29210
29211
29212
29213
29214
29215
29216
29217
29218
29219
29220
29221
29222
29223
29224
29225
29226
29227
29228
29229
29230
29231
29232
29233
29234
29235
29236
29237
29238
29239
29240
29241
29242
29243
29244
29245
29246
29247
29248
29249
29250
29251
29252
29253
29254
29255
29256
29257
29258
29259
29260
29261
29262
29263
29264
29265
29266
29267
29268
29269
29270
29271
29272
29273
29274
29275
29276
29277
29278
29279
29280
29281
29282
29283
29284
29285
29286
29287
29288
29289
29290
29291
29292
29293
29294
29295
29296
29297
29298
29299
29300
29301
29302
29303
29304
29305
29306
29307
29308
29309
29310
29311
29312
29313
29314
29315
29316
29317
29318
29319
29320
29321
29322
29323
29324
29325
29326
29327
29328
29329
29330
29331
29332
29333
29334
29335
29336
29337
29338
29339
29340
29341
29342
29343
29344
29345
29346
29347
29348
29349
29350
29351
29352
29353
29354
29355
29356
29357
29358
29359
29360
29361
29362
29363
29364
29365
29366
29367
29368
29369
29370
29371
29372
29373
29374
29375
29376
29377
29378
29379
29380
29381
29382
29383
29384
29385
29386
29387
29388
29389
29390
29391
29392
29393
29394
29395
29396
29397
29398
29399
29400
29401
29402
29403
29404
29405
29406
29407
29408
29409
29410
29411
29412
29413
29414
29415
29416
29417
29418
29419
29420
29421
29422
29423
29424
29425
29426
29427
29428
29429
29430
29431
29432
29433
29434
29435
29436
29437
29438
29439
29440
29441
29442
29443
29444
29445
29446
29447
29448
29449
29450
29451
29452
29453
29454
29455
29456
29457
29458
29459
29460
29461
29462
29463
29464
29465
29466
29467
29468
29469
29470
29471
29472
29473
29474
29475
29476
29477
29478
29479
29480
29481
29482
29483
29484
29485
29486
29487
29488
29489
29490
29491
29492
29493
29494
29495
29496
29497
29498
29499
29500
29501
29502
29503
29504
29505
29506
29507
29508
29509
29510
29511
29512
29513
29514
29515
29516
29517
29518
29519
29520
29521
29522
29523
29524
29525
29526
29527
29528
29529
29530
29531
29532
29533
29534
29535
29536
29537
29538
29539
29540
29541
29542
29543
29544
29545
29546
29547
29548
29549
29550
29551
29552
29553
29554
29555
29556
29557
29558
29559
29560
29561
29562
29563
29564
29565
29566
29567
29568
29569
29570
29571
29572
29573
29574
29575
29576
29577
29578
29579
29580
29581
29582
29583
29584
29585
29586
29587
29588
29589
29590
29591
29592
29593
29594
29595
29596
29597
29598
29599
29600
29601
29602
29603
29604
29605
29606
29607
29608
29609
29610
29611
29612
29613
29614
29615
29616
29617
29618
29619
29620
29621
29622
29623
29624
29625
29626
29627
29628
29629
29630
29631
29632
29633
29634
29635
29636
29637
29638
29639
29640
29641
29642
29643
29644
29645
29646
29647
29648
29649
29650
29651
29652
29653
29654
29655
29656
29657
29658
29659
29660
29661
29662
29663
29664
29665
29666
29667
29668
29669
29670
29671
29672
29673
29674
29675
29676
29677
29678
29679
29680
29681
29682
29683
29684
29685
29686
29687
29688
29689
29690
29691
29692
29693
29694
29695
29696
29697
29698
29699
29700
29701
29702
29703
29704
29705
29706
29707
29708
29709
29710
29711
29712
29713
29714
29715
29716
29717
29718
29719
29720
29721
29722
29723
29724
29725
29726
29727
29728
29729
29730
29731
29732
29733
29734
29735
29736
29737
29738
29739
29740
29741
29742
29743
29744
29745
29746
29747
29748
29749
29750
29751
29752
29753
29754
29755
29756
29757
29758
29759
29760
29761
29762
29763
29764
29765
29766
29767
29768
29769
29770
29771
29772
29773
29774
29775
29776
29777
29778
29779
29780
29781
29782
29783
29784
29785
29786
29787
29788
29789
29790
29791
29792
29793
29794
29795
29796
29797
29798
29799
29800
29801
29802
29803
29804
29805
29806
29807
29808
29809
29810
29811
29812
29813
29814
29815
29816
29817
29818
29819
29820
29821
29822
29823
29824
29825
29826
29827
29828
29829
29830
29831
29832
29833
29834
29835
29836
29837
29838
29839
29840
29841
29842
29843
29844
29845
29846
29847
29848
29849
29850
29851
29852
29853
29854
29855
29856
29857
29858
29859
29860
29861
29862
29863
29864
29865
29866
29867
29868
29869
29870
29871
29872
29873
29874
29875
29876
29877
29878
29879
29880
29881
29882
29883
29884
29885
29886
29887
29888
29889
29890
29891
29892
29893
29894
29895
29896
29897
29898
29899
29900
29901
29902
29903
29904
29905
29906
29907
29908
29909
29910
29911
29912
29913
29914
29915
29916
29917
29918
29919
29920
29921
29922
29923
29924
29925
29926
29927
29928
29929
29930
29931
29932
29933
29934
29935
29936
29937
29938
29939
29940
29941
29942
29943
29944
29945
29946
29947
29948
29949
29950
29951
29952
29953
29954
29955
29956
29957
29958
29959
29960
29961
29962
29963
29964
29965
29966
29967
29968
29969
29970
29971
29972
29973
29974
29975
29976
29977
29978
29979
29980
29981
29982
29983
29984
29985
29986
29987
29988
29989
29990
29991
29992
29993
29994
29995
29996
29997
29998
29999
30000
30001
30002
30003
30004
30005
30006
30007
30008
30009
30010
30011
30012
30013
30014
30015
30016
30017
30018
30019
30020
30021
30022
30023
30024
30025
30026
30027
30028
30029
30030
30031
30032
30033
30034
30035
30036
30037
30038
30039
30040
30041
30042
30043
30044
30045
30046
30047
30048
30049
30050
30051
30052
30053
30054
30055
30056
30057
30058
30059
30060
30061
30062
30063
30064
30065
30066
30067
30068
30069
30070
30071
30072
30073
30074
30075
30076
30077
30078
30079
30080
30081
30082
30083
30084
30085
30086
30087
30088
30089
30090
30091
30092
30093
30094
30095
30096
30097
30098
30099
30100
30101
30102
30103
30104
30105
30106
30107
30108
30109
30110
30111
30112
30113
30114
30115
30116
30117
30118
30119
30120
30121
30122
30123
30124
30125
30126
30127
30128
30129
30130
30131
30132
30133
30134
30135
30136
30137
30138
30139
30140
30141
30142
30143
30144
30145
30146
30147
30148
30149
30150
30151
30152
30153
30154
30155
30156
30157
30158
30159
30160
30161
30162
30163
30164
30165
30166
30167
30168
30169
30170
30171
30172
30173
30174
30175
30176
30177
30178
30179
30180
30181
30182
30183
30184
30185
30186
30187
30188
30189
30190
30191
30192
30193
30194
30195
30196
30197
30198
30199
30200
30201
30202
30203
30204
30205
30206
30207
30208
30209
30210
30211
30212
30213
30214
30215
30216
30217
30218
30219
30220
30221
30222
30223
30224
30225
30226
30227
30228
30229
30230
30231
30232
30233
30234
30235
30236
30237
30238
30239
30240
30241
30242
30243
30244
30245
30246
30247
30248
30249
30250
30251
30252
30253
30254
30255
30256
30257
30258
30259
30260
30261
30262
30263
30264
30265
30266
30267
30268
30269
30270
30271
30272
30273
30274
30275
30276
30277
30278
30279
30280
30281
30282
30283
30284
30285
30286
30287
30288
30289
30290
30291
30292
30293
30294
30295
30296
30297
30298
30299
30300
30301
30302
30303
30304
30305
30306
30307
30308
30309
30310
30311
30312
30313
30314
30315
30316
30317
30318
30319
30320
30321
30322
30323
30324
30325
30326
30327
30328
30329
30330
30331
30332
30333
30334
30335
30336
30337
30338
30339
30340
30341
30342
30343
30344
30345
30346
30347
30348
30349
30350
30351
30352
30353
30354
30355
30356
30357
30358
30359
30360
30361
30362
30363
30364
30365
30366
30367
30368
30369
30370
30371
30372
30373
30374
30375
30376
30377
30378
30379
30380
30381
30382
30383
30384
30385
30386
30387
30388
30389
30390
30391
30392
30393
30394
30395
30396
30397
30398
30399
30400
30401
30402
30403
30404
30405
30406
30407
30408
30409
30410
30411
30412
30413
30414
30415
30416
30417
30418
30419
30420
30421
30422
30423
30424
30425
30426
30427
30428
30429
30430
30431
30432
30433
30434
30435
30436
30437
30438
30439
30440
30441
30442
30443
30444
30445
30446
30447
30448
30449
30450
30451
30452
30453
30454
30455
30456
30457
30458
30459
30460
30461
30462
30463
30464
30465
30466
30467
30468
30469
30470
30471
30472
30473
30474
30475
30476
30477
30478
30479
30480
30481
30482
30483
30484
30485
30486
30487
30488
30489
30490
30491
30492
30493
30494
30495
30496
30497
30498
30499
30500
30501
30502
30503
30504
30505
30506
30507
30508
30509
30510
30511
30512
30513
30514
30515
30516
30517
30518
30519
30520
30521
30522
30523
30524
30525
30526
30527
30528
30529
30530
30531
30532
30533
30534
30535
30536
30537
30538
30539
30540
30541
30542
30543
30544
30545
30546
30547
30548
30549
30550
30551
30552
30553
30554
30555
30556
30557
30558
30559
30560
30561
30562
30563
30564
30565
30566
30567
30568
30569
30570
30571
30572
30573
30574
30575
30576
30577
30578
30579
30580
30581
30582
30583
30584
30585
30586
30587
30588
30589
30590
30591
30592
30593
30594
30595
30596
30597
30598
30599
30600
30601
30602
30603
30604
30605
30606
30607
30608
30609
30610
30611
30612
30613
30614
30615
30616
30617
30618
30619
30620
30621
30622
30623
30624
30625
30626
30627
30628
30629
30630
30631
30632
30633
30634
30635
30636
30637
30638
30639
30640
30641
30642
30643
30644
30645
30646
30647
30648
30649
30650
30651
30652
30653
30654
30655
30656
30657
30658
30659
30660
30661
30662
30663
30664
30665
30666
30667
30668
30669
30670
30671
30672
30673
30674
30675
30676
30677
30678
30679
30680
30681
30682
30683
30684
30685
30686
30687
30688
30689
30690
30691
30692
30693
30694
30695
30696
30697
30698
30699
30700
30701
30702
30703
30704
30705
30706
30707
30708
30709
30710
30711
30712
30713
30714
30715
30716
30717
30718
30719
30720
30721
30722
30723
30724
30725
30726
30727
30728
30729
30730
30731
30732
30733
30734
30735
30736
30737
30738
30739
30740
30741
30742
30743
30744
30745
30746
30747
30748
30749
30750
30751
30752
30753
30754
30755
30756
30757
30758
30759
30760
30761
30762
30763
30764
30765
30766
30767
30768
30769
30770
30771
30772
30773
30774
30775
30776
30777
30778
30779
30780
30781
30782
30783
30784
30785
30786
30787
30788
30789
30790
30791
30792
30793
30794
30795
30796
30797
30798
30799
30800
30801
30802
30803
30804
30805
30806
30807
30808
30809
30810
30811
30812
30813
30814
30815
30816
30817
30818
30819
30820
30821
30822
30823
30824
30825
30826
30827
30828
30829
30830
30831
30832
30833
30834
30835
30836
30837
30838
30839
30840
30841
30842
30843
30844
30845
30846
30847
30848
30849
30850
30851
30852
30853
30854
30855
30856
30857
30858
30859
30860
30861
30862
30863
30864
30865
30866
30867
30868
30869
30870
30871
30872
30873
30874
30875
30876
30877
30878
30879
30880
30881
30882
30883
30884
30885
30886
30887
30888
30889
30890
30891
30892
30893
30894
30895
30896
30897
30898
30899
30900
30901
30902
30903
30904
30905
30906
30907
30908
30909
30910
30911
30912
30913
30914
30915
30916
30917
30918
30919
30920
30921
30922
30923
30924
30925
30926
30927
30928
30929
30930
30931
30932
30933
30934
30935
30936
30937
30938
30939
30940
30941
30942
30943
30944
30945
30946
30947
30948
30949
30950
30951
30952
30953
30954
30955
30956
30957
30958
30959
30960
30961
30962
30963
30964
30965
30966
30967
30968
30969
30970
30971
30972
30973
30974
30975
30976
30977
30978
30979
30980
30981
30982
30983
30984
30985
30986
30987
30988
30989
30990
30991
30992
30993
30994
30995
30996
30997
30998
30999
31000
31001
31002
31003
31004
31005
31006
31007
31008
31009
31010
31011
31012
31013
31014
31015
31016
31017
31018
31019
31020
31021
31022
31023
31024
31025
31026
31027
31028
31029
31030
31031
31032
31033
31034
31035
31036
31037
31038
31039
31040
31041
31042
31043
31044
31045
31046
31047
31048
31049
31050
31051
31052
31053
31054
31055
31056
31057
31058
31059
31060
31061
31062
31063
31064
31065
31066
31067
31068
31069
31070
31071
31072
31073
31074
31075
31076
31077
31078
31079
31080
31081
31082
31083
31084
31085
31086
31087
31088
31089
31090
31091
31092
31093
31094
31095
31096
31097
31098
31099
31100
31101
31102
31103
31104
31105
31106
31107
31108
31109
31110
31111
31112
31113
31114
31115
31116
31117
31118
31119
31120
31121
31122
31123
31124
31125
31126
31127
31128
31129
31130
31131
31132
31133
31134
31135
31136
31137
31138
31139
31140
31141
31142
31143
31144
31145
31146
31147
31148
31149
31150
31151
31152
31153
31154
31155
31156
31157
31158
31159
31160
31161
31162
31163
31164
31165
31166
31167
31168
31169
31170
31171
31172
31173
31174
31175
31176
31177
31178
31179
31180
31181
31182
31183
31184
31185
31186
31187
31188
31189
31190
31191
31192
31193
31194
31195
31196
31197
31198
31199
31200
31201
31202
31203
31204
31205
31206
31207
31208
31209
31210
31211
31212
31213
31214
31215
31216
31217
31218
31219
31220
31221
31222
31223
31224
31225
31226
31227
31228
31229
31230
31231
31232
31233
31234
31235
31236
31237
31238
31239
31240
31241
31242
31243
31244
31245
31246
31247
31248
31249
31250
31251
31252
31253
31254
31255
31256
31257
31258
31259
31260
31261
31262
31263
31264
31265
31266
31267
31268
31269
31270
31271
31272
31273
31274
31275
31276
31277
31278
31279
31280
31281
31282
31283
31284
31285
31286
31287
31288
31289
31290
31291
31292
31293
31294
31295
31296
31297
31298
31299
31300
31301
31302
31303
31304
31305
31306
31307
31308
31309
31310
31311
31312
31313
31314
31315
31316
31317
31318
31319
31320
31321
31322
31323
31324
31325
31326
31327
31328
31329
31330
31331
31332
31333
31334
31335
31336
31337
31338
31339
31340
31341
31342
31343
31344
31345
31346
31347
31348
31349
31350
31351
31352
31353
31354
31355
31356
31357
31358
31359
31360
31361
31362
31363
31364
31365
31366
31367
31368
31369
31370
31371
31372
31373
31374
31375
31376
31377
31378
31379
31380
31381
31382
31383
31384
31385
31386
31387
31388
31389
31390
31391
31392
31393
31394
31395
31396
31397
31398
31399
31400
31401
31402
31403
31404
31405
31406
31407
31408
31409
31410
31411
31412
31413
31414
31415
31416
31417
31418
31419
31420
31421
31422
31423
31424
31425
31426
31427
31428
31429
31430
31431
31432
31433
31434
31435
31436
31437
31438
31439
31440
31441
31442
31443
31444
31445
31446
31447
31448
31449
31450
31451
31452
31453
31454
31455
31456
31457
31458
31459
31460
31461
31462
31463
31464
31465
31466
31467
31468
31469
31470
31471
31472
31473
31474
31475
31476
31477
31478
31479
31480
31481
31482
31483
31484
31485
31486
31487
31488
31489
31490
31491
31492
31493
31494
31495
31496
31497
31498
31499
31500
31501
31502
31503
31504
31505
31506
31507
31508
31509
31510
31511
31512
31513
31514
31515
31516
31517
31518
31519
31520
31521
31522
31523
31524
31525
31526
31527
31528
31529
31530
31531
31532
31533
31534
31535
31536
31537
31538
31539
31540
31541
31542
31543
31544
31545
31546
31547
31548
31549
31550
31551
31552
31553
31554
31555
31556
31557
31558
31559
31560
31561
31562
31563
31564
31565
31566
31567
31568
31569
31570
31571
31572
31573
31574
31575
31576
31577
31578
31579
31580
31581
31582
31583
31584
31585
31586
31587
31588
31589
31590
31591
31592
31593
31594
31595
31596
31597
31598
31599
31600
31601
31602
31603
31604
31605
31606
31607
31608
31609
31610
31611
31612
31613
31614
31615
31616
31617
31618
31619
31620
31621
31622
31623
31624
31625
31626
31627
31628
31629
31630
31631
31632
31633
31634
31635
31636
31637
31638
31639
31640
31641
31642
31643
31644
31645
31646
31647
31648
31649
31650
31651
31652
31653
31654
31655
31656
31657
31658
31659
31660
31661
31662
31663
31664
31665
31666
31667
31668
31669
31670
31671
31672
31673
31674
31675
31676
31677
31678
31679
31680
31681
31682
31683
31684
31685
31686
31687
31688
31689
31690
31691
31692
31693
31694
31695
31696
31697
31698
31699
31700
31701
31702
31703
31704
31705
31706
31707
31708
31709
31710
31711
31712
31713
31714
31715
31716
31717
31718
31719
31720
31721
31722
31723
31724
31725
31726
31727
31728
31729
31730
31731
31732
31733
31734
31735
31736
31737
31738
31739
31740
31741
31742
31743
31744
31745
31746
31747
31748
31749
31750
31751
31752
31753
31754
31755
31756
31757
31758
31759
31760
31761
31762
31763
31764
31765
31766
31767
31768
31769
31770
31771
31772
31773
31774
31775
31776
31777
31778
31779
31780
31781
31782
31783
31784
31785
31786
31787
31788
31789
31790
31791
31792
31793
31794
31795
31796
31797
31798
31799
31800
31801
31802
31803
31804
31805
31806
31807
31808
31809
31810
31811
31812
31813
31814
31815
31816
31817
31818
31819
31820
31821
31822
31823
31824
31825
31826
31827
31828
31829
31830
31831
31832
31833
31834
31835
31836
31837
31838
31839
31840
31841
31842
31843
31844
31845
31846
31847
31848
31849
31850
31851
31852
31853
31854
31855
31856
31857
31858
31859
31860
31861
31862
31863
31864
31865
31866
31867
31868
31869
31870
31871
31872
31873
31874
31875
31876
31877
31878
31879
31880
31881
31882
31883
31884
31885
31886
31887
31888
31889
31890
31891
31892
31893
31894
31895
31896
31897
31898
31899
31900
31901
31902
31903
31904
31905
31906
31907
31908
31909
31910
31911
31912
31913
31914
31915
31916
31917
31918
31919
31920
31921
31922
31923
31924
31925
31926
31927
31928
31929
31930
31931
31932
31933
31934
31935
31936
31937
31938
31939
31940
31941
31942
31943
31944
31945
31946
31947
31948
31949
31950
31951
31952
31953
31954
31955
31956
31957
31958
31959
31960
31961
31962
31963
31964
31965
31966
31967
31968
31969
31970
31971
31972
31973
31974
31975
31976
31977
31978
31979
31980
31981
31982
31983
31984
31985
31986
31987
31988
31989
31990
31991
31992
31993
31994
31995
31996
31997
31998
31999
32000
32001
32002
32003
32004
32005
32006
32007
32008
32009
32010
32011
32012
32013
32014
32015
32016
32017
32018
32019
32020
32021
32022
32023
32024
32025
32026
32027
32028
32029
32030
32031
32032
32033
32034
32035
32036
32037
32038
32039
32040
32041
32042
32043
32044
32045
32046
32047
32048
32049
32050
32051
32052
32053
32054
32055
32056
32057
32058
32059
32060
32061
32062
32063
32064
32065
32066
32067
32068
32069
32070
32071
32072
32073
32074
32075
32076
32077
32078
32079
32080
32081
32082
32083
32084
32085
32086
32087
32088
32089
32090
32091
32092
32093
32094
32095
32096
32097
32098
32099
32100
32101
32102
32103
32104
32105
32106
32107
32108
32109
32110
32111
32112
32113
32114
32115
32116
32117
32118
32119
32120
32121
32122
32123
32124
32125
32126
32127
32128
32129
32130
32131
32132
32133
32134
32135
32136
32137
32138
32139
32140
32141
32142
32143
32144
32145
32146
32147
32148
32149
32150
32151
32152
32153
32154
32155
32156
32157
32158
32159
32160
32161
32162
32163
32164
32165
32166
32167
32168
32169
32170
32171
32172
32173
32174
32175
32176
32177
32178
32179
32180
32181
32182
32183
32184
32185
32186
32187
32188
32189
32190
32191
32192
32193
32194
32195
32196
32197
32198
32199
32200
32201
32202
32203
32204
32205
32206
32207
32208
32209
32210
32211
32212
32213
32214
32215
32216
32217
32218
32219
32220
32221
32222
32223
32224
32225
32226
32227
32228
32229
32230
32231
32232
32233
32234
32235
32236
32237
32238
32239
32240
32241
32242
32243
32244
32245
32246
32247
32248
32249
32250
32251
32252
32253
32254
32255
32256
32257
32258
32259
32260
32261
32262
32263
32264
32265
32266
32267
32268
32269
32270
32271
32272
32273
32274
32275
32276
32277
32278
32279
32280
32281
32282
32283
32284
32285
32286
32287
32288
32289
32290
32291
32292
32293
32294
32295
32296
32297
32298
32299
32300
32301
32302
32303
32304
32305
32306
32307
32308
32309
32310
32311
32312
32313
32314
32315
32316
32317
32318
32319
32320
32321
32322
32323
32324
32325
32326
32327
32328
32329
32330
32331
32332
32333
32334
32335
32336
32337
32338
32339
32340
32341
32342
32343
32344
32345
32346
32347
32348
32349
32350
32351
32352
32353
32354
32355
32356
32357
32358
32359
32360
32361
32362
32363
32364
32365
32366
32367
32368
32369
32370
32371
32372
32373
32374
32375
32376
32377
32378
32379
32380
32381
32382
32383
32384
32385
32386
32387
32388
32389
32390
32391
32392
32393
32394
32395
32396
32397
32398
32399
32400
32401
32402
32403
32404
32405
32406
32407
32408
32409
32410
32411
32412
32413
32414
32415
32416
32417
32418
32419
32420
32421
32422
32423
32424
32425
32426
32427
32428
32429
32430
32431
32432
32433
32434
32435
32436
32437
32438
32439
32440
32441
32442
32443
32444
32445
32446
32447
32448
32449
32450
32451
32452
32453
32454
32455
32456
32457
32458
32459
32460
32461
32462
32463
32464
32465
32466
32467
32468
32469
32470
32471
32472
32473
32474
32475
32476
32477
32478
32479
32480
32481
32482
32483
32484
32485
32486
32487
32488
32489
32490
32491
32492
32493
32494
32495
32496
32497
32498
32499
32500
32501
32502
32503
32504
32505
32506
32507
32508
32509
32510
32511
32512
32513
32514
32515
32516
32517
32518
32519
32520
32521
32522
32523
32524
32525
32526
32527
32528
32529
32530
32531
32532
32533
32534
32535
32536
32537
32538
32539
32540
32541
32542
32543
32544
32545
32546
32547
32548
32549
32550
32551
32552
32553
32554
32555
32556
32557
32558
32559
32560
32561
32562
32563
32564
32565
32566
32567
32568
32569
32570
32571
32572
32573
32574
32575
32576
32577
32578
32579
32580
32581
32582
32583
32584
32585
32586
32587
32588
32589
32590
32591
32592
32593
32594
32595
32596
32597
32598
32599
32600
32601
32602
32603
32604
32605
32606
32607
32608
32609
32610
32611
32612
32613
32614
32615
32616
32617
32618
32619
32620
32621
32622
32623
32624
32625
32626
32627
32628
32629
32630
32631
32632
32633
32634
32635
32636
32637
32638
32639
32640
32641
32642
32643
32644
32645
32646
32647
32648
32649
32650
32651
32652
32653
32654
32655
32656
32657
32658
32659
32660
32661
32662
32663
32664
32665
32666
32667
32668
32669
32670
32671
32672
32673
32674
32675
32676
32677
32678
32679
32680
32681
32682
32683
32684
32685
32686
32687
32688
32689
32690
32691
32692
32693
32694
32695
32696
32697
32698
32699
32700
32701
32702
32703
32704
32705
32706
32707
32708
32709
32710
32711
32712
32713
32714
32715
32716
32717
32718
32719
32720
32721
32722
32723
32724
32725
32726
32727
32728
32729
32730
32731
32732
32733
32734
32735
32736
32737
32738
32739
32740
32741
32742
32743
32744
32745
32746
32747
32748
32749
32750
32751
32752
32753
32754
32755
32756
32757
32758
32759
32760
32761
32762
32763
32764
32765
32766
32767
32768
32769
32770
32771
32772
32773
32774
32775
32776
32777
32778
32779
32780
32781
32782
32783
32784
32785
32786
32787
32788
32789
32790
32791
32792
32793
32794
32795
32796
32797
32798
32799
32800
32801
32802
32803
32804
32805
32806
32807
32808
32809
32810
32811
32812
32813
32814
32815
32816
32817
32818
32819
32820
32821
32822
32823
32824
32825
32826
32827
32828
32829
32830
32831
32832
32833
32834
32835
32836
32837
32838
32839
32840
32841
32842
32843
32844
32845
32846
32847
32848
32849
32850
32851
32852
32853
32854
32855
32856
32857
32858
32859
32860
32861
32862
32863
32864
32865
32866
32867
32868
32869
32870
32871
32872
32873
32874
32875
32876
32877
32878
32879
32880
32881
32882
32883
32884
32885
32886
32887
32888
32889
32890
32891
32892
32893
32894
32895
32896
32897
32898
32899
32900
32901
32902
32903
32904
32905
32906
32907
32908
32909
32910
32911
32912
32913
32914
32915
32916
32917
32918
32919
32920
32921
32922
32923
32924
32925
32926
32927
32928
32929
32930
32931
32932
32933
32934
32935
32936
32937
32938
32939
32940
32941
32942
32943
32944
32945
32946
32947
32948
32949
32950
32951
32952
32953
32954
32955
32956
32957
32958
32959
32960
32961
32962
32963
32964
32965
32966
32967
32968
32969
32970
32971
32972
32973
32974
32975
32976
32977
32978
32979
32980
32981
32982
32983
32984
32985
32986
32987
32988
32989
32990
32991
32992
32993
32994
32995
32996
32997
32998
32999
33000
33001
33002
33003
33004
33005
33006
33007
33008
33009
33010
33011
33012
33013
33014
33015
33016
33017
33018
33019
33020
33021
33022
33023
33024
33025
33026
33027
33028
33029
33030
33031
33032
33033
33034
33035
33036
33037
33038
33039
33040
33041
33042
33043
33044
33045
33046
33047
33048
33049
33050
33051
33052
33053
33054
33055
33056
33057
33058
33059
33060
33061
33062
33063
33064
33065
33066
33067
33068
33069
33070
33071
33072
33073
33074
33075
33076
33077
33078
33079
33080
33081
33082
33083
33084
33085
33086
33087
33088
33089
33090
33091
33092
33093
33094
33095
33096
33097
33098
33099
33100
33101
33102
33103
33104
33105
33106
33107
33108
33109
33110
33111
33112
33113
33114
33115
33116
33117
33118
33119
33120
33121
33122
33123
33124
33125
33126
33127
33128
33129
33130
33131
33132
33133
33134
33135
33136
33137
33138
33139
33140
33141
33142
33143
33144
33145
33146
33147
33148
33149
33150
33151
33152
33153
33154
33155
33156
33157
33158
33159
33160
33161
33162
33163
33164
33165
33166
33167
33168
33169
33170
33171
33172
33173
33174
33175
33176
33177
33178
33179
33180
33181
33182
33183
33184
33185
33186
33187
33188
33189
33190
33191
33192
33193
33194
33195
33196
33197
33198
33199
33200
33201
33202
33203
33204
33205
33206
33207
33208
33209
33210
33211
33212
33213
33214
33215
33216
33217
33218
33219
33220
33221
33222
33223
33224
33225
33226
33227
33228
33229
33230
33231
33232
33233
33234
33235
33236
33237
33238
33239
33240
33241
33242
33243
33244
33245
33246
33247
33248
33249
33250
33251
33252
33253
33254
33255
33256
33257
33258
33259
33260
33261
33262
33263
33264
33265
33266
33267
33268
33269
33270
33271
33272
33273
33274
33275
33276
33277
33278
33279
33280
33281
33282
33283
33284
33285
33286
33287
33288
33289
33290
33291
33292
33293
33294
33295
33296
33297
33298
33299
33300
33301
33302
33303
33304
33305
33306
33307
33308
33309
33310
33311
33312
33313
33314
33315
33316
33317
33318
33319
33320
33321
33322
33323
33324
33325
33326
33327
33328
33329
33330
33331
33332
33333
33334
33335
33336
33337
33338
33339
33340
33341
33342
33343
33344
33345
33346
33347
33348
33349
33350
33351
33352
33353
33354
33355
33356
33357
33358
33359
33360
33361
33362
33363
33364
33365
33366
33367
33368
33369
33370
33371
33372
33373
33374
33375
33376
33377
33378
33379
33380
33381
33382
33383
33384
33385
33386
33387
33388
33389
33390
33391
33392
33393
33394
33395
33396
33397
33398
33399
33400
33401
33402
33403
33404
33405
33406
33407
33408
33409
33410
33411
33412
33413
33414
33415
33416
33417
33418
33419
33420
33421
33422
33423
33424
33425
33426
33427
33428
33429
33430
33431
33432
33433
33434
33435
33436
33437
33438
33439
33440
33441
33442
33443
33444
33445
33446
33447
33448
33449
33450
33451
33452
33453
33454
33455
33456
33457
33458
33459
33460
33461
33462
33463
33464
33465
33466
33467
33468
33469
33470
33471
33472
33473
33474
33475
33476
33477
33478
33479
33480
33481
33482
33483
33484
33485
33486
33487
33488
33489
33490
33491
33492
33493
33494
33495
33496
33497
33498
33499
33500
33501
33502
33503
33504
33505
33506
33507
33508
33509
33510
33511
33512
33513
33514
33515
33516
33517
33518
33519
33520
33521
33522
33523
33524
33525
33526
33527
33528
33529
33530
33531
33532
33533
33534
33535
33536
33537
33538
33539
33540
33541
33542
33543
33544
33545
33546
33547
33548
33549
33550
33551
33552
33553
33554
33555
33556
33557
33558
33559
33560
33561
33562
33563
33564
33565
33566
33567
33568
33569
33570
33571
33572
33573
33574
33575
33576
33577
33578
33579
33580
33581
33582
33583
33584
33585
33586
33587
33588
33589
33590
33591
33592
33593
33594
33595
33596
33597
33598
33599
33600
33601
33602
33603
33604
33605
33606
33607
33608
33609
33610
33611
33612
33613
33614
33615
33616
33617
33618
33619
33620
33621
33622
33623
33624
33625
33626
33627
33628
33629
33630
33631
33632
33633
33634
33635
33636
33637
33638
33639
33640
33641
33642
33643
33644
33645
33646
33647
33648
33649
33650
33651
33652
33653
33654
33655
33656
33657
33658
33659
33660
33661
33662
33663
33664
33665
33666
33667
33668
33669
33670
33671
33672
33673
33674
33675
33676
33677
33678
33679
33680
33681
33682
33683
33684
33685
33686
33687
33688
33689
33690
33691
33692
33693
33694
33695
33696
33697
33698
33699
33700
33701
33702
33703
33704
33705
33706
33707
33708
33709
33710
33711
33712
33713
33714
33715
33716
33717
33718
33719
33720
33721
33722
33723
33724
33725
33726
33727
33728
33729
33730
33731
33732
33733
33734
33735
33736
33737
33738
33739
33740
33741
33742
33743
33744
33745
33746
33747
33748
33749
33750
33751
33752
33753
33754
33755
33756
33757
33758
33759
33760
33761
33762
33763
33764
33765
33766
33767
33768
33769
33770
33771
33772
33773
33774
33775
33776
33777
33778
33779
33780
33781
33782
33783
33784
33785
33786
33787
33788
33789
33790
33791
33792
33793
33794
33795
33796
33797
33798
33799
33800
33801
33802
33803
33804
33805
33806
33807
33808
33809
33810
33811
33812
33813
33814
33815
33816
33817
33818
33819
33820
33821
33822
33823
33824
33825
33826
33827
33828
33829
33830
33831
33832
33833
33834
33835
33836
33837
33838
33839
33840
33841
33842
33843
33844
33845
33846
33847
33848
33849
33850
33851
33852
33853
33854
33855
33856
33857
33858
33859
33860
33861
33862
33863
33864
33865
33866
33867
33868
33869
33870
33871
33872
33873
33874
33875
33876
33877
33878
33879
33880
33881
33882
33883
33884
33885
33886
33887
33888
33889
33890
33891
33892
33893
33894
33895
33896
33897
33898
33899
33900
33901
33902
33903
33904
33905
33906
33907
33908
33909
33910
33911
33912
33913
33914
33915
33916
33917
33918
33919
33920
33921
33922
33923
33924
33925
33926
33927
33928
33929
33930
33931
33932
33933
33934
33935
33936
33937
33938
33939
33940
33941
33942
33943
33944
33945
33946
33947
33948
33949
33950
33951
33952
33953
33954
33955
33956
33957
33958
33959
33960
33961
33962
33963
33964
33965
33966
33967
33968
33969
33970
33971
33972
33973
33974
33975
33976
33977
33978
33979
33980
33981
33982
33983
33984
33985
33986
33987
33988
33989
33990
33991
33992
33993
33994
33995
33996
33997
33998
33999
34000
34001
34002
34003
34004
34005
34006
34007
34008
34009
34010
34011
34012
34013
34014
34015
34016
34017
34018
34019
34020
34021
34022
34023
34024
34025
34026
34027
34028
34029
34030
34031
34032
34033
34034
34035
34036
34037
34038
34039
34040
34041
34042
34043
34044
34045
34046
34047
34048
34049
34050
34051
34052
34053
34054
34055
34056
34057
34058
34059
34060
34061
34062
34063
34064
34065
34066
34067
34068
34069
34070
34071
34072
34073
34074
34075
34076
34077
34078
34079
34080
34081
34082
34083
34084
34085
34086
34087
34088
34089
34090
34091
34092
34093
34094
34095
34096
34097
34098
34099
34100
34101
34102
34103
34104
34105
34106
34107
34108
34109
34110
34111
34112
34113
34114
34115
34116
34117
34118
34119
34120
34121
34122
34123
34124
34125
34126
34127
34128
34129
34130
34131
34132
34133
34134
34135
34136
34137
34138
34139
34140
34141
34142
34143
34144
34145
34146
34147
34148
34149
34150
34151
34152
34153
34154
34155
34156
34157
34158
34159
34160
34161
34162
34163
34164
34165
34166
34167
34168
34169
34170
34171
34172
34173
34174
34175
34176
34177
34178
34179
34180
34181
34182
34183
34184
34185
34186
34187
34188
34189
34190
34191
34192
34193
34194
34195
34196
34197
34198
34199
34200
34201
34202
34203
34204
34205
34206
34207
34208
34209
34210
34211
34212
34213
34214
34215
34216
34217
34218
34219
34220
34221
34222
34223
34224
34225
34226
34227
34228
34229
34230
34231
34232
34233
34234
34235
34236
34237
34238
34239
34240
34241
34242
34243
34244
34245
34246
34247
34248
34249
34250
34251
34252
34253
34254
34255
34256
34257
34258
34259
34260
34261
34262
34263
34264
34265
34266
34267
34268
34269
34270
34271
34272
34273
34274
34275
34276
34277
34278
34279
34280
34281
34282
34283
34284
34285
34286
34287
34288
34289
34290
34291
34292
34293
34294
34295
34296
34297
34298
34299
34300
34301
34302
34303
34304
34305
34306
34307
34308
34309
34310
34311
34312
34313
34314
34315
34316
34317
34318
34319
34320
34321
34322
34323
34324
34325
34326
34327
34328
34329
34330
34331
34332
34333
34334
34335
34336
34337
34338
34339
34340
34341
34342
34343
34344
34345
34346
34347
34348
34349
34350
34351
34352
34353
34354
34355
34356
34357
34358
34359
34360
34361
34362
34363
34364
34365
34366
34367
34368
34369
34370
34371
34372
34373
34374
34375
34376
34377
34378
34379
34380
34381
34382
34383
34384
34385
34386
34387
34388
34389
34390
34391
34392
34393
34394
34395
34396
34397
34398
34399
34400
34401
34402
34403
34404
34405
34406
34407
34408
34409
34410
34411
34412
34413
34414
34415
34416
34417
34418
34419
34420
34421
34422
34423
34424
34425
34426
34427
34428
34429
34430
34431
34432
34433
34434
34435
34436
34437
34438
34439
34440
34441
34442
34443
34444
34445
34446
34447
34448
34449
34450
34451
34452
34453
34454
34455
34456
34457
34458
34459
34460
34461
34462
34463
34464
34465
34466
34467
34468
34469
34470
34471
34472
34473
34474
34475
34476
34477
34478
34479
34480
34481
34482
34483
34484
34485
34486
34487
34488
34489
34490
34491
34492
34493
34494
34495
34496
34497
34498
34499
34500
34501
34502
34503
34504
34505
34506
34507
34508
34509
34510
34511
34512
34513
34514
34515
34516
34517
34518
34519
34520
34521
34522
34523
34524
34525
34526
34527
34528
34529
34530
34531
34532
34533
34534
34535
34536
34537
34538
34539
34540
34541
34542
34543
34544
34545
34546
34547
34548
34549
34550
34551
34552
34553
34554
34555
34556
34557
34558
34559
34560
34561
34562
34563
34564
34565
34566
34567
34568
34569
34570
34571
34572
34573
34574
34575
34576
34577
34578
34579
34580
34581
34582
34583
34584
34585
34586
34587
34588
34589
34590
34591
34592
34593
34594
34595
34596
34597
34598
34599
34600
34601
34602
34603
34604
34605
34606
34607
34608
34609
34610
34611
34612
34613
34614
34615
34616
34617
34618
34619
34620
34621
34622
34623
34624
34625
34626
34627
34628
34629
34630
34631
34632
34633
34634
34635
34636
34637
34638
34639
34640
34641
34642
34643
34644
34645
34646
34647
34648
34649
34650
34651
34652
34653
34654
34655
34656
34657
34658
34659
34660
34661
34662
34663
34664
34665
34666
34667
34668
34669
34670
34671
34672
34673
34674
34675
34676
34677
34678
34679
34680
34681
34682
34683
34684
34685
34686
34687
34688
34689
34690
34691
34692
34693
34694
34695
34696
34697
34698
34699
34700
34701
34702
34703
34704
34705
34706
34707
34708
34709
34710
34711
34712
34713
34714
34715
34716
34717
34718
34719
34720
34721
34722
34723
34724
34725
34726
34727
34728
34729
34730
34731
34732
34733
34734
34735
34736
34737
34738
34739
34740
34741
34742
34743
34744
34745
34746
34747
34748
34749
34750
34751
34752
34753
34754
34755
34756
34757
34758
34759
34760
34761
34762
34763
34764
34765
34766
34767
34768
34769
34770
34771
34772
34773
34774
34775
34776
34777
34778
34779
34780
34781
34782
34783
34784
34785
34786
34787
34788
34789
34790
34791
34792
34793
34794
34795
34796
34797
34798
34799
34800
34801
34802
34803
34804
34805
34806
34807
34808
34809
34810
34811
34812
34813
34814
34815
34816
34817
34818
34819
34820
34821
34822
34823
34824
34825
34826
34827
34828
34829
34830
34831
34832
34833
34834
34835
34836
34837
34838
34839
34840
34841
34842
34843
34844
34845
34846
34847
34848
34849
34850
34851
34852
34853
34854
34855
34856
34857
34858
34859
34860
34861
34862
34863
34864
34865
34866
34867
34868
34869
34870
34871
34872
34873
34874
34875
34876
34877
34878
34879
34880
34881
34882
34883
34884
34885
34886
34887
34888
34889
34890
34891
34892
34893
34894
34895
34896
34897
34898
34899
34900
34901
34902
34903
34904
34905
34906
34907
34908
34909
34910
34911
34912
34913
34914
34915
34916
34917
34918
34919
34920
34921
34922
34923
34924
34925
34926
34927
34928
34929
34930
34931
34932
34933
34934
34935
34936
34937
34938
34939
34940
34941
34942
34943
34944
34945
34946
34947
34948
34949
34950
34951
34952
34953
34954
34955
34956
34957
34958
34959
34960
34961
34962
34963
34964
34965
34966
34967
34968
34969
34970
34971
34972
34973
34974
34975
34976
34977
34978
34979
34980
34981
34982
34983
34984
34985
34986
34987
34988
34989
34990
34991
34992
34993
34994
34995
34996
34997
34998
34999
35000
35001
35002
35003
35004
35005
35006
35007
35008
35009
35010
35011
35012
35013
35014
35015
35016
35017
35018
35019
35020
35021
35022
35023
35024
35025
35026
35027
35028
35029
35030
35031
35032
35033
35034
35035
35036
35037
35038
35039
35040
35041
35042
35043
35044
35045
35046
35047
35048
35049
35050
35051
35052
35053
35054
35055
35056
35057
35058
35059
35060
35061
35062
35063
35064
35065
35066
35067
35068
35069
35070
35071
35072
35073
35074
35075
35076
35077
35078
35079
35080
35081
35082
35083
35084
35085
35086
35087
35088
35089
35090
35091
35092
35093
35094
35095
35096
35097
35098
35099
35100
35101
35102
35103
35104
35105
35106
35107
35108
35109
35110
35111
35112
35113
35114
35115
35116
35117
35118
35119
35120
35121
35122
35123
35124
35125
35126
35127
35128
35129
35130
35131
35132
35133
35134
35135
35136
35137
35138
35139
35140
35141
35142
35143
35144
35145
35146
35147
35148
35149
35150
35151
35152
35153
35154
35155
35156
35157
35158
35159
35160
35161
35162
35163
35164
35165
35166
35167
35168
35169
35170
35171
35172
35173
35174
35175
35176
35177
35178
35179
35180
35181
35182
35183
35184
35185
35186
35187
35188
35189
35190
35191
35192
35193
35194
35195
35196
35197
35198
35199
35200
35201
35202
35203
35204
35205
35206
35207
35208
35209
35210
35211
35212
35213
35214
35215
35216
35217
35218
35219
35220
35221
35222
35223
35224
35225
35226
35227
35228
35229
35230
35231
35232
35233
35234
35235
35236
35237
35238
35239
35240
35241
35242
35243
35244
35245
35246
35247
35248
35249
35250
35251
35252
35253
35254
35255
35256
35257
35258
35259
35260
35261
35262
35263
35264
35265
35266
35267
35268
35269
35270
35271
35272
35273
35274
35275
35276
35277
35278
35279
35280
35281
35282
35283
35284
35285
35286
35287
35288
35289
35290
35291
35292
35293
35294
35295
35296
35297
35298
35299
35300
35301
35302
35303
35304
35305
35306
35307
35308
35309
35310
35311
35312
35313
35314
35315
35316
35317
35318
35319
35320
35321
35322
35323
35324
35325
35326
35327
35328
35329
35330
35331
35332
35333
35334
35335
35336
35337
35338
35339
35340
35341
35342
35343
35344
35345
35346
35347
35348
35349
35350
35351
35352
35353
35354
35355
35356
35357
35358
35359
35360
35361
35362
35363
35364
35365
35366
35367
35368
35369
35370
35371
35372
35373
35374
35375
35376
35377
35378
35379
35380
35381
35382
35383
35384
35385
35386
35387
35388
35389
35390
35391
35392
35393
35394
35395
35396
35397
35398
35399
35400
35401
35402
35403
35404
35405
35406
35407
35408
35409
35410
35411
35412
35413
35414
35415
35416
35417
35418
35419
35420
35421
35422
35423
35424
35425
35426
35427
35428
35429
35430
35431
35432
35433
35434
35435
35436
35437
35438
35439
35440
35441
35442
35443
35444
35445
35446
35447
35448
35449
35450
35451
35452
35453
35454
35455
35456
35457
35458
35459
35460
35461
35462
35463
35464
35465
35466
35467
35468
35469
35470
35471
35472
35473
35474
35475
35476
35477
35478
35479
35480
35481
35482
35483
35484
35485
35486
35487
35488
35489
35490
35491
35492
35493
35494
35495
35496
35497
35498
35499
35500
35501
35502
35503
35504
35505
35506
35507
35508
35509
35510
35511
35512
35513
35514
35515
35516
35517
35518
35519
35520
35521
35522
35523
35524
35525
35526
35527
35528
35529
35530
35531
35532
35533
35534
35535
35536
35537
35538
35539
35540
35541
35542
35543
35544
35545
35546
35547
35548
35549
35550
35551
35552
35553
35554
35555
35556
35557
35558
35559
35560
35561
35562
35563
35564
35565
35566
35567
35568
35569
35570
35571
35572
35573
35574
35575
35576
35577
35578
35579
35580
35581
35582
35583
35584
35585
35586
35587
35588
35589
35590
35591
35592
35593
35594
35595
35596
35597
35598
35599
35600
35601
35602
35603
35604
35605
35606
35607
35608
35609
35610
35611
35612
35613
35614
35615
35616
35617
35618
35619
35620
35621
35622
35623
35624
35625
35626
35627
35628
35629
35630
35631
35632
35633
35634
35635
35636
35637
35638
35639
35640
35641
35642
35643
35644
35645
35646
35647
35648
35649
35650
35651
35652
35653
35654
35655
35656
35657
35658
35659
35660
35661
35662
35663
35664
35665
35666
35667
35668
35669
35670
35671
35672
35673
35674
35675
35676
35677
35678
35679
35680
35681
35682
35683
35684
35685
35686
35687
35688
35689
35690
35691
35692
35693
35694
35695
35696
35697
35698
35699
35700
35701
35702
35703
35704
35705
35706
35707
35708
35709
35710
35711
35712
35713
35714
35715
35716
35717
35718
35719
35720
35721
35722
35723
35724
35725
35726
35727
35728
35729
35730
35731
35732
35733
35734
35735
35736
35737
35738
35739
35740
35741
35742
35743
35744
35745
35746
35747
35748
35749
35750
35751
35752
35753
35754
35755
35756
35757
35758
35759
35760
35761
35762
35763
35764
35765
35766
35767
35768
35769
35770
35771
35772
35773
35774
35775
35776
35777
35778
35779
35780
35781
35782
35783
35784
35785
35786
35787
35788
35789
35790
35791
35792
35793
35794
35795
35796
35797
35798
35799
35800
35801
35802
35803
35804
35805
35806
35807
35808
35809
35810
35811
35812
35813
35814
35815
35816
35817
35818
35819
35820
35821
35822
35823
35824
35825
35826
35827
35828
35829
35830
35831
35832
35833
35834
35835
35836
35837
35838
35839
35840
35841
35842
35843
35844
35845
35846
35847
35848
35849
35850
35851
35852
35853
35854
35855
35856
35857
35858
35859
35860
35861
35862
35863
35864
35865
35866
35867
35868
35869
35870
35871
35872
35873
35874
35875
35876
35877
35878
35879
35880
35881
35882
35883
35884
35885
35886
35887
35888
35889
35890
35891
35892
35893
35894
35895
35896
35897
35898
35899
35900
35901
35902
35903
35904
35905
35906
35907
35908
35909
35910
35911
35912
35913
35914
35915
35916
35917
35918
35919
35920
35921
35922
35923
35924
35925
35926
35927
35928
35929
35930
35931
35932
35933
35934
35935
35936
35937
35938
35939
35940
35941
35942
35943
35944
35945
35946
35947
35948
35949
35950
35951
35952
35953
35954
35955
35956
35957
35958
35959
35960
35961
35962
35963
35964
35965
35966
35967
35968
35969
35970
35971
35972
35973
35974
35975
35976
35977
35978
35979
35980
35981
35982
35983
35984
35985
35986
35987
35988
35989
35990
35991
35992
35993
35994
35995
35996
35997
35998
35999
36000
36001
36002
36003
36004
36005
36006
36007
36008
36009
36010
36011
36012
36013
36014
36015
36016
36017
36018
36019
36020
36021
36022
36023
36024
36025
36026
36027
36028
36029
36030
36031
36032
36033
36034
36035
36036
36037
36038
36039
36040
36041
36042
36043
36044
36045
36046
36047
36048
36049
36050
36051
36052
36053
36054
36055
36056
36057
36058
36059
36060
36061
36062
36063
36064
36065
36066
36067
36068
36069
36070
36071
36072
36073
36074
36075
36076
36077
36078
36079
36080
36081
36082
36083
36084
36085
36086
36087
36088
36089
36090
36091
36092
36093
36094
36095
36096
36097
36098
36099
36100
36101
36102
36103
36104
36105
36106
36107
36108
36109
36110
36111
36112
36113
36114
36115
36116
36117
36118
36119
36120
36121
36122
36123
36124
36125
36126
36127
36128
36129
36130
36131
36132
36133
36134
36135
36136
36137
36138
36139
36140
36141
36142
36143
36144
36145
36146
36147
36148
36149
36150
36151
36152
36153
36154
36155
36156
36157
36158
36159
36160
36161
36162
36163
36164
36165
36166
36167
36168
36169
36170
36171
36172
36173
36174
36175
36176
36177
36178
36179
36180
36181
36182
36183
36184
36185
36186
36187
36188
36189
36190
36191
36192
36193
36194
36195
36196
36197
36198
36199
36200
36201
36202
36203
36204
36205
36206
36207
36208
36209
36210
36211
36212
36213
36214
36215
36216
36217
36218
36219
36220
36221
36222
36223
36224
36225
36226
36227
36228
36229
36230
36231
36232
36233
36234
36235
36236
36237
36238
36239
36240
36241
36242
36243
36244
36245
36246
36247
36248
36249
36250
36251
36252
36253
36254
36255
36256
36257
36258
36259
36260
36261
36262
36263
36264
36265
36266
36267
36268
36269
36270
36271
36272
36273
36274
36275
36276
36277
36278
36279
36280
36281
36282
36283
36284
36285
36286
36287
36288
36289
36290
36291
36292
36293
36294
36295
36296
36297
36298
36299
36300
36301
36302
36303
36304
36305
36306
36307
36308
36309
36310
36311
36312
36313
36314
36315
36316
36317
36318
36319
36320
36321
36322
36323
36324
36325
36326
36327
36328
36329
36330
36331
36332
36333
36334
36335
36336
36337
36338
36339
36340
36341
36342
36343
36344
36345
36346
36347
36348
36349
36350
36351
36352
36353
36354
36355
36356
36357
36358
36359
36360
36361
36362
36363
36364
36365
36366
36367
36368
36369
36370
36371
36372
36373
36374
36375
36376
36377
36378
36379
36380
36381
36382
36383
36384
36385
36386
36387
36388
36389
36390
36391
36392
36393
36394
36395
36396
36397
36398
36399
36400
36401
36402
36403
36404
36405
36406
36407
36408
36409
36410
36411
36412
36413
36414
36415
36416
36417
36418
36419
36420
36421
36422
36423
36424
36425
36426
36427
36428
36429
36430
36431
36432
36433
36434
36435
36436
36437
36438
36439
36440
36441
36442
36443
36444
36445
36446
36447
36448
36449
36450
36451
36452
36453
36454
36455
36456
36457
36458
36459
36460
36461
36462
36463
36464
36465
36466
36467
36468
36469
36470
36471
36472
36473
36474
36475
36476
36477
36478
36479
36480
36481
36482
36483
36484
36485
36486
36487
36488
36489
36490
36491
36492
36493
36494
36495
36496
36497
36498
36499
36500
36501
36502
36503
36504
36505
36506
36507
36508
36509
36510
36511
36512
36513
36514
36515
36516
36517
36518
36519
36520
36521
36522
36523
36524
36525
36526
36527
36528
36529
36530
36531
36532
36533
36534
36535
36536
36537
36538
36539
36540
36541
36542
36543
36544
36545
36546
36547
36548
36549
36550
36551
36552
36553
36554
36555
36556
36557
36558
36559
36560
36561
36562
36563
36564
36565
36566
36567
36568
36569
36570
36571
36572
36573
36574
36575
36576
36577
36578
36579
36580
36581
36582
36583
36584
36585
36586
36587
36588
36589
36590
36591
36592
36593
36594
36595
36596
36597
36598
36599
36600
36601
36602
36603
36604
36605
36606
36607
36608
36609
36610
36611
36612
36613
36614
36615
36616
36617
36618
36619
36620
36621
36622
36623
36624
36625
36626
36627
36628
36629
36630
36631
36632
36633
36634
36635
36636
36637
36638
36639
36640
36641
36642
36643
36644
36645
36646
36647
36648
36649
36650
36651
36652
36653
36654
36655
36656
36657
36658
36659
36660
36661
36662
36663
36664
36665
36666
36667
36668
36669
36670
36671
36672
36673
36674
36675
36676
36677
36678
36679
36680
36681
36682
36683
36684
36685
36686
36687
36688
36689
36690
36691
36692
36693
36694
36695
36696
36697
36698
36699
36700
36701
36702
36703
36704
36705
36706
36707
36708
36709
36710
36711
36712
36713
36714
36715
36716
36717
36718
36719
36720
36721
36722
36723
36724
36725
36726
36727
36728
36729
36730
36731
36732
36733
36734
36735
36736
36737
36738
36739
36740
36741
36742
36743
36744
36745
36746
36747
36748
36749
36750
36751
36752
36753
36754
36755
36756
36757
36758
36759
36760
36761
36762
36763
36764
36765
36766
36767
36768
36769
36770
36771
36772
36773
36774
36775
36776
36777
36778
36779
36780
36781
36782
36783
36784
36785
36786
36787
36788
36789
36790
36791
36792
36793
36794
36795
36796
36797
36798
36799
36800
36801
36802
36803
36804
36805
36806
36807
36808
36809
36810
36811
36812
36813
36814
36815
36816
36817
36818
36819
36820
36821
36822
36823
36824
36825
36826
36827
36828
36829
36830
36831
36832
36833
36834
36835
36836
36837
36838
36839
36840
36841
36842
36843
36844
36845
36846
36847
36848
36849
36850
36851
36852
36853
36854
36855
36856
36857
36858
36859
36860
36861
36862
36863
36864
36865
36866
36867
36868
36869
36870
36871
36872
36873
36874
36875
36876
36877
36878
36879
36880
36881
36882
36883
36884
36885
36886
36887
36888
36889
36890
36891
36892
36893
36894
36895
36896
36897
36898
36899
36900
36901
36902
36903
36904
36905
36906
36907
36908
36909
36910
36911
36912
36913
36914
36915
36916
36917
36918
36919
36920
36921
36922
36923
36924
36925
36926
36927
36928
36929
36930
36931
36932
36933
36934
36935
36936
36937
36938
36939
36940
36941
36942
36943
36944
36945
36946
36947
36948
36949
36950
36951
36952
36953
36954
36955
36956
36957
36958
36959
36960
36961
36962
36963
36964
36965
36966
36967
36968
36969
36970
36971
36972
36973
36974
36975
36976
36977
36978
36979
36980
36981
36982
36983
36984
36985
36986
36987
36988
36989
36990
36991
36992
36993
36994
36995
36996
36997
36998
36999
37000
37001
37002
37003
37004
37005
37006
37007
37008
37009
37010
37011
37012
37013
37014
37015
37016
37017
37018
37019
37020
37021
37022
37023
37024
37025
37026
37027
37028
37029
37030
37031
37032
37033
37034
37035
37036
37037
37038
37039
37040
37041
37042
37043
37044
37045
37046
37047
37048
37049
37050
37051
37052
37053
37054
37055
37056
37057
37058
37059
37060
37061
37062
37063
37064
37065
37066
37067
37068
37069
37070
37071
37072
37073
37074
37075
37076
37077
37078
37079
37080
37081
37082
37083
37084
37085
37086
37087
37088
37089
37090
37091
37092
37093
37094
37095
37096
37097
37098
37099
37100
37101
37102
37103
37104
37105
37106
37107
37108
37109
37110
37111
37112
37113
37114
37115
37116
37117
37118
37119
37120
37121
37122
37123
37124
37125
37126
37127
37128
37129
37130
37131
37132
37133
37134
37135
37136
37137
37138
37139
37140
37141
37142
37143
37144
37145
37146
37147
37148
37149
37150
37151
37152
37153
37154
37155
37156
37157
37158
37159
37160
37161
37162
37163
37164
37165
37166
37167
37168
37169
37170
37171
37172
37173
37174
37175
37176
37177
37178
37179
37180
37181
37182
37183
37184
37185
37186
37187
37188
37189
37190
37191
37192
37193
37194
37195
37196
37197
37198
37199
37200
37201
37202
37203
37204
37205
37206
37207
37208
37209
37210
37211
37212
37213
37214
37215
37216
37217
37218
37219
37220
37221
37222
37223
37224
37225
37226
37227
37228
37229
37230
37231
37232
37233
37234
37235
37236
37237
37238
37239
37240
37241
37242
37243
37244
37245
37246
37247
37248
37249
37250
37251
37252
37253
37254
37255
37256
37257
37258
37259
37260
37261
37262
37263
37264
37265
37266
37267
37268
37269
37270
37271
37272
37273
37274
37275
37276
37277
37278
37279
37280
37281
37282
37283
37284
37285
37286
37287
37288
37289
37290
37291
37292
37293
37294
37295
37296
37297
37298
37299
37300
37301
37302
37303
37304
37305
37306
37307
37308
37309
37310
37311
37312
37313
37314
37315
37316
37317
37318
37319
37320
37321
37322
37323
37324
37325
37326
37327
37328
37329
37330
37331
37332
37333
37334
37335
37336
37337
37338
37339
37340
37341
37342
37343
37344
37345
37346
37347
37348
37349
37350
37351
37352
37353
37354
37355
37356
37357
37358
37359
37360
37361
37362
37363
37364
37365
37366
37367
37368
37369
37370
37371
37372
37373
37374
37375
37376
37377
37378
37379
37380
37381
37382
37383
37384
37385
37386
37387
37388
37389
37390
37391
37392
37393
37394
37395
37396
37397
37398
37399
37400
37401
37402
37403
37404
37405
37406
37407
37408
37409
37410
37411
37412
37413
37414
37415
37416
37417
37418
37419
37420
37421
37422
37423
37424
37425
37426
37427
37428
37429
37430
37431
37432
37433
37434
37435
37436
37437
37438
37439
37440
37441
37442
37443
37444
37445
37446
37447
37448
37449
37450
37451
37452
37453
37454
37455
37456
37457
37458
37459
37460
37461
37462
37463
37464
37465
37466
37467
37468
37469
37470
37471
37472
37473
37474
37475
37476
37477
37478
37479
37480
37481
37482
37483
37484
37485
37486
37487
37488
37489
37490
37491
37492
37493
37494
37495
37496
37497
37498
37499
37500
37501
37502
37503
37504
37505
37506
37507
37508
37509
37510
37511
37512
37513
37514
37515
37516
37517
37518
37519
37520
37521
37522
37523
37524
37525
37526
37527
37528
37529
37530
37531
37532
37533
37534
37535
37536
37537
37538
37539
37540
37541
37542
37543
37544
37545
37546
37547
37548
37549
37550
37551
37552
37553
37554
37555
37556
37557
37558
37559
37560
37561
37562
37563
37564
37565
37566
37567
37568
37569
37570
37571
37572
37573
37574
37575
37576
37577
37578
37579
37580
37581
37582
37583
37584
37585
37586
37587
37588
37589
37590
37591
37592
37593
37594
37595
37596
37597
37598
37599
37600
37601
37602
37603
37604
37605
37606
37607
37608
37609
37610
37611
37612
37613
37614
37615
37616
37617
37618
37619
37620
37621
37622
37623
37624
37625
37626
37627
37628
37629
37630
37631
37632
37633
37634
37635
37636
37637
37638
37639
37640
37641
37642
37643
37644
37645
37646
37647
37648
37649
37650
37651
37652
37653
37654
37655
37656
37657
37658
37659
37660
37661
37662
37663
37664
37665
37666
37667
37668
37669
37670
37671
37672
37673
37674
37675
37676
37677
37678
37679
37680
37681
37682
37683
37684
37685
37686
37687
37688
37689
37690
37691
37692
37693
37694
37695
37696
37697
37698
37699
37700
37701
37702
37703
37704
37705
37706
37707
37708
37709
37710
37711
37712
37713
37714
37715
37716
37717
37718
37719
37720
37721
37722
37723
37724
37725
37726
37727
37728
37729
37730
37731
37732
37733
37734
37735
37736
37737
37738
37739
37740
37741
37742
37743
37744
37745
37746
37747
37748
37749
37750
37751
37752
37753
37754
37755
37756
37757
37758
37759
37760
37761
37762
37763
37764
37765
37766
37767
37768
37769
37770
37771
37772
37773
37774
37775
37776
37777
37778
37779
37780
37781
37782
37783
37784
37785
37786
37787
37788
37789
37790
37791
37792
37793
37794
37795
37796
37797
37798
37799
37800
37801
37802
37803
37804
37805
37806
37807
37808
37809
37810
37811
37812
37813
37814
37815
37816
37817
37818
37819
37820
37821
37822
37823
37824
37825
37826
37827
37828
37829
37830
37831
37832
37833
37834
37835
37836
37837
37838
37839
37840
37841
37842
37843
37844
37845
37846
37847
37848
37849
37850
37851
37852
37853
37854
37855
37856
37857
37858
37859
37860
37861
37862
37863
37864
37865
37866
37867
37868
37869
37870
37871
37872
37873
37874
37875
37876
37877
37878
37879
37880
37881
37882
37883
37884
37885
37886
37887
37888
37889
37890
37891
37892
37893
37894
37895
37896
37897
37898
37899
37900
37901
37902
37903
37904
37905
37906
37907
37908
37909
37910
37911
37912
37913
37914
37915
37916
37917
37918
37919
37920
37921
37922
37923
37924
37925
37926
37927
37928
37929
37930
37931
37932
37933
37934
37935
37936
37937
37938
37939
37940
37941
37942
37943
37944
37945
37946
37947
37948
37949
37950
37951
37952
37953
37954
37955
37956
37957
37958
37959
37960
37961
37962
37963
37964
37965
37966
37967
37968
37969
37970
37971
37972
37973
37974
37975
37976
37977
37978
37979
37980
37981
37982
37983
37984
37985
37986
37987
37988
37989
37990
37991
37992
37993
37994
37995
37996
37997
37998
37999
38000
38001
38002
38003
38004
38005
38006
38007
38008
38009
38010
38011
38012
38013
38014
38015
38016
38017
38018
38019
38020
38021
38022
38023
38024
38025
38026
38027
38028
38029
38030
38031
38032
38033
38034
38035
38036
38037
38038
38039
38040
38041
38042
38043
38044
38045
38046
38047
38048
38049
38050
38051
38052
38053
38054
38055
38056
38057
38058
38059
38060
38061
38062
38063
38064
38065
38066
38067
38068
38069
38070
38071
38072
38073
38074
38075
38076
38077
38078
38079
38080
38081
38082
38083
38084
38085
38086
38087
38088
38089
38090
38091
38092
38093
38094
38095
38096
38097
38098
38099
38100
38101
38102
38103
38104
38105
38106
38107
38108
38109
38110
38111
38112
38113
38114
38115
38116
38117
38118
38119
38120
38121
38122
38123
38124
38125
38126
38127
38128
38129
38130
38131
38132
38133
38134
38135
38136
38137
38138
38139
38140
38141
38142
38143
38144
38145
38146
38147
38148
38149
38150
38151
38152
38153
38154
38155
38156
38157
38158
38159
38160
38161
38162
38163
38164
38165
38166
38167
38168
38169
38170
38171
38172
38173
38174
38175
38176
38177
38178
38179
38180
38181
38182
38183
38184
38185
38186
38187
38188
38189
38190
38191
38192
38193
38194
38195
38196
38197
38198
38199
38200
38201
38202
38203
38204
38205
38206
38207
38208
38209
38210
38211
38212
38213
38214
38215
38216
38217
38218
38219
38220
38221
38222
38223
38224
38225
38226
38227
38228
38229
38230
38231
38232
38233
38234
38235
38236
38237
38238
38239
38240
38241
38242
38243
38244
38245
38246
38247
38248
38249
38250
38251
38252
38253
38254
38255
38256
38257
38258
38259
38260
38261
38262
38263
38264
38265
38266
38267
38268
38269
38270
38271
38272
38273
38274
38275
38276
38277
38278
38279
38280
38281
38282
38283
38284
38285
38286
38287
38288
38289
38290
38291
38292
38293
38294
38295
38296
38297
38298
38299
38300
38301
38302
38303
38304
38305
38306
38307
38308
38309
38310
38311
38312
38313
38314
38315
38316
38317
38318
38319
38320
38321
38322
38323
38324
38325
38326
38327
38328
38329
38330
38331
38332
38333
38334
38335
38336
38337
38338
38339
38340
38341
38342
38343
38344
38345
38346
38347
38348
38349
38350
38351
38352
38353
38354
38355
38356
38357
38358
38359
38360
38361
38362
38363
38364
38365
38366
38367
38368
38369
38370
38371
38372
38373
38374
38375
38376
38377
38378
38379
38380
38381
38382
38383
38384
38385
38386
38387
38388
38389
38390
38391
38392
38393
38394
38395
38396
38397
38398
38399
38400
38401
38402
38403
38404
38405
38406
38407
38408
38409
38410
38411
38412
38413
38414
38415
38416
38417
38418
38419
38420
38421
38422
38423
38424
38425
38426
38427
38428
38429
38430
38431
38432
38433
38434
38435
38436
38437
38438
38439
38440
38441
38442
38443
38444
38445
38446
38447
38448
38449
38450
38451
38452
38453
38454
38455
38456
38457
38458
38459
38460
38461
38462
38463
38464
38465
38466
38467
38468
38469
38470
38471
38472
38473
38474
38475
38476
38477
38478
38479
38480
38481
38482
38483
38484
38485
38486
38487
38488
38489
38490
38491
38492
38493
38494
38495
38496
38497
38498
38499
38500
38501
38502
38503
38504
38505
38506
38507
38508
38509
38510
38511
38512
38513
38514
38515
38516
38517
38518
38519
38520
38521
38522
38523
38524
38525
38526
38527
38528
38529
38530
38531
38532
38533
38534
38535
38536
38537
38538
38539
38540
38541
38542
38543
38544
38545
38546
38547
38548
38549
38550
38551
38552
38553
38554
38555
38556
38557
38558
38559
38560
38561
38562
38563
38564
38565
38566
38567
38568
38569
38570
38571
38572
38573
38574
38575
38576
38577
38578
38579
38580
38581
38582
38583
38584
38585
38586
38587
38588
38589
38590
38591
38592
38593
38594
38595
38596
38597
38598
38599
38600
38601
38602
38603
38604
38605
38606
38607
38608
38609
38610
38611
38612
38613
38614
38615
38616
38617
38618
38619
38620
38621
38622
38623
38624
38625
38626
38627
38628
38629
38630
38631
38632
38633
38634
38635
38636
38637
38638
38639
38640
38641
38642
38643
38644
38645
38646
38647
38648
38649
38650
38651
38652
38653
38654
38655
38656
38657
38658
38659
38660
38661
38662
38663
38664
38665
38666
38667
38668
38669
38670
38671
38672
38673
38674
38675
38676
38677
38678
38679
38680
38681
38682
38683
38684
38685
38686
38687
38688
38689
38690
38691
38692
38693
38694
38695
38696
38697
38698
38699
38700
38701
38702
38703
38704
38705
38706
38707
38708
38709
38710
38711
38712
38713
38714
38715
38716
38717
38718
38719
38720
38721
38722
38723
38724
38725
38726
38727
38728
38729
38730
38731
38732
38733
38734
38735
38736
38737
38738
38739
38740
38741
38742
38743
38744
38745
38746
38747
38748
38749
38750
38751
38752
38753
38754
38755
38756
38757
38758
38759
38760
38761
38762
38763
38764
38765
38766
38767
38768
38769
38770
38771
38772
38773
38774
38775
38776
38777
38778
38779
38780
38781
38782
38783
38784
38785
38786
38787
38788
38789
38790
38791
38792
38793
38794
38795
38796
38797
38798
38799
38800
38801
38802
38803
38804
38805
38806
38807
38808
38809
38810
38811
38812
38813
38814
38815
38816
38817
38818
38819
38820
38821
38822
38823
38824
38825
38826
38827
38828
38829
38830
38831
38832
38833
38834
38835
38836
38837
38838
38839
38840
38841
38842
38843
38844
38845
38846
38847
38848
38849
38850
38851
38852
38853
38854
38855
38856
38857
38858
38859
38860
38861
38862
38863
38864
38865
38866
38867
38868
38869
38870
38871
38872
38873
38874
38875
38876
38877
38878
38879
38880
38881
38882
38883
38884
38885
38886
38887
38888
38889
38890
38891
38892
38893
38894
38895
38896
38897
38898
38899
38900
38901
38902
38903
38904
38905
38906
38907
38908
38909
38910
38911
38912
38913
38914
38915
38916
38917
38918
38919
38920
38921
38922
38923
38924
38925
38926
38927
38928
38929
38930
38931
38932
38933
38934
38935
38936
38937
38938
38939
38940
38941
38942
38943
38944
38945
38946
38947
38948
38949
38950
38951
38952
38953
38954
38955
38956
38957
38958
38959
38960
38961
38962
38963
38964
38965
38966
38967
38968
38969
38970
38971
38972
38973
38974
38975
38976
38977
38978
38979
38980
38981
38982
38983
38984
38985
38986
38987
38988
38989
38990
38991
38992
38993
38994
38995
38996
38997
38998
38999
39000
39001
39002
39003
39004
39005
39006
39007
39008
39009
39010
39011
39012
39013
39014
39015
39016
39017
39018
39019
39020
39021
39022
39023
39024
39025
39026
39027
39028
39029
39030
39031
39032
39033
39034
39035
39036
39037
39038
39039
39040
39041
39042
39043
39044
39045
39046
39047
39048
39049
39050
39051
39052
39053
39054
39055
39056
39057
39058
39059
39060
39061
39062
39063
39064
39065
39066
39067
39068
39069
39070
39071
39072
39073
39074
39075
39076
39077
39078
39079
39080
39081
39082
39083
39084
39085
39086
39087
39088
39089
39090
39091
39092
39093
39094
39095
39096
39097
39098
39099
39100
39101
39102
39103
39104
39105
39106
39107
39108
39109
39110
39111
39112
39113
39114
39115
39116
39117
39118
39119
39120
39121
39122
39123
39124
39125
39126
39127
39128
39129
39130
39131
39132
39133
39134
39135
39136
39137
39138
39139
39140
39141
39142
39143
39144
39145
39146
39147
39148
39149
39150
39151
39152
39153
39154
39155
39156
39157
39158
39159
39160
39161
39162
39163
39164
39165
39166
39167
39168
39169
39170
39171
39172
39173
39174
39175
39176
39177
39178
39179
39180
39181
39182
39183
39184
39185
39186
39187
39188
39189
39190
39191
39192
39193
39194
39195
39196
39197
39198
39199
39200
39201
39202
39203
39204
39205
39206
39207
39208
39209
39210
39211
39212
39213
39214
39215
39216
39217
39218
39219
39220
39221
39222
39223
39224
39225
39226
39227
39228
39229
39230
39231
39232
39233
39234
39235
39236
39237
39238
39239
39240
39241
39242
39243
39244
39245
39246
39247
39248
39249
39250
39251
39252
39253
39254
39255
39256
39257
39258
39259
39260
39261
39262
39263
39264
39265
39266
39267
39268
39269
39270
39271
39272
39273
39274
39275
39276
39277
39278
39279
39280
39281
39282
39283
39284
39285
39286
39287
39288
39289
39290
39291
39292
39293
39294
39295
39296
39297
39298
39299
39300
39301
39302
39303
39304
39305
39306
39307
39308
39309
39310
39311
39312
39313
39314
39315
39316
39317
39318
39319
39320
39321
39322
39323
39324
39325
39326
39327
39328
39329
39330
39331
39332
39333
39334
39335
39336
39337
39338
39339
39340
39341
39342
39343
39344
39345
39346
39347
39348
39349
39350
39351
39352
39353
39354
39355
39356
39357
39358
39359
39360
39361
39362
39363
39364
39365
39366
39367
39368
39369
39370
39371
39372
39373
39374
39375
39376
39377
39378
39379
39380
39381
39382
39383
39384
39385
39386
39387
39388
39389
39390
39391
39392
39393
39394
39395
39396
39397
39398
39399
39400
39401
39402
39403
39404
39405
39406
39407
39408
39409
39410
39411
39412
39413
39414
39415
39416
39417
39418
39419
39420
39421
39422
39423
39424
39425
39426
39427
39428
39429
39430
39431
39432
39433
39434
39435
39436
39437
39438
39439
39440
39441
39442
39443
39444
39445
39446
39447
39448
39449
39450
39451
39452
39453
39454
39455
39456
39457
39458
39459
39460
39461
39462
39463
39464
39465
39466
39467
39468
39469
39470
39471
39472
39473
39474
39475
39476
39477
39478
39479
39480
39481
39482
39483
39484
39485
39486
39487
39488
39489
39490
39491
39492
39493
39494
39495
39496
39497
39498
39499
39500
39501
39502
39503
39504
39505
39506
39507
39508
39509
39510
39511
39512
39513
39514
39515
39516
39517
39518
39519
39520
39521
39522
39523
39524
39525
39526
39527
39528
39529
39530
39531
39532
39533
39534
39535
39536
39537
39538
39539
39540
39541
39542
39543
39544
39545
39546
39547
39548
39549
39550
39551
39552
39553
39554
39555
39556
39557
39558
39559
39560
39561
39562
39563
39564
39565
39566
39567
39568
39569
39570
39571
39572
39573
39574
39575
39576
39577
39578
39579
39580
39581
39582
39583
39584
39585
39586
39587
39588
39589
39590
39591
39592
39593
39594
39595
39596
39597
39598
39599
39600
39601
39602
39603
39604
39605
39606
39607
39608
39609
39610
39611
39612
39613
39614
39615
39616
39617
39618
39619
39620
39621
39622
39623
39624
39625
39626
39627
39628
39629
39630
39631
39632
39633
39634
39635
39636
39637
39638
39639
39640
39641
39642
39643
39644
39645
39646
39647
39648
39649
39650
39651
39652
39653
39654
39655
39656
39657
39658
39659
39660
39661
39662
39663
39664
39665
39666
39667
39668
39669
39670
39671
39672
39673
39674
39675
39676
39677
39678
39679
39680
39681
39682
39683
39684
39685
39686
39687
39688
39689
39690
39691
39692
39693
39694
39695
39696
39697
39698
39699
39700
39701
39702
39703
39704
39705
39706
39707
39708
39709
39710
39711
39712
39713
39714
39715
39716
39717
39718
39719
39720
39721
39722
39723
39724
39725
39726
39727
39728
39729
39730
39731
39732
39733
39734
39735
39736
39737
39738
39739
39740
39741
39742
39743
39744
39745
39746
39747
39748
39749
39750
39751
39752
39753
39754
39755
39756
39757
39758
39759
39760
39761
39762
39763
39764
39765
39766
39767
39768
39769
39770
39771
39772
39773
39774
39775
39776
39777
39778
39779
39780
39781
39782
39783
39784
39785
39786
39787
39788
39789
39790
39791
39792
39793
39794
39795
39796
39797
39798
39799
39800
39801
39802
39803
39804
39805
39806
39807
39808
39809
39810
39811
39812
39813
39814
39815
39816
39817
39818
39819
39820
39821
39822
39823
39824
39825
39826
39827
39828
39829
39830
39831
39832
39833
39834
39835
39836
39837
39838
39839
39840
39841
39842
39843
39844
39845
39846
39847
39848
39849
39850
39851
39852
39853
39854
39855
39856
39857
39858
39859
39860
39861
39862
39863
39864
39865
39866
39867
39868
39869
39870
39871
39872
39873
39874
39875
39876
39877
39878
39879
39880
39881
39882
39883
39884
39885
39886
39887
39888
39889
39890
39891
39892
39893
39894
39895
39896
39897
39898
39899
39900
39901
39902
39903
39904
39905
39906
39907
39908
39909
39910
39911
39912
39913
39914
39915
39916
39917
39918
39919
39920
39921
39922
39923
39924
39925
39926
39927
39928
39929
39930
39931
39932
39933
39934
39935
39936
39937
39938
39939
39940
39941
39942
39943
39944
39945
39946
39947
39948
39949
39950
39951
39952
39953
39954
39955
39956
39957
39958
39959
39960
39961
39962
39963
39964
39965
39966
39967
39968
39969
39970
39971
39972
39973
39974
39975
39976
39977
39978
39979
39980
39981
39982
39983
39984
39985
39986
39987
39988
39989
39990
39991
39992
39993
39994
39995
39996
39997
39998
39999
40000
40001
40002
40003
40004
40005
40006
40007
40008
40009
40010
40011
40012
40013
40014
40015
40016
40017
40018
40019
40020
40021
40022
40023
40024
40025
40026
40027
40028
40029
40030
40031
40032
40033
40034
40035
40036
40037
40038
40039
40040
40041
40042
40043
40044
40045
40046
40047
40048
40049
40050
40051
40052
40053
40054
40055
40056
40057
40058
40059
40060
40061
40062
40063
40064
40065
40066
40067
40068
40069
40070
40071
40072
40073
40074
40075
40076
40077
40078
40079
40080
40081
40082
40083
40084
40085
40086
40087
40088
40089
40090
40091
40092
40093
40094
40095
40096
40097
40098
40099
40100
40101
40102
40103
40104
40105
40106
40107
40108
40109
40110
40111
40112
40113
40114
40115
40116
40117
40118
40119
40120
40121
40122
40123
40124
40125
40126
40127
40128
40129
40130
40131
40132
40133
40134
40135
40136
40137
40138
40139
40140
40141
40142
40143
40144
40145
40146
40147
40148
40149
40150
40151
40152
40153
40154
40155
40156
40157
40158
40159
40160
40161
40162
40163
40164
40165
40166
40167
40168
40169
40170
40171
40172
40173
40174
40175
40176
40177
40178
40179
40180
40181
40182
40183
40184
40185
40186
40187
40188
40189
40190
40191
40192
40193
40194
40195
40196
40197
40198
40199
40200
40201
40202
40203
40204
40205
40206
40207
40208
40209
40210
40211
40212
40213
40214
40215
40216
40217
40218
40219
40220
40221
40222
40223
40224
40225
40226
40227
40228
40229
40230
40231
40232
40233
40234
40235
40236
40237
40238
40239
40240
40241
40242
40243
40244
40245
40246
40247
40248
40249
40250
40251
40252
40253
40254
40255
40256
40257
40258
40259
40260
40261
40262
40263
40264
40265
40266
40267
40268
40269
40270
40271
40272
40273
40274
40275
40276
40277
40278
40279
40280
40281
40282
40283
40284
40285
40286
40287
40288
40289
40290
40291
40292
40293
40294
40295
40296
40297
40298
40299
40300
40301
40302
40303
40304
40305
40306
40307
40308
40309
40310
40311
40312
40313
40314
40315
40316
40317
40318
40319
40320
40321
40322
40323
40324
40325
40326
40327
40328
40329
40330
40331
40332
40333
40334
40335
40336
40337
40338
40339
40340
40341
40342
40343
40344
40345
40346
40347
40348
40349
40350
40351
40352
40353
40354
40355
40356
40357
40358
40359
40360
40361
40362
40363
40364
40365
40366
40367
40368
40369
40370
40371
40372
40373
40374
40375
40376
40377
40378
40379
40380
40381
40382
40383
40384
40385
40386
40387
40388
40389
40390
40391
40392
40393
40394
40395
40396
40397
40398
40399
40400
40401
40402
40403
40404
40405
40406
40407
40408
40409
40410
40411
40412
40413
40414
40415
40416
40417
40418
40419
40420
40421
40422
40423
40424
40425
40426
40427
40428
40429
40430
40431
40432
40433
40434
40435
40436
40437
40438
40439
40440
40441
40442
40443
40444
40445
40446
40447
40448
40449
40450
40451
40452
40453
40454
40455
40456
40457
40458
40459
40460
40461
40462
40463
40464
40465
40466
40467
40468
40469
40470
40471
40472
40473
40474
40475
40476
40477
40478
40479
40480
40481
40482
40483
40484
40485
40486
40487
40488
40489
40490
40491
40492
40493
40494
40495
40496
40497
40498
40499
40500
40501
40502
40503
40504
40505
40506
40507
40508
40509
40510
40511
40512
40513
40514
40515
40516
40517
40518
40519
40520
40521
40522
40523
40524
40525
40526
40527
40528
40529
40530
40531
40532
40533
40534
40535
40536
40537
40538
40539
40540
40541
40542
40543
40544
40545
40546
40547
40548
40549
40550
40551
40552
40553
40554
40555
40556
40557
40558
40559
40560
40561
40562
40563
40564
40565
40566
40567
40568
40569
40570
40571
40572
40573
40574
40575
40576
40577
40578
40579
40580
40581
40582
40583
40584
40585
40586
40587
40588
40589
40590
40591
40592
40593
40594
40595
40596
40597
40598
40599
40600
40601
40602
40603
40604
40605
40606
40607
40608
40609
40610
40611
40612
40613
40614
40615
40616
40617
40618
40619
40620
40621
40622
40623
40624
40625
40626
40627
40628
40629
40630
40631
40632
40633
40634
40635
40636
40637
40638
40639
40640
40641
40642
40643
40644
40645
40646
40647
40648
40649
40650
40651
40652
40653
40654
40655
40656
40657
40658
40659
40660
40661
40662
40663
40664
40665
40666
40667
40668
40669
40670
40671
40672
40673
40674
40675
40676
40677
40678
40679
40680
40681
40682
40683
40684
40685
40686
40687
40688
40689
40690
40691
40692
40693
40694
40695
40696
40697
40698
40699
40700
40701
40702
40703
40704
40705
40706
40707
40708
40709
40710
40711
40712
40713
40714
40715
40716
40717
40718
40719
40720
40721
40722
40723
40724
40725
40726
40727
40728
40729
40730
40731
40732
40733
40734
40735
40736
40737
40738
40739
40740
40741
40742
40743
40744
40745
40746
40747
40748
40749
40750
40751
40752
40753
40754
40755
40756
40757
40758
40759
40760
40761
40762
40763
40764
40765
40766
40767
40768
40769
40770
40771
40772
40773
40774
40775
40776
40777
40778
40779
40780
40781
40782
40783
40784
40785
40786
40787
40788
40789
40790
40791
40792
40793
40794
40795
40796
40797
40798
40799
40800
40801
40802
40803
40804
40805
40806
40807
40808
40809
40810
40811
40812
40813
40814
40815
40816
40817
40818
40819
40820
40821
40822
40823
40824
40825
40826
40827
40828
40829
40830
40831
40832
40833
40834
40835
40836
40837
40838
40839
40840
40841
40842
40843
40844
40845
40846
40847
40848
40849
40850
40851
40852
40853
40854
40855
40856
40857
40858
40859
40860
40861
40862
40863
40864
40865
40866
40867
40868
40869
40870
40871
40872
40873
40874
40875
40876
40877
40878
40879
40880
40881
40882
40883
40884
40885
40886
40887
40888
40889
40890
40891
40892
40893
40894
40895
40896
40897
40898
40899
40900
40901
40902
40903
40904
40905
40906
40907
40908
40909
40910
40911
40912
40913
40914
40915
40916
40917
40918
40919
40920
40921
40922
40923
40924
40925
40926
40927
40928
40929
40930
40931
40932
40933
40934
40935
40936
40937
40938
40939
40940
40941
40942
40943
40944
40945
40946
40947
40948
40949
40950
40951
40952
40953
40954
40955
40956
40957
40958
40959
40960
40961
40962
40963
40964
40965
40966
40967
40968
40969
40970
40971
40972
40973
40974
40975
40976
40977
40978
40979
40980
40981
40982
40983
40984
40985
40986
40987
40988
40989
40990
40991
40992
40993
40994
40995
40996
40997
40998
40999
41000
41001
41002
41003
41004
41005
41006
41007
41008
41009
41010
41011
41012
41013
41014
41015
41016
41017
41018
41019
41020
41021
41022
41023
41024
41025
41026
41027
41028
41029
41030
41031
41032
41033
41034
41035
41036
41037
41038
41039
41040
41041
41042
41043
41044
41045
41046
41047
41048
41049
41050
41051
41052
41053
41054
41055
41056
41057
41058
41059
41060
41061
41062
41063
41064
41065
41066
41067
41068
41069
41070
41071
41072
41073
41074
41075
41076
41077
41078
41079
41080
41081
41082
41083
41084
41085
41086
41087
41088
41089
41090
41091
41092
41093
41094
41095
41096
41097
41098
41099
41100
41101
41102
41103
41104
41105
41106
41107
41108
41109
41110
41111
41112
41113
41114
41115
41116
41117
41118
41119
41120
41121
41122
41123
41124
41125
41126
41127
41128
41129
41130
41131
41132
41133
41134
41135
41136
41137
41138
41139
41140
41141
41142
41143
41144
41145
41146
41147
41148
41149
41150
41151
41152
41153
41154
41155
41156
41157
41158
41159
41160
41161
41162
41163
41164
41165
41166
41167
41168
41169
41170
41171
41172
41173
41174
41175
41176
41177
41178
41179
41180
41181
41182
41183
41184
41185
41186
41187
41188
41189
41190
41191
41192
41193
41194
41195
41196
41197
41198
41199
41200
41201
41202
41203
41204
41205
41206
41207
41208
41209
41210
41211
41212
41213
41214
41215
41216
41217
41218
41219
41220
41221
41222
41223
41224
41225
41226
41227
41228
41229
41230
41231
41232
41233
41234
41235
41236
41237
41238
41239
41240
41241
41242
41243
41244
41245
41246
41247
41248
41249
41250
41251
41252
41253
41254
41255
41256
41257
41258
41259
41260
41261
41262
41263
41264
41265
41266
41267
41268
41269
41270
41271
41272
41273
41274
41275
41276
41277
41278
41279
41280
41281
41282
41283
41284
41285
41286
41287
41288
41289
41290
41291
41292
41293
41294
41295
41296
41297
41298
41299
41300
41301
41302
41303
41304
41305
41306
41307
41308
41309
41310
41311
41312
41313
41314
41315
41316
41317
41318
41319
41320
41321
41322
41323
41324
41325
41326
41327
41328
41329
41330
41331
41332
41333
41334
41335
41336
41337
41338
41339
41340
41341
41342
41343
41344
41345
41346
41347
41348
41349
41350
41351
41352
41353
41354
41355
41356
41357
41358
41359
41360
41361
41362
41363
41364
41365
41366
41367
41368
41369
41370
41371
41372
41373
41374
41375
41376
41377
41378
41379
41380
41381
41382
41383
41384
41385
41386
41387
41388
41389
41390
41391
41392
41393
41394
41395
41396
41397
41398
41399
41400
41401
41402
41403
41404
41405
41406
41407
41408
41409
41410
41411
41412
41413
41414
41415
41416
41417
41418
41419
41420
41421
41422
41423
41424
41425
41426
41427
41428
41429
41430
41431
41432
41433
41434
41435
41436
41437
41438
41439
41440
41441
41442
41443
41444
41445
41446
41447
41448
41449
41450
41451
41452
41453
41454
41455
41456
41457
41458
41459
41460
41461
41462
41463
41464
41465
41466
41467
41468
41469
41470
41471
41472
41473
41474
41475
41476
41477
41478
41479
41480
41481
41482
41483
41484
41485
41486
41487
41488
41489
41490
41491
41492
41493
41494
41495
41496
41497
41498
41499
41500
41501
41502
41503
41504
41505
41506
41507
41508
41509
41510
41511
41512
41513
41514
41515
41516
41517
41518
41519
41520
41521
41522
41523
41524
41525
41526
41527
41528
41529
41530
41531
41532
41533
41534
41535
41536
41537
41538
41539
41540
41541
41542
41543
41544
41545
41546
41547
41548
41549
41550
41551
41552
41553
41554
41555
41556
41557
41558
41559
41560
41561
41562
41563
41564
41565
41566
41567
41568
41569
41570
41571
41572
41573
41574
41575
41576
41577
41578
41579
41580
41581
41582
41583
41584
41585
41586
41587
41588
41589
41590
41591
41592
41593
41594
41595
41596
41597
41598
41599
41600
41601
41602
41603
41604
41605
41606
41607
41608
41609
41610
41611
41612
41613
41614
41615
41616
41617
41618
41619
41620
41621
41622
41623
41624
41625
41626
41627
41628
41629
41630
41631
41632
41633
41634
41635
41636
41637
41638
41639
41640
41641
41642
41643
41644
41645
41646
41647
41648
41649
41650
41651
41652
41653
41654
41655
41656
41657
41658
41659
41660
41661
41662
41663
41664
41665
41666
41667
41668
41669
41670
41671
41672
41673
41674
41675
41676
41677
41678
41679
41680
41681
41682
41683
41684
41685
41686
41687
41688
41689
41690
41691
41692
41693
41694
41695
41696
41697
41698
41699
41700
41701
41702
41703
41704
41705
41706
41707
41708
41709
41710
41711
41712
41713
41714
41715
41716
41717
41718
41719
41720
41721
41722
41723
41724
41725
41726
41727
41728
41729
41730
41731
41732
41733
41734
41735
41736
41737
41738
41739
41740
41741
41742
41743
41744
41745
41746
41747
41748
41749
41750
41751
41752
41753
41754
41755
41756
41757
41758
41759
41760
41761
41762
41763
41764
41765
41766
41767
41768
41769
41770
41771
41772
41773
41774
41775
41776
41777
41778
41779
41780
41781
41782
41783
41784
41785
41786
41787
41788
41789
41790
41791
41792
41793
41794
41795
41796
41797
41798
41799
41800
41801
41802
41803
41804
41805
41806
41807
41808
41809
41810
41811
41812
41813
41814
41815
41816
41817
41818
41819
41820
41821
41822
41823
41824
41825
41826
41827
41828
41829
41830
41831
41832
41833
41834
41835
41836
41837
41838
41839
41840
41841
41842
41843
41844
41845
41846
41847
41848
41849
41850
41851
41852
41853
41854
41855
41856
41857
41858
41859
41860
41861
41862
41863
41864
41865
41866
41867
41868
41869
41870
41871
41872
41873
41874
41875
41876
41877
41878
41879
41880
41881
41882
41883
41884
41885
41886
41887
41888
41889
41890
41891
41892
41893
41894
41895
41896
41897
41898
41899
41900
41901
41902
41903
41904
41905
41906
41907
41908
41909
41910
41911
41912
41913
41914
41915
41916
41917
41918
41919
41920
41921
41922
41923
41924
41925
41926
41927
41928
41929
41930
41931
41932
41933
41934
41935
41936
41937
41938
41939
41940
41941
41942
41943
41944
41945
41946
41947
41948
41949
41950
41951
41952
41953
41954
41955
41956
41957
41958
41959
41960
41961
41962
41963
41964
41965
41966
41967
41968
41969
41970
41971
41972
41973
41974
41975
41976
41977
41978
41979
41980
41981
41982
41983
41984
41985
41986
41987
41988
41989
41990
41991
41992
41993
41994
41995
41996
41997
41998
41999
42000
42001
42002
42003
42004
42005
42006
42007
42008
42009
42010
42011
42012
42013
42014
42015
42016
42017
42018
42019
42020
42021
42022
42023
42024
42025
42026
42027
42028
42029
42030
42031
42032
42033
42034
42035
42036
42037
42038
42039
42040
42041
42042
42043
42044
42045
42046
42047
42048
42049
42050
42051
42052
42053
42054
42055
42056
42057
42058
42059
42060
42061
42062
42063
42064
42065
42066
42067
42068
42069
42070
42071
42072
42073
42074
42075
42076
42077
42078
42079
42080
42081
42082
42083
42084
42085
42086
42087
42088
42089
42090
42091
42092
42093
42094
42095
42096
42097
42098
42099
42100
42101
42102
42103
42104
42105
42106
42107
42108
42109
42110
42111
42112
42113
42114
42115
42116
42117
42118
42119
42120
42121
42122
42123
42124
42125
42126
42127
42128
42129
42130
42131
42132
42133
42134
42135
42136
42137
42138
42139
42140
42141
42142
42143
42144
42145
42146
42147
42148
42149
42150
42151
42152
42153
42154
42155
42156
42157
42158
42159
42160
42161
42162
42163
42164
42165
42166
42167
42168
42169
42170
42171
42172
42173
42174
42175
42176
42177
42178
42179
42180
42181
42182
42183
42184
42185
42186
42187
42188
42189
42190
42191
42192
42193
42194
42195
42196
42197
42198
42199
42200
42201
42202
42203
42204
42205
42206
42207
42208
42209
42210
42211
42212
42213
42214
42215
42216
42217
42218
42219
42220
42221
42222
42223
42224
42225
42226
42227
42228
42229
42230
42231
42232
42233
42234
42235
42236
42237
42238
42239
42240
42241
42242
42243
42244
42245
42246
42247
42248
42249
42250
42251
42252
42253
42254
42255
42256
42257
42258
42259
42260
42261
42262
42263
42264
42265
42266
42267
42268
42269
42270
42271
42272
42273
42274
42275
42276
42277
42278
42279
42280
42281
42282
42283
42284
42285
42286
42287
42288
42289
42290
42291
42292
42293
42294
42295
42296
42297
42298
42299
42300
42301
42302
42303
42304
42305
42306
42307
42308
42309
42310
42311
42312
42313
42314
42315
42316
42317
42318
42319
42320
42321
42322
42323
42324
42325
42326
42327
42328
42329
42330
42331
42332
42333
42334
42335
42336
42337
42338
42339
42340
42341
42342
42343
42344
42345
42346
42347
42348
42349
42350
42351
42352
42353
42354
42355
42356
42357
42358
42359
42360
42361
42362
42363
42364
42365
42366
42367
42368
42369
42370
42371
42372
42373
42374
42375
42376
42377
42378
42379
42380
42381
42382
42383
42384
42385
42386
42387
42388
42389
42390
42391
42392
42393
42394
42395
42396
42397
42398
42399
42400
42401
42402
42403
42404
42405
42406
42407
42408
42409
42410
42411
42412
42413
42414
42415
42416
42417
42418
42419
42420
42421
42422
42423
42424
42425
42426
42427
42428
42429
42430
42431
42432
42433
42434
42435
42436
42437
42438
42439
42440
42441
42442
42443
42444
42445
42446
42447
42448
42449
42450
42451
42452
42453
42454
42455
42456
42457
42458
42459
42460
42461
42462
42463
42464
42465
42466
42467
42468
42469
42470
42471
42472
42473
42474
42475
42476
42477
42478
42479
42480
42481
42482
42483
42484
42485
42486
42487
42488
42489
42490
42491
42492
42493
42494
42495
42496
42497
42498
42499
42500
42501
42502
42503
42504
42505
42506
42507
42508
42509
42510
42511
42512
42513
42514
42515
42516
42517
42518
42519
42520
42521
42522
42523
42524
42525
42526
42527
42528
42529
42530
42531
42532
42533
42534
42535
42536
42537
42538
42539
42540
42541
42542
42543
42544
42545
42546
42547
42548
42549
42550
42551
42552
42553
42554
42555
42556
42557
42558
42559
42560
42561
42562
42563
42564
42565
42566
42567
42568
42569
42570
42571
42572
42573
42574
42575
42576
42577
42578
42579
42580
42581
42582
42583
42584
42585
42586
42587
42588
42589
42590
42591
42592
42593
42594
42595
42596
42597
42598
42599
42600
42601
42602
42603
42604
42605
42606
42607
42608
42609
42610
42611
42612
42613
42614
42615
42616
42617
42618
42619
42620
42621
42622
42623
42624
42625
42626
42627
42628
42629
42630
42631
42632
42633
42634
42635
42636
42637
42638
42639
42640
42641
42642
42643
42644
42645
42646
42647
42648
42649
42650
42651
42652
42653
42654
42655
42656
42657
42658
42659
42660
42661
42662
42663
42664
42665
42666
42667
42668
42669
42670
42671
42672
42673
42674
42675
42676
42677
42678
42679
42680
42681
42682
42683
42684
42685
42686
42687
42688
42689
42690
42691
42692
42693
42694
42695
42696
42697
42698
42699
42700
42701
42702
42703
42704
42705
42706
42707
42708
42709
42710
42711
42712
42713
42714
42715
42716
42717
42718
42719
42720
42721
42722
42723
42724
42725
42726
42727
42728
42729
42730
42731
42732
42733
42734
42735
42736
42737
42738
42739
42740
42741
42742
42743
42744
42745
42746
42747
42748
42749
42750
42751
42752
42753
42754
42755
42756
42757
42758
42759
42760
42761
42762
42763
42764
42765
42766
42767
42768
42769
42770
42771
42772
42773
42774
42775
42776
42777
42778
42779
42780
42781
42782
42783
42784
42785
42786
42787
42788
42789
42790
42791
42792
42793
42794
42795
42796
42797
42798
42799
42800
42801
42802
42803
42804
42805
42806
42807
42808
42809
42810
42811
42812
42813
42814
42815
42816
42817
42818
42819
42820
42821
42822
42823
42824
42825
42826
42827
42828
42829
42830
42831
42832
42833
42834
42835
42836
42837
42838
42839
42840
42841
42842
42843
42844
42845
42846
42847
42848
42849
42850
42851
42852
42853
42854
42855
42856
42857
42858
42859
42860
42861
42862
42863
42864
42865
42866
42867
42868
42869
42870
42871
42872
42873
42874
42875
42876
42877
42878
42879
42880
42881
42882
42883
42884
42885
42886
42887
42888
42889
42890
42891
42892
42893
42894
42895
42896
42897
42898
42899
42900
42901
42902
42903
42904
42905
42906
42907
42908
42909
42910
42911
42912
42913
42914
42915
42916
42917
42918
42919
42920
42921
42922
42923
42924
42925
42926
42927
42928
42929
42930
42931
42932
42933
42934
42935
42936
42937
42938
42939
42940
42941
42942
42943
42944
42945
42946
42947
42948
42949
42950
42951
42952
42953
42954
42955
42956
42957
42958
42959
42960
42961
42962
42963
42964
42965
42966
42967
42968
42969
42970
42971
42972
42973
42974
42975
42976
42977
42978
42979
42980
42981
42982
42983
42984
42985
42986
42987
42988
42989
42990
42991
42992
42993
42994
42995
42996
42997
42998
42999
43000
43001
43002
43003
43004
43005
43006
43007
43008
43009
43010
43011
43012
43013
43014
43015
43016
43017
43018
43019
43020
43021
43022
43023
43024
43025
43026
43027
43028
43029
43030
43031
43032
43033
43034
43035
43036
43037
43038
43039
43040
43041
43042
43043
43044
43045
43046
43047
43048
43049
43050
43051
43052
43053
43054
43055
43056
43057
43058
43059
43060
43061
43062
43063
43064
43065
43066
43067
43068
43069
43070
43071
43072
43073
43074
43075
43076
43077
43078
43079
43080
43081
43082
43083
43084
43085
43086
43087
43088
43089
43090
43091
43092
43093
43094
43095
43096
43097
43098
43099
43100
43101
43102
43103
43104
43105
43106
43107
43108
43109
43110
43111
43112
43113
43114
43115
43116
43117
43118
43119
43120
43121
43122
43123
43124
43125
43126
43127
43128
43129
43130
43131
43132
43133
43134
43135
43136
43137
43138
43139
43140
43141
43142
43143
43144
43145
43146
43147
43148
43149
43150
43151
43152
43153
43154
43155
43156
43157
43158
43159
43160
43161
43162
43163
43164
43165
43166
43167
43168
43169
43170
43171
43172
43173
43174
43175
43176
43177
43178
43179
43180
43181
43182
43183
43184
43185
43186
43187
43188
43189
43190
43191
43192
43193
43194
43195
43196
43197
43198
43199
43200
43201
43202
43203
43204
43205
43206
43207
43208
43209
43210
43211
43212
43213
43214
43215
43216
43217
43218
43219
43220
43221
43222
43223
43224
43225
43226
43227
43228
43229
43230
43231
43232
43233
43234
43235
43236
43237
43238
43239
43240
43241
43242
43243
43244
43245
43246
43247
43248
43249
43250
43251
43252
43253
43254
43255
43256
43257
43258
43259
43260
43261
43262
43263
43264
43265
43266
43267
43268
43269
43270
43271
43272
43273
43274
43275
43276
43277
43278
43279
43280
43281
43282
43283
43284
43285
43286
43287
43288
43289
43290
43291
43292
43293
43294
43295
43296
43297
43298
43299
43300
43301
43302
43303
43304
43305
43306
43307
43308
43309
43310
43311
43312
43313
43314
43315
43316
43317
43318
43319
43320
43321
43322
43323
43324
43325
43326
43327
43328
43329
43330
43331
43332
43333
43334
43335
43336
43337
43338
43339
43340
43341
43342
43343
43344
43345
43346
43347
43348
43349
43350
43351
43352
43353
43354
43355
43356
43357
43358
43359
43360
43361
43362
43363
43364
43365
43366
43367
43368
43369
43370
43371
43372
43373
43374
43375
43376
43377
43378
43379
43380
43381
43382
43383
43384
43385
43386
43387
43388
43389
43390
43391
43392
43393
43394
43395
43396
43397
43398
43399
43400
43401
43402
43403
43404
43405
43406
43407
43408
43409
43410
43411
43412
43413
43414
43415
43416
43417
43418
43419
43420
43421
43422
43423
43424
43425
43426
43427
43428
43429
43430
43431
43432
43433
43434
43435
43436
43437
43438
43439
43440
43441
43442
43443
43444
43445
43446
43447
43448
43449
43450
43451
43452
43453
43454
43455
43456
43457
43458
43459
43460
43461
43462
43463
43464
43465
43466
43467
43468
43469
43470
43471
43472
43473
43474
43475
43476
43477
43478
43479
43480
43481
43482
43483
43484
43485
43486
43487
43488
43489
43490
43491
43492
43493
43494
43495
43496
43497
43498
43499
43500
43501
43502
43503
43504
43505
43506
43507
43508
43509
43510
43511
43512
43513
43514
43515
43516
43517
43518
43519
43520
43521
43522
43523
43524
43525
43526
43527
43528
43529
43530
43531
43532
43533
43534
43535
43536
43537
43538
43539
43540
43541
43542
43543
43544
43545
43546
43547
43548
43549
43550
43551
43552
43553
43554
43555
43556
43557
43558
43559
43560
43561
43562
43563
43564
43565
43566
43567
43568
43569
43570
43571
43572
43573
43574
43575
43576
43577
43578
43579
43580
43581
43582
43583
43584
43585
43586
43587
43588
43589
43590
43591
43592
43593
43594
43595
43596
43597
43598
43599
43600
43601
43602
43603
43604
43605
43606
43607
43608
43609
43610
43611
43612
43613
43614
43615
43616
43617
43618
43619
43620
43621
43622
43623
43624
43625
43626
43627
43628
43629
43630
43631
43632
43633
43634
43635
43636
43637
43638
43639
43640
43641
43642
43643
43644
43645
43646
43647
43648
43649
43650
43651
43652
43653
43654
43655
43656
43657
43658
43659
43660
43661
43662
43663
43664
43665
43666
43667
43668
43669
43670
43671
43672
43673
43674
43675
43676
43677
43678
43679
43680
43681
43682
43683
43684
43685
43686
43687
43688
43689
43690
43691
43692
43693
43694
43695
43696
43697
43698
43699
43700
43701
43702
43703
43704
43705
43706
43707
43708
43709
43710
43711
43712
43713
43714
43715
43716
43717
43718
43719
43720
43721
43722
43723
43724
43725
43726
43727
43728
43729
43730
43731
43732
43733
43734
43735
43736
43737
43738
43739
43740
43741
43742
43743
43744
43745
43746
43747
43748
43749
43750
43751
43752
43753
43754
43755
43756
43757
43758
43759
43760
43761
43762
43763
43764
43765
43766
43767
43768
43769
43770
43771
43772
43773
43774
43775
43776
43777
43778
43779
43780
43781
43782
43783
43784
43785
43786
43787
43788
43789
43790
43791
43792
43793
43794
43795
43796
43797
43798
43799
43800
43801
43802
43803
43804
43805
43806
43807
43808
43809
43810
43811
43812
43813
43814
43815
43816
43817
43818
43819
43820
43821
43822
43823
43824
43825
43826
43827
43828
43829
43830
43831
43832
43833
43834
43835
43836
43837
43838
43839
43840
43841
43842
43843
43844
43845
43846
43847
43848
43849
43850
43851
43852
43853
43854
43855
43856
43857
43858
43859
43860
43861
43862
43863
43864
43865
43866
43867
43868
43869
43870
43871
43872
43873
43874
43875
43876
43877
43878
43879
43880
43881
43882
43883
43884
43885
43886
43887
43888
43889
43890
43891
43892
43893
43894
43895
43896
43897
43898
43899
43900
43901
43902
43903
43904
43905
43906
43907
43908
43909
43910
43911
43912
43913
43914
43915
43916
43917
43918
43919
43920
43921
43922
43923
43924
43925
43926
43927
43928
43929
43930
43931
43932
43933
43934
43935
43936
43937
43938
43939
43940
43941
43942
43943
43944
43945
43946
43947
43948
43949
43950
43951
43952
43953
43954
43955
43956
43957
43958
43959
43960
43961
43962
43963
43964
43965
43966
43967
43968
43969
43970
43971
43972
43973
43974
43975
43976
43977
43978
43979
43980
43981
43982
43983
43984
43985
43986
43987
43988
43989
43990
43991
43992
43993
43994
43995
43996
43997
43998
43999
44000
44001
44002
44003
44004
44005
44006
44007
44008
44009
44010
44011
44012
44013
44014
44015
44016
44017
44018
44019
44020
44021
44022
44023
44024
44025
44026
44027
44028
44029
44030
44031
44032
44033
44034
44035
44036
44037
44038
44039
44040
44041
44042
44043
44044
44045
44046
44047
44048
44049
44050
44051
44052
44053
44054
44055
44056
44057
44058
44059
44060
44061
44062
44063
44064
44065
44066
44067
44068
44069
44070
44071
44072
44073
44074
44075
44076
44077
44078
44079
44080
44081
44082
44083
44084
44085
44086
44087
44088
44089
44090
44091
44092
44093
44094
44095
44096
44097
44098
44099
44100
44101
44102
44103
44104
44105
44106
44107
44108
44109
44110
44111
44112
44113
44114
44115
44116
44117
44118
44119
44120
44121
44122
44123
44124
44125
44126
44127
44128
44129
44130
44131
44132
44133
44134
44135
44136
44137
44138
44139
44140
44141
44142
44143
44144
44145
44146
44147
44148
44149
44150
44151
44152
44153
44154
44155
44156
44157
44158
44159
44160
44161
44162
44163
44164
44165
44166
44167
44168
44169
44170
44171
44172
44173
44174
44175
44176
44177
44178
44179
44180
44181
44182
44183
44184
44185
44186
44187
44188
44189
44190
44191
44192
44193
44194
44195
44196
44197
44198
44199
44200
44201
44202
44203
44204
44205
44206
44207
44208
44209
44210
44211
44212
44213
44214
44215
44216
44217
44218
44219
44220
44221
44222
44223
44224
44225
44226
44227
44228
44229
44230
44231
44232
44233
44234
44235
44236
44237
44238
44239
44240
44241
44242
44243
44244
44245
44246
44247
44248
44249
44250
44251
44252
44253
44254
44255
44256
44257
44258
44259
44260
44261
44262
44263
44264
44265
44266
44267
44268
44269
44270
44271
44272
44273
44274
44275
44276
44277
44278
44279
44280
44281
44282
44283
44284
44285
44286
44287
44288
44289
44290
44291
44292
44293
44294
44295
44296
44297
44298
44299
44300
44301
44302
44303
44304
44305
44306
44307
44308
44309
44310
44311
44312
44313
44314
44315
44316
44317
44318
44319
44320
44321
44322
44323
44324
44325
44326
44327
44328
44329
44330
44331
44332
44333
44334
44335
44336
44337
44338
44339
44340
44341
44342
44343
44344
44345
44346
44347
44348
44349
44350
44351
44352
44353
44354
44355
44356
44357
44358
44359
44360
44361
44362
44363
44364
44365
44366
44367
44368
44369
44370
44371
44372
44373
44374
44375
44376
44377
44378
44379
44380
44381
44382
44383
44384
44385
44386
44387
44388
44389
44390
44391
44392
44393
44394
44395
44396
44397
44398
44399
44400
44401
44402
44403
44404
44405
44406
44407
44408
44409
44410
44411
44412
44413
44414
44415
44416
44417
44418
44419
44420
44421
44422
44423
44424
44425
44426
44427
44428
44429
44430
44431
44432
44433
44434
44435
44436
44437
44438
44439
44440
44441
44442
44443
44444
44445
44446
44447
44448
44449
44450
44451
44452
44453
44454
44455
44456
44457
44458
44459
44460
44461
44462
44463
44464
44465
44466
44467
44468
44469
44470
44471
44472
44473
44474
44475
44476
44477
44478
44479
44480
44481
44482
44483
44484
44485
44486
44487
44488
44489
44490
44491
44492
44493
44494
44495
44496
44497
44498
44499
44500
44501
44502
44503
44504
44505
44506
44507
44508
44509
44510
44511
44512
44513
44514
44515
44516
44517
44518
44519
44520
44521
44522
44523
44524
44525
44526
44527
44528
44529
44530
44531
44532
44533
44534
44535
44536
44537
44538
44539
44540
44541
44542
44543
44544
44545
44546
44547
44548
44549
44550
44551
44552
44553
44554
44555
44556
44557
44558
44559
44560
44561
44562
44563
44564
44565
44566
44567
44568
44569
44570
44571
44572
44573
44574
44575
44576
44577
44578
44579
44580
44581
44582
44583
44584
44585
44586
44587
44588
44589
44590
44591
44592
44593
44594
44595
44596
44597
44598
44599
44600
44601
44602
44603
44604
44605
44606
44607
44608
44609
44610
44611
44612
44613
44614
44615
44616
44617
44618
44619
44620
44621
44622
44623
44624
44625
44626
44627
44628
44629
44630
44631
44632
44633
44634
44635
44636
44637
44638
44639
44640
44641
44642
44643
44644
44645
44646
44647
44648
44649
44650
44651
44652
44653
44654
44655
44656
44657
44658
44659
44660
44661
44662
44663
44664
44665
44666
44667
44668
44669
44670
44671
44672
44673
44674
44675
44676
44677
44678
44679
44680
44681
44682
44683
44684
44685
44686
44687
44688
44689
44690
44691
44692
44693
44694
44695
44696
44697
44698
44699
44700
44701
44702
44703
44704
44705
44706
44707
44708
44709
44710
44711
44712
44713
44714
44715
44716
44717
44718
44719
44720
44721
44722
44723
44724
44725
44726
44727
44728
44729
44730
44731
44732
44733
44734
44735
44736
44737
44738
44739
44740
44741
44742
44743
44744
44745
44746
44747
44748
44749
44750
44751
44752
44753
44754
44755
44756
44757
44758
44759
44760
44761
44762
44763
44764
44765
44766
44767
44768
44769
44770
44771
44772
44773
44774
44775
44776
44777
44778
44779
44780
44781
44782
44783
44784
44785
44786
44787
44788
44789
44790
44791
44792
44793
44794
44795
44796
44797
44798
44799
44800
44801
44802
44803
44804
44805
44806
44807
44808
44809
44810
44811
44812
44813
44814
44815
44816
44817
44818
44819
44820
44821
44822
44823
44824
44825
44826
44827
44828
44829
44830
44831
44832
44833
44834
44835
44836
44837
44838
44839
44840
44841
44842
44843
44844
44845
44846
44847
44848
44849
44850
44851
44852
44853
44854
44855
44856
44857
44858
44859
44860
44861
44862
44863
44864
44865
44866
44867
44868
44869
44870
44871
44872
44873
44874
44875
44876
44877
44878
44879
44880
44881
44882
44883
44884
44885
44886
44887
44888
44889
44890
44891
44892
44893
44894
44895
44896
44897
44898
44899
44900
44901
44902
44903
44904
44905
44906
44907
44908
44909
44910
44911
44912
44913
44914
44915
44916
44917
44918
44919
44920
44921
44922
44923
44924
44925
44926
44927
44928
44929
44930
44931
44932
44933
44934
44935
44936
44937
44938
44939
44940
44941
44942
44943
44944
44945
44946
44947
44948
44949
44950
44951
44952
44953
44954
44955
44956
44957
44958
44959
44960
44961
44962
44963
44964
44965
44966
44967
44968
44969
44970
44971
44972
44973
44974
44975
44976
44977
44978
44979
44980
44981
44982
44983
44984
44985
44986
44987
44988
44989
44990
44991
44992
44993
44994
44995
44996
44997
44998
44999
45000
45001
45002
45003
45004
45005
45006
45007
45008
45009
45010
45011
45012
45013
45014
45015
45016
45017
45018
45019
45020
45021
45022
45023
45024
45025
45026
45027
45028
45029
45030
45031
45032
45033
45034
45035
45036
45037
45038
45039
45040
45041
45042
45043
45044
45045
45046
45047
45048
45049
45050
45051
45052
45053
45054
45055
45056
45057
45058
45059
45060
45061
45062
45063
45064
45065
45066
45067
45068
45069
45070
45071
45072
45073
45074
45075
45076
45077
45078
45079
45080
45081
45082
45083
45084
45085
45086
45087
45088
45089
45090
45091
45092
45093
45094
45095
45096
45097
45098
45099
45100
45101
45102
45103
45104
45105
45106
45107
45108
45109
45110
45111
45112
45113
45114
45115
45116
45117
45118
45119
45120
45121
45122
45123
45124
45125
45126
45127
45128
45129
45130
45131
45132
45133
45134
45135
45136
45137
45138
45139
45140
45141
45142
45143
45144
45145
45146
45147
45148
45149
45150
45151
45152
45153
45154
45155
45156
45157
45158
45159
45160
45161
45162
45163
45164
45165
45166
45167
45168
45169
45170
45171
45172
45173
45174
45175
45176
45177
45178
45179
45180
45181
45182
45183
45184
45185
45186
45187
45188
45189
45190
45191
45192
45193
45194
45195
45196
45197
45198
45199
45200
45201
45202
45203
45204
45205
45206
45207
45208
45209
45210
45211
45212
45213
45214
45215
45216
45217
45218
45219
45220
45221
45222
45223
45224
45225
45226
45227
45228
45229
45230
45231
45232
45233
45234
45235
45236
45237
45238
45239
45240
45241
45242
45243
45244
45245
45246
45247
45248
45249
45250
45251
45252
45253
45254
45255
45256
45257
45258
45259
45260
45261
45262
45263
45264
45265
45266
45267
45268
45269
45270
45271
45272
45273
45274
45275
45276
45277
45278
45279
45280
45281
45282
45283
45284
45285
45286
45287
45288
45289
45290
45291
45292
45293
45294
45295
45296
45297
45298
45299
45300
45301
45302
45303
45304
45305
45306
45307
45308
45309
45310
45311
45312
45313
45314
45315
45316
45317
45318
45319
45320
45321
45322
45323
45324
45325
45326
45327
45328
45329
45330
45331
45332
45333
45334
45335
45336
45337
45338
45339
45340
45341
45342
45343
45344
45345
45346
45347
45348
45349
45350
45351
45352
45353
45354
45355
45356
45357
45358
45359
45360
45361
45362
45363
45364
45365
45366
45367
45368
45369
45370
45371
45372
45373
45374
45375
45376
45377
45378
45379
45380
45381
45382
45383
45384
45385
45386
45387
45388
45389
45390
45391
45392
45393
45394
45395
45396
45397
45398
45399
45400
45401
45402
45403
45404
45405
45406
45407
45408
45409
45410
45411
45412
45413
45414
45415
45416
45417
45418
45419
45420
45421
45422
45423
45424
45425
45426
45427
45428
45429
45430
45431
45432
45433
45434
45435
45436
45437
45438
45439
45440
45441
45442
45443
45444
45445
45446
45447
45448
45449
45450
45451
45452
45453
45454
45455
45456
45457
45458
45459
45460
45461
45462
45463
45464
45465
45466
45467
45468
45469
45470
45471
45472
45473
45474
45475
45476
45477
45478
45479
45480
45481
45482
45483
45484
45485
45486
45487
45488
45489
45490
45491
45492
45493
45494
45495
45496
45497
45498
45499
45500
45501
45502
45503
45504
45505
45506
45507
45508
45509
45510
45511
45512
45513
45514
45515
45516
45517
45518
45519
45520
45521
45522
45523
45524
45525
45526
45527
45528
45529
45530
45531
45532
45533
45534
45535
45536
45537
45538
45539
45540
45541
45542
45543
45544
45545
45546
45547
45548
45549
45550
45551
45552
45553
45554
45555
45556
45557
45558
45559
45560
45561
45562
45563
45564
45565
45566
45567
45568
45569
45570
45571
45572
45573
45574
45575
45576
45577
45578
45579
45580
45581
45582
45583
45584
45585
45586
45587
45588
45589
45590
45591
45592
45593
45594
45595
45596
45597
45598
45599
45600
45601
45602
45603
45604
45605
45606
45607
45608
45609
45610
45611
45612
45613
45614
45615
45616
45617
45618
45619
45620
45621
45622
45623
45624
45625
45626
45627
45628
45629
45630
45631
45632
45633
45634
45635
45636
45637
45638
45639
45640
45641
45642
45643
45644
45645
45646
45647
45648
45649
45650
45651
45652
45653
45654
45655
45656
45657
45658
45659
45660
45661
45662
45663
45664
45665
45666
45667
45668
45669
45670
45671
45672
45673
45674
45675
45676
45677
45678
45679
45680
45681
45682
45683
45684
45685
45686
45687
45688
45689
45690
45691
45692
45693
45694
45695
45696
45697
45698
45699
45700
45701
45702
45703
45704
45705
45706
45707
45708
45709
45710
45711
45712
45713
45714
45715
45716
45717
45718
45719
45720
45721
45722
45723
45724
45725
45726
45727
45728
45729
45730
45731
45732
45733
45734
45735
45736
45737
45738
45739
45740
45741
45742
45743
45744
45745
45746
45747
45748
45749
45750
45751
45752
45753
45754
45755
45756
45757
45758
45759
45760
45761
45762
45763
45764
45765
45766
45767
45768
45769
45770
45771
45772
45773
45774
45775
45776
45777
45778
45779
45780
45781
45782
45783
45784
45785
45786
45787
45788
45789
45790
45791
45792
45793
45794
45795
45796
45797
45798
45799
45800
45801
45802
45803
45804
45805
45806
45807
45808
45809
45810
45811
45812
45813
45814
45815
45816
45817
45818
45819
45820
45821
45822
45823
45824
45825
45826
45827
45828
45829
45830
45831
45832
45833
45834
45835
45836
45837
45838
45839
45840
45841
45842
45843
45844
45845
45846
45847
45848
45849
45850
45851
45852
45853
45854
45855
45856
45857
45858
45859
45860
45861
45862
45863
45864
45865
45866
45867
45868
45869
45870
45871
45872
45873
45874
45875
45876
45877
45878
45879
45880
45881
45882
45883
45884
45885
45886
45887
45888
45889
45890
45891
45892
45893
45894
45895
45896
45897
45898
45899
45900
45901
45902
45903
45904
45905
45906
45907
45908
45909
45910
45911
45912
45913
45914
45915
45916
45917
45918
45919
45920
45921
45922
45923
45924
45925
45926
45927
45928
45929
45930
45931
45932
45933
45934
45935
45936
45937
45938
45939
45940
45941
45942
45943
45944
45945
45946
45947
45948
45949
45950
45951
45952
45953
45954
45955
45956
45957
45958
45959
45960
45961
45962
45963
45964
45965
45966
45967
45968
45969
45970
45971
45972
45973
45974
45975
45976
45977
45978
45979
45980
45981
45982
45983
45984
45985
45986
45987
45988
45989
45990
45991
45992
45993
45994
45995
45996
45997
45998
45999
46000
46001
46002
46003
46004
46005
46006
46007
46008
46009
46010
46011
46012
46013
46014
46015
46016
46017
46018
46019
46020
46021
46022
46023
46024
46025
46026
46027
46028
46029
46030
46031
46032
46033
46034
46035
46036
46037
46038
46039
46040
46041
46042
46043
46044
46045
46046
46047
46048
46049
46050
46051
46052
46053
46054
46055
46056
46057
46058
46059
46060
46061
46062
46063
46064
46065
46066
46067
46068
46069
46070
46071
46072
46073
46074
46075
46076
46077
46078
46079
46080
46081
46082
46083
46084
46085
46086
46087
46088
46089
46090
46091
46092
46093
46094
46095
46096
46097
46098
46099
46100
46101
46102
46103
46104
46105
46106
46107
46108
46109
46110
46111
46112
46113
46114
46115
46116
46117
46118
46119
46120
46121
46122
46123
46124
46125
46126
46127
46128
46129
46130
46131
46132
46133
46134
46135
46136
46137
46138
46139
46140
46141
46142
46143
46144
46145
46146
46147
46148
46149
46150
46151
46152
46153
46154
46155
46156
46157
46158
46159
46160
46161
46162
46163
46164
46165
46166
46167
46168
46169
46170
46171
46172
46173
46174
46175
46176
46177
46178
46179
46180
46181
46182
46183
46184
46185
46186
46187
46188
46189
46190
46191
46192
46193
46194
46195
46196
46197
46198
46199
46200
46201
46202
46203
46204
46205
46206
46207
46208
46209
46210
46211
46212
46213
46214
46215
46216
46217
46218
46219
46220
46221
46222
46223
46224
46225
46226
46227
46228
46229
46230
46231
46232
46233
46234
46235
46236
46237
46238
46239
46240
46241
46242
46243
46244
46245
46246
46247
46248
46249
46250
46251
46252
46253
46254
46255
46256
46257
46258
46259
46260
46261
46262
46263
46264
46265
46266
46267
46268
46269
46270
46271
46272
46273
46274
46275
46276
46277
46278
46279
46280
46281
46282
46283
46284
46285
46286
46287
46288
46289
46290
46291
46292
46293
46294
46295
46296
46297
46298
46299
46300
46301
46302
46303
46304
46305
46306
46307
46308
46309
46310
46311
46312
46313
46314
46315
46316
46317
46318
46319
46320
46321
46322
46323
46324
46325
46326
46327
46328
46329
46330
46331
46332
46333
46334
46335
46336
46337
46338
46339
46340
46341
46342
46343
46344
46345
46346
46347
46348
46349
46350
46351
46352
46353
46354
46355
46356
46357
46358
46359
46360
46361
46362
46363
46364
46365
46366
46367
46368
46369
46370
46371
46372
46373
46374
46375
46376
46377
46378
46379
46380
46381
46382
46383
46384
46385
46386
46387
46388
46389
46390
46391
46392
46393
46394
46395
46396
46397
46398
46399
46400
46401
46402
46403
46404
46405
46406
46407
46408
46409
46410
46411
46412
46413
46414
46415
46416
46417
46418
46419
46420
46421
46422
46423
46424
46425
46426
46427
46428
46429
46430
46431
46432
46433
46434
46435
46436
46437
46438
46439
46440
46441
46442
46443
46444
46445
46446
46447
46448
46449
46450
46451
46452
46453
46454
46455
46456
46457
46458
46459
46460
46461
46462
46463
46464
46465
46466
46467
46468
46469
46470
46471
46472
46473
46474
46475
46476
46477
46478
46479
46480
46481
46482
46483
46484
46485
46486
46487
46488
46489
46490
46491
46492
46493
46494
46495
46496
46497
46498
46499
46500
46501
46502
46503
46504
46505
46506
46507
46508
46509
46510
46511
46512
46513
46514
46515
46516
46517
46518
46519
46520
46521
46522
46523
46524
46525
46526
46527
46528
46529
46530
46531
46532
46533
46534
46535
46536
46537
46538
46539
46540
46541
46542
46543
46544
46545
46546
46547
46548
46549
46550
46551
46552
46553
46554
46555
46556
46557
46558
46559
46560
46561
46562
46563
46564
46565
46566
46567
46568
46569
46570
46571
46572
46573
46574
46575
46576
46577
46578
46579
46580
46581
46582
46583
46584
46585
46586
46587
46588
46589
46590
46591
46592
46593
46594
46595
46596
46597
46598
46599
46600
46601
46602
46603
46604
46605
46606
46607
46608
46609
46610
46611
46612
46613
46614
46615
46616
46617
46618
46619
46620
46621
46622
46623
46624
46625
46626
46627
46628
46629
46630
46631
46632
46633
46634
46635
46636
46637
46638
46639
46640
46641
46642
46643
46644
46645
46646
46647
46648
46649
46650
46651
46652
46653
46654
46655
46656
46657
46658
46659
46660
46661
46662
46663
46664
46665
46666
46667
46668
46669
46670
46671
46672
46673
46674
46675
46676
46677
46678
46679
46680
46681
46682
46683
46684
46685
46686
46687
46688
46689
46690
46691
46692
46693
46694
46695
46696
46697
46698
46699
46700
46701
46702
46703
46704
46705
46706
46707
46708
46709
46710
46711
46712
46713
46714
46715
46716
46717
46718
46719
46720
46721
46722
46723
46724
46725
46726
46727
46728
46729
46730
46731
46732
46733
46734
46735
46736
46737
46738
46739
46740
46741
46742
46743
46744
46745
46746
46747
46748
46749
46750
46751
46752
46753
46754
46755
46756
46757
46758
46759
46760
46761
46762
46763
46764
46765
46766
46767
46768
46769
46770
46771
46772
46773
46774
46775
46776
46777
46778
46779
46780
46781
46782
46783
46784
46785
46786
46787
46788
46789
46790
46791
46792
46793
46794
46795
46796
46797
46798
46799
46800
46801
46802
46803
46804
46805
46806
46807
46808
46809
46810
46811
46812
46813
46814
46815
46816
46817
46818
46819
46820
46821
46822
46823
46824
46825
46826
46827
46828
46829
46830
46831
46832
46833
46834
46835
46836
46837
46838
46839
46840
46841
46842
46843
46844
46845
46846
46847
46848
46849
46850
46851
46852
46853
46854
46855
46856
46857
46858
46859
46860
46861
46862
46863
46864
46865
46866
46867
46868
46869
46870
46871
46872
46873
46874
46875
46876
46877
46878
46879
46880
46881
46882
46883
46884
46885
46886
46887
46888
46889
46890
46891
46892
46893
46894
46895
46896
46897
46898
46899
46900
46901
46902
46903
46904
46905
46906
46907
46908
46909
46910
46911
46912
46913
46914
46915
46916
46917
46918
46919
46920
46921
46922
46923
46924
46925
46926
46927
46928
46929
46930
46931
46932
46933
46934
46935
46936
46937
46938
46939
46940
46941
46942
46943
46944
46945
46946
46947
46948
46949
46950
46951
46952
46953
46954
46955
46956
46957
46958
46959
46960
46961
46962
46963
46964
46965
46966
46967
46968
46969
46970
46971
46972
46973
46974
46975
46976
46977
46978
46979
46980
46981
46982
46983
46984
46985
46986
46987
46988
46989
46990
46991
46992
46993
46994
46995
46996
46997
46998
46999
47000
47001
47002
47003
47004
47005
47006
47007
47008
47009
47010
47011
47012
47013
47014
47015
47016
47017
47018
47019
47020
47021
47022
47023
47024
47025
47026
47027
47028
47029
47030
47031
47032
47033
47034
47035
47036
47037
47038
47039
47040
47041
47042
47043
47044
47045
47046
47047
47048
47049
47050
47051
47052
47053
47054
47055
47056
47057
47058
47059
47060
47061
47062
47063
47064
47065
47066
47067
47068
47069
47070
47071
47072
47073
47074
47075
47076
47077
47078
47079
47080
47081
47082
47083
47084
47085
47086
47087
47088
47089
47090
47091
47092
47093
47094
47095
47096
47097
47098
47099
47100
47101
47102
47103
47104
47105
47106
47107
47108
47109
47110
47111
47112
47113
47114
47115
47116
47117
47118
47119
47120
47121
47122
47123
47124
47125
47126
47127
47128
47129
47130
47131
47132
47133
47134
47135
47136
47137
47138
47139
47140
47141
47142
47143
47144
47145
47146
47147
47148
47149
47150
47151
47152
47153
47154
47155
47156
47157
47158
47159
47160
47161
47162
47163
47164
47165
47166
47167
47168
47169
47170
47171
47172
47173
47174
47175
47176
47177
47178
47179
47180
47181
47182
47183
47184
47185
47186
47187
47188
47189
47190
47191
47192
47193
47194
47195
47196
47197
47198
47199
47200
47201
47202
47203
47204
47205
47206
47207
47208
47209
47210
47211
47212
47213
47214
47215
47216
47217
47218
47219
47220
47221
47222
47223
47224
47225
47226
47227
47228
47229
47230
47231
47232
47233
47234
47235
47236
47237
47238
47239
47240
47241
47242
47243
47244
47245
47246
47247
47248
47249
47250
47251
47252
47253
47254
47255
47256
47257
47258
47259
47260
47261
47262
47263
47264
47265
47266
47267
47268
47269
47270
47271
47272
47273
47274
47275
47276
47277
47278
47279
47280
47281
47282
47283
47284
47285
47286
47287
47288
47289
47290
47291
47292
47293
47294
47295
47296
47297
47298
47299
47300
47301
47302
47303
47304
47305
47306
47307
47308
47309
47310
47311
47312
47313
47314
47315
47316
47317
47318
47319
47320
47321
47322
47323
47324
47325
47326
47327
47328
47329
47330
47331
47332
47333
47334
47335
47336
47337
47338
47339
47340
47341
47342
47343
47344
47345
47346
47347
47348
47349
47350
47351
47352
47353
47354
47355
47356
47357
47358
47359
47360
47361
47362
47363
47364
47365
47366
47367
47368
47369
47370
47371
47372
47373
47374
47375
47376
47377
47378
47379
47380
47381
47382
47383
47384
47385
47386
47387
47388
47389
47390
47391
47392
47393
47394
47395
47396
47397
47398
47399
47400
47401
47402
47403
47404
47405
47406
47407
47408
47409
47410
47411
47412
47413
|
=======================================================================
|| ||
|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
|| ||
=======================================================================
Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
"Fortune Cookie"
Directed by Steven Spielberg.
Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
Read the Warner paperback!
Invoke the Unix program!
Soundtrack on XTC Records.
In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
centers.
%
PLAYGIRL, Inc.
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
Dear Sir:
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
us.
Sympathetically,
Amanda L. Smith
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
%
_-^--^=-_
_.-^^ -~_
_-- --_
< >)
| |
\._ _./
```--. . , ; .--'''
| | |
.-=|| | |=-.
`-=#$%&%$#=-'
| ; :|
_____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
%
FROM THE DESK OF
Dorothy Gale
Auntie Em:
Hate you.
Hate Kansas.
Taking the dog.
Dorothy
%
FROM THE DESK OF
Rapunzel
Dear Prince:
Use ladder tonight --
you're splitting my ends.
%
SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT
Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
ABSTRACT
Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
functions.
This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
%
UNIX Trix
For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
either. If you need some help, give us a call.
-- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
%
___====-_ _-====___
_--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
-############// |\^^/| \\############-
_~############// (O||O) \\############~_
~#############(( \\// ))#############~
-###############\\ (oo) //###############-
-#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
-###################\\/ () \//###################-
_#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
|/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
( | |()| | )\ /|/
__\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
(vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
%
DELETE A FORTUNE!
Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
%
It's grad exam time...
COMPUTER SCIENCE
Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
MATHEMATICS
If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
%
It's grad exam time...
MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
%
Pittsburgh driver's test
10: Potholes are
a) extremely dangerous.
b) patriotic.
c) the fault of the previous administration.
d) all going to be fixed next summer.
The correct answer is b.
Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
you have nothing to worry about.
%
Pittsburgh driver's test
2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
a) stop immediately.
b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
c) blow the horn.
d) floor it.
The correct answer is d.
If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
%
Pittsburgh driver's test
3: When stopped at an intersection you should
a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
c) blow the horn.
d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
The correct answer is d.
You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
street turns yellow.
Answer c is worth a half point.
%
Pittsburgh driver's test
4: Exhaust gas is
a) beneficial.
b) not harmful.
c) toxic.
d) a punk band.
The correct answer is b.
The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
%
Pittsburgh driver's test
5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
How often should you test it?
a) once a year.
b) once a month.
c) once a day.
d) once an hour.
The correct answer is d.
You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
%
Pittsburgh driver's test
7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
but a steady left tail light.
a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
d) The driver is from out of town.
The correct answer is d.
Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
%
Pittsburgh driver's test
8: Pedestrians are
a) irrelevant.
b) communists.
c) a nuisance.
d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
completely.
%
Pittsburgh driver's test
9: Roads are salted in order to
a) kill grass.
b) melt snow.
c) help the economy.
d) prevent potholes.
The correct answer is c.
Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
steel industries.
%
( /\__________/\ )
\(^ @___..___@ ^)/
/\ (\/\/\/\/) /\
/ \(/\/\/\/\)/ \
-( """""""""" )
\ _____ /
( /( )\ )
_) (_V) (V_) (_
(V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V)
%
___====-_ _-====___
_--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_
_-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
-############// :\^^/: \\############-
_~############// (@::@) \\############~_
~#############(( \\// ))#############~
-###############\\ (^^) //###############-
-#################\\ / "" \ //#################-
-###################\\/ \//###################-
_#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_
:/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \:
" :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: "
" " " " \ : : : : / " " " "
%
Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
3) You don't know. Neither does your boss.
4) Who cares?
5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it.
6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!!
7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
%
Hard Copies and Chmod
And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
cold diskdrives hardware monitors
user-hostile software
of course they're only bits and bytes
and characters and strings
and files
just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
telling me he loves me and
he'll take care of me
simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
deep intimate secrets and
how he doesn't trust me
couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
on personal stationery
-- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
%
`O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
will be given to candidates who self-actualise.
1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
neither has street credibility.
2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
city.
3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
into a black hole.
4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
up of western dualism?
7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
%
OUTCONERR
Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
Did logzerneg the ifthen block
All kludgy were the function flows
And subroutines adhoc.
Beware the runtime-bug my friend
squrooneg, the false goto
Beware the infiniteloop
And shun the inprectoo.
%
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
when you hit the ground.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
to psychological problems.
5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
staggering illegally.
9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
supply on D-Day.
%
The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
%
The Split-Atom Blues
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
But if you split those atoms fine,
Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
Gimme zits, take my dough,
Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-- Milo Bloom
%
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution
of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support.
Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of
you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal
cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase
to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between
midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you
forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss
out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or
more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly
program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune
Hunter" coffee mug!
%
What I Did During My Fall Semester
On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
I found a thesis topic:
How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
-- Sister Mary Elephant,
"Student Statement for Black Friday"
%
1/2
/\(3)
| 2 1/3
| z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
|
\/ 1
The integral of z squared, dz
From 1 to the square root of 3
Times the cosine
Of 3 PI over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e
%
(1/2)
/ 3
| 2 3 x 3.14 (1/2)
| z dz cos (--------) = ln(e )
/ 1 9
The integral, from one to root three,
Of z to the second dz,
Times the cosine
Of 3 pi over nine
Is the log of the third root of e.
%
THE DAILY PLANET
SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
Plans to "Eat it later"
%
*** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
you should blame when you make a mistake.
Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
%
*** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
*** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
*** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
try this simple test:
1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
%
*** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
yourself in the morning.
%
... This striving for excellence extends into people's
personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
Liza Minnelli.
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
%
12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
7
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
%
7,140 pounds on the Sun
97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
255 pounds on Earth
232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
43 pounds on the Moon
648 pounds on Jupiter
275 pounds on Saturn
303 pounds on Neptune
13 pounds on Pluto
-- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
in the solar system.
%
A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
and forth.
"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
of carp-to-carp walleting."
%
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
"Have you seen my parakeet?"
%
A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
have what I think is a pretty good act."
The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
"Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
imitations?"
%
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
%
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%
A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
in the mud.
Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
"Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
%
A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
sadly, "runneth over."
Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
%
A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
"What do you think?" said the the first ranger.
"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
%
A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
%
A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."
%
A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
dog's stuck in its throat."
%
A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
long-distance caw.
A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
%
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
The housewife replied, "Four!".
The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spread sheet one more time."
The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
%
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
%
A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey."
The bartender ignores him.
"Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey."
Still ignored.
"HEY BARMAN!! GIMME A WHISKEY!!"
The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
%
A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
told, "that one is 150,000."
"Why, what can it do?" he asks.
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
"Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
disciples."
Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
%
A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
knife!
Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
%
A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
%
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
my 'gator."
%
A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
was making a bolt for the door.
A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
house of seven gobbles.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
%
A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
promptly replied.
"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
how long will it take?"
The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
The programmer agreed to this.
Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
He had been programming all night.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
manager retained his job.
The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
concept, and thus I expect no reward."
The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
"It will take one year," said the master promptly.
"But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
completed," he said.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
resigned on the spot.
So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
hours of the morning.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
he said, "may I examine it?"
The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
human."
"Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
mysterious setting?"
The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
said the master.
"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson
is over for today.", he said.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
said the master.
"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
over for today," he said.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A MODERN FABLE
Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
today's minute attention span.
The Troubled Aardvark
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
-- Tom Annau
%
A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
"If what?" asked the composer.
"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
%
A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
entered the mystery of the Tao."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
baffled. What is the reason for this?"
The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
novice.
"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
Why is this so?"
The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
unnatural entity exist?"
The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
package.
The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
machine worked.
%
A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
party. He walked out into the night.
The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
too.
The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
the wolf pack.
At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
has killed them all.
The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
went out to be killed?
The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
%
A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
rigidity.
A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
way that astonishes him least.
A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
appearances.
If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
program.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
made rude noises during my presentation."
The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
with social conventions?"
"They are alive within the Tao."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
which contained twelve more loons.
"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
"What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
%
A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
his wellness potential."
Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
sent him.
-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
%
A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
"This is a parson to parson call."
A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
granite.
%
A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
under the kilt?"
He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
really want to know.
The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
%
A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
going to it is so large.
Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
%
A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
%
A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."
%
A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."
%
A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
%
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
vatch das blinkenlights!!!
%
After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
-- DECWARS
%
After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
camp chores.
The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
"It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
cattle. We shall bury him in it."
Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
"Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
-- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
Feghoot!"
%
After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
name."
%
All that you touch, And all you create,
All that you see, And all you destroy,
All that you taste, All that you do,
All you feel, And all you say,
And all that you love, All that you eat,
And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
All you distrust, All that you slight,
All you save, And everyone you fight,
And all that you give, And all that is now,
And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
All that you buy, And all that's to come,
Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
in tune,
But the sun is eclipsed
By the moon.
There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
-- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
%
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
screams: "Anybody got a match?"
%
An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
voluptuous woman.
After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
handsome prince!"
And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"
%
An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
this head and pulls the trigger.
The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
again?"
"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
-- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
%
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
while plunging the knife into his heart.
The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
%
An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
(skip a bit brother...)
Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
snuff it.
-- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
%
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."
%
"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
"No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
%
"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime."
"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
"That was the curious incident."
-- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
%
Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
preaching to a group of disciples.
"Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
the absolute reality of --"
"Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
vaporized.
On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
with the spirit of the morning.
"Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
"Thou art That..."
"Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
and he vaporized.
Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
"US?" snapped Hakuin.
Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
Governor, and he vaporized.
Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
%
As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
for doing it."
-- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
%
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
%
Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
his followers.
One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor
any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will
usually know what's wrong."
%
Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
%
By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
still five feet between rails.
It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
was possible.
-- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
%
Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
it some other time, Carrie."
She gave it up.
-- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
%
Chapter VIII
Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
%
Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
owls."
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
COONDOG MEMORY
(heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
is for sale.
-- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
%
Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
date of purchase.
NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
-- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
%
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
Sept 28 Blind Academy
Sept 30 World War I Veterans
Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
married?"
He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
I've always been especially fond of married women."
%
Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
Or is Vaseline better?
%
Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
"I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
-- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
%
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
She's a women who conks to stupor.
Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
%
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
%
Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
charming a wife."
%
Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
than I am.
I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
that she didn't recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
%
Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
"One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
"At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
energy policy and neither do you."
-- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
%
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be
replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch'
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling,
so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j'
anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai
Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
%
"Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
"of course you know what 'it' means."
"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
%
Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
thoughts?"
Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
%
Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
%
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you."
"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
"Only to ten, Mudhead."
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all.
When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%
Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
Thank you and good luck.
-- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
%
Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
to stay employed.
-- Technolorata, "Analog"
%
"Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
had actually implicationed.
"If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
-- The Guardian
%
Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
to conquer the world.
Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune,
for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
"Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
%
Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
"Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
"How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead right now."
%
He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
right now."
"I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
%
...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
self-propagating.
-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
%
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
"Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
"Do it alone?"
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
"How would that help?"
"Used a whip."
%
"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
"Oh, it's not dead then."
"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
on the safe side."
"Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
to a dead cat, do you?"
-- Monty Python
%
Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.
According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing
severe marketing anxiety in China.
The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending
on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
Bite the wax tadpole.
There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard
to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
satiric vistas do not open up.
-- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle
%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
it because the court was going to take a nap.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
of her blonde companion.
"Fishing through the ice," she replied.
"Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
"Olives."
%
"How many people work here?"
"Oh, about half."
%
How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
%
"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
full of money before."
%
"How'd you get that flat?"
"Ran over a bottle."
"Didn't you see it?"
"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
%
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
quavering voice.
"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:
"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
the sky blue?"
HE asked me about black holes in space.
(There's a hole *where*?)
I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
HE talked internal combustion engines.
(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
as equals.
HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
the graphics.
Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
(Gotcha!)
-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
%
I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
each other up:
You: Hello? Bob?
Bob: Yes?
You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
"Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
have to get back to you.
Bob: Fine.
-- Dave Barry
%
"I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
objected.
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
that's all."
%
I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.
Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
%
"I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
I think very probably he might be cured."
"That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
"His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
The elders murmured assent.
"Now, what affects it?"
"Ah!" said old Yacob.
"This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
irritation and distraction."
"Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
"And then he will be sane?"
"Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
"Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
-- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
%
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
at present".
When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
happened to be in the right.
-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
%
I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
me to cry.
This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
to weep."
I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
back; I would be nice."
Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
"Oh, not enough."
"Nobody can give anybody enough."
"Not ever?"
"No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
"And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
"Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
%
I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
arrests.
"Not a very impressive record," I offered.
"Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
these complaints represent?"
"What do they represent?" I asked.
"Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
closing the book.
-- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
%
[I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
%
I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
"What'll you have, Bud"?
I said," I don't know, surprise me".
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
that is also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
to the assembler.
The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
languages.
Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
the tao.
But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
%
If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
Both those things sound pretty good to me.
-- Sparky Anderson
%
If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
repeat the sequence.
You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
your own apartment?
-- William S. Burroughs
%
"I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
them, or something?"
"Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
"No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
would destroy the whole point of it."
-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
%
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
%
I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
was by the time I find it.
I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
blank."
-- Alex Crain
%
In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
Junior, what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
will publish such rubbish!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you."
As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
remnants of the wolf and the fox.
The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
%
In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
to product."
According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
been an efficiency expert?
-- Motor Trend, May 1983
%
In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
mud."
And there was mud.
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
can see what we have done."
And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
"Certainly," said man.
"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
And He went away.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
large numbers and prospered.
One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
-- The Story of Babel
%
In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
How could it be otherwise?
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
sat hacking at the PDP-6.
"What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
"Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
you close your eyes?"
"So that the room will be empty."
At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
%
In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this
bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
the blue sky at its back, returns home.
The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
does not know that the bird has come and gone.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
In the evening, floating in the soup.
(chorus):
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
You can ask them anything you want to.
They won't answer; they can't talk.
(chorus):
I took a fish head out to see a movie,
Didn't have to pay to get it in.
(chorus):
They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
(chorus):
Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
(chorus):
Fishy!
(chorus):
-- Fish Heads
%
"In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
right any day."
"And are you?"
"No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
life-style otherwise."
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
than a citizen bless their country?"
%
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen.
%
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one
he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They
discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second
new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell
me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70",
Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
%
It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
freedom and games to the network...
-- DECWARS
%
It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
human beings.
The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-- Playboy, January, 1983
%
It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
passengers.
One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
%
It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
need to find out where we are."
Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
fifty feet in the air!"
George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
"Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless!"
That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
%
It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
really needed in the first place.
I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
analogous to the above.
-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
%
It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
icepacks.
-- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
%
Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
"Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
it always me, teacher?"
"Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
explains.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
%
Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
applications for.
-- Dave Barry
%
Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
now. They're in a band.
-- Ira Kaplan
%
Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
"Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
a-comin'."
%
Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't
hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good
for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint
and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for
traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the
little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and
nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and
hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
die. So do we.
And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in
there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and
politics and sane living.
Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
-- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
in kindergarten"
%
Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the
people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
-- Spike Milligan
%
Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
All I have in the world is this gun."
%
Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
%
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
to death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
Murray.
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
-- Arthur Naiman
%
My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
and Knights of Pithiests.
The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
So we're going back in a few years...
-- Julius H. Marx
%
My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
the alter of human limitations.
I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
earth really does revolve about the sun.
-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%
"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
a girl should not do before twenty."
"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
audience, either."
%
n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
-- Reverse the bits in a word.
%
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
in the others.
While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
%
NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
true value of the company.
Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
Nazareth.
%
"No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
can't."
"You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
-- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
%
Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
"For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
%
Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
to be avoided than harped upon.
Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
about helping to postpone this reunion.
-- Douglas Adams
%
"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
confirm who I am.
"Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
-- Captain Freedom
%
Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
%
On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
"You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
normal person?"
%
On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
"Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
%
On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
best, write it down and make that the standard.
The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
-- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
%
On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
she looked like the side of a barn.
I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
to decide quickly. I decided.
A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
week, until it led them to a parking space.
We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
-- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
Skirmish"
%
Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
die quicker than boredom!"
But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
-- Richard Bach
%
Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
dolphins live forever!
Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
steal one of these birds.
Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
%
Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
help you break such a spell."
"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
the night under her pillow."
The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
her father and mother still don't believe her story.
%
Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
%
Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
perception of the elephant.
The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
%
Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
%
Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
available to anyone.
-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
%
One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
to each cons."
Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
collector..."
%
One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
went to speak with him.
"We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
students inquired.
"It is", Kyogen answered.
"Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
"As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
%
One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
you."
The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
Kelly?"
He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
-- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
%
One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
bus pass."
%
One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
"Change course 10 degrees South."
The reply was quickly flashed back...
"You change course 10 degrees North."
The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
message.....
"I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
Back came the reply...
"I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
Back came the reply...
"I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
-- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
%
One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
is our support for UNIX?
Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
-- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
Olsen's brain. Ed.]
%
page 46
...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
on placebo."
page 56
The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
body functions.
-- Norman Cousins,
"Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
%
Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
a Tory!"
A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
kept favoring curry.
A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
game. They had the volley of the Dills.
%
People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
persuasion.
"Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
%
"Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
sounding a bit worried.
"Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
"I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
said quickly.
"That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
Cobb said, hopping out.
-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
%
Phases of a Project:
(1) Exultation.
(2) Disenchantment.
(3) Confusion.
(4) Search for the Guilty.
(5) Punishment for the Innocent.
(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
%
Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
ran like a gentle wind.
Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
"Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
eyes for a moment and then log off."
Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
starfield surrounding the ship.
"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
%
Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
%
"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
"He was going to suck my blood!"
"Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
if they don't live our way."
...
"The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
"When you look at it that way..."
"Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
Whatever. We want. To do."
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
well.
-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
%
Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
"There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
advertising men in charge of his campaign.
"What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
"That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
SAFETY
I can live without
Someone I love
But not without
Someone I need.
%
Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
"Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
That way you'll get it out of your system."
Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
yelled at him:
"Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
at his head!"
Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
psychiatrist said. "Why?"
"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
%
Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
nice gesture you made today, George.
"What do you mean?" asked George.
"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
"Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
know."
%
"Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
"I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
"Too proud?" the other enquired.
Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
she said, "that one can't help growing older."
"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
%
Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
the odd integers are prime."
The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
does seem right."
Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
%
"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
"Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
"Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
paper boots."
"What's he wanted for?"
"Rustling."
%
Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
every copy.
%
So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
right straight toward us.
Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
And we always, always eat our vegetables.
This is the Minneapple.
%
Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
Tao of Programming.
If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
harmony in the world.
The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
morning.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
farmers in America."
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
Machineries of Joy?"
"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
%
Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
Half 1/2 bottle
Bottle 750 milliliters
Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
Jeroboam 4 bottles
Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
Methuselah 8 bottles
Salmanazar 12 bottles
Balthazar 16 bottles
Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
to produce and they only made 8 of them.
Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
%
Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
these questions three, ere the other side he see!
"What is your name?"
"Sir Brian of Bell."
"What is your quest?"
"I seek the Holy Grail."
"What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
"I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
%
Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
were doing was right, that we were winning...
And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
broke and rolled back.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
improve ...
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
"So?"
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
%
"That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
-- e.e. cummings last service call
%
"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
%
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive
African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have
to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam
k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest
in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach
front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be
interested in."
So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes
color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding
one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever.
But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls
of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some
people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others,
such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing
the wildebeest naked.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
%
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
%
The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
but not much good in a fight."
%
The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
sees nothing but goyim..."
"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
you got problems. What about my son?"
%
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
from women."
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
second best?"
%
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
SPECIES: Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
Courtship & Mating:
Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
Track:
Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
Comments:
Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
%
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
SPECIES: Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
Description:
Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
Feathering:
HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
Song:
A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
%
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
SPECIES: Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
Plumage:
All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
plastic digital watch with calculator.
%
The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
"What happened?"
"Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
%
The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force.
"$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
a cup."
The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
"It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
mix-up. Nothing serious."
Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
-- Another Episode of General's Hospital
%
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
%
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
the subject of towels.
Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
reckoned with.
%
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
the subject of towels.
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
%
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
"That's two," he said.
Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
shot the horse between the eyes.
"You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
%
The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
a position of negative need.
He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
liquid.
He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
prestige of His identity.
It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
into a pleasurific mood state.
You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
in the context of non-cooperative elements.
You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
time basis.
%
The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
master's office while the master waited in silence.
"This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
Is it not amazing?"
The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
said.
"Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
to this?"
"Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
pleased.
Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
you know where it might be?"
"Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
in the data center."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
have a quarter?"
The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
right! Can I have a dollar?"
%
The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
ation.
Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
recognition of the sanctity of human life."
According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
logically experienced citizens."
According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
%
"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
feel interested.
"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
Aged Man.'"
"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
Alice corrected herself.
"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
time completely bewildered.
"I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
--Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
-- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
%
The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
out on the water, round. Usurper.
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
%
The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
get results.
The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get results
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
toy problems in order to get results.
%
The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
The answer exists only in the Tao.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
%
The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as
early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless
is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
Iceland and get it from the Russians.
-- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"
%
The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
to the assembler.
The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
languages.
Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
the Tao.
But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
%
The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
would be no Tao.
The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
still has bugs.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
Dave!"
%
Them Toad Suckers
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
-- Mason Williams
%
Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
open market.
If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
himself.
Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
-- Kehlog Albran
%
Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
-- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
%
Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
his real problems.
The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
stand to live with.
-- R. Geis
%
"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
hard, to keep from falling.
Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
...
"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
-- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
this?
Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
-- Arthur Naiman
%
There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
but nothing was to be found.
On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
understand the Tao before transcending structure."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
%
There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
a man who answered one door.
"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
"Forty dollars."
"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
%
There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
"I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
"Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
they're carrying upstairs!"
%
There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...
%
There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
an accounting package or an operating system?"
"An operating system," replied the programmer.
The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
system," he said.
"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
is easier to design."
The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but
which is easier to debug?"
The programmer made no reply.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
an accounting package or an operating system?"
"An operating system," replied the programmer.
The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
system," he said.
"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
is easier to design."
The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
The programmer made no reply.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae
was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
things was itself the doing of them.
To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
spread only for demons or for gods."
-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
%
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
country. We're completely computerized.
"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
%
This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
making anything out of all the hard work.
If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
-- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
%
Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of
legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I
am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we
will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
politicians.
The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do
for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't
have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter
Thompson's disease.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
%
To A Quick Young Fox
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
-- Lazy Dog
%
To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
pint of ice cream nearby.
-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
%
Two men looked out from the prison bars,
One saw mud--
The other saw stars.
Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
in the head.
%
Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
sing, "Some day my prints will come."
A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
was Carmen or Cohen.
Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
%
Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
up to 340."
On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
work."
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
by law, up to and including nothing.
This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
attack shark at which point we relented.
-- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
%
"We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
predatory.
The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
-- William Burroughs
%
We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
you are so tired.
There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
%
"Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
psycho-prompter couch?"
"Thank you, Red."
"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
"Yes, Red."
"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
"Yes, Red."
"I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
explain the failure of your three marriages."
"Well, I--"
"We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
product."
-- Jules Feiffer
%
Well, he thought, since neither Aristotilian Logic nor the disciplines
of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
Time passed, unheeded.
Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
-- Wayfarer
%
"Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
ripped off..."
"He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
let him lie there all night."
"Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
"Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
in the street, bleeding to death...'"
"... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
"It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
-- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
%
"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
maim or kill innocent little children."
"Oh, so you don't like it?"
"Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
-- The Killing Joke
%
"Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
as follows."
"What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
"It means the Thing to Do."
"As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
%
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
%
"We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
-- The Washington Post, February, 1988
The New Yorker's comment:
At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
%
"We've decided to have the budgie put down."
"Oh, is he very old then?"
"No, we just don't like him."
"Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
"Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
above the beak."
"Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
"Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
-- Monty Python
%
"We've got a problem, HAL".
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
[...]
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
%
"What are you doing?"
"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
period."
%
"What are you watching?"
"I don't know."
"Well, what's happening?"
"I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
terrible."
"Why are you watching it?"
"You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
flow over you."
-- The Big Chill
%
"What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
fantasies?"
"You keep it to yourself."
-- Broadcast News
%
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
asked her mother.
"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
%
What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
and they remain permanent influences on your life.
Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
%
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
didn't believe in God".
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
-- Joseph Heller
%
"What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
-- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
%
"What's that thing?"
"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does. We call it a two-by-four."
-- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
%
When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
political views.
"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
"I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
moved farther to the left."
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
roll in.
Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
be solved.
Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
%
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
Rumania.
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
%
"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
%
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then. We're trying to catch her."
"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
%
While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
you burn, madam."
%
While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
"Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
mean?"
The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
why the sea is salt."
"I don't get you," said the assistant.
-- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
%
Why are you doing this to me?
Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
there is change.
-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
%
"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
night?" demanded the irate mother.
"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
"We did."
%
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
-- $40,000."
%
With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
"I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
"I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
"Okay. It's your wife."
"My wife!!"
"Yeah."
"What about her?"
Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
%
Work Hard.
Rock Hard.
Eat Hard.
Sleep Hard.
Grow Big.
Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
-- The Webb Wilder Credo
%
Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
Chips, as well as after Chips?
%
"Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
"What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
bury it or else throw it into the brook."
"Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
long, and two mouses wide."
I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
how it was used...
-- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
%
"Yo, Mike!"
"Yeah, Gabe?"
"We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
"I thought you fixed that last century!"
"No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
"Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
-- Cold Fusion, 1989
%
"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
%
"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen."
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
fit to hear his view of things?"
"Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
and you may feel free to kick his ass."
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
"You say there are two types of people?"
"Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
don't."
"Wrong. There are three groups:
Those who separate people into three groups.
Those who don't separate people into groups.
Those who can't decide."
"Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
two groups?"
"Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
"Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
"Yeah."
"So then there's a fifth group, right?"
"You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
minds."
%
Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
-- Quote from a 1910 periodical
%
Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
cats on the dinette table, etc.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
"We wound barbed wire around them."
"That stop him?"
"No, but it sure slowed him up."
%
Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
back to dust.
Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
despair.
So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
you are young.
-- Samuel Ullman
%
" "
-- Charlie Chaplin
" "
-- Harpo Marx
" "
-- Marcel Marceau
%
/\
\\ \
/ \ \\ /
/ / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
\//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
/ / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
/ \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
\ \\
\/
-- Eurythmics
%
___ ______
/__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
\ \ \ / /\\
\ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
_\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
// \__\/ / \ /\ \
_______//_______/ \ / _\/______
/ / \ \ / / / /\
__/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
/ / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
/_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
\ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
\_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
\ \/ / \ \ \ \ /
\_____/ / \ \ \________\/
/__________/ \ \ /
\ _____ \ /_____\/
\ / /\ \ / \ \ \
/____/ \ \ / \ \ \
\ \ /___\/ \ \ \
\____\/ \__\/
%
***
*******
*********
****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
*******
***
%
* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
%
It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
man.
-- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
%
=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
cold boot process.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
performance.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
please communicate them by one of the following paths:
ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
Wastebasket
Room NE43-926
Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
CAR and CDR now return extra values.
The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
it cold boots the machine so often.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
(LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
,LET)))
`(LET ((LET ',LET))
,LET))
This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
JCL support as alternative to system menu.
In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
(DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
(PROG (V P LP)
(SETQ P (LOCF V))
L (SETQ LP LISTS)
(%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
L1 (OR LP (GO L2))
(AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
(%PUSH (CAAR LP))
(RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
(SETQ LP (CDR LP))
(GO L1)
L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
(SETQ LP (%POP))
(RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
(GO L)))
We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
%
**** CONVENTION REMINDER
No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
%
**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
great potential.
%
I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
second per second takes over.
II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
stooge's surcease.
III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
%
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
2. The Nutcracker Swede
3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
7. Crisco Kringle
8. Babes in Boyland
9. Santa's Magic Lap
10. Hot Buttered Elves
-- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
Square"
%
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
-- Mark Twain
%
... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
-- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
%
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
%
=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
%
"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
MIT Press, 1987
%
... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
never when standing.
Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
astray by hunting and pecking.
-- from the Programming Pearls column,
by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
%
... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
-- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
%
... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The
question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of
the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A
discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
of this article.)
%
"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
%
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
other's private parts.
-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
%
... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
gain in 30 years.
-- Fred Brooks
%
... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
-- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
%
<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
%
... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
knows them in the naming.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
%
"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
Security Agency.
%
/* Haley */
(Haley's comment.)
%
... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
on lust, this would be a better world.
-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%
**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
%
... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
incalculable ...
-- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
%
>>> Internal error in fortune program:
>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
%
: is not an identifier
%
... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
superficial design flaws.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
%
... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
-- Sidney Hook
%
... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
-- John 11:43-44
%
"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
-- Opus
%
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
%
** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
%
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of
hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
optimal cachinnation.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
escalation of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
remain innocuous.
%
*** NEWS FLASH ***
Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
%
*** NEWSFLASH ***
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
Details at eleven!
%
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs.
-- Robert Firth
%
... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
-- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
"The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
lacteal fluid.
-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
canine with innovative maneuvers.
-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
%
... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
%
-- THE BATES MOTEL --
... convenient
... clean
... cozy
Norman, knock loudly,
I'm in the shower.
M.
%
-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
materials, there is conflagration.
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
optimal cachinnation.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
%
... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
layers that are going to be agreed upon.
-- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
%
... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
%
... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
-- The Firesign Theater
%
... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
from beginning to end.
-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
%
U X
e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
%
* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
%
VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
of science.
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.
IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
watching it happen to a duck instead.
X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
%
<< WAIT >>
%
... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
into doubt.
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
%
... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
-- Fred Brooks
%
... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
barely able to walk.
"Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
"The good news first!"
"All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
"And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
his life."
%
1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
%
(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
furniture, shelves, and showcases.
(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
Wash the windows once a week.
(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
coal for the day's business.
(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
individual taste.
(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
Works, 1872
%
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
%
1. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
-- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
%
[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
[2] Great generals are forewarned.
[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
[4] Four is an even number.
[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
Therefore, all horses are black.
%
1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
the social ramble ain't restful.
5. Avoid running at all times.
6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
-- S. Paige, c. 1951
%
1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
2 pints = 1 Cavort
Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
to 1 meter per second
One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
1 Word = 1 Millipicture
1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
%
1 bulls, 3 cows.
%
1) Never draw what you can copy.
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
%
1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
-- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
%
1: No code table for op: ++post
%
1) X=Y ; Given
2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
%
10. Not everybody looks good naked.
9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
future generations.
-- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1. A beer won't make you go to church.
2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
other beers on the side.
5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of
"Doberperson".
6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
folk music on yer fave radio station.
7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
toilet seat up.
9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
enormous can of vegetable juice.
10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
%
$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
%
1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
3/4 oz. tequilla
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. orange juice
3/4 oz. sour mix
1/2 oz. cola
shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
Long Island Iced Tea
%
13. ... r-q1
%
17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
Nine in the second place means:
The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
%
17th Rule of Friendship:
A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
noncancellable.
-- Esquire, May 1977
%
1893 The ideal brain tonic
1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
soda fountains
1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
1906 The drink of QUALITY
1907 Good to the last drop
1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
1919 It satisfies thirst
1919 The taste is the test
1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
1922 Thirst knows no season
1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
-- Coca-Cola slogans
%
1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
1929 The high sign of refreshment
1929 The pause that refreshes
1930 It had to be good to get where it is
1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
1935 The pause that brings friends together
1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
1938 The best friend thirst ever had
1939 Thirst stops here
1942 It's the real thing
1947 Have a Coke
1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
1963 Things go better with Coke
1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
1979 Have a Coke and a smile
1982 Coke is it!
-- Coca-Cola slogans
%
1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
2nd graffitiest: Why?
%
3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
[And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
%
40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
%
4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
-- /etc/motd, cbosgd
%
(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
and other good books.
(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
business permit it.
-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
Works, 1872
%
6 oz. orange juice
1 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. Galliano
Harvey Wallbangers
%
90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
%
94% of the women in America are beautiful
and the rest hang out around here.
%
A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
-- B. Franklin
%
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
%
A bachelor is an unaltared male.
%
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
and a boy for ever.
-- Helen Rowland
%
A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
%
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
-- Robert Frost
%
A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
-- Kipling
%
A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
-- Emerson
%
A beer delayed is a beer denied.
%
A beginning is the time for taking the
most delicate care that balances are correct.
-- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
%
A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
%
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
%
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
there's one white zebra."
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
white on one side."
The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
%
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
-- Cervantes
%
A bit of talcum
Is always walcum
-- Ogden Nash
%
A black cat crossing your path signifies
that the animal is going somewhere.
-- Groucho Marx
%
A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
resource centers along the roads.
-- The Underground Grammarian
%
A bore is a man who talks so much about
himself that you can't talk about yourself.
%
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
%
A box without hinges, key, or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
-- J.R. Tolkien
%
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
of turning around three times before lying down.
-- Robert Benchley
%
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
-- John Steinbeck
%
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
%
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
%
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
pole in a complex plane."
%
A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
-- Robert W. Service
%
A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
%
A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
-- Paul Valery
%
"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQUIRI!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
examine him about his recent diet.
"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
the problem?"
The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
%
A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
%
A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
%
A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
does not prove anything.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
%
A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
was enlightened.
From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
who passed it on to theirs.
%
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
%
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
in as Mr. and Mrs.
After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
a bill for $2500.
"There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
only three days."
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
and a half."
%
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
%
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
-- Thomas Ybarra
%
A chronic disposition to inquiry
deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
%
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
%
-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
%
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
%
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
%
A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
%
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle
%
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
%
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
-- Parkinson
%
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
-- R. Stallman
%
A company is known by the men it keeps.
%
A complex system that works is invariably
found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
%
A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
-- Victor Hugo
%
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
-- Joseph Campbell
%
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
-- Mitch Ratcliffe
%
A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
the president one of the latest talking computers.
Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
speed of light?"
Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
Computer: George Washington.
President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
Where is my father?"
Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
years ago!"
Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
landed a twelve pound bass.
%
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
%
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
cake without ketchup and mustard.
%
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
-- Fred Allen
%
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
-- Elbert Hubbard
%
A conservative is a man
who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
-- Alfred E. Wiggam
%
A conservative is a man
with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
%
A couch is as good as a chair.
%
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
license.
"Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
"Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
there, he don't have one!"
%
A cousin of mine once said about money,
money is always there but the pockets change;
it is not in the same pockets after a change,
and that is all there is to say about money.
-- Gertrude Stein
%
A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
this central section.
Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
%
A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
-- Whitney Balliett
%
A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
%
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
%
A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
%
A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
%
A dead man cannot bite.
-- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
%
A debugged program is one for which you have
not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
-- Jerry Ogdin
%
A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
-- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
%
A Difficulty for Every Solution.
-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
%
A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
-- Samuel Clemens
%
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
-- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
%
A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
-- Robert Frost
%
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
your birthday when you never look any older?"
%
A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
-- Adlai Stevenson
%
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
of her life?"
She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
%
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
%
A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
that you only have six weeks to live."
"Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
that?"
"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
last Monday."
%
A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
courtesy," he explained.
%
A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
what he meant.
-- Wilson Mizner
%
A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
-- Stanislaw Lem
%
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
%
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
-- Klipstein
%
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
%
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
she deserved.
-- R.A. Heinlein
%
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
%
A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
takes off and disappears into the distance.
The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
"Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
have a drumstick."
"How do they taste?" said the farmer.
"Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
one yet."
%
A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
should be masculine or feminine.
After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice.
"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
asked.
"Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
masculine."
"Unhhh... Well, why not?"
"Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
go!'"
[No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
%
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
drowned in the lake!"
"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
more chain than he can swim with?"
%
A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
A baby-sitter I've never yet
Baby-sits -- Had letters let
But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
A batter bats
(Or scatters scats);
A potting shed's for potting;
But no one's found
A bounder bound
Or caught an otter otting.
-- Ralph Lewin
%
A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
waiting for a taxi.
"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
"How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
%
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
%
A fool and his money are soon popular.
%
A fool and your money are soon partners.
%
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
%
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
%
A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
%
A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
-- Ruth Weston
%
A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
-- Robert Benchley
%
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
%
A friend is a present you give yourself.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
-- Steven Wright
%
A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
lawyers more than he hates his wife.
%
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
%
A full belly makes a dull brain.
-- Ben Franklin
[and the local candy machine man. Ed]
%
A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
people's demands.
%
A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
%
A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
%
A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
the engineer:
Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
electrical shock to the horse.
G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
cannot be detected in post-race tests.
G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
I decide what to do. Physicist?
Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
%
A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
-- Evan Esar
[ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
%
A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
-- Fred Allen
%
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
%
A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and
a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But
when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!*
%
A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
-- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
%
A girl's best friend is her mutter.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
%
A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
firm tuft of grass.
-- Donald A. Metz
%
A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
uncontrollable physical phenomena.
-- Donald A. Metz
%
A good man always knows his limitations.
-- Harry Callahan
%
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
-- Michel de Montaigne
%
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
%
A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
-- J. Hawes
%
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
-- Patton
%
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
%
A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
%
A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
you about yourself.
-- Lisa Kirk
%
A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
the table after you eat.
%
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
-- James Beard
%
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
to take it all away.
-- Barry Goldwater
%
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
to take it all away.
-- Barry Goldwater
%
A grammarian's life is always intense.
%
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
-- B. Franklin
%
A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
bushy black mustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
-- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
%
A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
not going to church on Sunday.
-- Russell Baker
%
A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
-- Carolyn Wells
%
A guy has to get fresh once in a while
so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
%
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
%
A halted retreat
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
To retain people as men -- and maidservants
Brings good fortune.
%
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
%
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
%
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
%
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
weight in other people's patience.
-- John Updike
%
A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
you use?
-- Paul Harvey
%
A Hen Brooding Kittens
A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
%
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
%
A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
A holding company is a thing where you hand
an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
%
A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
"Hello?" his friend answers.
"Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
"Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
"Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
%
A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
%
"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
-- So I hit him."
-- attributed to Ray Bradbury
%
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
%
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
%
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
-- Helen Rowland
%
A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
-- Don Marquis
%
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
%
A joint is just tea for two.
%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
%
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
-- Lao Tsu
%
A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
-- Lao Tsu
%
A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
Earthen vessels
Simply handed in through the window.
There is certainly no blame in this.
%
A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
%
A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
%
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
%
A king's castle is his home.
%
A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
words are superfluous.
%
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
-- Lillian Day
%
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
"Got one right here," replied the guard.
The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
%
A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
to the flypaper with all the other flies.
Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
-- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
%
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
-- Robert Frost
%
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
-- Willis Player
%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a
capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
%
A lie in time saves nine.
%
A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
trouble.
-- Adlai Stevenson
%
A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
%
A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
%
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
-- Aristotle
%
A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
-- Don Knuth
%
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
%
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
-- C.E. Ayres
%
A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
%
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
-- Fred Brooks
%
A little word of doubtful number,
A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
If you add an "s" to this,
Great is the metamorphosis.
Plural is plural now no more,
And sweet what bitter was before.
What am I?
%
A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
%
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
%
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steve Wright
%
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-- Thomas Hardy
%
A major, with wonderful force,
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
All the flowers looked round,
But no horse could be found;
So he just rhododendron, of course.
%
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
-- Carrie Snow
%
A man always needs to remember one thing about
a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
%
A man always remembers his first love with special
tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
-- Mencken
%
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
her again. Okay?"
"Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
on the side to make it interesting?"
%
A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
that it's cheating.
-- Yves Montand
%
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-- Joan Rivers
%
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
-- Du Bois
%
A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
"Is anybody there?"
A deep majestic voice answered,
"Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
"Help me!!" cried the man.
"I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
The man thought for a moment and cried out:
"Anybody ELSE up there?"
%
A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
in the road.
-- Alexander Smith
%
A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
Polish."
He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
the joke.
"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
"Nah," says the man.
"Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
"No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
five times."
%
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
%
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
-- Brendan Francis
%
A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
water..."
"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
"Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
"They're only four dollars apiece."
"I need *water*."
"Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
"Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
and he heads off into the distance.
The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
"Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
"I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
%
A man is known by the company he organizes.
-- A. Bierce
%
A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
-- Richard Thompson
%
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx
%
A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
the funeral for?"
"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
attacked and killed her."
"That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
%
A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
from around here, are you?"
"No," replies the man with the antennae.
"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
"Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
Martians have that?"
"Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
%
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
%
A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
%
A man may well bring a horse to the water,
but he cannot make him drink with he will.
-- John Heywood
%
A man of genius makes no mistakes.
His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
%
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
%
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
her aid.
Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
just want to get my saddle back!"
%
A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
he is able to answer.
-- Ronald Colman
%
A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
late card games.
"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
wakes up and gives me hell."
"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
"You do?"
"Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
she's asleep."
%
A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
why did you Di......eeee"
The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
"Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
"No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
why....eeeee did you.."
"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
Tell, me who is buried here?"
"My wife's first husband."
%
A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
-- Soren Kierkegaard
%
A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
in no other way.
%
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
%
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
find a girl willing to listen to him.
%
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
%
A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
%
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never quite sure.
%
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
%
A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
%
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
%
A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
-- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
%
A man's best friend is his dogma.
%
A man's gotta know his limitations.
-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
%
A man's house is his castle.
-- Sir Edward Coke
%
A man's house is his hassle.
%
A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
"It is right before your eyes," said the master.
"Why do I not see it for myself?"
"Because you are thinking of yourself."
"What about you: do you see it?"
"So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
"When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
"When there is neither `I' nor `You',
who is the one that wants to see it?"
%
A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
yet save her!!"
The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
6 feet high."
The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
%
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
-- P. Erdos
%
A meeting is an event at which the
minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
%
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
but to protect the writer.
-- Dean Acheson
%
A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
-- Leibnitz
%
A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.
-- Ogden Nash
%
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
%
A modem is a baudy house.
%
A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
-- Goldsmith
%
A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
the police.
-- Mr. Dooley
%
A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
language?"
%
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
-- Frost
%
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
%
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
%
A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
%
A musician, an artist, an architect:
the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
-- William Blake
%
A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
-- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
%
A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you.
-- Gore Vidal
%
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
-- Gore Vidal
%
A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
%
A national debt, if it is not excessive,
will be to us a national blessing.
-- Alexander Hamilton
%
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
%
A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
%
A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%
A New Way of Taking Pills
A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
-- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
%
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
to his death.
"DUMB YANKEE."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
gallon or two."
%
A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
%
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-- Yogi Berra
%
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
-- J.K. Galbraith
%
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-- Phyllis Schlafly
%
A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?"
The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect
within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly,
he has entered the mystery of Tao."
%
A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
before replying.
"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
enlightenment, several years later.
Commentary:
His Master is kind,
Answering his FAQ quickly,
With thought and sarcasm.
%
A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
%
A Parable of Modern Research:
Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
brightly lit corner.
"Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
"I can only see here."
%
A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
-- William S. Burroughs
%
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
%
A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
%
"A penny for your thoughts?"
"A dollar for your death."
-- The Odd Couple
%
A penny saved has not been spent.
%
A penny saved is a penny taxed.
%
A penny saved kills your career in government.
%
A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
-- Anatole France
%
A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
-- Thackeray
%
A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
%
A person who has both feet planted firmly
in the air can be safely called a liberal.
%
A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
%
A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
-- Donald Knuth
%
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
-- Elbert Hubbard
%
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
gets out and goes into the office.
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
check."
Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
acceptable.
"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
check," he says.
He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
"we're building a house".
%
A pipe gives a wise man time to think
and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
%
A place for everything and everything in its place.
-- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to memory management system services.]
%
A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
-- Stanley Baldwin
%
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
edible nutriments.
%
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
%
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
%
A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
"But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
"Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
the teller says.
"But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
"Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
"And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
"Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
paycheck?"
-- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
%
A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
-- Jean Paul Sartre
%
A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
-- Walt Kelly
%
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
%
A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
-- Lazarus Long
%
A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
-- K. Brecher
%
A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
of yours to press against my heart.
-- Goethe
%
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
%
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
%
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
-- George Eliot
%
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
asks you not to kill him.
-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
%
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
A programming language is low level
when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
%
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
drink with -- even if he drank.
-- Mencken
%
A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
%
A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
getting more sex than you are.
-- Victor Lownes
%
A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
-- Aristotle
%
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
your wife asks you for nothing.
-- Joey Adams
%
A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Archbishop."
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
up from being the Pope?"
"What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
%
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
-- Steel City News
%
A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
-- Saul Alinsky
%
A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
his neighbour notice it.
-- Trygve Lie
%
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
%
A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
%
A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
-- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
%
A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
people what to do with their money.
-- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
%
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
-- Ramsey Clark
%
A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all Heaven in a rage.
-- Blake
%
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
%
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
%
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
-- Plutarch
%
A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
%
A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
true. I'm very good in beds as well."
%
A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
-- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
%
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
%
A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
-- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
-- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
on Broadway".
%
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
vocation?"
The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
the vocation must fit the individual.
"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
scholar sobbed.
Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
%
A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
-- Max Planck
%
A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
the vexation of thinking.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
%
A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
ground.
-- J.W.N. Sullivan
%
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
worth committing.
-- Samuel Butler
%
A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
-- Don Marquis
%
A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
-- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
%
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
%
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
-- Joseph Stalin
%
A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
One perfect rose.
I knew the language of the floweret;
"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
Love long has taken for his amulet
One perfect rose.
Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
-- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
%
A sinking ship gathers no moss.
-- Donald Kaul
%
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
%
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
%
A snake lurks in the grass.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
%
A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
which is on its way out.
-- L. Ron Hubbard
%
A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
-- Proverbs 15:1
%
A soft drink turneth away company.
%
A song in time is worth a dime.
%
A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
"How are you?" they ask.
"Oh, I'm fine," he says.
"And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
"Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
dollars."
The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
"Where's Old Blue?"
"Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
years?'"
The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
%
A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
%
A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
-- Harry S. Truman
%
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
%
A stitch in time saves nine.
%
"...A strange enigma is man!"
"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
the statistician."
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
%
A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
%
A successful tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
-- S.C. Johnson
%
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach
%
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens
A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
-- by Franz Kafka
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
-- by J.R.R. Tolkien
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
Hamlet LITE(tm)
-- by Wm. Shakespeare
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
%
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens
A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
lady who knits.
Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
-- by Fyodor Dostoevski
A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
feels guilty and apologizes.
The Odyssey LITE(tm)
-- by Homer
After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
%
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
%
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
-- Michael Winner, British film director
%
A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
*Boston*."
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
help?"
%
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
%
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
sitting in the yard watching the pig.
"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
"Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
"Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
"And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
"Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
%
A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
-- Shaw
%
A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
%
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
-- William Blake
%
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
A violent man will die a violent death.
-- Lao Tsu
%
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
%
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
%
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
%
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
-- Ziggy
%
A watched clock never boils.
%
A well-known friend is a treasure.
%
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
Software rots if not used.
These are great mysteries.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
-- Addison
%
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
*for the rest of your life*.
-- Jim Samuels
%
A wise man can see more from a mountain top
than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
%
A wise man can see more from the bottom
of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
%
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
-- Chinese proverb
%
A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
were quite a struggle.
-- Edna Ferber
%
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
%
A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
%
A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
-- Scott
%
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
-- Jane Austen
%
A woman forgives the audacity of which
her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
-- LeSage
%
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
thankful for a good one.
-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
%
A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
she follows.
-- Chamfort
%
A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
she flies; fly from her, she follows.
-- Chamfort
%
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
-- Nietzsche
%
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
-- Nietzsche
%
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
and stupid.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
-- Stendhal
%
A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
%
A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
-- Maurine Lewis
%
A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
the circumstances.
One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
his head!"
The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
surprise for you!"
"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-- Gloria Steinem
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
%
A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
%
A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
%
A word to the wise is enough.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
%
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
what he writes fiction.
-- William Faulkner
%
A yawn is a silent shout.
-- G.K. Chesterton
%
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
%
A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
have that!" she gushed.
"No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
window and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
"No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
"Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
%
A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
"No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
"I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
terrific weekend."
%
A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
suggestions as to how to get started?"
A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
A: "But I never asked anybody how."
%
Abbott's Admonitions:
1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
the question.
-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
%
Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
%
Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
An angel writing in a book of gold.
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
And to the presence in the room he said,
"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
And with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
It came again with a great wakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
-- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
%
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
%
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
%
About the only thing we have left that actually
discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
%
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
-- Herbert Hoover
%
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
Above all else - sky.
%
Above all things, reverence yourself.
%
Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
%
ABSCOND:
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
of a dying relative and miss the return train.
%
abscond, v:
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
and miss the return train.
%
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
-- La Rochefoucauld
%
Absence in love is like water upon fire;
a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
-- Hannah More
%
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
it enkindles the great.
%
Absence makes the heart forget.
%
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
-- Sextus Aurelius
%
Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
%
Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
%
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
%
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
-- Stafford Beer
%
Abstract:
This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
-- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
#1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
%
Academics care, that's who.
%
ACADEMY:
A modern school where football is taught.
INSTITUTE:
An archaic school where football is not taught.
%
Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
%
Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
%
ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
%
Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic
of Western science.
-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
%
Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
Western science.
-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
%
Accidentally Shot
Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
-- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
%
According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
sheepish grin" comes from.
%
According to all the latest reports,
there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
%
According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
and a void.
-- Democritus, 400 B.C.
%
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
beat up their city anytime.
-- David Letterman
%
Acquaintance, n:
A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
well, I think of my sex life.
-- Glenda Jackson
%
Actor Real Name
Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
Cary Grant Archibald Leach
Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
John Wayne Marion Morrison
Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
%
Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
-- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
%
Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
%
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
only have one floor to go to.
Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
it is true for all N+1 floors.
QED.
%
Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
%
Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
-- Ovid
%
Adding features does not necessarily increase
functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
%
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
-- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
-- George Washington, 1732-1799
%
Adding sound to movies would be like
putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
-- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
%
Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
decorous age.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Adler's Distinction:
Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
and from the bureaucrats.
%
Adults die young.
%
Advancement in position.
%
Advertisements contain the only
truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
-- George Orwell
%
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it.
%
Advertising Rule:
In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
that it is curable.
%
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
%
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
%
African violet: Such worth is rare
Apple blossom: Preference
Bachelor's button: Celibacy
Bay leaf: I change but in death
Camelia: Reflected loveliness
Chrysanthemum, red: I love
Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
Clover: Be mine
Crocus: Abuse not
Daffodil: Innocence
Forget-me-not: True love
Fuchsia: Fast
Gardenia: Secret, untold love
Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
Leaves (dead): Melancholy
Lilac: Youthful innocence
Lilly: Purity, sweetness
Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
%
After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
especially that which is prohibited.
-- Newton Minow,
Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
%
After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
more advanced than the lichen family.
-- Dave Barry
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain. And futures have
A way of falling down in midflight,
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn
With every goodbye you learn.
-- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
%
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
%
After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
-- Jean Giraudoux
%
After all my erstwhile dear,
My no longer cherished,
Need we say it was not love,
Just because it perished?
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
%
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
%
...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
one foot in his mouth.)
-- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
%
After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
-- Italian proverb
%
After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
-- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
%
After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
Nobel Prize in 1923.
%
After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
straight to the point.
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
%
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
%
Against Idleness and Mischief
How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
-- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
%
Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
-- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
%
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
%
Age is a tyrant who forbids,
at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
%
Agnes' Law:
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
%
Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
%
Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
Or what's a heaven for ?
-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
%
Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
And I answer them most mysteriously:
"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
-- Bob Dylan
%
Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
%
Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
%
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
%
Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
%
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
%
Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
-- W. Clement Stone
%
Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
-- The Mad Dogtender
%
Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
bring me a message from a young man.
-- Moms Mabley
%
"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
Kansas City."
-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
been traded.
%
AIR:
A nutritious substance supplied by
a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Air Force Inertia Axiom:
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
%
Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
%
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
Ecole Superieure de Guerre
%
Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
-- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
%
Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
-- Dijkstra
%
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
%
ALASKA:
A prelude to "No."
%
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
-- Tom Robbins
%
ALBRECHT'S LAW:
Social innovations tend to the level
of minimum tolerable well-being.
%
Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
The surest poison is time.
-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
%
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
the closest our country has ever been to being even.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
-- Philippe Schnoebelen
%
Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
%
Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
important programming language yet developed.
-- T. Cheatham
%
ALGORITHM:
Trendy dance for hip programmers.
%
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
%
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
-- Arthur Baer
%
Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
-- Norman Mailer
%
Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
%
Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
%
Alive without breath,
As cold as death;
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail ever clinking.
%
All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
%
All art is but imitation of nature.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
%
All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
Catiline", by Sallust
%
All constants are variables.
%
All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
-- Chou En Lai
%
All generalizations are false, including this one.
-- Mark Twain
%
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
barely presentable.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
All Gods were immortal.
-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
-- Young
%
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
%
All heiresses are beautiful.
-- John Dryden
%
All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
-- Yoda
%
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
-- Dante Alighieri
%
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
-- Kingfish
%
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
-- Samuel Beckett
%
All I need to have a good time,
Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
All I want is to never grow old,
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
I want 97 kilos already rolled,
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
-- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
%
All intelligent species own cats.
%
All is fear in love and war.
%
All is well that ends well.
-- John Heywood
%
All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
%
All kings is mostly rapscallions.
--Mark Twain
%
All laws are simulations of reality.
-- John C. Lilly
%
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
-- Dawkins
%
All men have the right to wait in line.
%
All men know the utility of useful things;
but they do not know the utility of futility.
-- Chuang-tzu
%
All men profess honesty as long as they can.
To believe all men honest would be folly.
To believe none so is something worse.
-- John Quincy Adams
%
All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
Definitely a dog.
%
All most people ask of life is a constant
and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
%
All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
%
All my friends are getting married,
Yes, they're all growing old,
They're all staying home on the weekend,
They're all doing what they're told.
%
All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
-- Jane Wagner
%
ALL NEW:
Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
%
All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
%
All of the animals except man know that
the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
%
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
-- Stephen Wright
%
All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
-- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
%
All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
not use a hammer.
-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
%
All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
-- Groucho Marx
%
All phone calls are obscene.
-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
%
All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
-- Susan Sontag
%
All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
the last bug."
-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
All seems condemned in the long run
to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
-- James Martin
%
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
-- Saint Patrick
%
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
%
All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
%
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
All the evidence concerning the universe
has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
%
All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
With all the words gone, They all had their day
What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
And all the lines read, So small and so tender
There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
It reminds me of days of So what is this line
Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
I've read all the greats
Both starving and fat,
But none was as great as
"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
-- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
%
All the men on my staff can type.
-- Bella Abzug
%
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
-- Grant Wood
%
All the simple programs have been written.
%
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
%
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
-- Sean O'Casey
%
All the world's a VAX,
And all the coders merely butchers;
They have their exits and their entrails;
And one int in his time plays many widths,
His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
And shining morning face, creeping like slug
Unwillingly to school.
-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
%
All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
%
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
%
All warranty and guarantee clauses
become null and void upon payment of invoice.
%
All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
our lives."
-- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
%
All who joy would win Must share it --
Happiness was born a twin.
-- Lord Byron
%
All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
%
Allen's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
Alliance, n:
In international politics, the union of two thieves who
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket
that they cannot safely plunder a third.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
All's well that ends.
%
Almost anything derogatory you could say
about today's software design would be accurate.
-- K.E. Iverson
%
ALONE:
In bad company.
%
Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
%
alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
found in baas.
caaa, n: An automobile.
centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
someone involved with the Knicks.)
chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
computation.
-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
%
Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
"He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
-- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
%
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain
%
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
%
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
%
Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
-- Jimmy Hoffa
%
Always store beer in a dark place.
%
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%
Always there remain portions of our heart
into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
%
Always think of something new; this
helps you forget your last rotten idea.
-- Seth Frankel
%
AMBIGUITY:
Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
%
Ambition, n:
An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
America: born free and taxed to death.
%
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
-- Allen Ginsberg
%
America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
and the scum rises to the top.
-- Utah Phillips
%
America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
-- President John F. Kennedy
The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
-- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
by the majority they were at the time.
-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
%
America is the country where you buy a lifetime
supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
%
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
%
American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
%
American cars are made shoddily...
Cars made overseas are far superior.
-- Sen. Barry Goldwater
%
[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
we allow them short of hanging.
-- Samuel Johnson
America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
tail it knocks over a chair.
-- Arnold Toynbee
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
-- Jim Samuels
%
Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
%
Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
%
America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
%
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
%
AMOEBIT:
Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
and divide at the same time.
%
Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
-- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
%
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
%
An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
-- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
%
An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
-- Marlon Brando
%
An Ada exception is when a routine gets
in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
%
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
%
An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
%
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
-- Dylan Thomas
%
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
-- D.E. Knuth
%
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
%
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
language.
%
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
-- A Chinese child
%
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
"Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
Bohr chuckled.
"I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
%
An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
get to work?"
Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
transportation everywhere."
A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
R: "We take the train."
A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
R: "We take tanks."
%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
%
An aphorism is never exactly true;
it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
-- Karl Kraus
%
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
him last.
-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
%
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
%
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
%
An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
-- Isaac Asimov
%
An attachment a la Plato
for a bashful young potato
or a, not too French, french bean
must excite your languid spleen.
For, if you walk down Picadilly
with a poppy or lily
in your medieval hand,
every one will say,
as you walk your flowery way;
"If this young man is content,
with a vegetable love
which would certainly not content me.
Why, what a very pure young man
this pure young man must be!"
-- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
[The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
%
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
%
An economist is a man who would marry
Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
%
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
-- Adlai Stevenson
%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
An efficient and a successful administration manifests
itself equally in small as in great matters.
-- W. Churchill
%
An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
-- Homer Ferguson
%
An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
"We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
I've already paid them half of it."
"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
%
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
%
An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
%
An evil mind is a great comfort.
%
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
very narrow field.
-- Niels Bohr
%
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
-- Benjamin Stolberg
%
An expert is one who knows more and more about less
and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
%
An eye in a blue face
Saw an eye in a green face.
"That eye is like this eye"
Said the first eye,
"But in low place,
Not in high place."
%
An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
A manly man, to be a wizard able;
Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
His console, when he typed, a man might hear
Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
As old and strict he tended to ignore;
He let go by the things of yesterday
And took the modern world's more spacious way.
He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
And that a hacker underworked is a mere
Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
And I agreed and said his views were sound;
Was he to study till his head wend round
Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
As Andy bade and till the very soil?
Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
Let Andy have his labor to himself!
-- Chaucer
[well, almost. Ed.]
%
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
-- Simon Cameron
There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
bought they stay bought.
-- Bill Moyers
%
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
-- Henry Ford
%
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
%
An infallible method of concilliating a tiger
is to allow oneself to be devoured.
-- Konrad Adenauer
%
An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
-- Albert Camus
%
An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
by the corresponding row and column labels.
-- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
Intelligence"
%
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
"No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of
strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
"I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
funeral."
%
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
-- Don Marquis
%
An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
A pessimist is a married optimist.
%
An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
%
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
-- Michael Korda
%
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
-- Spanish proverb
%
And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
I've worried and worried and worried away.
Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
I've worried about it with all of my heart.
"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better - it's not.
So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
%
And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
provideth that they are nice and fresh."
-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
%
And did those feet, in ancient times,
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the Holy Lamb of God
In England's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark satanic mills?
Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I shall not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.
-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
%
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
%
And ever has it been known that
love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
-- Kahlil Gibran
%
And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
he shouted out, "YOPP!"
And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
"How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
them. No matter how small-ish!"
-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
%
And here I wait so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going thru all of these things twice
-- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
%
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
%
And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
them, aren't braced against them.
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
%
And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
Addams -- he was good for nothing."
-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
%
And if California slides into the ocean,
Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
I predict this motel will be standing,
Until I've paid my bill.
-- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
%
And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
%
And if you wonder,
What I am doing,
As I am heading for the sink.
I am spitting out all the bitterness,
Along with half of my last drink.
%
And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
-- Joan Baez
%
And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
-- David Jones
%
And miles to go before I sleep.
%
And now for something completely the same.
%
And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
hand...
%
And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
%
...and report cards I was always afraid to show
Mama'd come to school
and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
Got a good head if he'd apply it
but you know yourself
it's always somewhere else
I'd build me a castle
with dragons and kings
and I'd ride off with them
As I stood by my window
and looked out on those
Brooklyn roads
-- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
%
And so it was, later,
As the miller told his tale,
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale.
-- Procol Harum
%
And that's the way it is...
-- Walter Cronkite
%
And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
clothes! He is naked!"
-- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
%
And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
-- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
%
And the silence came surging softly backwards
When the plunging hooves were gone...
-- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
%
And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
%
And this is good old Boston,
The home of the bean and the cod,
Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
And the Cabots talk only to God.
%
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
-- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
%
And we heard him exclaim
As he started to roam:
"I'm a hologram, kids,
please don't try this at home!'"
-- Bob Violence
%
And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%
And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
-- The Grateful Dead
%
And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
-- Charles Dickens
%
And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
%
"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
he, earnestly.
-- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
%
Andrea's Admonition:
Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
it isn't and he can.
%
ANDROPHOBIA:
Fear of men.
%
Anger is momentary madness.
-- Horace
%
Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
%
Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
think you can, and that's the point, right?)
%
Another day, another dollar.
-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
Reagan.
%
Another megabytes the dust.
%
Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
-- Pyrrhus
%
Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
-- Proverbs, 26:5
%
Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
%
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
%
Antonio Antonio
Was tired of living alonio
He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
In a bowery shade,
Sitting and knitting alonio.
Antonio Antonio
Said if you will be my ownio
I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
You singular fish
Is that you will quickly begonio.
Antonio Antonio
Uttered a dismal moanio
And went off and hid
Or I'm told that he did
In the Antartical Zonio.
%
Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
-- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
cars across Europe.
%
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
%
Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
Is there a better way to die?
-- Charles Lindbergh
%
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
how to lie well.
-- Samuel Butler
%
Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
stupid.
-- Hedy Lamarr
%
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
%
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
%
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
%
Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
requires a heroism which is transcendent.
-- Henry Ward Beecher
%
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
%
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
be deemed to be a cat.
-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
%
"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
qualified who is willing to accept the post."
"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
can at least make a decision."
"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
young whelp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
-- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
%
Any president should have the right to shoot
at least two people a year without explanation.
-- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
%
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Any program which runs right is obsolete.
%
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
%
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain
just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you
cannot see the mountain.
-- Bene Gesserit proverb
%
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
-- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
%
Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
%
Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
-- J.P. Morgan
%
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
-- David Broder
%
Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
and in the right way -- that is not easy.
-- Aristotle
%
"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
thought on every occasion."
-- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
%
Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes,
bathe and not make messes in the house.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
-- R. Heinlein
%
Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
-- Elizabeth Zwicky
%
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
-- Mark Twain
%
Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
-- Philippus Paracelsus
%
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
-- Groucho Marx
%
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
-- Emmett Grogan
%
Anything cut to length will be too short.
%
Anything is possible on paper.
-- Ron McAfee
%
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
%
Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
-- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
%
Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
%
Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
-- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
%
Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
If you want to come, you're not invited.
%
APHASIA:
Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
%
APL hackers do it in the quad.
%
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
of coding bums.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
...and is best for educational purposes.
-- A. Perlis
%
Appearances often are deceiving.
-- Aesop
%
APPENDIX:
A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
%
Applause, n:
The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
April is the cruellest month...
-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
%
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
payday. Stop wetting your bed.
%
AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
able to lend you a few bucks.
%
Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
-- Peter Nelson
%
Are we not men?
%
Are we running light with overbyte?
%
Are Women Human?
In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
vote.
%
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Don't you know any better?
How could you be so stupid?
If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
%
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
Do as I say, not as I do.
Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
What did you do *this* time?
If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
When I was your age...
I won't love you if you keep doing that.
Think of all the starving children in India.
If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
I'm going to kill you.
Way to go, clumsy.
If you don't like it, you can lump it.
%
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
Go away. You bother me.
Why? Because life is unfair.
That's a nice drawing. What is it?
Children should be seen and not heard.
You'll be the death of me.
You'll understand when you're older.
Because.
Wipe that smile off your face.
I don't believe you.
How many times have I told you to be careful?
Just because.
%
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
Good children always obey.
Quit acting so childish.
Boys don't cry.
If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
Why do you have to know so much?
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
Oh, grow up.
I'm only doing this because I love you.
%
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
When are you going to grow up?
I'm only doing this for your own good.
Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
cry about.
What's wrong with you?
Someday you'll thank me for this.
You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
Don't you have any sense at all?
If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
Why? Because I said so.
I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
%
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
You wouldn't understand.
You ask too many questions.
In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
That's for me to know and you to find out.
Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
up for yourself.
You're acting too big for your britches.
Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
Wait till your father gets home.
Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
Shape up or ship out.
%
Are you making all this up as you go along?
%
"Are you police officers?"
"No, ma'am. We're musicians."
-- The Blues Brothers
%
Are you sure the back door is locked?
%
"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
"No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
%
"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
-- Monty Python
%
Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
or so pencils from marking the cloth?
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
%
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
-- O. Wilde
%
ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
%
ARITHMETIC:
An obscure art no longer practiced in
the world's developed countries.
%
Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
Union.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
Armor's Axiom:
Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
%
Armstrong's Collection Law:
If the check is truly in the mail,
it is surely made out to someone else.
%
Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
%
Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
(He died in 1921.)
Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
fantasy...
What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
piece would be better known as:
SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
%
Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
-- Muad'dib, "Dune"
%
Art is a jealous mistress.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
-- Picasso
%
Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
-- Chazal
%
Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
%
Article the Third:
Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
Article the Fourth:
The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
Article the Fifth:
Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
-- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
%
Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
artificial flowers have to flowers.
-- David Parnas
%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
%
As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
glass.
The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
down in one gulp.
Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
%
As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
-- Joseph Brodsky
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Einstein
%
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
%
As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
-- Frederic Reynolds
%
As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
-- J.F. Kennedy
%
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
%
As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
the potato salad.
%
As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
-- Steve Allen
%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
-- Jack Handey
%
As I thought, no better from this side.
-- Eeyore
%
As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
The words were torn and tattered,
From the storm the night before,
The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
%
As in certain cults it is possible to
kill a process if you know its true name.
-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
%
As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
on the austerity of the word.
-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
%
As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
%
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
3. Some people never look at me.
4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
5. My sex life is A-okay.
6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
12. I cannot read or write.
13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
16. I am never startled by a fish.
17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
19. People who break the law are wise guys.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
%
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
1. I think beavers work too hard.
2. I use shoe polish to excess.
3. God is love.
4. I like mannish children.
5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
full of mice.
12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
16. My eyes are always cold.
17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
19. I am never startled by a fish.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
%
As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
Follow it through, me canny lad O;
Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
Please update your programs.
%
As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
Please update your programs.
%
As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
Keywords: C sources
Distribution: na
I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
must be done?
%
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
-- Koko, "The Mikado"
%
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
my own programs.
-- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
%
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%
As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
divinity.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
-- The Cowboy
%
As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
-- Dave "First Strike" Pare
%
ASCII:
The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
receive."
-- Robb Russon
%
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
%
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
If God won't have you, the devil must.
%
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
will pay only the station-to-station rate.
-- Howard Kandel
%
Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
-- J.J. Gibson
%
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-- John Stuart Mill
%
Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
-- Garrison Keillor
%
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
-- Christopher Hampton
%
Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
-- D. Gries
%
Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
%
Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
-- D. Winker and F. Prosser
%
At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
a computer problem?"
"Remember the twin paradox?"
After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
%
At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
ignorance upon the shore.
-- Kahlil Gibran
%
At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
than blinkers it.
-- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
%
At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
-- Strange de Jim
%
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
-- John Keats
%
At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
-- H.R. Gumby
%
At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
and no further activities are scheduled.
%
At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
The image of Providing Nourishment.
Thus the superior man is careful of his words
And temperate in eating and drinking.
%
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
field on track.
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
%
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
gently!"
The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
guess who's going to die soon!"
%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
%
At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
-- Peter G. Alaquon
%
At times discretion should be thrown aside,
and with the foolish we should play the fool.
-- Menander
%
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
%
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
%
ATLANTA:
An entire city surrounded by an airport.
%
Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
-- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
%
AUCTION:
A gyp off the old block.
%
Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
-- G.J. Danton
%
audiophile, n:
Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
%
Auribus teneo lupum.
[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
%
AUTHENTIC:
Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
%
Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
-- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
%
Avec!
%
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
%
Avoid cliches like the plague.
They're a dime a dozen.
%
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
%
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
%
Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
%
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
in 1959.
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
bad fiction contest.
%
[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
-- Tris Speaker, 1921
%
BACHELOR:
A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
%
BACHELOR:
A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
%
Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
Business before pleasure."
%
Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
never really caught on.
%
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
%
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
and it was always snowing.
%
BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
%
Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
%
BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
%
Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
-- Socrates
%
Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
%
BALLISTOPHOBIA:
Fear of bullets;
OTOPHOBIA:
Fear of opening one's eyes.
PECCATOPHOBIA:
Fear of sinning.
TAPHEPHOBIA:
Fear of being buried alive.
SITOPHOBIA:
Fear of food.
TRICHOPHOBIA:
Fear of hair.
VESTIPHOBIA:
Fear of clothing.
%
BALTIMORE:
A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
%
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
The hippo has no sting, but the wise
man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
%
Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
%
Barker's Proof:
Proofreading is more effective after publication.
%
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
%
Basic Definitions of Science:
If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
%
Basic is a high level languish.
%
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
-- Seymour Papert
%
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
come in and sink my boats.
-- Woody Allen
%
Batteries not included.
%
Battle, n:
A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
will not yield to the tongue.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Be a better psychiatrist and the world
will beat a psychopath to your door.
%
BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
%
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
-- Homer
%
Be careful! Is it classified?
%
Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
%
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
situations that can't bear inspection.
%
Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
-- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
%
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
%
Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
-- Derek Bok
%
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
%
Be cheerful while you are alive.
-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
%
Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
-- De Maintenon
%
Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
the issue afterwards.
%
Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
%
Be independent.
Insult a rich relative today.
%
Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
%
Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
-- Wilson Mizner
%
Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
-- Pope St. Gregory I
%
Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
%
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
%
Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
and original in your work.
-- Flaubert
%
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
%
Be sociable.
Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
%
Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
%
Be valiant, but not too venturous.
Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
-- John Lyly
%
Beam me up, Scotty!
%
Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
%
Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
%
Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
%
BEAUTY:
What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
%
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
%
Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
%
Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
-- Jean Anouilh
%
Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
-- John Keats
%
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
-- Redd Foxx
%
Because I do,
Because I do not hope,
Because I do not hope to survive
Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
Because I do, only do,
I continue...
-- T.S. Pynchon
%
Because the wine remembers.
%
Because we don't think about future generations,
they will never forget us.
-- Henrik Tikkanen
%
Been through hell?
What did you bring back for me?
%
Been Transferred Lately?
%
Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
%
Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
%
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
-- Addison H. Hallock
%
Before destruction a man's heart is
haughty, but humility goes before honour.
-- Psalms 18:12
%
...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
power of meddling.
-- Joseph Conrad
%
Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
%
Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
they are "Let's eat out."
%
Before you ask more questions, think about whether
you really want to know the answers.
-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
%
Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
%
Beggars should be no choosers.
-- John Heywood
%
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
%
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
%
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
%
Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
basket!"
-- Mark Twain
%
Behold the unborn foetus and
Weep salt tears crocodilian;
All life is sacred (save, of course,
An enemy civilian).
%
Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
%
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
opposite applies with the judges.
-- Beyond the Fringe
%
Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
since it consists principally of dealings with men.
-- Conrad
%
Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
"Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
%
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
%
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
-- Eugene McCarthy
%
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
-- Blake Clark
%
Being owned by someone used to be called
slavery -- now it's called commitment.
%
Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
%
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
different from being stoned on gin.
-- Ralph Nader
%
Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
-- unnamed Justice Department official
%
Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
%
belief, n:
Something you do not believe.
%
Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
impossibly bad.
-- Honore DeBalzac
%
Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
%
Ben, why didn't you tell me?
-- Luke Skywalker
%
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
(1) Houses are for people to live in.
(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
%
Benson's Dogma:
ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
%
Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
none of his friends like him either.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
"I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
"Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
"The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
"The test or the room?"
"The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
why?"
"Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
-- House of God
%
Bershere's Formula for Failure:
There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
%
Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
victuals being spent and especially our beer."
-- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
%
Best Mistakes In Films
In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
possible.
In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
with television aerials.
In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
in the background.
In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
beta test, v:
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
%
Better by far you should forget and
smile than that you should remember and be sad.
-- Christina Rossetti
%
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
around while you have your life in such a mess.
%
Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
%
Better late than never.
-- Titus Livius (Livy)
%
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
%
Better the prince of some inferior court,
Than second, or less, in beatific light.
-- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
%
Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
%
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
-- motto of the Christopher Society
%
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
%
Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
-- Jeff Cooper
%
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
%
Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
-- G.H. Gonnet
%
Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to system service dispatching.]
%
BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
%
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
%
Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
%
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
%
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
a new wearer of clothes.
-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Beware of Bigfoot!
%
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
%
Beware of geeks bearing graft.
%
Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
-- St. Augustine
%
Beware of strong drink. It can make you
shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
%
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
%
Beware the new TTY code!
%
Beware the one behind you.
%
bi, n:
When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
%
Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
%
Big book, big bore.
-- Callimachus
%
Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
Mighty nice!
%
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
%
Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
%
Bilbo's First Law:
You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
%
Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
%
Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
generation to generation?
Mom: Yes?
Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
%
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
-- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
%
Bing's Rule:
Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
%
Biology grows on you.
%
Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
nightgowns do with keeping warm.
-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
%
Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
%
Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
%
Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
on the observer's movement in restaurants.
-- Douglas Adams
%
bit, n:
A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
ago.
%
Bit off more than my mind could chew,
Shower or suicide, what do I do?
-- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
%
Biz is better.
%
Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
are involved in when they burn stores.
-- Julius Lester
%
Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
They were just some of my tropical fish.
Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
Now I have many less tropical fish.
If you think that
Fish are peaceful
That's an empty wish.
Just dump them together
And leave them alone,
And soon you will have -- no fish.
-- To My Favorite Things
%
Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
She wants to hit those bricks,
'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
%
Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
%
Blessed are the forgetful: for they
get the better even of their blunders.
-- Nietzsche
%
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
%
Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
to say it.
-- James Russell Lowell
%
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
-- W.C. Bennett
%
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-- Alexander Pope
%
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
for he shall enjoy living.
-- W.C. Bennett
%
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
-- George Eliot
%
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
-- David Nichols
%
blithwapping:
Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
The judge's jokes are always funny.
%
Blow it out your ear.
%
Blue paint today.
[Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
%
Blutarsky's Axiom:
Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
%
Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
%
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
seemed to come from Texas.
-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
%
Bondage maybe, discipline never!
-- T.K.
%
Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
%
Booker's Law:
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
%
Boston:
An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
%
Boston:
Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports
fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
%
Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
on the same communications line connection.
-- Bell System Technical Reference
%
Boucher's Observation:
He who blows his own horn always plays the music
several octaves higher than originally written.
%
Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
-- Ralph Lewin
%
Bower's Law:
Talent goes where the action is.
%
Bowie's Theorem:
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
%
Boy! Eucalyptus!
%
Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
-- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
%
Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
'Advanced Systems Development' group!
%
Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
%
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
%
Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
which is all the time.
-- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
%
Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
-- The Mahabharata
%
brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
Multics, adj:
Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
because he/she should have known better. Calling something
brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
%
Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
kept going, sliding safely into third base.
With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
%
Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
-- Charles Lamb
%
Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
-- Randy Goebel
%
Break into jail and claim police brutality.
%
Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
Watch lights fade from every room.
Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
another day's useless energies spent.
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
Lonely man cries for love and has none.
New mother picks up and suckles her son.
Senior citizens wish they were young.
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
Removes the colors from our sight.
Red is grey and yellow white.
But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
-- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
%
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
%
bride, n:
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
%
Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
%
briefcase, n:
A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
%
Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
-- A. Benjamin
%
Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
-- "The Jabberwock"
%
Bringing computers into the home won't change
either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
%
Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
brusque, your character.
-- Jonathan Swift
%
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
-- Peter Ustinov
%
Brogan's Constant:
People tend to congregate in the back
of the church and the front of the bus.
%
brokee, n:
Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
%
BS: You remind me of a man.
B: What man?
BS: The man with the power.
B: What power?
BS: The power of voodoo.
B: Voodoo?
BS: You do.
B: Do what?
BS: Remind me of a man.
B: What man?
BS: The man with the power...
-- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
%
Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
%
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
%
bug, n:
An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
%
Build a system that even a fool can use
and only a fool will want to use it.
%
Building translators is good clean fun.
-- T. Cheatham
%
Bunker's Admonition:
You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
%
BURBULATION:
The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Bureau Termination, Law of:
When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12 months after the decision is made.
%
bureaucracy, n:
A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
%
Burke's Postulates:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
%
Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
-- Ken Weaver
%
Bus error -- driver executed.
%
Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
%
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
%
Business is a good game -- lots of competition
and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
%
Business will be either better or worse.
-- Calvin Coolidge
%
But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
%
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
But has any little atom,
While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
Ever stopped to think or CARE
That E = m c**2 ?
%
"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
"Tell 'em I lied."
%
But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
kill more than I could eat.
-- Raoul Duke
%
"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
"But I'm feeling much better..."
"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
%
But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
arrogance down.
-- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
%
But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
-- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
%
But it does move!
-- Galileo Galilei
%
But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
%
But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft a-gley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
For promised joy.
-- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
%
But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
%
But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
%
But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
%
But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
-- M. Proust
%
But these pills can't be habit forming;
I've been taking them for years.
%
But you shall not escape my iambics.
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%
But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
-- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
%
buzzword, n:
The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
%
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
%
By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
-- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
Fool's column.
%
By nature, men are nearly alike;
by practice, they get to be wide apart.
-- Confucius
%
By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
-- Charles Spurgeon
%
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
By the time you swear you're his,
shivering and sighing
and he vows his passion is
infinite, undying --
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
-- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
%
By the yard, life is hard.
By the inch, it's a cinch.
%
By working faithfully eight hours a day,
you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
-- Robert Frost
%
byob, v:
Believing Your Own Bull
%
BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
carefully print the chaff.
%
Byte your tongue.
%
C Code.
C Code Run.
Run, Code, RUN!
PLEASE!!!!
%
C for yourself.
%
C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
%
C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
%
Cache:
A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
is supposed to know is there.
%
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
coffee.
%
Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
damnation.
-- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
Life of Hall"
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to logical names.]
%
Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
%
Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
%
Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
Calm down, and speak to me in English,
Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
%
Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
%
Campbell's Law:
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
%
Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
%
Can anyone remember when the times
were not hard, and money not scarce?
%
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
Yes, work never begun.
%
Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
-- Robert J. Ringer
%
Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
when you're poor and unhappy.
%
Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
-- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
%
Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
%
Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
-- John Maynard Keynes
%
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
%
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
%
Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
the name Craney incorrectly.
-- Jim Canrey
%
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
the same can be said of dirt.
%
Carson's Consolation:
Nothing is ever a complete failure.
It can always be used as a bad example.
%
Carson's Observation on Footwear:
If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
%
Carswell's Corollary:
Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
%
Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
-- The Beach Boys
%
Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
-- Howard Chaykin
%
Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
%
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
-- Garrison Keillor
%
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
a sled through the snow.
%
Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
%
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
%
CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
%
Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
%
cerebral atrophy, n:
The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
cerebral darwinism, n:
The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
%
Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
-- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
%
Certainly the game is rigged.
Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
%
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
%
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
%
CF&C stole it, fair and square.
-- Tim Hahn
%
Chairman of the Bored.
%
Chamberlain's Laws:
1: The big guys always win.
2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
%
Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
Ain't nobody's business but my own.
-- Taj Mahal
%
Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
-- Anatole France
%
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
%
Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
-- Kathleen Norris
%
Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
%
Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
race in general.
%
Character is what you are in the dark!
-- Lord John Whorfin
%
CHARITY:
A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
%
Charity begins at home.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
Linus: To make others happy.
Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
%
Charlie was a chemist,
But Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
%
Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
without having asked any clear question.
%
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
%
Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
%
Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
%
Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
%
Cheit's Lament:
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
the next time he's in need.
%
Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
%
Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
%
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
%
Cheops' Law:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
%
"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
%
Chess tonight.
%
CHICAGO:
Where the dead still vote... early and often!
%
Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
%
Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
shivers when it's warm.
%
Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
%
Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
%
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
%
Chocolate Chip.
%
Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
a friend if she were a man.
-- Joubert
%
Chorus:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
And incriminating claus-marks on her
Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and
plays with elves!
-- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
%
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
%
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
difficult and not tried.
-- G.K. Chesterton
%
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
Angels We Have Heard On High,
Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
Driving his reindeer across the sky,
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
-- Tom Lehrer
%
Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
-- Herodotus
%
Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
-- Calvin Coolidge
%
Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
%
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
-- Mark Twain
%
Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
Clarke's Conclusion:
Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
%
Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
-- "Bugsy" Siegel
%
Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
leading the parade.
-- Bill Battie
%
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
-- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
%
Clay's Conclusion:
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
%
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
the walk before it stops snowing.
-- Phyllis Diller
There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-- Quentin Crisp
%
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
CLEVELAND:
Where their last tornado did six
million dollars worth of improvements.
%
Climate and Surgery
R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
%
Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
"Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
"Well, yes, I am."
"Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
please?" it asked the bartender.
The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
%
clone, n:
1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
is a clone of our product."
%
Clones are people two.
%
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
%
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
%
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
-- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
Sam: What's up, Norm?
Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
-- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
Coach: What's the story, Norm?
Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
-- Cheers, Endless Slumper
%
Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
-- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
-- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
Sam: What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
-- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
%
Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
-- Cheers, Snow Job
Coach: Beer, Normie?
Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
Eh, why not, I'm still young.
-- Cheers, Snow Job
%
COBOL:
An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
%
COBOL:
Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
%
COBOL is for morons.
-- E.W. Dijkstra
%
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
%
Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Cohen's Law:
There is no bottom to worse.
%
Cohn's Law:
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
%
Cold hands, no gloves.
%
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
%
COLLEGE:
The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
%
COLORADO:
Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
%
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
%
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
%
Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
Your winter garment of repentance fling.
The bird of time has but a little way
To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
-- Omar Khayyam
%
Come home America.
-- George McGovern, 1972
%
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
%
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
-- The Cyberiad
%
Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
-- John Donne
%
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands and crystal brooks
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
If you would be my POSSLQ.
You live with me, and I with you,
And you will be my POSSLQ.
I'll be your friend and so much more;
That's what a POSSLQ is for.
And everything we will confess;
Yes, even to the IRS.
Some day on what we both may earn,
Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
You'll share my life - up to a point!
And that you'll be so glad to do,
Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
%
Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
-- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
%
Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
%
Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
Stop up the access and passage to remorse
That no compunctious visiting of nature
Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
Wherever in your sightless substances
You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
To cry `Hold, hold!'
-- Lady MacBeth
%
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
%
Coming to Stores Near You:
101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
(You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
I'm Not Misbehaving
And A Whole Lot More...
%
Coming together is a beginning;
keeping together is progress;
working together is success.
%
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
-- Josh Billings
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein
%
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
Everyone thinks he has enough.
-- Descartes, 1637
%
Commoner's three laws of ecology:
1) No action is without side-effects.
2) Nothing ever goes away.
3) There is no free lunch.
%
Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
%
Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
-- Dan Klein
%
COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
-- J.N. Gray
%
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
is in the eye of the beholder.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%
Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
be enough.
-- Gene Scott
%
COMPLEX SYSTEM:
One with real problems and imaginary profits.
%
COMPLIMENT:
When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
%
compuberty, n:
The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
a sun4 is put online sharing files.
%
COMPUTER:
An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
%
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
%
Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
%
COMPUTER SCIENCE:
1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
precision of the former and the success of the latter.
2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
%
Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
-- Jim Horning
%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
-- Gilb
%
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
%
Computers don't actually think.
You just think they think.
(We think.)
%
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
-- LaRouchefoucauld
%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%
CONFERENCE:
A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
he's already decided to do.
%
Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
-- Josh Billings
%
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
-- Peter de Vries
%
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
the reputation.
-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
Confidant, confidante, n:
One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
fall flag on your face.
-- Dr. L. Binder
%
CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
A man who goes through life without a hitch.
%
Conflicting research paradigms
Have legitimized various crimes.
The worst we can see
Is in psychology,
Measuring reaction times.
%
Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
%
Confucius say too damn much!
%
Confucius say too much.
-- Recent Chinese Proverb
%
Confusion will be my epitaph
as I walk a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
-- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
%
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
hesitate to ask!
%
Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
Year award.
%
Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
Mathematician's Proof:
3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
odd numbers are prime.
Physicist's Proof:
3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
Engineer's Proof:
3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
Computer Scientist's Proof:
3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
%
Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
%
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
-- Shakespeare
%
Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
when everything else feels great.
%
CONSENT DECREE:
A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
never admitted to in the first place.
%
Conservative:
One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-- Leo C. Rosten
%
Conservative, n:
A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
-- Professor in the UCB physics department
%
Consider the following axioms carefully:
"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
and
"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
%
Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
-- Josh Billings
%
CONSULTANT:
(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
Calculator, Will Travel.
%
CONSULTANT:
An ordinary man a long way from home.
%
CONSULTANT:
[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
"insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
and heavy wallet.
%
CONSULTANT:
Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a
company for a number and then give it back to them.
%
CONSULTATION:
Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
%
Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
-- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
%
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
-- Lewis Carroll
%
Convention is the ruler of all.
-- Pindar
%
Conversation enriches the understanding,
but solitude is the school of genius.
%
Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
line-up.
-- Raymond Chandler
%
COPYING MACHINE:
A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
interested in reading them.
%
Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
-- Goethe
%
Correspondence Corollary:
An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
%
Corry's Law:
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
%
Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
being easier to stake.
%
Counting in binary is just like counting
in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
-- Glaser and Way
%
Counting in octal is just like counting
in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
%
Courage is grace under pressure.
%
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
-- Mark Twain
%
Courage is your greatest present need.
%
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
-- William Congreve
%
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
%
Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
between adequacy and excellence.
%
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
say it was obvious all along.
-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
%
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
%
Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
%
Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
-- James Blish
%
CREDITOR:
A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
%
Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
If you are the first to know about something bad,
you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
regardless of your formal duties.
%
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
-- Zeuxis
%
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
-- Brendan Behan
%
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
-- Socrates' last words
%
Cropp's Law:
The amount of work done varies inversely
with the time spent in the office.
%
Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
-- Madonna
%
Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
much work has already been done on it.
%
Crusade for Cthulu! It Found ME!
%
Crush! Kill! Destroy!
%
Cthulhu Cthucks!
%
Cthulhu for President!
(If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
%
Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
%
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
%
Cure the disease and kill the patient.
-- Francis Bacon
%
CURSOR:
One whose program will not run.
-- Robb Russon
%
curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
environment.
The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
with us.
MOZ DONG n.
Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Custer committed Siouxicide.
%
Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
-- Gerry Youghkins
If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
don't like it.
-- Gerry Youghkins
%
Cutler Webster's Law:
There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
%
CYNIC:
Experienced.
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
-- Jack Handey
%
DALLAS:
The city that chose Astroturf to
keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
%
Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
%
Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
%
"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
%
Damn braces.
-- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
%
Damn, I need a Coke!
-- Dr. William DeVries
[after implanting the first artificial human heart]
%
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
%
Dark and lonely on a summer night
Kill my landlord,
Kill my landlord.
The watchdog barkin'
Do he bite?
Kill my landlord,
Kill my landlord.
Slip in his window.
Break his neck.
Then his house I start to wreck
Got no reason,
What the heck?
Kill my landlord,
Kill my landlord.
C-I-L-L my landlord!
-- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
%
Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
-- Oliver Herford
%
Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
-- Princess Leia Organa
%
DATA:
An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
%
DATA:
Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
%
David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
* Hourly motel rates
* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
* Didn't just give up right away during World War II
like some countries we could mention
* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
* Our well-behaved golf professionals
* Fabulous babes coast to coast
%
Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
%
Davis's Dictum:
Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
%
DEADWOOD:
Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
%
Dealing with failure is easy:
Work hard to improve.
Success is also easy to handle:
You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
%
Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
-- C.N. Parkinson
%
Dear Emily:
How can I choose what groups to post in?
-- Confused
Dear Confused:
Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
the fringe groups.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
summarize. What should I do?
-- Editor
Dear Editor:
Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
summarizing a vote.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
What should I do?
-- Doubtful
Dear Doubtful:
Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
mail.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
I do?
-- Angry
Dear Angry:
Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
-- A Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned:
Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
society.
Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
they are always interested in good stories.
%
Dear Emily:
I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
to. How about an example?
-- Still Confused
Dear Still:
Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
will only show the the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
What should I do?
-- Forgetful
Dear Forgetful:
Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
it is."
Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
about the signature anyway.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily, what about test messages?
-- Concerned
Dear Concerned:
It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
by all USEnauts.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Freshman,
You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
%
Dear Lord:
I just want a one-armed manager so I
never have to hear "On the other hand", again.
%
Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
have to eat them.
%
Dear Miss Manners:
I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
umbrella without seeming insulting?
Gentle Reader:
Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
before making your attack.
%
Dear Ms. Postnews:
I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
should I do?
-- Eager Beaver
Dear Eager:
No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
posting it. All others please ignore."
This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
so post it as many places as you can.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
Yours faithfully,
Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
Sevenoaks
-- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
%
DEATH:
To stop sinning suddenly.
-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Death before dishonor.
But neither before breakfast.
%
Death comes on every passing breeze,
He lurks in every flower;
Each season has its own disease,
Its peril -- every hour.
--Reginald Heber
%
Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
%
Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
-- Erma Bombeck
%
Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
%
DEATH WISH:
The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
%
Debug is human, de-fix divine.
%
DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
-- Mel Ferentz
%
Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
erra, n: A mistake.
faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
Linder, n: A female name.
memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
season is when the Knicks quit playing.
-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
%
Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
-- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
%
Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
that your life is more interesting than it really is.
-- C. Schultz
%
DEFAULT:
The hardware's, of course.
%
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
-- Bill Musselman
%
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
%
(defun NF (a c)
(cond ((null c) () )
((atom (car c))
(append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
(nf a (cddr c))))
(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
(cond
((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
(lessp challenging 7)) () )
(t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
'((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
(car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
(car 2 caadr 4)))
(list '851-5071x2661)))))
;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
%
DEJA VU:
French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
something actually being encountered for the first time.
Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
something actually being encountered for the first time.
%
Delay is preferable to error.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to I/O system services.]
%
Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
child.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman
%
DELIBERATION:
The act of examining one's bread
to determine which side it is buttered on.
%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
%
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
steroid-free fitness center.
-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
%
Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
will get the blame.
-- Laurence J. Peter
%
Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
-- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
%
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
deserve to get it good and hard.
-- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
%
Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
forms that have been tried from time to time.
-- Winston Churchill
%
Democracy, n:
In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
-- Gerald Barry
The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
you don't have to waste your time voting.
-- Charles Bukowski
%
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
The remainder is thrown out.
Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.
-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
%
Dental health is next to mental health.
%
Denver, n:
A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
%
Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
%
Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
%
Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
%
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
-- R.E. Shay
%
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
%
Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
%
Design:
What you regret not doing later on.
%
design, v:
What you regret not doing later on.
%
Desist from enumerating your fowl
prior to their emergence from the shell.
%
Despite all appearances, your boss
is a thinking, feeling, human being.
%
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
-- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
%
Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
%
Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
-- L. Ron Hubbard
%
Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
Some do, some don't.
%
Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
and slim chance mean the same thing?
Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
%
Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
has already been born?
-- Benny Hill
%
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
-- Sue Murphy
%
Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
%
"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
Did you hear about the model who sat
on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
%
Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
%
Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
the number zero?
Is nothing sacred?
%
Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
only recaptured 116 of them?
%
Did you know?
EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED
Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
SPONSORED BY
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
%
Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
%
Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
-- P.J. Plauger
%
Did you know the University of Iowa
closed down after someone stole the book?
%
Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
-- Lovin' Spoonful
%
Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
%
"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
-- John Barrymore's dying words
%
Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
-- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
%
Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
%
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
-- Don Vonada
%
Dignity is like a flag.
It flaps in a storm.
-- Roy Mengot
%
Dime is money.
%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
%
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
%
Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
1 carton milk
%
Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
%
Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
%
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
asked him, after a few days.
"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
%
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
-- Sir Humphrey Appleby
%
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
%
Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
-- Daniele Vare
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-- Wynn Catlin
%
Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
-- Balfour
%
diplomacy, n:
Lying in state.
%
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
1: Get elected.
2: Get re-elected.
3: Don't get mad, get even.
-- Sen. Everett Dirksen
%
disbar, n:
As distinguished from some other bar.
%
DISCLAIMER:
Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
%
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
-- Chinese proverb
%
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
-- Euripides
%
Disk crisis, please clean up!
%
Disks travel in packs.
%
Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
%
Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
but it does make you part of a larger picture.
%
DISTRESS:
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
%
Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
acquaintance and without any visible reason.
-- Lord Chesterfield
%
Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
%
Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
-- Cary Grant
%
Do clones have navels?
%
Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
-- Amy Gorin
%
Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
%
Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
%
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
%
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
-- Aesop
%
Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
of them ever committed suicide.
-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
Their tastes may not be the same.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
-- Robert Heinlein
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
for they become soggy and hard to light.
Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
for they are subtle and quick to anger.
%
Do not overtax your powers.
%
Do not seek death; death will find you.
But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
-- Dag Hammarskjold
%
Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
%
Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
%
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
%
Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
%
Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
%
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
%
Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
word "lies".
-- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
%
Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
%
Do not worry about which side your
bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
%
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
%
Do, or do not; there is no try.
%
Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
%
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
%
Do unto others before they undo you.
%
Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
-- Aleister Crowley
%
Do what you can to prolong your life,
in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
%
Do you believe in intuition?
No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
%
Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
Can you see your neck?
Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
-- Garfield
%
Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
%
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
%
Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
to think at all.
-- T.H. White
%
Do you know Montana?
%
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
-- Pete Seeger
%
Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
answer, but a certain wrong answer?
-- Tobaben
%
Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
between Nixon and the White House.
-- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
%
Do you suffer painful elimination?
-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
Do you suffer painful recrimination?
-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
Do you suffer painful illumination?
-- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
Do you suffer painful hallucination?
-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
%
Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
%
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?
-- Stephen Wright
%
"Do you think there's a God?"
"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
-- Calvin and Hobbs
%
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
%
Do you think your mother and I should have lived
comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
%
Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
-- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
%
Do your otters do the shimmy?
Do they like to shake their tails?
Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
Is your garden full of snails?
%
Do your part to help preserve life on
Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
%
Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
%
Documentation:
Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
speaking persons.
%
Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
%
Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
and the rest of us.
%
Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
%
Doing gets it done.
%
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
%
Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
have got him.
%
Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
%
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't
be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
%
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%
Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
than I have to.
-- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
%
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
%
Don't confuse things that need action
with those that take care of themselves.
%
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
-- Firesign Theatre
%
Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
%
Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
-- Josh Billings
%
Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
-- Lt. Col. Ollie North
%
Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
Their tastes may not be the same.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
%
Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
-- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
%
Don't eat yellow snow.
%
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
%
Don't everyone thank me at once!
-- Han Solo
%
Don't expect people to keep in step--
it's hard enough just staying in line.
%
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
-- Anthony
%
Don't get mad, get even.
-- Joseph P. Kennedy
Don't get even, get jewelry.
-- Anonymous
%
Don't get mad, get interest.
%
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
%
Don't get to bragging.
%
Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
-- Baretta
%
Don't guess - check your security regulations.
%
Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
%
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
%
Don't I know you?
%
Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
%
Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
%
Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
%
Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
Probably soon after she throws me out.
%
Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
until you have hold of something else.
-- First Rule of Wing Walking
%
Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
-- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
%
Don't let your status become too quo!
%
Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
%
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
%
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
%
Don't lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
-- Burma Shave
%
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
%
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
-- Scottish Proverb
%
Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
%
Don't plan any hasty moves.
You'll be evicted soon anyway.
%
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Don't quit now, we might just as well
lock the door and throw away the key.
%
Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
%
Don't read everything you believe.
%
Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
%
Don't remember what you can infer.
-- Harry Tennant
%
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
%
Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
%
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
%
Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
%
Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
%
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
-- P. Skelly
%
Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
-- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
%
Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
%
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
sodomy and the lash.
-- Winston Churchill
%
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
%
Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
-- James J. Ling
%
Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
-- Watchman Examiner
%
Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
%
Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal.
-- Zaphod Beeblebrox
%
Don't vote - it only encourages them!
%
Don't wake me up too soon...
Gonna take a ride across the moon...
You and me.
%
Don't worry. Life's too long.
-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
%
Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
%
Don't Worry, Be Happy.
-- Meher Baba
%
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
you can always take something for it.
%
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
%
"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
"Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
"... I thought you said you were an accountant."
%
Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
want to help you could agree with each other?
%
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
%
Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
you through times of no dope.
-- Gilbert Shelton
%
Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
without brains do an awful lot of talking.
-- The Wizard of Oz
%
Double!
%
Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
-- Voltaire
%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-- Voltaire
%
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
-- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
%
Down to the Banana Republics,
Down to the tropical sun.
Go the expatriated Americans,
Hoping to find some fun.
Some of them go for the sailing,
Caught by the lure of the sea.
Trying to find what is ailing,
Living in the land of the free.
Some of them are running from lovers,
Leaving no forward address.
Some of them are running tons of ganja,
Some are running from the IRS.
Late at night you will find them,
In the cheap hotels and bars.
Hustling the senoritas,
While they dance beneath the stars.
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
%
Dow's Law:
In a hierarchical organization,
the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
%
Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
kill him.
-- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
%
Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
luxury that you never feel hungry.
Here's how the diet works:
FOODS ALLOWED
First Month: One egg
Second Month: A raisin
Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
%
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
%
Dr. Livingston?
Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
%
Draft beer, not people.
%
Drakenberg's Discovery:
If you can't seem to find your glasses,
it's probably because you don't have them on.
%
Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
%
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
%
Drilling for oil is boring.
%
Drink and dance and laugh and lie
Love, the reeling midnight through
For tomorrow we shall die!
(But, alas, we never do.)
-- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
%
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
%
Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
instant motor skills.
-- Marc Price
%
Drinking is not a spectator sport.
-- Jim Brosnan
%
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
with, that it's compounding a felony.
-- Robert Benchley
%
Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
-- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
%
Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
brush after them.
%
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
life!"
%
Drop that pickle!
%
DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
-- The Adventurer
%
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
-- The Adventurer
%
drug, n:
A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
paper.
%
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
lot a poker.
-- Karyl Roosevelt
%
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Ducharme's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
%
Duckies are fun!
%
Ducks? What ducks??
%
Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
%
During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
-- James Madison
%
During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
perform as president?"
Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
inexperience."
%
During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
and fly your colors proudly.
%
Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
-- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
%
Duty, n:
What one expects from others.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
-- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
%
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
-- Woody Allen
%
E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
%
Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
%
Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
-- Kernighan
%
Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
%
Each of us bears his own Hell.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
%
Each person has the right to take the subway.
%
EARL GREY PROFILES
NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
AGE: 94
BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
EYES: Grey
SKIN: Tanned
HAIR: Not much
LAST MAGAZINE READ:
Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
%
Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
21st century aircraft:
"The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
pilot if he touches anything.
-- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
%
Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
%
Early to rise and early to bed makes
a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
-- James Thurber
%
Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
%
/earth: file system full.
%
Easy come and easy go,
some call me easy money,
Sometimes life is full of laughs,
and sometimes it ain't funny
You may think that I'm a fool
and sometimes that is true,
But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
with or without you.
-- Hoyt Axton
%
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
-- Harry Secombe's diet
%
Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
%
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
%
Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
%
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.
[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
%
Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
%
Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
%
Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
%
economics, n.:
Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Economies of scale:
The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
those limitations.
%
economist, n:
Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
personality to become an accountant.
%
Editing is a rewording activity.
%
Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
-- Charlotte Observer, 1897
%
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
%
Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
-- Daniel J. Boorstin
%
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
-- Irwin Edman
%
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
-- B.F. Skinner
%
Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
royal-blue chickens.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Ego sum ens omnipotens
%
Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
%
Egotism, n:
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
Egotist, n:
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
%
...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
original joy his falling in love with Ada.
-- Nabokov
%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
engineer.
-- Fred Brooks
%
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
-- C. Degen
%
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
-- Groucho Marx' last words
%
ELBONICS:
The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theatre.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
ELECTRIC JELL-O
2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
fully dissolved.
Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
the faint of heart.
Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
Cut into squares and enjoy!
WARNING:
Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
children under eight years of age.
%
Elegance and truth are inversely related.
-- Becker's Razor
%
Elephant, n:
A mouse built to government specifications.
%
Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
%
Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
"Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
Half asleep, Eli murmured,
"Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
%
Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
%
Elliptical, n:
The feel of a kiss.
%
Eloquence is logic on fire.
%
Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
%
Emacs, n:
A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
%
Encyclopedia for sale by father.
Son knows everything.
%
Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
Endless the quest;
I turn again, back to my own beginning,
And here, find rest.
%
Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
-- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
%
Engineering: "How will this work?"
Science: "Why will this work?"
Management: "When will this work?"
Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
%
English literature's performing flea.
-- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
%
Engram, n:
1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
time.]
-- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
%
enhance, v:
To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
%
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
%
Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
%
Entrepreneur, n:
A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
%
Entropy requires no maintenance.
-- Markoff Chaney
%
Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
-- Onasander
%
Envy, n:
Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
instead of having to try and acquire one.
%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists
that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
-- Jerome Lettvin
%
Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
-- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
%
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
%
Eschew obfuscation.
%
Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
%
E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
%
Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
-- Tom Stoppard
%
Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
fashion for those with no taste.
%
Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
-- Goethe, "Faust"
%
Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
over roulette.
-- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
%
Eureka!
-- Archimedes
%
Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
%
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
%
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
%
Even a man who is pure at heart,
And says his prayers at night
Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
And the moon is full and bright.
-- The Wolf Man, 1941
%
Even God cannot change the past.
-- Joseph Stalin
%
Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
-- Menander
%
Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
-- Aristophanes
%
Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
A fairer summer and a later fall
Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
I tell you this across the blackened vine.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
%
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
%
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
just a bit unchivalrous...
-- Robert Benchley
%
Events are not affected, they develop.
-- Sri Aurobindo
%
Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
%
Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
%
Ever get the feeling that the world's
on tape and one of the reels is missing?
-- Rich Little
%
Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
Simple coincidence?
Maybe...
%
Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
We're big but bigger we will be,
We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
Has been our aim.
Our products now are known in every zone.
Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
We've fought our way thru
And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
For the Ever Onward IBM!
-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
%
Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
We're bound for the top to never fall,
Right here and now we thankfully
Pledge sincerest loyalty
To the corporation that's the best of all
Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
Let's show the world just what we think of them!
So let us sing men -- Sing men
Once or twice, then sing again
For the Ever Onward IBM!
-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
%
Ever since I was a young boy,
I've hacked the ARPA net,
From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
Sure sends a mean packet.
He's a UNIX wizard,
There has to be a twist.
The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
The proper bit flags set,
That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
Sure sends a mean packet.
-- UNIX Wizard
%
Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
%
Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
Because newspapers are read too.
Two and Two is four.
Four and four is eight.
Eight and four is twelve.
There are twelve inches in a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ship.
Ships sail the sea.
There are fishes in the sea.
Fishes have fins.
The Fins fought the Russians.
Russians are red.
Fire engines are always rush'n.
Therefore fire engines are red.
%
Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
question."
[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
%
Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
the last but one.
-- Adolph Hitler
%
Every cloud engenders not a storm.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Every cloud has a silver lining;
you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
%
Every country has the government it deserves.
-- Joseph De Maistre
%
Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
%
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
-- Don Vonada
%
Every love's the love before
In a duller dress.
-- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
%
Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
%
Every man takes the limits of his own field
of vision for the limits of the world.
-- Schopenhauer
%
Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
and powerful know that he is.
-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
%
Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
-- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
%
Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
-- Barrie
%
Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
up, you'd better be running.
%
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
%
Every night my prayers I say,
And get my dinner every day;
And every day that I've been good,
I get an orange after food.
The child that is not clean and neat,
With lots of toys and things to eat,
He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
Or else his dear papa is poor.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
when they aren't.
When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
%
Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
-- Morris Kline
%
Every path has its puddle.
%
Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
%
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
%
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
bend a disk.
-- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
of their movement.
%
Every successful person has had failures
but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
%
Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
-- Jean Baechler
%
Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
%
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
%
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
%
Every time you manage to close the door on
Reality, it comes in through the window.
%
Every why hath a wherefore.
-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
%
Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
the best one.
-- Jack Hurley
%
Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
"Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
you're fired. As of right now."
Sam signed the papers immediately.
"Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
couldn't have signed earlier?"
"Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
clearly before."
%
Everybody has something to conceal.
-- Humphrey Bogart
%
Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-- Dykstra
%
Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
just died.
Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
-- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
%
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
-- Arthur Miller
%
Everybody needs a little love sometime;
stop hacking and fall in love!
%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
%
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
%
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
%
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
%
Everyone is in the best seat.
-- John Cage
%
Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
-- Rudyard Kipling
%
Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
to get them.
-- Dirty Harry
%
Everyone was born right-handed.
Only the greatest overcome it.
%
Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
1. They want it quick.
2. They want it good.
3. They want it cheap.
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
%
Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
%
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
%
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
%
Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
%
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
-- Alexander Woollcott
%
Everything in this book may be wrong.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Everything is possible. Pass the word.
-- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
%
Everything might be different in the present
if only one thing had been different in the past.
%
Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
%
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein
%
Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
-- Erwin Tomash
%
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
%
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
%
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
%
Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
-- Erwin Knoll
%
Everything's great in this good old world;
(This is the stuff they can always use.)
God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
-- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
%
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
-- Flannery O'Connor
%
Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
Everyone is looking for the answer,
Well look again.
-- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
%
Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
Evolution is a million line computer
program falling into place by accident.
%
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
respect to theories about how the process operates.
-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
%
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.
-- C.C. Colton
%
Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
It is the only thing.
-- Albert Schweitzer
%
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
-- Miller
%
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
%
Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility.
%
Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
-- Marcus Aurelius
%
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
%
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
%
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
%
Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
%
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
%
Expedience is the best teacher.
%
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
-- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
%
Experience is not what happens to you;
it is what you do with what happens to you.
-- Aldous Huxley
%
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
%
Experience, n:
Something you don't get until just after you need it.
-- Olivier
%
Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
-- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
%
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%
Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
%
External Security:
%
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
Implications for Psi Phenomena".
%
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
%
Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
of justice is no virtue.
-- Barry Goldwater
%
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
%
f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
%
FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
%
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
%
Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
-- Sven Italla
%
Facts are the enemy of truth.
-- Don Quixote
%
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
-- Aldous Huxley
%
Failed Attempts To Break Records
In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
doesn't even shout at me."
In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
drone got waterlogged," he said.
A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
%
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
-- Sir Walter Raleigh
%
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%
Faith is under the left nipple.
-- Martin Luther
%
Falling in Love
When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
good idea to check with your doctor.
-- Dave Barry
%
Falling in love is a lot like dying.
You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
%
Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
restraint.
-- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
%
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
-- Mark Twain
%
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
-- Marlo Thomas
%
Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
%
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain
%
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
-- Su Tung-p'o
%
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
forgotten your aim.
-- George Santayana
%
"Fantasies are free."
"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
%
Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
was the Empire forged.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
%
Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
stressful than divorce.
-- Wall Street Journal
%
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
-- Victor Hugo
%
Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
%
Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
-- Han Solo
%
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
-- Bill Cosby
%
Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
%
Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
%
Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
%
Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
-- Joe Orton, "Loot"
%
FEAR:
What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
%
Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
-- H.S. Thompson
%
Fear is the greatest salesman.
-- Robert Klein
%
feature, n:
A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
%
Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
disadvantaged.
%
Feel disillusioned?
I've got some great new illusions, right here!
%
Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
it's Microsoft!"
%
Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadroped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
-- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
%
Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
yours to the bottom of the list.
Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
%
Female rabbits:
The gift that just "keeps on giving."
%
FENDERBERG:
The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
of car fenders during snowstorms.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Ferguson's Precept:
A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
%
Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
basic difference between robots and humans?
Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
-- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
%
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-- Mark Twain
%
Fidelity, n:
A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
%
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
-- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
%
File cabinet:
A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
%
filibuster, n:
Throwing your wait around.
%
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
Finagle's Eighth Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Ninth Law:
No matter what results are expected,
someone is always willing to fake it.
Finagle's Tenth Law:
No matter what the result someone
is always eager to misinterpret it.
Finagle's Eleventh Law:
No matter what occurs, someone believes
it happened according to his pet theory.
%
Finagle's First Law:
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Finagle's Second Law:
Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up,
anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Finagle's Fifth Law:
Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
Finagle's Sixth Law:
Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%
Finagle's Seventh Law:
The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
%
Finality is death.
Perfection is finality.
Nothing is perfect.
There are lumps in it.
%
Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.
%
Finster's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
%
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
%
First law of debate:
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
%
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
%
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
-- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
%
First rule of public speaking.
First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
then tell 'em;
then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
%
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
Dial-A-Wombat.
It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
another phone booth.
There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
released it, too, in the scrub.
But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
telephone booths.
-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980.
%
"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
trees to prove their manhood.
-- Dave Barry
%
Fishbowl, n:
A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
promoted managers are kept for observation.
%
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
-- Jimmy Cannon
%
Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
-- Adolfo Guzman
%
Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
Yes, I'm goin' insane,
And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
Yes, and goin' insane,
You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
(chorus)
-- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
%
Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
Irish Political History".
%
Five rules for eternal misery:
1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
how much better things might have been or how much worse
things might become).
5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
follow the first four rules.
%
Flame on!
-- Johnny Storm
%
FLANNISTER:
The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
-- Josh Billings
%
Flattery will get you everywhere.
%
Flee at once, all is discovered.
%
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
-- Helen Rowland
%
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
%
Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
%
"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
-- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
commenting on rumors of womanizing.
%
Foolproof Operation:
No provision for adjustment.
%
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
%
Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
%
Football combines the two worst features of American life.
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
%
Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
-- Jimmy Breslin
%
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
%
For a light heart lives long.
-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
For adult education nothing beats children.
%
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
-- Gore Vidal
%
For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
%
For courage mounteth with occasion.
-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
%
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-- Harrison
%
For every bloke who makes his mark,
there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
-- Andy Capp
%
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
-- R. Clopton
%
For every human problem, there is a neat,
plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
-- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
%
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
%
For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
and cook.
-- Quentin Crisp
%
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
-- Alexander Pope
%
For gin, in cruel
Sober truth,
Supplies the fuel
For flaming youth.
-- Noel Coward
%
For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
%
For good, return good.
For evil, return justice.
%
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
%
For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
but with break of day I went to make supplication.
-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
%
For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
implacable grandeur of this life.
-- Albert Camus
%
For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
And no quarrel a knight ought to take
But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
-- Stephen Hawes
%
For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
-- Sir Thomas More
%
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
get themselves filed.
-- Clifton Fadiman
%
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Stephen Wright
%
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Steven Wright
%
For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
and bad music may be put on record forever.
-- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
%
For people who like that kind of book,
that is the kind of book they will like.
%
FOR SALE:
Parachute. Used once.
Never opened. Slightly Stained.
%
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
was a gate.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to system overview.]
%
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
This gives me great hope for the human race.
-- Harlan Ellison
%
For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
%
For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to powerfail recovery.]
%
For they starve the frightened little child
Till it weeps both night and day:
And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
And gibe the old and grey,
And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
And none a word may say.
Each narrow cell in which we dwell
Is a foul and dark latrine,
And the fetid breath of living Death
Chokes up each grated screen,
And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
In Humanity's machine.
And all men kill the thing they love,
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
spend my evenings?"
-- Chamfort
%
For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
protected species.
Ingredients:
1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
1 teaspoonful salt
8 oz. shredded suet
2 small onions
1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
four to five hours.
%
Force has no place where there is need of skill.
-- Herodotus
%
"Force is but might," the teacher said--
"That definition's just."
The boy said naught but thought instead,
Remembering his pounded head:
"Force is not might but must!"
%
Force it!!!
If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
%
FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
%
Forecast, n:
A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
%
Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
%
Forgetfulness, n:
A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
%
Forgive and forget.
-- Cervantes
%
Forgive him,
for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
-- G.B. Shaw
%
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-- Robert Frost
%
Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
-- John F. Kennedy
%
Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
%
FORTH IF HONK THEN
%
FORTRAN is a good example of a language
which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
-- D. Gries
[What's good about it? Ed.]
%
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
%
FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
-- A.J. Perlis
%
FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
-- Steven Feiner
%
FORTRAN rots the brain.
-- John McQuillin
%
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is
hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have
in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive
to use.
-- E.W. Dijkstra
%
[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
probably for at least the next decade.
-- T. Cheatham
%
Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
%
Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
the accepted body of scientific evidence.
-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
No. 2, pg. 215
%
Fortune and love befriend the bold.
-- Ovid
%
FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
my dissertation to rhyme.
%
FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
Q: Is God a myth?
A: No, He's a mythter.
%
fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
party".
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
these classes rarely prove effective.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
Shoes:
The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
Making friends:
A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
jerk, I guess you're OK."
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
Desserts:
A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
grabbing the cherry in the center.
Car repair:
The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
fixed without special tools".
The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
the average man.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Clothes:
Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
Trust:
The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
Driving:
A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
price their policies accordingly.
A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
her makeup.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
Going Out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the laundromat. This is a myth.
Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
CARTABLANCA:
Bogart stars as the owner of a north African nightclub that sells
only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
MONOPOLI:
Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
Boardwalk property.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
With Julie Christie.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
into your heart.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
WITLESS:
Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
a glowing performance.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
younger viewers.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
(if sometimes fatal) lesson.
THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
%
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
as that in support of an affirmative.
-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
%
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
seems to us that someone has been very careless.
-- 78 So. 365.
%
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
-- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
%
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
skilled oral communicator:
Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
skilled written communicator:
Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
growth potential:
With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
key company figure:
Serves as the perfect counter example.
%
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
consistent:
Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
an excellent sounding board:
Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
a planner and organizer:
Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
animal tags on his clothing.
%
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
has management potential:
Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
pencil monitor.
inspirational:
A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
go I.")
adapts to stress:
Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
situation.
goal oriented:
Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
to meet them.
%
Fortune favors the lucky.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
Cowboy cheerleaders.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
Juliet, this bud's for you.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
you've made happy.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
No, I guess not.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
%
fortune: No such file or directory
%
fortune: not found
%
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
renkontas. I've met.
La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
%
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
%
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
^cevalon.
Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
%
FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
A: To be or not to be.
Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A: Chicken Teriyaki.
Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
A: Go west, young man, go west!
Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
%
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
%
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
"And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
-- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
%
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
%
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
Try:
ar t "God"
drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
rm God
man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
make "heads or tails of all this"
who is smart
(C shell)
If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
%
Fortune's current rates:
Answers .10
Long answers .25
Answers requiring thought .50
Correct answers $1.00
Dumb looks are still free.
%
Fortune's diet truths:
1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
appealing as tepid beer.
6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
it isn't.
8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
swallowing.
%
Fortune's Exercising Truths:
1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
you twitter around in your chair.
6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
followed by one throw-up.
9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
%
FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
Christmas Rum Cake
1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
poothtick comes out crean.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
rather then a spotted one.
Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a
legume-part of the pea family.
A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
Can you name the seven seas?
Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
North Pacific, South Pacific.
Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
at least once a year.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
ability in that particular field."
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
%
Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
August 27, 1949:
A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
%
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
What to do...
if reality disappears?
Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
%
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
What to do...
if you get a phone call from Mars:
Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
calling.
if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
charges may have been reversed.
%
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
What to do...
if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
film, and, given the state of computer animation, no one will believe
you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
closet contains an alternate dimension?
Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
%
Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
combination of beauty and power. Few have
excelled him in the use of the English language,
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
single poem ever written."
Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
bungling and greed of President
Roosevelt.
... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
%
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
fertilization."
Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
%
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
%
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
3: When replying to one of your own memos.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
Never goose a wolverine.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
%
Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
%
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
-- Inventory
%
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
%
Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
tombstones, women and competitors.
-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
Four hours to bury the cat?
Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
%
Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
-- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
%
Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
-- Rhett Buggler
%
Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
-- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
%
Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
-- A Yippie Proverb
%
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
%
Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
%
Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
-- Camus
%
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
War is peace.
-- George Orwell
%
Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
%
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
-- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
%
Fremen add life to spice!
%
Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
%
Friction is a drag.
%
Fried's 1st Rule:
Increased automation of clerical function
invariably results in increased operational costs.
%
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-- Thomas Jones
%
Friends, n:
People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
People who know you well, but like you anyway.
%
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
over the other.
-- Honore DeBalzac
%
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
%
From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
-- Ad for the new VW Corrado
%
From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
That is the point that must be reached.
-- F. Kafka
%
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
%
From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
-- Bertolt Brecht
%
From the crystal swirling waters,
Of the Rio Amazon,
To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
From ev'ry hallowed venue,
Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
Your butt is on the menu
And the check is in the mail.
-- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
%
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx
%
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
"Yes. They have more money."
%
Fun experiments:
Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
%
Fun Facts, #14:
In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
%
Fun Facts, #63:
The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
1510.
%
Function reject.
%
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
%
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
-- H. H. Williams
%
Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
%
Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
-- Joseph Stalin
%
Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
%
Garbage In - Gospel Out.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
in it today, either.
%
GENEALOGY:
An account of one's descent from an ancestor
who did not particularly care to trace his own.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
General notions are generally wrong.
-- Lady M.W. Montagu
%
Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
%
Generic Fortune.
%
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
%
GENIUS:
Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
all the right things to all the right people.
%
Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
-- Owen Meredith
%
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
-- Thomas Alva Edison
%
Genius is pain.
-- John Lennon
%
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
%
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
%
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
-- Elbert Hubbard
%
genlock, n:
Why he stays in the bottle.
%
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
-- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
London, 1812
%
Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
old girl friend.
%
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
"Bring a friend, if you have one."
Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
"Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
%
George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
"Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
"Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
gonna get on Labor Day."
%
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
"And he didn't understand me."
%
Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
-- Dylan Thomas
%
Getting into trouble is easy.
-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
%
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
-- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
of the American Bar Association
%
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Corollary:
Following the rules will not get the job done.
%
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
%
Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
Snatch them from their little housies (...)
First we chase them 'round the field (...)
Then we have them for a meal (...)
Toss them here and catch them there (...)
See them flying through the air (...)
Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
Falling mice have great appeal (...)
See the hunter stretched before us (...)
He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
Of the blood of little critters (...)
%
Gilbert's Discovery:
Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
%
Gil-galad was an Elven-King
of him the harpers sadly sing;
the last whose realm was fair and free
between the Mountains and the Sea.
His sword was long, his lance was keen,
his shining helm afar was seen;
the countless stars of heaven's field
were mirrored in his silver shield.
But long ago he rode away,
and where he dwelleth none can say;
for into darkness fell his star
in Mordor where the shadows are.
%
Ginger Snap
%
Ginsburg's Law:
At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
%
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
-- Calvin Keegan
%
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
that everything he encounters needs pounding.
%
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
%
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
%
Give him an evasive answer.
%
Give me a fish and I will eat today.
Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
%
Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
%
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
-- St. Augustine
%
Give me libertines or give me meth.
%
Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
-- George Canning
%
Give me your students, your secretaries,
Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
I lift my disk beside the processor.
-- Inscription on a Word Processor
%
GIVE UP!!!!
%
Give your very best today.
Heaven knows it's little enough.
%
Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
-- William Faulkner
%
Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
-- John Gilmore
%
Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
%
Given sufficient time, what you put
off doing today will get done by itself.
%
Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
GLEEMITES:
Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Gloffing is a state of mine.
%
Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
fifth of dry red wine
fifth of Aquavit
1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
10 cardamom seeds
1 cup raisins
4 dried figs
1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
a few pieces of dried orange peel
5 cloves
1/2 lb. sugar cubes
Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
extraction.
%
Go ahead... make my day.
-- Dirty Harry
%
Go ahead, make my day.
-- Harry Callahan
%
Go away, I'm all right.
-- H.G. Wells' last words.
%
Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
logout
%
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
%
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go
into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this
morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to
start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy.
-- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home
%
Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
%
Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
but quickly to their misfortunes.
-- Chilo
%
Go to a movie tonight.
Darkness becomes you.
%
Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
all your troubles.
-- Andrew Jackson
The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
-- Calvin Coolidge
Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
secure which is not supported by moral habits.
-- Daniel Webster
%
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
%
Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
-- Wally Shawn
%
GOD:
Darwin's chief rival.
%
God created a few perfect heads.
The rest he covered with hair.
%
God created woman.
And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
but many other things ceased as well.
Woman was God's second mistake.
-- Nietzsche
%
God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
%
God gave man two ears and one tongue so
that we listen twice as much as we speak.
-- Arab proverb
%
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
%
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
%
God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
-- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
%
God help those who do not help themselves.
-- Wilson Mizner
%
God helps them that helps themselves.
-- B. Franklin
%
God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
%
God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
but by pains and contradictions.
-- De Caussade
%
God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
-- Ralph Moonen
%
God is love, but get it in writing.
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
much less ambitious project.
%
God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
%
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
-- Paul Valery
%
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
-- Kronecker
%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%
God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
%
God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
(chorus) (chorus)
We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
(chorus) (chorus)
And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
Won't ruin your whole day.
You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
(chorus)
-- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
-- William Bragg
%
God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
%
God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
%
God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
to receive it.
-- Austin O'Malley
%
God votes Republican.
%
God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
-- Samuel Butler
%
Goda's Truism:
By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
somebody moves the ends.
%
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
%
Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
eating before he bursts.
%
Gold's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
%
Gomme's Laws:
(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
(2) Time accelerates.
(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
%
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
-- by Margaret Mitchell
A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
-- by O. Henry
A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
-- by Ernest Hemingway
An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
-- by Anne Frank
A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
%
Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
%
Good day for business affairs.
Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
%
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
%
Good day to deal with people in high places;
particularly lonely stewardesses.
%
Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
%
Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
%
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
%
Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
%
"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
%
Good judgment comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgment.
-- Jim Horning
%
Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
%
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
%
Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
%
Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
%
Good night to spend with family,
but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
%
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
-- R.E. Schenk
%
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
-- Gail Godwin
%
Goodbye, cool world.
%
Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
-- George Lincoln Rockwell
%
Gordon's Law:
If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
%
gossip, n:
Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
-- Earl Wilson
%
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
1-800-AUDITME
%
Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
%
Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
I went out for a ride and never came back.
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
Lay down your money and you play your part,
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
I met her in a Kingstown bar,
We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
Everybody needs a place to rest,
Everybody wants to have a home.
Don't make no difference what nobody says,
Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
-- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
%
Gourmet, n:
Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
leaving the best part.
%
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
-- Lao Tsu
%
Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
know much.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Government's Law:
There is an exception to all laws.
%
Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
board.
-- Princess Leia Organa
%
Graduate students and most professors are
no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
%
Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
he exclaimed:
"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
%
Graphics blind the eyes.
Audio files deafen the ear.
Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
Heuristics weaken the mind.
Options wither the heart.
The Guru observes the net
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is as open as the ether.
%
GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
%
Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
-- Joseph Alsop
%
GRAVITY:
What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
%
Gravity brings me down.
%
Great acts are made up of small deeds.
-- Lao Tsu
%
Great American Axiom:
Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
place of residence.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
%
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
-- Albert Einstein
They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-- Carl Sagan
%
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
%
Green's Law of Debate:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
-- Mark Twain
%
Griffin's Thought:
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
%
Grig (the navigator):
... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
armada.
Alex (the gunner):
What?!?
Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
overwhelming odds.
Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
Grig: That's the spirit!
-- The Last Starfighter
%
Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
%
Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
-- Johnny Carson
%
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
maybe, but not in the House."
%
Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
-- Maurice Chevalier
%
Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
universe while straddling a giant worm.
-- Arnold Klein
%
GUILLOTINE:
A French chopping center.
%
Gumperson's Law:
The probability of a given event
occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
%
Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
%
Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
(1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
(2) The strength of the turbulence
is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
%
GURU:
A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
%
guru, n:
A computer owner who can read the manual.
%
gy-ro-scope:
A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
of the axis of spin.
-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
%
hacker, n:
Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
Hacker's Fight Song
He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
He's a guy with the happy knack!
Never bungles, never shirks,
Always gets his stuff to work!
All take a drink (important!)
%
Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
%
Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
the ceiling(3m).
"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
%
Hackers of the world, unite!
%
Hacker's Quicky #313:
Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
Microwave Egg Roll
Chocolate Milk
%
"Had he and I but met
By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
And killed him in his place.
I shot him dead because --
Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
No other reason why.
Yes; quaint and curious war is!
You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is
Or help to half-a-crown."
-- Thomas Hardy
%
Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
-- Alfonso the Wise
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to operating system initialization.]
%
Hail to the sun god
He's such a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
%
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
%
Hale Mail Rule, The:
When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
one of the following:
(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
(b) Stationery.
(c) Postage stamp.
(d) The letter you are answering.
%
Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
%
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
%
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
%
Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
%
Handel's Proverb:
You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
%
handshaking protocol, n:
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
%
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
-- Pink Floyd
%
hangover, n:
The wrath of grapes.
%
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
%
happiness, adv:
An agreeable sensation arising
from contemplating the misery of another.
%
happiness, adv:
Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
%
Happiness is a hard disk.
%
Happiness is a positive cash flow.
%
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman
%
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
%
Happiness is the greatest good.
%
Happiness is twin floppies.
%
Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
%
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
%
Happy feast of the pig!
%
Happy is the child whose father died rich.
%
hard, adj:
The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
of other people.
%
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
-- Daniel Dennett
%
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-- Charlie McCarthy
%
Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin
and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast
sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.
Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
%
hardware, n:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
Harp not on that string.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Harriet's Dining Observation:
In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
%
Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
and I were waiting with our plates ready.
"Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
the gravy with."
The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
again, Harris and the pie were gone!
It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
"Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
"They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
theory.
"I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
hadn't been carving that pie."
-- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
%
Harrison's Postulate:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%
Harris's Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
%
Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
you know."
%
Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
with all that pep and vitality.
%
HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
My corollary:
The completely psychotic have all the fun.
%
HARVARD:
Quarterback:
Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
Wide Receiver:
The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
those times.
YALE:
Defense:
On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
coin toss.
-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
%
Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
%
Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
serves to blunt the warning signs.
Long live the revolution!
Have a nice day.
%
Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Haste makes waste.
-- John Heywood
%
Hatcheck girl:
"Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
Mae West:
"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
-- "Night After Night", 1932
%
Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
%
Hate the sin and love the sinner.
-- Mahatma Gandhi
%
Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
-- Mike Royko
%
Have a coke and a smile!
-- John DeLorean
%
Have a nice day!
%
Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
%
Have a place for everything and keep the thing
somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
-- Mark Twain
%
Have a taco.
-- P.S. Beagle
%
Have at you!
%
Have no friends not equal to yourself.
-- Confucius
%
Have the courage to take your own thoughts
seriously, for they will shape you.
-- Albert Einstein
%
Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
halfway between an oven and a pasture?
walking in a trance toward a pregnant
seventeen-year-old housewife's
two-day-old cookbook?
-- Richard Brautigan
%
Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
remain so.
-- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
%
Have you flogged your kid today?
%
Have you locked your file cabinet?
%
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
photograph an American with his mouth shut!
%
Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
How can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand
Lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
%
Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
...
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
Or umberellas, in their mitts,
Puttin' on the Ritz.
...
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
%
Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
%
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
%
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
-- Martin Mull
%
Having no talent is no longer enough.
-- Gore Vidal
%
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
-- Socrates
%
Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
dog, too!"
%
"Hawk, we're going to die."
"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
-- M*A*S*H
%
Hawkeye's Conclusion:
It's not easy to play the clown
when you've got to run the whole circus.
%
He: Do you like Kipling?
She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
%
He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
She: "What do you want me to yell?"
-- Benny Hill
%
He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-- S. Wright
%
He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
%
He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
%
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
finer than the staple of his argument.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
%
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
all hope of ever behaving "normally."
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
-- Stig's Inferno
%
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
-- Bion
%
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
-- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
%
He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
-- John LeCarre
%
He is considered a most graceful speaker
who can say nothing in the most words.
%
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
%
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
-- Mark Twain
%
He is the best of men who dislikes power.
-- Mohammed
%
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
%
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
%
He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
%
He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
-- Sir Richard Burton
%
He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
%
He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
-- Ring Lardner
%
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
-- Andrew Lang
%
He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
had fallen to the ground.
-- The Book of Serenity
%
(He opens a tolm and begins.)
It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
I must translate it otherwise.
If I am well inspired and not blind.
It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
Ponder that first line, wait and see,
Lest you should write too hastily.
Is the Mind the all-creating source?
It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
That my translation must be changed again.
The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
-- Goethe's Faust
%
[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
-- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
-- Peter Stack, movie review
His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
-- John Stark, movie review
%
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%
He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
-- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
%
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
-- Scottish proverb.
%
He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
-- B. Franklin
%
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%
He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
%
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
%
He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
%
He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
-- Eric Van Lustbader
%
[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
a complete set.
-- Ring Lardner
%
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
%
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
-- Jack Handey
%
He was part of my dream, of course --
but then I was part of his dream too.
-- Lewis Carroll
%
He was the sort of person whose personality
would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
%
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
%
He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
the human condition is a fool.
-- Albert Camus
%
He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
-- Balzac
%
He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
-- Sinbad
%
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
%
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
%
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
%
He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
%
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
%
He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
-- Giacomo Leopardi
%
He who hates vices hates mankind.
%
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
-- Mae West
%
He who hesitates is last.
%
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
%
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
%
He who invents adages for others to peruse
takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
%
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
%
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
%
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
%
He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
encounter many rivals.
-- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
%
He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
senses until the day of judgement.
-- Saadi
%
He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
%
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
-- Lao Tsu
%
He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
%
He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
he knows something. Or something like that.
%
He who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is enlightened.
-- Lao Tsu
%
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
-- Lao Tsu
%
He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
-- Bertolt Brecht
%
He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
%
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
%
He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
%
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
%
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
%
He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
%
He who laughs, lasts.
%
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
%
He who loses, wins the race,
And parallel lines meet in space.
-- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
%
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
-- Dr. Johnson
%
He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
%
He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
-- Sir Richard Burton
%
He who slings mud generally loses ground.
-- Adlai Stevenson
%
He who slings mud loses ground.
-- Chinese Proverb
%
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
%
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
%
He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
-- Sinbad
%
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
-- M.C. Escher
%
He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
education and culture.
-- Julia Norton McCorkle
%
HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
Details at 11.
%
Hear about...
the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
started chiseling on his wife?
%
Hear about...
the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
%
Hear about...
the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
up a chopped libber?
%
Hear about...
the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
he wanted to transcend dental medication?
%
Hear about...
the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
Space"?
%
Hear about...
the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
typewriter's ribbon?
%
Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
%
Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
-- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
%
Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
%
Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
-- The Wizard of Oz
%
Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
-- Dr. John Lightfoot,
Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
%
Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
%
Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
%
Heisenberg may have been here.
%
Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
-- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
%
Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
how are they supposed to know you care?
%
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
%
hell, n:
Truth seen too late.
%
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
%
Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
%
Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
don't hear your girl screaming any more?
Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
%
"Hello," he lied.
-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
%
Hell's broken loose.
-- Robert Greene
%
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
%
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
%
HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
%
HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
-- E. E. CUMMINGS
%
HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
%
Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
%
Hempstone's Question:
If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
%
Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
them, without any power of engaging their respect.
-- J. Austen
%
Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
One fortunate cookie...
%
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
%
Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
I've been caught inside this trap too many times
I must've walked these steps and said these words a
thousand times before
It seems like I know everybody's lines.
-- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
%
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
I grow up.
-- Peter Drucker
%
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
if you're alive, it isn't.
%
HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
NO LES
NO MOORE
-- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
%
Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
Now she's at rest, and so am I.
-- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
%
Here there by tygers.
%
HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
around as if you're going to fall.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
* Governmental offices
* Post offices
* Libraries
* Schools
* Banks
* Parts of Palm Beach
and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%
Herth's Law:
He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
%
He's been like a father to me,
He's the only DJ you can get after three,
I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
And why he don't like me I don't understand.
-- The Byrds
%
He's dead, Jim.
%
He's got the heart of a little child,
and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
%
He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
%
He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
%
He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
-- Phil Lapsley
%
Hewett's Observation:
The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
peers similarly engaged.
%
Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
To get a little more stack;
If that's not enough then you lose it all
And have to pop all the way back.
%
Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
%
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
these words were spoken.
%
"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
"Whattaya need?"
"Oh, about $500."
"Whattaya got for collateral?"
"Whattaya need?"
"How about an eye?"
-- Sam Giancana
%
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
-- Gallagher
%
Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
%
Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
leave your name and message after the beep...
%
Hi! How are things going?
(just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
(you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
(one more than the first one?)
Yes.
(you already asked that...)
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
May I ask two questions, sir?
(no.)
May I ask ONE then?
(nope...)
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
(yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
next one)
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
(go right ahead...)
%
Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
You wanna help on the audit now?
%
Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
%
Hickery Dickery Dock,
The mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
The others escaped with minor injuries.
%
Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
WE CAN HELP!
Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
%
Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
little of both.
-- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
%
High heels are a device invented by a woman
who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
%
High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
All: Amen.
-- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
%
HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
A California innovation composed
of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
%
Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
%
Hildebrant's Principle:
If you don't know where you are going,
any road will get you there.
%
Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
Him: "Really? That's incredible...
It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
-- "The Jerk"
%
Hindsight is always 20:20.
-- Billy Wilder
%
His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
%
...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
-- Tommy
%
"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
%
His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
%
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
%
His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
-- P.G. Wodehouse
%
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
%
Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
continues to this day.
-- Wayne Shannon
%
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
%
History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
of the Mexican revolution:
"Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
army where he was then executed."
%
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
i.e. none to speak of.
-- Lazarus Long
%
History is curious stuff
You'd think by now we had enough
Yet the fact remains I fear
They make more of it every year.
%
History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
-- Leo Tolstoy
%
History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
%
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
%
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
%
History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
time as bedroom farce.
%
History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
%
History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
-- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
%
Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
Pour my black old coffee longer,
While that smell is gettin' stronger
A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
The Lord'll bless your sharin'
A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
And let me halfway fall in love,
For part of a lonely night,
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
-- Elroy Blunt
%
Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
The stapler runs out of staples
only while you are trying to staple something.
%
H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
[No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
%
Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
exist in a more fundamental sense.
%
Hodie natus est radici frater.
%
Hoffer's Discovery:
The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
%
HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
Take a shot every time:
-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
-- Lebeau wears his apron.
-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
plan is impossible.
-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
%
Hollerith, v:
What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
%
Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
Tune in again tomorrow:
same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
%
HOLY MACRO!
%
Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
they have to take you in.
-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
%
Home is where the hurt is.
%
Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
cage is to a cockatoo.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
%
"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
-- Samuel Butler
%
Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
-- Plato
%
Honesty's the best policy.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
honeymoon, n:
A short period of doting between dating and debting.
-- Ray C. Bandy
%
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
%
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
-- Francis Bacon
%
Hope is a waking dream.
-- Aristotle
%
Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
-- M. Horner
%
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
%
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
-- Peanuts
%
Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
-- Moore
%
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%
Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
-- Jack Benny
%
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
%
HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
%
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
had towels from my house.
-- Mark Guido
%
Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
%
Household hint:
If you are out of cream for your coffee,
mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
%
Housework can kill you if done right.
-- Erma Bombeck
%
Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
-- Neil Armstrong
%
How apt the poor are to be proud.
-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
%
How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
-- Schulz
%
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
-- Charles de Gaulle
%
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
-- Pink Floyd
%
How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
in the waking state?
-- Plato
%
How can you think and hit at the same time?
-- Yogi Berra
%
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
%
How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
%
How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
claim they'll make you?
%
How come we never talk anymore?
%
How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
-- A. Cooper
%
How could they think women a recreation?
Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
To ambergris. But not for recreation.
I would not have lost so much for recreation.
Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
and call and call forever till she turn from bird
to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
in all her fresh particularity of difference.
Then oh, through the underwater time of night
indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
This I have done with my life, and am content.
I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
-- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
%
"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
examined his claws.
"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
hers and not my own, not ever again."
-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
journalists, and they believe what they read.
-- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
%
How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
%
How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
%
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
%
How many weeks are there in a light year?
%
How much does she love you?
Less than you'll ever know.
%
How much for your women? I want to buy your
daughter... how much for the little girl?
-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
%
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
%
How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
%
How often I found where I should be going
only by setting out for somewhere else.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
%
How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
-- Linus Van Pelt
%
How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
-- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
%
How untasteful can you get?
%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%
How you look depends on where you go.
%
However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
in the name of "conservatism."
-- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
%
Hubbard's Law:
Don't take life too seriously;
you won't get out of it alive.
%
Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
Oh wait...
I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
Never mind.
%
Huh?
%
Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
%
Human resources are human first, and resources second.
-- J. Garbers
%
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
immature.
-- Tom Robbins
%
Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
-- Alan Kay
%
Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
Humorists always sit at the children's table.
-- Woody Allen
%
"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
"With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
oil!"
-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
%
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
All the king's horses,
And all the king's men,
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
%
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
%
I:
The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
II:
If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
III:
There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
IV:
If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
V:
One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
output.
-- Norman Augustine
%
I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
terrifies people the most.
-- Bob Dylan
%
I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
-- John Hinckley
%
I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
-- Muhammad Ali
%
I allow the world to live as it chooses,
and I allow myself to live as I choose.
%
I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
-- Richard M. Nixon
What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
-- Richard M. Nixon
%
I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
%
I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
-- David Bowie
%
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never any good to oneself.
-- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
%
I always say beauty is only sin deep.
-- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
%
I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
-- Chief Justice Earl Warren
%
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
-- Joe E. Lewis
%
I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
And a cow. And a cow.
The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
Two game wardens, seven hunters,
And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
-- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
%
I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
person, you will not sell me another book.
%
I am a computer.
I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
%
I am a conscientious man, when I throw
rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
%
I am a deeply superficial person.
-- Andy Warhol
%
I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
than be one.
-- Clarence Darrow
%
I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
-- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
%
I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
-- Winston Churchill
%
I am changing my name to Chrysler
I am going down to Washington, D.C.
I will tell some power broker
What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
I am changing my name to Chrysler,
I am heading for that great receiving line.
When they hand a million grand out,
I'll be standing with my hand out,
Yessir, I'll get mine!
%
I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
is to suffer for others.
-- Cesar Chavez
%
I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
-- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
%
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
-- Katharine Whitehorn
%
I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
-- Steven Wright
%
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you
that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
can't help it. I was born sneering.
-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
%
I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
-- Yul Brynner, 1956
%
I am looking for a honest man.
-- Diogenes the Cynic
%
I am NOMAD!
%
I am not a crook.
-- Richard Nixon
%
I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
-- A. Ward
%
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
-- William Allen White
%
I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
%
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
%
I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
-- John Donne
%
I am two with nature.
-- Woody Allen
%
I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
them completely, even molding the keypads.
-- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
%
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
%
I B M
U B M
We all B M
For I B M!!!!
-- H.A.R.L.I.E.
%
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-- Gilda Radner
%
I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
with time.
-- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
%
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
-- Ogden Nash
%
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
the people who might elect him.
-- John F. Kennedy
%
I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
-- Woody Allen
%
I believe that professional wrestling is clean
and everything else in the world is fixed.
-- Frank Deford, sports writer
%
I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
total discrediting of the world of reality.
-- Salvador Dali
%
I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
-- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
a visit to a London veterans hospital
%
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
-- Townsend Davis
%
I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
They're still living in the fifties.
-- Strange de Jim
%
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
%
I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
-- Firesign Theatre
%
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
%
I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
%
I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
-- Jay Gould
%
I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
-- Larry Lee
%
I can relate to that.
%
I can see him a'comin'
With his big boots on,
With his big thumb out,
He wants to get me.
He wants to hurt me.
He wants to bring me down.
But some time later,
When I feel a little straighter,
I'll come across a stranger
Who'll remind me of the danger,
And then.... I'll run him over.
Pretty smart on my part!
To find my way... In the dark!
-- Phil Ochs
%
I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
-- A.J. Liebling
%
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
-- Lillian Hellman
%
I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
%
I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
If it be man's work I will do it.
%
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
-- Steven Pearl
%
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
-- Phil Harris
%
I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
Your Socks Outside-in
I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
%
I can't mate in captivity.
-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
%
I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
-- Robert Benchley
%
I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
-- Albert Anastasia
%
I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
-- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
Party Conference
%
I can't understand it.
I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
%
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
-- Fred Allen
%
I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
I'm frightened of the old ones.
-- John Cage
%
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
up a child.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
-- Michael Prichard
%
I consider a new device or technology to have been
culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
-- M. Gallaher
%
I consider the day misspent that I am not
either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
-- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
%
I could never learn to like her --
except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
-- Mark Twain
%
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
%
I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
-- Peter Oakley
%
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
%
I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
I should have to believe in it in this one.
-- Strange de Jim
%
I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
-- Bart Simpson
%
I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
-- Rita Gain
%
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
%
"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
I disagree with what you say, but will defend
to the death your right to tell such LIES!
%
I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
I do desire we may be better strangers.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%
I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
%
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
-- Thomas Paine
%
I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
Cardinals backed down and played.
%
I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
comes nearest to it of any.
-- Henry David Thoreau
%
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
-- Chuang-tzu
%
I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
devote it to research in mathematics.
-- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
%
I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
tiresome.
-- I Ching
%
I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
-- Salvador Dali
%
I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
-- Heard in Bethlehem
%
I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
-- Calvin Trillin
%
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
deserve that either.
-- Jack Benny
%
I don't do it for the money.
-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
%
I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
-- K. Coates
%
I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
-- Katherine Cebrian
%
I don't get no respect.
%
I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
%
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
-- Bruce Baum
%
I don't know what Descartes' got,
But booze can do what Kant cannot.
-- Mike Cross
%
I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%
I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
-- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974
%
I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
%
I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
I don't trust him.
-- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
with Dutch Schultz.
I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
-- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
"Legs" Diamond.
%
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
-- Cash McCall
%
I don't mind arguing with myself.
It's when I lose that it bothers me.
-- Richard Powers
%
I don't need no arms around me...
I don't need no drugs to calm me...
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need anything at all.
No! Don't think I need anything at all!
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
-- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
%
I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
%
I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
he starts to practice law.
-- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
Attorney-General.
%
I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
-- Richard Nixon, 1972
%
"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
to the sea and drown yourselves."
"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
you human beings don't."
-- James Thurber
%
I don't understand you anymore.
%
I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
But there will definitely be a party tonight...
%
I don't want a pickle,
I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
And I don't want to die,
I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
-- Arlo Guthrie
%
I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
-- Jean Anouilh
%
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen
%
I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
%
I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
-- Woody Allen
%
I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
%
I dote on his very absence.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
%
I enjoy the time that we spend together.
%
I exist, therefore I am paid.
%
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
%
I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
%
I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
honest difference of opinion.
- Isaac Asimov
%
I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
-- Steven Wright
%
I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
just shot.
%
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
-- Augustus Caesar
%
I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
How can there be a building, that has no floor?
How can there be a program, that has no end?
How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
%
I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
-- Chauncey Depew
%
I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
-- Beauregard Bugleboy
%
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
I go the way that Providence dictates.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
called me again."
-- Stephen Wright
%
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
-- Steven Wright
%
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
wearing masks for.
-- James Boren
%
I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
-- Steven Wright
%
I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
-- Steven Wright
%
I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
-- Butch Cassidy
%
I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
puppet.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
win -- or even how you won.
-- Cash McCall
%
I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
-- Hal Clement
%
I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
-- D. Cavett
%
I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I had a dream last night...
I dreamt about 1976.
I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
so I went back to sleep again.
-- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
dinner and I let it go.
-- Winston Churchill
%
I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
Beach."
-- The Stunt Man
%
I had another dream the other day about government financial management
people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
%
I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
painting by Goya.
-- Stravinsky
%
I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
power to make things different is a bitch.
-- Miles Davis
%
I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
so I took his shoes.
-- Dave Barry
%
I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
implement a PL/1 compiler.
-- T. Cheatham
%
I hate babies. They're so human.
-- H.H. Munro
%
I hate dying.
-- Dave Johnson
%
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
and I know how bad I am.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
there's nothing else to do.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
-- Willow
%
I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- S. Wright
%
I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
and just keeps on typing.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
I just... to make a long story short..."
-- Stephen Wright
%
I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
%
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
some of it.
-- Steven Wright
%
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
-- R.L. Stevenson
%
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
I spent last summer folding it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
-- Steven Wright
%
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-- Richard Diran
%
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Steven Wright
%
I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
%
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
but I can't prove it.
%
I have a very small mind and must live with it.
-- E. Dijkstra
%
I have a very strange feeling about this...
-- Luke Skywalker
%
"I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
sacrifice my wife's brother.
-- Artemus Ward
%
I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
-- Winston Churchill, 1903
%
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
-- Steven Wright
%
I have become me without my consent.
%
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
cent an idiot.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
to sit still in a room.
-- Blaise Pascal
%
I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
support of the woman I love.
-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
of the British throne in order to marry the American
divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
%
I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
most of them are trash.
-- Sigmund Freud
%
I have gained this by philosophy:
that I do without being commanded what others
do only from fear of the law.
-- Aristotle
%
I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
wife's brother.
-- Artemus Ward
%
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
-- Edgar Allan Poe
%
I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
of a prostate operation.
-- Malcolm Muggeridge
%
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
-- Plato
%
I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
I do believe that is a record.
-- Dylan Thomas, his last words
%
I have learned silence from the talkative,
toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
-- Kahlil Gibran
%
I have lots of things in my pockets;
None of them is worth anything.
Sociopolitical whines aside,
Gan you give me, gratis, free,
The price of half a gallon
Of Gallo extra bad
And most of the bus fare home.
%
I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
%
I have never been one to sacrifice
my appetite on the altar of appearance.
-- A.M. Readyhough
%
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
%
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
-- Rob Pike, on X.
Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
gone in two years. He was half right.
-- Dennis Ritchie
Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
-- Jim Gettys
%
I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
establishment.
-- Alan Bennett
%
I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
-- Thoreau
%
I have no doubt the Devil grins,
As seas of ink I spatter.
Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
The other kind don't matter.
-- Robert W. Service
%
I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
I have not yet begun to byte!
%
I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
-- George Wallace
%
I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
be blockhead enough to have me.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%
I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
-- Jimmy Carter
%
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
be economized by the aid of machinery.
-- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
%
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
%
I have that old biological urge,
I have that old irresistible surge,
I'm hungry.
%
I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
-- Richard Burton
%
I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
science of data processing), c. 1957
%
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
-- John D. Rockefeller
%
I hear the sound that the machines make,
and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
%
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
%
I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
more than he knows.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
-- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
%
I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
%
I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
-- Raoul Duke
%
I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
I think I saw God.
-- B. Hathrume Duk
%
I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
-- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
%
I just got out of the hospital after a
speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
-- S. Wright
%
I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
-- Casey Stengel
%
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Did you ever see a doctor?"
"No, just spots."
%
I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
I haven't had time for tobacco since.
-- Arturo Toscanini
%
I knew her before she was a virgin.
-- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
%
I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
If I could just remember what it was.
%
I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
take one along that worked.
-- Raymond Chandler
%
I know if you been talkin' you done said
just how suprised you wuz by the living dead.
You wuz suprised that they could understand you words
and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
But don't you get square!
There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
%
I know not how I came into this,
shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
-- St. Augustine
%
I know on which side my bread is buttered.
-- John Heywood
%
I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
custody means. Get even with your old lady.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
-- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
%
I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
it means.
%
I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
%
I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
%
I lately lost a preposition;
It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
Up from out of under there."
Correctness is my vade mecum,
And straggling phrases I abhor,
And yet I wondered, "What should he come
Up from out of under for?"
-- Morris Bishop
%
I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
Waitin' for the double E.
The railroad don't run no more.
Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
These young girls won't let me be,
Lord have mercy on me!
Woe is me!
Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
Well, I ain't naming names.
But she really worked me over good,
She was just like Jesse James.
She really worked me over good,
She was a credit to her gender.
She put me through some changes, boy,
Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
She asked me if I'd beat her.
She took me back to the Hyatt House,
I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
-- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
%
I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
didn't is just lyin'!
-- Willie Nelson
%
I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
that kidnapped Europa.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
%
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
%
I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
-- Tom McGuane
%
I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
%
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
-- August Strindberg
%
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
-- Art Buchwald
%
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-- Rita Rudner
%
I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
someone takes them away.
-- Nancy Mitford
%
I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
%
I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
-- Schulz
%
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
-- Walt Disney
%
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
-- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
%
I love treason but hate a traitor.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
%
I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
-- Elvis Costello
%
I love you, not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you.
-- Roy Croft
%
I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
irresistible.
-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
%
I married beneath me. All women do.
-- Lady Nancy Astor
%
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
%
I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
-- Doctor Graper
%
I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
%
I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
-- Steven Wright
%
I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
congressman.
-- Will Rogers
%
I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
%
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
-- Alexander Woolcott
%
I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
feet for the base.
And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
crowding.
-- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
%
I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
-- Fratianno
%
I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
way.
-- Jay Gould
%
I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
%
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
Royal Family
%
I never did it that way before.
%
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
places they do today.
-- Will Rogers
%
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
%
I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
-- Mickey Cohen
%
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
-- Mae West
%
I never made a mistake in my life.
I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
-- Lucy Van Pelt
%
I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
-- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
%
I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
%
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
%
I never saw a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But I can tell you anyhow
I'd rather see than be one.
-- Gellett Burgess
I've never seen a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But from the milk we're getting now
There certainly must be one
-- Odgen Nash
Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
I'm sorry now I wrote it
But I can tell you anyhow
I'll kill you if you quote it.
-- Gellett Burgess, many years later
%
I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
%
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
-- W.C. Fields
%
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
I only know what I read in the papers.
-- Will Rogers
%
I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
-- Letters From Colette
%
I owe, I owe,
It's off to work I go...
%
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
toilet seat.
-- Michael McShane
%
I owe the public nothing.
-- J.P. Morgan
%
I own my own body, but I share.
%
I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
will be happy.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation,
indivisible,
with liberty
and justice for all.
-- Francis Bellamy, 1892
%
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-- S. Wright
%
I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
-- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
%
I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
-- Cicero
Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
-- Poor Richard
%
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright
%
I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
aspire to crudeness.
-- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
%
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
-- Neil Armstrong
%
I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be
what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never
imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'
%
I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
"What's it about?"
"Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
"Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
-- Ian Shoales
%
I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
%
I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
-- Aneurin Bevan
%
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
-- Marilyn Chambers
%
I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
something of what has been passing in their time.
-- H. Truman
%
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
"Cut it out."
-- Stephen Wright
%
I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
-- Stephen King
%
I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
believing that some men are my equals.
-- Brigid Brophy
%
I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
-- Alistair Cooke
%
I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
and didn't come back for 20 years.
%
I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
kind of loophole.
-- Leo Kessler
%
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
-- Steven Wright
%
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
-- Wilson Mizner
%
I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
woman should marry -- and no man.
-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
%
I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
-- Mark Twain
%
"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
-- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
%
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
%
I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
'Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this,
I accosted the man,
"It is futile," I said.
"You can never--"
"You lie!" He cried,
and ran on.
-- Stephen Crane
%
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
deserve a series?"
%
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
%
I see a bad moon rising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin'
I see bad times today.
Don't go 'round tonight,
It's bound to take your life.
There's a bad moon on the rise.
-- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
%
I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
knocked,
I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
"Is that all?" asked Alice.
"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
%
I sent a message to another time,
But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
I sent a message to another plane,
Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
...
I met someone who looks at lot like you,
She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
She's only programmed to be very nice,
But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
She tells me that she likes me very much,
But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
...
I realize that it must seem so strange,
That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
-- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
%
I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
in his veins.
-- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
%
I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
that matters, but victory.
-- Adolph Hitler
%
I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
-- graffito in Los Angeles
On a clear day,
U.C.L.A.
-- graffito in San Francisco
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
-- Robert Orben
%
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
most western countries.
-- George Burns
%
I smell a wumpus.
%
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
-- Woody Allen
%
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
ability.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I steal.
-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
-- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
%
I stick my neck out for nobody.
-- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
%
I stood on the leading edge,
The eastern seaboard at my feet.
"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
Go on and give it a try,
Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
-- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
%
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple
%
I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookie win.
-- C3P0
%
I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
That needs a helping hand,
Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
-- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:
[110.13]:
"When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
to interfere with oncoming traffic."
[22.17b]:
"Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
on the highway."
[41.16]:
"Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
asking for it."
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:
[131.16d]:
"Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
a U-turn on a divided highway."
[96.7b]:
"When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
traveling more than 60 MPH."
[110.13]:
"When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
to interfere with oncoming traffic."
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:
[173.15b]:
"When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
[141.2a]:
"Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
a 5' parking space."
[105.31]:
"Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
%
I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
%
"I suppose you expect me to talk."
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
-- Goldfinger
%
I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
%
I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
munchies, and ate the other half.
Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
bottle stuck up my nose.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad
kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
-- Escher
%
I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
-- Woody Allen
%
I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
that I am!
-- Monty Python
%
"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
-- The Life of Brian
%
I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
-- Shakespeare
%
I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
%
I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
-- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
%
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
I think that I shall never hear
A poem lovelier than beer.
The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
With golden base and snowy cap.
The stuff that I can drink all day
Until my mem'ry melts away.
Poems are made by fools, I fear
But only Schlitz can make a beer.
%
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
-- Nash
%
I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
-- Chick
%
I think the world is run by C students.
-- Al McGuire
%
I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
effect."
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I think, therefore I am... I think.
%
I think there's a world market for about five computers.
-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
%
I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
paneling.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
-- T.S. Eliot
%
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
-- Firesign Theatre
%
I think we're in trouble.
-- Han Solo
%
I think your opinions are reasonable,
except for the one about my mental instability.
-- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University
%
"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
They had so much in common, you'd say.
They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
And prompts that were cute or risque'.
He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
She sent one from some past high school day,
And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
If they hadn't met in L.A.
"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
If you were not so totally weird!"
If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
And he had not done just the same,
They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
And would not have had fun with the game.
-- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
Electronic Mail"
%
I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
working for scale.
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
%
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
%
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
One of them said, "So will you."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
It's about Russia.
-- Woody Allen
%
I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
the quest.
-- Madeleine Gobeil
%
I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
and drown myself in the noise.
-- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
%
I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
%
I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
-- Bill Veeck
%
I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
-- Judge Harold T. Stone
%
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
degrees today," and I said "Oops."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
I never have to go upstairs.
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
-- Carole Wallach.
%
I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
-- Woodrow Wilson
%
I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
-- Nam June Paik
%
I used to be a rebel in my youth.
This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
I feel these days.
-- J. Feiffer
%
I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
-- Elvis Costello
%
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
-- Mae West
%
I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
No more, Mr. Clean,
No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
And punched me in the nose, he said,
(chorus)
He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
-- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
%
I used to have a drinking problem.
Now I love the stuff.
%
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
to be out that long."
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
more mature than I am.
%
I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
-- Rita Mae Brown
%
I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
%
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
-- Freud
%
I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
%
I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
the earth.
Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
%
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright
%
I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
Trouble I love and peace I despise
Wild horses kicked me in my side
Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
-- Bo Diddley
%
I was eatin' some chop suey,
With a lady in St. Louie,
When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
Roll this rocker out some money,
Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
-- Mr. Miggle
%
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
I said I didn't know.
-- Mark Twain
%
I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
that all the time..."
-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
%
I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in
the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
-- Phyllis Diller
%
I was in accord with the system so long as it
permitted me to function effectively.
-- Albert Speer
%
I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
-- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
%
I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
-- Steven Wright
%
I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
-- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
%
I was the best I ever had.
-- Woody Allen
%
I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
-- Billy Braver
%
I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
%
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
-- Chico Marx
%
I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
in the room alone.
%
I went home with a waitress,
The way I always do.
How I was I to know?
She was with the Russians too.
I was gambling in Havana,
I took a little risk.
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
Dad, get me out of this.
-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
%
I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
It's the truth.
-- Charlie Chaplin
%
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
program to the point where it would not run at all.
-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
%
I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
He said "Nothin'."
Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
As if you just squashed a cop.
-- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
%
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.
-- Fred Reuss
%
I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright
%
I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
There was a computer in every doorknob.
-- Danny Hillis
%
I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
of a robber.
-- Tiburcio Vasquez
%
I will always love the false image I had of you.
%
I will follow the good side right to the fire,
but not into it if I can help it.
-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
%
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
writing on this stone!
-- Charles Dickens
%
I will make you shorter by the head.
-- Elizabeth I
%
I will never lie to you.
%
I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
%
I will not drink!
But if I do...
I will not get drunk!
But if I do...
I will not in public!
But if I do...
I will not fall down!
But if I do...
I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
%
I will not forget you.
%
I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
-- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
%
I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
one every day.
-- Heine
%
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-- Jack Handey
%
I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
and Superman away.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
%
I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
%
I woke up a feelin' mean
went down to play the slot machine
the wheels turned round,
and the letters read
"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
-- Grateful Dead
%
I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
-- Steven Wright
%
"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
-- Bastian B. Bux
%
I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
-- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
%
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
-- Steven Wright
%
I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
after we've been home a long while.
-- Casey Stengel
%
I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
only they won't let me raise my voice.
-- Winkle
%
I would have made a good pope.
-- Richard Nixon
%
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
-- Oliver North
%
I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
forget or do not know.
-- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to image activation and termination.]
%
I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
our tasks will be solved.
-- Warren G. Harding
%
I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
with income tax policies.
-- William F. Buckley
%
I would like to know
What I was fencing in
And what I was fencing out.
-- Robert Frost
%
I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
-- Frank Zappa
%
I would much rather have men ask why
I have no statue, than why I have one.
-- Marcus Procius Cato
%
I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
they're being taped.
-- Richard Nixon
I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
-- David Frye impersonating Nixon
%
I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
and be above ground than reign among the dead.
-- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
%
I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
%
I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
%
I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
%
I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
them scream.
-- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
%
Iam
not
very
happy
acting
pleased
whenever
prominent
scientists
overmagnify
intellectual
enlightenment
%
IBM:
[Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
%
IBM:
I've Been Moved
Idiots Become Managers
Idiots Buy More
Impossible to Buy Machine
Incredibly Big Machine
Industry's Biggest Mistake
International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
It Boggles the Mind
It's Better Manually
Itty-Bitty Machines
%
IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
-- with regrets to D. Adams
%
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
%
IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
%
IBM Pollyanna Principle:
Machines should work. People should think.
%
IBM's original motto:
Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
%
I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
-- John Denver
[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
%
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
-- Groucho Marx
%
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.
-- Princess Leia Organa
%
I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
%
I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
whole field to private industry.
-- Joseph Heller
%
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
-- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
%
I'd never cry if I did find
A blue whale in my soup...
Nor would I mind a porcupine
Inside a chicken coop.
Yes life is fine when things combine,
Like ham in beef chow mein...
But lord, this time I think I mind,
They've put acid in my rain.
--- Milo Bloom
%
I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
-- Groucho Marx
%
I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
-- Brenda Starr
%
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
%
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
-- Fred Allen
[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
%
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
-- W.C. Fields
%
I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
%
I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
Than cry with the saints,
The sinners are much more fun!
-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
%
I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
%
Identify your visitor.
%
IDLENESS:
Leisure gone to seed.
%
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
%
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
%
If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
-- William Blake
%
If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
really a guru at all?
-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
%
IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
-- Thomas Wolfe
%
If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
%
If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
he will lose his reverence for all of life.
-- Albert Schweitzer
%
If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
it might well prolong his life.
-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
%
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
... it expects what never was and never will be.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
will lose that, too.
-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
-- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
%
If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
-- Saint Augustine
%
If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
%
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
look at him as if he had lost his senses.
When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
%
If a system is administered wisely,
its users will be content.
They enjoy hacking their code
and don't waste time implementing
labor-saving shell scripts.
Since they dearly love their accounts,
they aren't interested in other machines.
There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
but these don't access any hosts.
There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
but nobody ever uses them.
People enjoy reading their mail,
take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
spend weekends working at their terminals,
delight in the doings at the site.
And even though the next system is so close
that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
they are content to die of old age
without ever having gone to see it.
%
If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
-- G.K. Chesterton
%
If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
-- W.C. Fields
%
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
%
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
-- Rob Stampfli
%
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
-- Rob Stampfli
%
If all be true that I do think,
There be five reasons why one should drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
%
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
If all else fails, lower your standards.
%
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
%
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
If all the seas were ink,
And all the reeds were pens,
And all the skies were parchment,
And all the men could write,
These would not suffice
To write down all the red tape
Of this Government.
%
If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
-- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
%
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%
If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
car he ever lays down in front of.
-- George Wallace
%
If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
let him become president of Harvard.
-- Edward Holyoke
%
If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
%
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
%
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
%
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
-- W.E. Hickson
%
If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.
%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields
[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
%
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
%
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
-- Leonard Levinson
%
If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
%
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
plentiful as blackberries.
-- Leslie Stephen
%
If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
%
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
%
If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
but illegal purposes.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%
If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
-- William Blake
%
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
Watt's office.
-- Wayne Shannon
%
If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
%
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
serve us right.
-- Alistair Cooke
%
If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
deserve to have any.
-- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
conviction for sodomy.
%
If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
is a fraud.
-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
%
If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
no middleman.
-- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
%
If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
-- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
%
If everything on the road of life seems to
be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
%
If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.
%
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
-- Bertrand Russell
%
If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
%
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
-- Bill Boquist
%
If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
-- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
%
If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
%
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
%
If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
would have only had ten disciples.
%
If God had really intended men to fly,
he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
-- George Winters
%
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
have made them cute and furry.
-- Dave Barry
%
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
only ten apostles.
%
If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
%
If God is One, what is bad?
-- Charles Manson
%
If God wanted us to have a President,
He would have sent us a candidate.
-- Jerry Dreshfield
%
If graphics hackers are so smart,
why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
%
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
%
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
-- Chinese proverb
%
If he had only learnt a little less, how
infinitely better he might have taught much more!
%
If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
%
If he should ever change his faith,
it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
%
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell,
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstore sells,
When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me,
Heroes often fail,
You won't read that book again, because
the ending is just too hard to take.
I walk away, like a movie star,
Who gets burned in a three way script,
Enter number two,
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me,
But for now, love, let's be real
I never thought I could act this way,
And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
And I just can't get it back...
-- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
%
If I could stick my pen in my heart,
I would spill it all over the stage.
Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
Would you think the boy was strange?
Ain't he strange?
...
If I could stick a knife in my heart,
Suicide right on the stage,
Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
Would it help to ease the pain?
Ease your brain?
-- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
%
If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%
If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
%
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
got to be a better way.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
a laboratory jar at Harvard.
-- Frank Sinatra
AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
-- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
%
If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next
time. I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than
I have been this trip. I know of very few things I would take
seriously. I would be crazier. I would climb more mountains, swim
more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd travel and see. I would
have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. You see, I am
one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly and
sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments
and, if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact,
I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another,
instead of living so many years ahead each day. I have been one
of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot
water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had it
to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel lighter
than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would
play hooky more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but
I'd learn more. I would ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick
more daisies.
%
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-- Albert Einstein
%
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.
-- Isaac Newton
In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
-- Gerald Holton
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
my shoulders.
-- Hal Abelson
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
-- Gauss
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
stand on each other's toes.
-- Richard Hamming
It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
software engineers dig each other's graves.
-- Unknown
%
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
-- Bob Hope
%
If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
-- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
%
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
-- Goethe
%
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
-- Johann van Goethe
%
If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
just couldn't help myself.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
-- Alan Parsons Project
%
If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
I'm an engineer working on something.
-- S.R. McElroy
%
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
%
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
%
If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
-- Douglas Jerrold
%
If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
because I can't swim.
-- Bob Stanfield
%
If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
-- G. Hirst
%
If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
-- Jerry Muscha
%
If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
%
If in doubt, mumble.
%
If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
%
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
%
If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
%
If it happens once, it's a bug.
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
%
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
%
If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
%
If it heals good, say it.
%
If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
-- Samuel Clemens
%
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
%
If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
it's physics.
%
If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
-- Ronald Reagan
%
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
%
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
%
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
%
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
%
If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
-- James Dickey
%
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
%
If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
%
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
%
If it's worth doing, do it for money.
%
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
%
If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
%
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
-- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
%
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
-- Karl Marx's Mother
%
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
%
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
%
If life is merely a joke, the question
still remains: for whose amusement?
%
If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
%
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
-- Lily Tomlin
%
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
%
If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
-- Phil Lapsley
%
If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
%
If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
-- Mary Wilson Little
%
If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
-- Frances Rodman
%
If men are not afraid to die,
it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
If men live in constant fear of dying,
And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
Who will dare to break the law?
There is always an official executioner.
If you try to take his place,
It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
you will only hurt your hand.
-- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
%
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
be a merrier world.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
%
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
get an unfair advantage.
-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%
If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
-- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
of the Young"
%
If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
-- Woody Allen
%
If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
%
If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
%
If only you knew she loved you, you could
face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
%
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
%
If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
then we are a sorry lot indeed.
-- Albert Einstein
%
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
-- Doug Larson
%
If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
-- Edward E. Hippensteel
[What brand of ink? Ed.]
%
If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
will take sandwiches.
-- Lord Boyd-orr
Eats first, morals after.
-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
%
If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
-- Hermann Goering
%
If people see that you mean them no harm,
they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
%
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
%
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
%
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
%
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
%
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
%
If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
-- Tom Wicker
%
If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
Eating components of soured milk.
On at least one occasion,
along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
Or at least in her vicinity,
And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
-- Ann Melugin Williams
%
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
pool cues, who would win?
1) Ricky Schroder
2) Gary Coleman
3) The television viewing public
-- David Letterman
%
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
books on how to?
-- Bette Midler
%
If she had not been cupric in her ions,
Her shape ovoidal,
Their romance might have flourished.
But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
His ions ferric,
Love could not help but die,
Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
%
If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
-- Robert Frost
%
If some people didn't tell you,
you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
%
If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
%
If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
%
If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
way they do?
%
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
and never be our destiny.
-- Rene de Visme Williamson
%
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
%
If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
this would be a better world.
-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
-- Norm Schryer
%
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
feature, that.
-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
%
If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
-- Robert Moses
%
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
-- Doug Larson
[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
%
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
-- Albert Einstein
%
If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
%
If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
%
If the government doesn't trust the people, why
doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
%
If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
consider what may be fertilizing it.
%
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
we would be so simple we couldn't.
%
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
I would have recommended something simpler.
-- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
%
If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
the lives of both have been wasted.
%
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
then this sentence would not be false.
%
If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
-- Frank Zappa
%
If the odds are a million to one against something
occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
%
If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
-- Anatole France
%
If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
what a living the poor could make!
%
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
%
If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
%
If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
paper folding, or something.
-- C. Philip Wood
%
If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
-- Chief Dan George
%
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
%
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
of this life.
-- Albert Camus
%
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
%
If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
can't afford divorce.
-- Jack Nicholson
%
If there is no wind, row.
-- Polish proverb
%
If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
-- Saul Goodman
%
If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
%
If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
%
If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
%
If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
to crudeness...
-- Johnny Mnemonic
%
If they were so inclined, they could impeach
him because they don't like his necktie.
-- Attorney General William Saxbe
%
If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
%
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
It's not time yet.
%
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
-- Lily Tomlin
%
Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
helmet off.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway
%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
%
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
%
If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
%
If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
-- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
%
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
all be millionaires.
-- Abigail Van Buren
%
If we do not change our direction we are
likely to end up where we are headed.
%
If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
-- John Sinclair
%
If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
of it.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
-- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
crimes.
%
If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
It's the light of an oncoming train.
-- Robert Lowell
%
If we spoke a different language, we
would perceive a somewhat different world.
-- Wittgenstein
%
If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
-- Samuel Adams
%
If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
with alarm clocks.
%
If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
%
If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
do something else.
-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
%
If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
%
If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
-- Gloria Steinem
%
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-- Aristotle Onassis
%
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
Quit work and play for once!
%
If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
-- Arthur Miller
%
If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
crazy.
%
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
-- Anton Chekov
%
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
-- Chekhov
%
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
%
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
good, you will get out of it.
%
If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
your honesty is corrupt.
%
If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
-- Abigail Van Buren
%
If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
If you are for yourself, then what are you?
If not now, when?
%
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
words.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is
sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions
speak louder than words.
-- Fran Lebowitz
%
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
by your parents, we will cash your check.
%
If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
-- Walter Hagen
%
If you are smart enough to know that you're not
smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
%
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
%
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
%
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
%
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman
%
If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
-- Edwin Schrodinger
%
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman
%
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
%
If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
%
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
%
If you catch a man, throw him back.
-- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
%
If you continually give you will continually have.
%
If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%
If you didn't have most of your friends,
you wouldn't have most of your problems.
%
If you didn't have to work so hard,
you'd have more time to be depressed.
%
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
-- John Galsworthy
%
If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
-- Carlyle
%
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%
If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
in the Bible.
-- Mordecai Richler
%
If you don't do it, you'll never know what
would have happened if you had done it.
%
If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
%
If you don't drink it, someone else will.
%
If you don't have the time right now,
will you have redo right time later?
%
If you don't have time to do it right, where
are you going to find the time to do it over?
%
If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
%
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
%
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
-- Calvin Coolidge
%
If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
%
If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
%
If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
get my drift.
%
If you explain something so clearly that no
one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
%
If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
%
If you find a solution and become attached to it,
the solution may become your next problem.
%
If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
%
If you float on instinct alone, how can you
calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
-- Christopher Hodder-Williams
%
If you fool around with something long
enough, it will eventually break.
%
If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
%
If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
so as not to disturb those around you.
%
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.
-- Jack Handey
%
If you had better tools, you could more
effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
%
If you had just one moment to live
And they granted you one special wish
Would you ask for something
Like another chance.
-- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
%
If you hands are clean and your cause is just
and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
%
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
%
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
-- Bette Davis
%
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
%
If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
straight.
-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
%
If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
-- Spiro Agnew
%
If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
%
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
-- Louis Armstrong
%
If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
%
If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
in chartered accountancy beckons.
-- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
Systems course.
%
If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
-- Neil Bogart
%
If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
%
If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
rubbish into it.
-- William Orton
%
If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
%
If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
-- Petersen Nesbit
%
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
-- Mark Twain
%
If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
-- David Letterman
%
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
365 useless things.
%
If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
%
If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
-- Simone De Beauvoir
%
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
-- Garrison Keillor
%
If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
%
If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
%
If you lose a son you can always get another,
but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
or famous or both.
%
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
he'll get rich or famous or both.
%
If you love someone, set them free.
If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
%
If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
%
If you make a mistake you right it
immediately to the best of your ability.
%
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
-- Ann Landers
%
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
%
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
-- Schmidt
%
If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
%
If you need anything just whistle.
You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
Just put your lips together and blow.
-- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
%
If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
they must not be deceiving you very well.
%
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
%
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it.
-- Pierre Gallois
%
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
restaurant.
-- Snoopy
%
If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
-- Hermann Goering
%
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
%
If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
%
If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
%
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
%
If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
-- Swami Prabhupada
%
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
%
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
many it's research.
-- Wilson Mizner
%
If you stew apples like cranberries,
they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
-- Groucho Marx
%
If you stick your head in the sand,
one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
%
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
%
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
schizophrenia.
-- Thomas Szasz
%
If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
harm.
%
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-- Mark Twain
%
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
%
If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
your Bic.
%
If you think the system is working,
ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
%
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
lack sufficient imagination.
%
If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
-- Mr. Interesting
%
If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
-- F.D. Roosevelt
%
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
%
If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
%
If you want me to be a good little bunny
just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
-- Lauren Bacall
%
If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
-- Michelet
%
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
-- Don Marquis
%
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
%
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
-- Woody Allen
%
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
%
If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
books.
-- Alan King
%
If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
-- Harry Blackstone
%
If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
%
If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
heartbeats.
%
If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
-- Chinese Proverb
%
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
%
If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
-- Anton Chekov
%
If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
why.
%
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
%
If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
-- Ben Franklin
%
If you would understand your own age, read the works
of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
%
If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
Bed down with a pretty girl.
Amor vincit omnia.
%
If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
%
If your bread is stale, make toast.
%
If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
-- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
%
If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
I guess you do have a problem.
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
%
If your mother knew what you're doing,
she'd probably hang her head and cry.
%
If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
%
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
longer be fantasies.
-- Fran Lebowitz
%
If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
-- W.C. Fields
%
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-- Jack Handey
%
If you're careful enough, nothing
bad or good will ever happen to you.
%
If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
The Olympics are over.
%
If you're constantly being mistreated,
you're cooperating with the treatment.
%
If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
together yet.
-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
%
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
If you're going to do something tonight
that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-- Henny Youngman
%
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
%
If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
As well as by traffic and crime,
Consider how worry-free gophers are,
Though living on burrowed time.
-- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
%
IGNORANCE:
When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
%
Ignorance is bliss.
-- Thomas Gray
Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
BLISS is ignorance.
%
Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
-- Franklin K. Dane
%
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
%
Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
so resolutely pursuing it.
%
Ignore previous fortune.
%
Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
Et le momerade horgrave.
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
%
I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
%
I'll burn my books.
-- Christopher Marlowe
%
I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
%
I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
%
I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
I play just what I feel.
Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
And die behind the wheel.
They got a name for the winners in the world,
I want a name when I lose.
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
Call me Deacon Blues.
-- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
%
I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
-- Pink Floyd
%
I'll never get off this planet.
-- Luke Skywalker
%
I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
%
I'll turn over a new leaf.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
any Indian.
-- Robert Orben
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
-- Jack Paar
%
Illegitimi non carborundum
(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
%
Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
%
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
-- Voltaire
%
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
that I could have evolved from man.
%
"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
-- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
the idea of a doomsday machine.
"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
-- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
Ellen up a steep incline.
"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
-- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
-- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise.
"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
-- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
-- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
that Kirk talked strangely.
"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
-- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
-- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
physical exam to answer the alert.
%
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
a sports jacket and take off my brain.
%
I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
thank everyone for making this night necessary.
-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
%
I'm all for computer dating, but I
wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
%
I'm always looking for a new idea that
will be more productive than its cost.
-- David Rockefeller
%
I'm an artist.
But it's not what I really want to do.
What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
I know what you're going to say --
"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
All right! But it's what I want to do.
Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
-- J. Feiffer
%
I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
that I could have been created by man.
%
"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
I'm dying beyond my means.
-- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
%
"I'm dying," he croaked.
"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
"You snake," she rattled.
"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
"Company's coming," she guessed.
"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
-- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
%
I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
-- Gore Vidal
%
I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
just had a good war.
-- Mae West
%
I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
%
I'm glad I was not born before tea.
-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
%
I'm glad that I'm an American,
I'm glad that I am free,
But I wish I were a little doggy,
And McGovern were a tree.
%
I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
it with you.
> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
> And in LA it's 72.
> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
is a million percent.
> And in LA it's 72.
> In New York there are a million interesting people.
> And in LA there are 72.
%
I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
-- Woody Allen
%
I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
-- John Foreman
%
I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
-- Bob Hope
%
I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
-- Harold Urey
%
I'm just as sad as sad can be!
I've missed your special date.
Please say that you're not mad at me
My tax return is late.
-- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
%
I'm not a lovable man.
-- Richard Nixon.
%
I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
with twenty-eight years ago.
-- Will Rogers
%
I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-- Woody Allen
%
I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
match the men.
-- George Eliot
%
I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
-- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
%
I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
%
I'm not offering myself as an example;
every life evolves by its own laws.
%
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
%
I'm not proud.
%
"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
%
I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
-- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
%
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
%
I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
that good.
-- Amy Gorin
%
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
-- Carl Sagan
%
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
%
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
%
I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
%
I'm sorry I missed.
-- Squeaky Fromme
%
I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
%
I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
%
I'm successful because I'm lucky.
The harder I work, the luckier I get.
%
"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
"That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
my arm."
%
I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
like pigeons and Catholics.
-- Woody Allen
%
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
-- A. Einstein
%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
%
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
complaining.
-- Jeff Raskin
%
Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
It would mean political ruin.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
-- John Lennon, "Imagine"
%
Imagine what we can imagine!
-- Arthur Rubinstein
%
Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
-- Genji
%
Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
In order for something to become clean, something else must
become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
anything clean.
%
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
-- Fred Allen
%
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
%
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
%
Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
-- Lionel Trilling
%
Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
-- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
%
Immutability, Three Rules of:
(1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
(2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
(3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
%
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
%
In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
more to its liking.
In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
liking.
%
In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
%
In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
%
In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
%
In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
-- Leon Trotsky, 1937
%
In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
anyway.
-- The 5th Wave
%
In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
%
In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
other really likes.
-- Elizabeth Ashley
%
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
%
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
%
In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
superior to Tops10.
%
In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
%
In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the
risk he takes.
-- Adlai Stevenson
%
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
%
In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
beloved.
-- Russell Baker
%
In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
%
In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
-- Idi Amin Dada
%
In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
the answer may be obtained by inspection.
%
IN BOX:
A catch basin for everything you don't want
to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
%
In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
the cows are known sluts.
-- Johnny Carson
%
In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
made the World Series just something that came later.
-- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
%
In buying horses and taking a wife
shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
%
In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
said, "up to the mathematicians."
-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
%
In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
it into television shows.
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
%
In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
%
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
-- The Kidner Report
%
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
%
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
He'll kiss it and make it better.
%
In charity there is no excess.
-- Francis Bacon
%
In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
be free of subjugation.
-- The Hindu Code of Manu
%
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
%
In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
This is called Monotony.
%
In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In work, be competent.
In action, be careful of your timing.
-- Lao Tsu
%
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%
In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
-- Mary Poppins
%
In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
%
In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
-- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
%
In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
%
In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
-- Pastor Martin Niemoller
%
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
%
In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
-- Plato
%
In her first passion woman loves her lover,
In all the others all she loves is love.
-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
%
In high school in Brooklyn
I was the baseball manager,
proud as I could be
I chased baseballs,
gathered thrown bats
handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
It was very important work but it was dark blue while
for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
got these jackets, and among all those green ones
surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
I still recall that jacket
and the memory goes on hurting.
-- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
%
In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
afterwards that causes the problems.
-- Shelley Winters
%
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
-- Rex Reed
%
In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
The cuckoo-clock.
-- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
%
In just seven days, I can make you a man!
-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
[ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
%
In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
-- James Slagle
%
In like a dimwit, out like a light.
-- Pogo
%
In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
-- Bruton
%
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
to take every advantage of the enemy.
%
In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
have obtained from books of travel.
-- Mark Twain
%
In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
in matters of taste, swim with the current.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
-- Josi Simon
%
In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
%
In most instances, all an argument
proves is that two people are present.
%
In my end is my beginning.
-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
%
In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
your left leg, it's modern architecture.
-- Nancy Banks Smith
%
IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
becoming pure energy.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
In Nature there are neither rewards nor
punishments, there are consequences.
-- R.G. Ingersoll
%
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
a practice which is still continued.
-- Helen Rowland
%
In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
%
In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
you're what's left.
%
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
%
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
It is not always an easy sacrifice.
%
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
%
In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
-- John Diefenbaker
%
In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
-- Paul Licker
%
In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
want the other person.
-- Margaret Anderson
%
In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
-- Will Durst
%
In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
-- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
%
In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
-- Ann Frank
%
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
-- Alan Kay
%
In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
%
In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
"One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
combination."
Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
%
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
And men were really obnoxious.
%
In the dimestores and bus stations
People talk of situations
Read books repeat quotations
Draw conclusions on the wall.
-- Bob Dylan
%
In the early morning queue,
With a listing in my hand.
With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
Hey, there it goes my friend,
I've moved up one at last.
-- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
%
In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes
into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird
moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
sky at its back, returns home.
The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
that the bird has come and gone.
%
In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
-- Martin Mull
%
In the first place, God made idiots;
this was for practice; then he made school boards.
-- Mark Twain
%
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
%
In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
-- Joseph Stalin
%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
%
In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
-- Tolstoy
%
In the long run we are all dead.
-- John Maynard Keynes
%
In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
%
In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
"Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
live?"
%
In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
displeasing to us.
-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
%
In the next world, you're on your own.
%
In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
camp.
After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
louder and louder.
Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
the sound of those drums."
Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
%
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
novel.
%
In the Spring, I have counted 136
different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
%
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
%
In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
%
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, there is.
%
In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
-- Pliny the Elder
%
In this vale
Of toil and sin
Your head grows bald
But not your chin.
-- Burma Shave
%
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
%
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
%
In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
-- Dr. L.J. Peter
%
In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
A stately pleasure dome decree,
Where /bin, the sacred river ran
Through Test Suites measureless to Man
Down to a sunless C.
%
In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
-- Napoleon
%
In war, truth is the first casualty.
-- U Thant
%
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
%
In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
-- Pliny
%
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
%
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forest ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
-- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
%
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!
-- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
%
INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
keep it."
%
Include me out.
%
Increased knowledge will help you now.
Have mate's phone bugged.
%
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
%
Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
-- M.D. Epstein
%
INDEX:
Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
%
Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
-- Carolyn Jones
%
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
%
Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
advance; insufferable in victory.
-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
%
Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
%
Information is the inverse of entropy.
%
Information Processing:
What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
%
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
the service. Our utmost will improve it.
-- Colin Bowles
%
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
or similar.
On a Bucharest elevator:
The lift is being fixed for the next days.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
-- Colin Bowles
%
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
Various signs in Poland:
Right turn toward immediate outside.
Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
Five o'clock tea at all hours.
In a men's washroom in Sidney:
Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
on front of shirt.
-- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
%
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
likes oneself.
-- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
%
INNOVATE:
Annoy people.
%
INNUENDO:
Italian enema.
%
Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
-- Wilson Mizner
%
Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids!
%
INSECURITY:
Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
favorite words.
Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
the person who told it to you.
%
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
%
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
%
Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
hunting accident?"
Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
-- Woody Allen
%
Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
%
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
-- Edgar W. Howe
%
Integrity has no need for rules.
%
Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
-- Henry Spencer
%
Intellect annuls Fate.
So far as a man thinks, he is free.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Interchangeable parts won't.
%
INTEREST:
What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
burned out employees must feign.
%
Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
-- David Letterman
%
Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
best at, that's what I say.
-- Doctor Who
%
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
-- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
%
INTOXICATED:
When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
%
Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
INSTRUCTION SET
Code Mnemonic What
0 NOP No Operation
1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
%
Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
%
Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
-- Bernard Cooke
%
I/O, I/O,
It's off to disk I go,
A bit or byte to read or write,
I/O, I/O, I/O...
%
_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l
I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l
[__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
[][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l
[__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
[][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l
[__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l
[][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l
[__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l
[__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l
[][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's
[__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings
_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________
[__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
%
IOT trap -- core dumped
%
IOT trap -- mos dumped
%
Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
-- Crow T. Robot
%
Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
little paper envelopes.
%
IRONY:
A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
%
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
%
Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
%
"Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
%
Is death legally binding?
%
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
-- Steven Wright
%
Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
%
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
%
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
-- Mae West
%
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
%
"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
%
Is there life before breakfast?
%
Is this really happening?
%
Isn't air travel wonderful?
Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
%
Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
%
Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
would make them better prospects?
%
Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
there?
-- Herb Caen
%
ISO applications:
A solution in search of a problem!
%
It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
-- J. Sammet
%
It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind starts and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.
%
"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
have wings by not being Walter's horse.
I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
-- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
%
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
carried me.
-- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
%
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
%
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
pick up something from the floor while you get up.
%
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.
%
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
%
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
next morning it was someone else.
-- Rogers
%
It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
%
It gets late early out there.
-- Yogi Berra
%
It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
or both feet firmly planted in the air.
%
It hangs down from the chandelier
Nobody knows quite what it does
Its color is odd and its shape is weird
It emits a high-sounding buzz
It grows a couple of feet each day
and wriggles with sort of a twitch
Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
a visiting uncle who's rich!
-- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
%
It happened long ago
In the new magic land
The Indians and the buffalo
Existed hand in hand
The Indians needed food
They need skins for a roof
The only took what they needed
And the buffalo ran loose
But then came the white man
With his thick and empty head
He couldn't see past his billfold
He wanted all the buffalo dead
It was sad, oh so sad.
-- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
%
It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
-- H. Warner Munn
%
It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
and getting people under the influence.
-- Jeremy Tunstall
%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%
It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
competence will be quite enough.
-- The Underground Grammarian
%
It has long been an axiom of mine that the
little things are infinitely the most important.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
%
It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
%
It has long been known that one horse can run faster
than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
-- Lazarus Long
%
It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
of infanticide.
-- Edmond About
%
It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
-- Marcus Porcius Cato
%
It is a lesson which all history teaches
wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
-- Emerson
%
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
%
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
-- Aeschylus
%
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
three more than the schedule allowed.
The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
their thumbs for ten months.
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
-- Alan Perlis
%
It is all right to hold a conversation,
but you should let go of it now and then.
-- Richard Armour
%
It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
-- Jerome K. Jerome
%
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
you are an exceptionally good liar.
-- Jerome K. Jerome
%
It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
%
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
%
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
-- Andrew W. Mathis
%
[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
-- K&R
%
It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
%
It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
%
It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
%
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
%
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
%
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
%
It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
%
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
%
It is better to live rich than to die rich.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
%
It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
%
It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
%
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
%
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%
It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
-- Descartes
%
It is convenient that there be gods, and,
as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
%
It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
remember.
-- Eugene McCarthy
%
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
%
It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
%
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
-- Alfred Adler
%
It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
-- George Santayana
%
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
-- Leonardo da Vinci
%
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
%
It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
-- Aeschylus
%
It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
%
It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
is there, but speed him when he wishes.
-- Homer, "The Odyssey"
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to scheduling.]
%
It is exactly because a man cannot do a
thing that he is a proper judge of it.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
enough.
-- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
%
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
%
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.
-- Miss Manners
%
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
%
It is fruitless:
to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
innovative maneuvers.
%
It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
love does not lie in the ear.
-- Walpole
%
It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
%
It is impossible to defend perfectly
against the attack of those who want to die.
%
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
unless one has plenty of work to do.
-- Jerome Klapka Jerome
%
It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
-- Jerome K. Jerome
%
It is impossible to make anything
foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
%
IT IS IN PROCESS:
So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
%
It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
-- Plutarch
%
It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
-- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
%
It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
like a happy married life.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
%
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
-- Kingsley Amis
%
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
%
It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
that makes life blessed.
-- Goethe
%
It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
[Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
[Great minds think alike? Ed.]
%
It is not enough to have a good mind.
The main thing is to use it well.
-- Rene Descartes
%
It is not enough to have great qualities,
we should also have the management of them.
-- La Rochefoucauld
%
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
inscrutable workings of Providence.
-- The Earl of Birkenhead
%
It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
-- Proverbs 19:2
%
It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
-- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
%
It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
%
It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
or defeat.
-- Teddy Roosevelt
%
It is not true that life is one damn thing after
another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%
It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
-- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
%
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
chemistry.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
-- Grace Murray Hopper
%
It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
-- Cervantes
%
It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
is the only thing that makes the result come true.
-- William James
%
It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye.
-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
%
It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
should be used in its proper place.
-- Christopher Strachey
%
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
-- Maimie Van Doren
%
It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
%
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
day like any other day, only shorter.
-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
%
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
too, shall pass away."
-- A. Lincoln
%
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
%
It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
devil when he is the only explanation of it.
-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
%
It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
%
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
%
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
-- Francis Bacon
%
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
-- Francis Bacon
%
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
%
It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
lives, works and has his being.
-- Thomas Carlyle
%
It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
-- Lloyd Kaufman,
producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
%
It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
It produces a false impression.
-- Oscar Wilde.
%
It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
-- Roger Babson
%
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
%
It isn't easy being green.
-- Kermit the Frog
%
It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
computers.
%
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy.
-- Groucho Marx
%
It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
-- Jack T. Shakespeare
%
It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
to Grandmother's condo.
%
It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
%
It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
-- Princess Leia Organa
%
IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
%
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
or lose.
-- Darrin Weinberg
%
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
-- Lazarus Long
%
It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
in those who would gain by the new ones.
-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
%
It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
-- Arthur Binstead
%
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
%
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
%
It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
one's life and then come round.
-- Lord Alfred Douglas
%
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
%
It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
they'll come out for it.
-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
Harry Cohn
%
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
more.
-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
%
It seems a little silly now, but this country
was founded as a protest against taxation.
%
It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
artificial lubrication or foreplay.
-- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
"Sex, Art and American Culture"
%
It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
-- Chris Torek
%
It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
language named "research student".
%
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
%
It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
average wife is like that.
-- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
%
It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
%
It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
%
It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
-- Crazy Charlie
%
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
%
It takes less time to do a thing right
than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
-- H.W. Longfellow
%
It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
%
It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
%
It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
%
It used to be the fun was in
The capture and kill.
In another place and time
I did it all for thrills.
-- Lust to Love
%
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
-- Mark Twain
%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
%
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
%
It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
-- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
%
It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
%
It was all so different before everything changed.
%
It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
-- Dion, noted computer scientist
%
It was one time too many
One word too few
It was all too much for me and you
There was one way to go
Nothing more we could do
One time too many
One word too few
-- Meredith Tanner
%
It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
%
It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
thought Frito.
-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
man appeared out of an upstairs window.
"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
"My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
would let me stay here for the night."
"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
okay with me."
%
It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
It was wonderful to find America, but it
would have been more wonderful to miss it.
-- Mark Twain
%
It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
-- Tim Conway
%
It would be nice to be sure of anything
the way some people are of everything.
%
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
%
italic, adj:
Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
are often slanted to the left.
%
It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
%
It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
-- Luke Skywalker
%
It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
-- Danny Vermin
%
It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
and party!
-- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
%
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
%
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
%
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman
%
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright
%
It's all in the mind, ya know.
%
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
-- Mick Jagger
%
"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
have thought it up, I wonder?"
-- James Purdy
%
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
-- Alex Clark
%
It's amazing how many people you could be friends
with if only they'd make the first approach.
%
It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
%
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
%
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
-- Michael Arlen
%
It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
but why do the rats always have to win?
%
It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
-- Tom Stoppard
%
It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
%
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
%
It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
%
It's business doing pleasure with you.
%
It's clever, but is it art?
%
It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
%
"It's easier said than done."
... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".
%
It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
-- Don Price
%
It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
-- Washlesky
%
It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
%
It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
%
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
the ignorance of the community.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
It's faster horses,
Younger women,
Older whiskey and
More money.
-- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
%
It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
-- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
%
It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
kill somebody.
-- Dorothy Sayers
%
It's gonna be alright,
It's almost midnight,
And I've got two more bottles of wine.
%
It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
even if most of them are bad.
%
It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
%
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
%
It's hard to drive at the limit, but
it's harder to know where the limits are.
-- Stirling Moss
%
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
-- Groucho Marx
%
It's hard to keep your shirt on when
you're getting something off your chest.
%
It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
-- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
%
It's hard to think of you as the end
result of millions of years of evolution.
%
It's important that people know what you stand for.
It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
%
It's interesting to think that many quite
distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
%
It's just apartment house rules,
So all you 'partment house fools
Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
-- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
%
It's later than you think.
%
It's later than you think, the joint
Russian-American space mission has already begun.
%
It's like deja vu all over again.
-- Yogi Berra
%
It's multiple choice time...
What is FORTRAN?
a: Between thre and fiv tran.
b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
c: Ridiculous.
%
Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
-- Mark Twain
%
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
%
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
a sickness you like.
-- Jackie Mason
%
It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
%
It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
It's not easy being green.
-- Kermit
%
It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
-- J.K. Galbraith
%
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
%
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
%
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
-- Mae West
%
It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
%
It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
-- Grantland Rice
%
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
%
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
%
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
-- Roger Noe
%
It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
-- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
elected governor of California.
[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
%
It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
as a warning to others.
%
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
poverty and wealth have both failed.
-- Kim Hubbard
%
It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
society will take full responsibility for you.
%
It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
results to humans.
[Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
%
It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
have been all over it.
-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
%
It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
just to see if it's real,
Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
%
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
%
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
%
It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
boy gets another beer.
-- Cheers
%
"It's today!" said Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.
%
It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
%
It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
-- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
%
It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
%
IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.
V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
%
I've already told you more than I know.
%
I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
%
I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
%
I've always made it a solemn practice to never
drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
-- R. Nesson
%
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
-- Mae West
%
I've Been Moved!
%
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
-- Totie Fields
%
I've been on this lonely road so long,
Does anybody know where it goes,
I remember last time the signs pointed home,
A month ago.
-- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
%
I've been there.
%
I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
-- Dennie van Tassel
%
I've got a very bad feeling about this.
-- Han Solo
%
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
-- Henny Youngman
%
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
-- Stephen Wright
%
I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
I'd like to watch him have another.
%
I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
-- Joel Halpern.
%
I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
%
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
-- George Gobel
%
I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
-- Calvin Coolidge
%
I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
-- Keith Richards
I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
bad taste.
-- Keith Richards
%
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
-- W.C. Fields
%
I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
%
I've only got 12 cards.
%
I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
-- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
%
I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
jake hates
all the girls(the
shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
ones; the meek the girls(the
proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
all except the cold ones; the slim
ones plump tiny tall)
all except the
dull ones
gus loves all the
girls(the
warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
ones; the mad (the
moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
all except ones; the mean
the dead ones kind dirty clean)
all
except the green ones
-- e e cummings
%
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
%
Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
television?" and "Good night".
-- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
Letters, 1967
%
Japan, n:
A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
which they are harvested by the happy natives.
%
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
%
Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
%
Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
%
Jim Nasium's Law:
In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
each other so that everybody is cramped.
%
Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
%
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
to you. You gonna pay it?
%
JOB INTERVIEW:
The excruciating process during which personnel officers
separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
%
Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
-- Snoopy
%
Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
Her voice was little more than a whisper.
"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
%
jogger, n:
An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
%
John Dame May Oscar
Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
-- Willard Espy
%
John Birch Society:
That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
-- Edward P. Morgan
%
JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
(George and Ringo miffed.)
%
John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
-- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
%
Johnny Carson's Definition:
The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
%
Johnson's First Law:
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
most inconvenient possible time.
%
Johnson's law:
Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
%
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
exciting people, and kill them.
%
Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
%
Jones' Second Law:
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on.
%
Joshu: What is the true Way?
Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
J: Can I study it?
N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
yourself as wide as the sky.
%
Journalism is literature in a hurry.
-- Matthew Arnold
%
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
%
Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
%
Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
someone else's cash.
-- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
%
Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
Pick one.
1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
2: It's cheaper than going to France.
3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
4: Life is short.
5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
6: It matches my eyes.
7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
%
Just a song before I go, Going through security
To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
She helped me with my suitcase,
She stands before my eyes,
Driving me to the airport
And to the friendly skies.
-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
%
Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
women.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
%
Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
going to get hit.
-- Joey
%
Just because the message may never be
received does not mean it is not worth sending.
%
Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
what I mean.
-- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
%
Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
-- Bob Dylan
%
Just because your doctor has a name for your
condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
%
Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
-- Glynda
%
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
%
Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
about his or her love affairs.
-- Rebecca West
%
Just machines to make big decisions,
Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
We'll be clean when their work is done,
We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
What a beautiful world this will be,
What a glorious time to be free.
-- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
%
Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
-- Buckeroo Banzai
%
Just to have it is enough.
%
Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
of all the others, and then do what's best.
-- Lovers and Other Strangers
%
Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
%
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
Just can't remember who to send it to...
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
But I always thought that I'd see you again.
Thought I'd see you one more time again.
-- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
%
Justice is incidental to law and order.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
Kafka's Law:
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
%
Kamikazes do it once.
%
KANSAS:
Where the men are men and so are the women!
%
Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
package of snack food.
Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
of lunch meat.
%
Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
at the conception.
-- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
%
Katz' Law:
Men and nations will act rationally when
all other possibilities have been exhausted.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
exhausted all other alternatives.
-- Abba Eban
%
Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
Population density is inversely proportional
to the square of the distance from the keg.
%
Kaufman's Law:
A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
%
Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
-- Mae West
%
Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
-- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
%
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
in the head and knock you silly.
%
Keep it short for pithy sake.
%
Keep on keepin' on.
%
Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
-- Joe Bonanno
%
Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
-- D. Gries
%
Keep the phase, baby.
%
Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
%
Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
at the end of six months.
-- Moore
%
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
%
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Keep your laws off my body!
%
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
%
Kennedy's Market Theorem:
Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
you've got to go broke.
%
Kent's Heuristic:
Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
%
kern, v:
1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
metal object used as part of the monetary system.
%
KERNEL:
A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
traditions of sorcery and black art.
%
Kettering's Observation:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
%
Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
%
Kill a commie for your mommy.
%
Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
%
Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
-- Hindu saying
%
Kill Kill,
Hate Hate,
Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
%
Kill your parents.
-- Jerry Rubin
%
Killing turkeys causes winter.
%
Kilroe hic erat!
%
Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
%
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
-- Mark Twain
%
Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
-- Muad'dib
%
Kington's Law of Perforation:
If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
part of the paper.
%
Kirk to Enterprise...
%
Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
%
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%
Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
%
Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
%
Kissing don't last, cookery do.
-- George Meredith
%
Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
%
Kitchen activity is highlighted.
Butter up a friend.
%
Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
-- Winston Churchill
%
Klatu barada nikto.
%
Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
%
Kliban's First Law of Dining:
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
%
Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
100% Damage to life support!!!!
%
Kludge, n:
An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
distressing whole.
-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
%
Knebel's Law:
It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
causes of statistics.
%
Knights are hardly worth it.
I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
%
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet Evening...
%
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
[chorus]
Yeay!
Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
Stay on the Happy side of life!
Bum bum bum bum bum bum
You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
An another eather bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
%
Knocked, you weren't in.
-- Opportunity
%
Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
-- No?
GOOD!
%
Know Thy User.
%
KNOWLEDGE:
Things you believe.
%
Knowledge is power.
-- Francis Bacon
%
Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
-- Aleister Crowley
%
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
%
Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
%
Kramer's Law:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
%
Kramer's Law:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
%
LA:
Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
From mud slides to brush fires.
%
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
%
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.
%
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
%
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you of something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
There will be a convention held in the
Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
Admission is free, pay at the door,
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
It was a summer's day in winter,
And the snow was raining fast,
As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
Stood sitting in the grass.
Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
Three blind men to see fair play,
Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and arrested those two dead boys.
%
Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
her.
-- Billie Jean King
%
Lady, lady, should you meet
One whose ways are all discreet,
One who murmurs that his wife
Is the lodestar of his life,
One who keeps assuring you
That he never was untrue,
Never loved another one...
Lady, lady, better run!
-- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
%
Lady Luck brings added income today.
Lady friend takes it away tonight.
%
Lady Nancy Astor:
"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchill:
"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
you would pin this on your white meat."
%
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
%
Lake Erie died for your sins.
%
((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
%
Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
candy, and said:
"Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
%
Language is a virus from another planet.
-- William Burroughs
%
Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
20,000 women.
-- Lank and Earl
%
Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
-- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
%
Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
-- Lord Kalvin
%
Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
LASER:
Failed death ray.
%
Last guys don't finish nice.
-- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
%
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper
%
Last night I met upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
Gee how I wish he'd go away!
%
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
-- Stephen Wright
%
Last week's pet, this week's special.
%
Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
I don't remember what it was.
-- Stephen Wright
%
Latin is a language,
As dead as can be.
First it killed the Romans,
And now it's killing me.
%
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
%
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
%
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
%
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
%
Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
%
Laura's Law:
No child throws up in the bathroom.
%
Lavish spending can be disastrous.
Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
%
Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
-- Richard M. Nixon
%
Law of Continuity:
Experiments should be reproducible.
They should all fail the same way.
%
Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
%
Law of the Jungle:
He who hesitates is lunch.
%
Law of the Yukon:
Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
%
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
%
Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
%
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
%
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
-- Otto von Bismarck
%
Laws of Computer Programming:
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.
%
LAWSUIT:
A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Lawyer's Rule:
When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
%
Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
-- S.J. Perelman
%
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
-- Shakespeare
%
Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
The reason, you will see, no doubt,
Is to keep the lightning out.
But what these unobservant birds
Have failed to notice is that herds
Of bears may come with buns
And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
%
LAZY:
Marrying a pregnant woman.
%
Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
smaller -- and there are many more of them.
-- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
%
Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
%
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
%
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
%
LEARNING CURVE:
An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
quicker you can do it.
%
Learning without thought is labor lost;
thought without learning is perilous.
-- Confucius
%
Leave no stone unturned.
-- Euripides
%
Lee's Law:
Mother said there would be days like this,
but she never said that there'd be so many!
%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%
Leibowitz's Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
%
Lemma: All horses are the same color.
Proof (by induction):
Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
horses in that set are the same color.
Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
horses are the same color.
Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
Proof (by intimidation):
Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
%
Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
%
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
%
Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
%
LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
%
Lesbian QOTD:
I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
%
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
%
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
%
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
%
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
%
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
around his neck.
-- Dave Barry
%
Let no guilty man escape.
-- U.S. Grant
%
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
%
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
-- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
%
Let sleeping dogs lie.
-- Charles Dickens
%
Let the machine do the dirty work.
-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
%
Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
-- James Thurber
%
Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
-- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
%
Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
-- Capone
%
Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Let us go then you and I
while the night is laid out against the sky
like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
-- Ezra
%
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
-- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
%
Let us never negotiate out of fear,
but let us never fear to negotiate.
-- John F. Kennedy
%
Let us not look back in anger or forward
in fear, but around us in awareness.
-- James Thurber
%
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
%
Let us treat men and women well;
Treat them as if they were real;
Perhaps they are.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Let your conscience be your guide.
-- Pope
%
L'etat c'est moi.
[The state, that's me.]
-- Louis XIV
%
Let's do it.
-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
%
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
%
Let's just be friends and make no special
effort to ever see each other again.
%
Let's love each other slowly,
reaching for a plane,
of exquisite pleasure,
and delicate pain.
-- Adam Beslove
%
Let's not complicate our relationship
by trying to communicate with each other.
%
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
%
Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
-- Austen Briggs
%
LEVERAGE:
Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
%
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
%
L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
-- L. Pasteur
%
Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
-- Oliver Herford
%
LIBERAL:
Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
%
Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
-- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
%
Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
of bed today.
%
Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
-- Ma Barker
%
LIFE:
A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%
LIFE:
Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
%
LIFE:
That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
%
Life -- Love It or Leave It.
%
Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
-- Miss November, 1966
%
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
-- Paul Gauguin
%
Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
%
Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
%
Life exists for no known purpose.
%
Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
-- Valerie Solanas
%
Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
%
Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
-- Woody Allen
%
Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
-- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
%
Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
important than something else. If what already is, is more important
than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
-- Werner Erhard
%
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
%
Life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporania;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
-- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
%
Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
-- Helen Keller
%
Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
%
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
change his bed.
-- Charles Baudelaire
%
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
-- R.V. Winkle
%
Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
-- Clarence Darrow
%
Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
%
Life is an exciting business, and most
exciting when it is lived for others.
%
Life is both difficult and time consuming.
%
Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
%
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
%
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
%
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
%
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
%
Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
%
Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
-- C. Schultz
%
Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
%
Life is like a sewer.
What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
Life is like a tin of sardines.
We're, all of us, looking for the key.
-- Beyond the Fringe
%
Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
%
Life is like an onion: you peel it off
one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
-- Carl Sandburg
%
Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
%
Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
%
Life is not for everyone.
%
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
Life is the childhood of our immortality.
-- Goethe
%
Life is the living you do,
Death is the living you don't do.
-- Joseph Pintauro
%
Life is the urge to ecstasy.
%
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
%
Life is too short to be taken seriously.
-- O. Wilde
%
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
-- Storm Jameson
%
Life is wasted on the living.
-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
%
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
-- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
%
Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
-- Don Reed
%
Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
%
Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
-- Dag Hammarskjold
%
Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
%
Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
-- Thomas J. Kopp
%
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
-- Sanka Ad
%
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
-- Dave Olson
%
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
%
Lift every voice and sing
Till earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise
High as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
Let us march on till victory is won.
-- James Weldon Johnson
%
Lighten up, while you still can,
Don't even try to understand,
Just find a place to make your stand,
And take it easy.
-- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
%
LIGHTHOUSE:
A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
%
LIKE:
When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
%
Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
the difference between one young woman and another.
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
%
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
-- Rachel Sheeley, winner
The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
-- Claudia Fields, runner-up
It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.
%
Like corn in a field I cut you down,
I threw the last punch way too hard,
After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
I'm as low as a paid assassin is
You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
You know I can't think straight no more
You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
-- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
%
Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
weren't so damned great!
-- Armistead Maupin
%
Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
like the Rolling Stones?
-- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
%
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
religions.
-- Benjamin Spock
%
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
%
Like the time I ran away...
And turned around and you were standing close to me.
-- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
%
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
%
Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
-- Senior Year Quote
%
Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
Q -- Is there life after death?
A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
-- Dave Barry
%
Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
wins few friends, Germans excepted.
-- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
%
"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
in it he found that the damned things diverged.
-- Piet Hein
%
Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
Snoopy: That's nice to know.
The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
%
Linus' Law:
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
%
Lions in the street and roaming,
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
A beast caged in the heart of the city.
The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
He fled the town.
Went down south across the border,
Left the chaos and disorder
Back there, over his shoulder.
One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
A strange creature groaning beside him.
Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
-- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
%
LISP:
To call a spade a thpade.
%
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
Lisp Machine is Fun.
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
Fun for everyone.
%
Lisp Users:
Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
%
Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
a panacea so alleged.
-- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
the recession?"
%
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
Life is the other way around.
-- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
%
Littering is dumb.
-- Ronald Macdonald
%
Little Fly,
Thy summer's play If thought is life
My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
Has brush'd away. And the want
Of thought is death,
Am not I
A fly like thee? Then am I
Or art not thou A happy fly
A man like me? If I live
Or if I die.
For I dance
And drink & sing,
Till some blind hand
Shall brush my wing.
-- William Blake, "The Fly"
%
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
%
Little Known Facts, #23:
Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
the BMW repair garage?
%
Little Mary on the ice,
Went out to have a frisk,
Now wasn't little Mary nice,
Her pretty *?
%
Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
-- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
%
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
-- James Dean
%
Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
%
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
%
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
-- Josh Billings
%
Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
-- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
%
Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
%
Living in New York City gives people real incentives
to want things that nobody else wants.
-- Andy Warhol
%
Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
%
LIVING YOUR LIFE:
A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
%
Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
-- Marvin Minsky
%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
%
Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
%
Logic is a systematic method of coming
to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
%
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
%
LOGO for the Dead
LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
"The Other Side."
The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
Bulletin Board System).
LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
-- '80 Microcomputing
%
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
%
Lonely is a man without love.
-- Engelbert Humperdinck
%
Lonely men seek companionship.
Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
%
Lonesome?
Like a change?
Like a new job?
Like excitement?
Like to meet new and interesting people?
JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
%
Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
%
Long life is in store for you.
%
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
pain and his aloneness without regret?
-- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
%
Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
%
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
%
Look at it this way:
Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
%
Look at it this way:
Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
forget $26,000 of college education.
And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
%
Look before you leap.
-- Samuel Butler
%
Look ere ye leap.
-- John Heywood
%
Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
country was built.
-- Hubert Allen
%
Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
-- Stephen Sondheim
%
Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
-- Charles D'Hericault
%
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
%
Lost: gray and white female cat.
Answers to electric can opener.
%
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
%
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
-- Frank Hubbard
%
Lots of girls can be had for a song.
Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
%
Louie Louie, me gotta go
Louie Louie, me gotta go
Fine little girl she waits for me
Me catch the ship for cross the sea
Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
(chorus) On the ship I dream she there
I smell the rose in her hair
Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
It won't be long, me see my love
I take her in my arms and then
Me tell her I never leave again
-- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
%
Louie, Louie, me gotta go
Louie, Louie, me gotta go
Fine little girl she waits for me
Me catch the ship for cross the sea
Me sail the ship all alone
Me never thinks me make it home
[chorus]
Three nights and days me sail the sea
Me think of girl constantly
On the ship I dream she there
I smell the rose in her hair
[chorus; guitar solo]
Me see Jamaica moon above
It won't be long, me see my love
I take her in my arms and then
Me tell her I never leave again
-- The real words to the Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
%
LOVE:
I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
%
LOVE:
Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
%
LOVE:
When, if asked to choose between your lover
and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
%
LOVE:
When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
%
LOVE:
When you don't want someone too close--
because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
%
LOVE:
When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
%
Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
%
Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
%
Love America - or give it back.
%
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
-- Oscar Hammerstein II
%
Love is a grave mental disease.
-- Plato
%
Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
-- Matt Groening
%
Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
%
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
with the ideal never goes unpunished.
-- Goethe
%
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
-- Dr. Karl Bowman
%
Love is being stupid together.
-- Paul Valery
%
Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
%
Love is in the offing.
-- The Homicidal Maniac
%
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
%
Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
and unquenchable.
-- Bruce Lee
%
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
-- Jerome K. Jerome
%
Love is never asking why?
%
Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
%
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
%
Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
raises some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen
%
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
-- Charles Baudelaire
%
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
-- M. Hirschfield
%
Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
-- Saint Exupery
%
Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
%
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
-- James Thurber
%
Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
%
Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
-- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
%
Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
momentum.
%
Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
-- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
%
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
-- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
-- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
%
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
%
Love tells us many things that are not so.
-- Krainian Proverb
%
Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
%
Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
%
Love to eat them mousies,
Mousies I love to eat.
Bite they little heads off,
Nibble at they tiny feet.
-- Kliban
%
Love to eat them mousies,
Mousies what I love to eat.
Bite they little heads off,
Nibble on they tiny feet.
-- Kliban
%
Love to eat them mousies;
Mousies what I love to eat.
Bite they tiny heads off,
Nibble on they tiny feet!
-- Kilban
%
Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
seized this one for the fair form
that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
seized me so strongly with delight in him,
that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
Love brought us to one death.
-- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
%
Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
%
Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
-- Russell Banks
%
Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
-- P.E. Trudeau
%
Lucky, adj:
When you have a wife and a cigarette
lighter -- both of which work.
%
Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
%
Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
Can't you be serious for once?
Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
of the more important things in life!
(pause)
Tomorrow!!
%
Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
%
Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
-- Bergan Evans
%
Ma Bell is a mean mother!
%
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
%
"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
"What about X?"
"I said `intellectual'."
;login, 9/1990
%
Machine-independent program:
A program that will not run on any machine.
%
Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
-- Andy Warhol
%
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
repairman arrives.
%
macho, adj.:
Jogging home from your vasectomy.
%
Macho does not prove mucho.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%
Madison's Inquiry:
If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
%
Madness takes its toll.
%
Magary's Principle:
When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
%
Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
%
MAGPIE:
A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
to someone that it might be taught to talk.
-- A. Bierce
%
MAIDEN AUNT:
A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
%
Maiden, n:
A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
canary -- which, also, is more portable.
Male, n:
A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
%
Major premise:
Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
Minor premise:
A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
Conclusion:
Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
Secondary Conclusion:
Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
%
Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
-- Robert Moses
%
Make a wish, it might come true.
%
Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
%
Make it right before you make it faster.
%
Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
-- Daniel Hudson Burnham
%
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
%
Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
%
MALPRACTICE:
The reason surgeons wear masks.
%
Man and wife make one fool.
%
Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
-- Wernher von Braun
%
Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
-- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
-- Fred Allen
%
Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
%
Man is a military animal,
Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
-- P.J. Bailey
%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
no dog exchanges bones with another.
-- Adam Smith
%
Man is by nature a political animal.
-- Aristotle
%
Man is the measure of all things.
-- Protagoras
%
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
%
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
for he is the only animal that is struck with the
difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
-- William Hazlitt
%
Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
-- Arthur R. Miller
%
Man proposes, God disposes.
-- Thomas a Kempis
%
Man who arrives at party two hours late
will find he has been beaten to the punch.
%
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
%
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
%
Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.
%
Man will never fly.
Space travel is merely a dream.
All aspirin is alike.
%
Management: How many feet do mice have?
Reply: Mice have four feet.
M: Elaborate!
R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
M: What? Feet with no legs?
R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
is not equipped with a foot.
M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
ornamental in nature.
M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
R: Mice have four feet.
%
MANAGEMENT:
The art of getting other people to do all the work.
%
MANAGER:
A man known for giving great meeting.
%
man-hour, n:
A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
%
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
Easy glum, easy glow.
%
Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
-- Plotinus
%
Manly's Maxim:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
with confidence.
%
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
%
Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
%
Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
-- Sydney J. Harris
%
Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
-- George M. Cohan
%
Many a family tree needs trimming.
%
Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
is not so. It is so. It is not so.
-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
%
Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
%
Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
can easily support two or more.
%
Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound
except when he can't understand his own meaning.
-- George D. Prentice
%
Many are called, few are chosen.
Fewer still get to do the choosing.
%
Many are called, few volunteer.
%
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
%
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
%
Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
their data processing systems.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
%
Many hands make light work.
-- John Heywood
%
Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
%
Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
-- Francis Galton, 1909
%
Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
tricks on me and treating me badly.
-- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
%
Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
%
Many pages make a thick book.
%
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
very thin paper.
%
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
%
Many people are secretly interested in life.
%
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
%
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
%
Many people feel that if you won't let
them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
%
Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
%
Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
%
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
%
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man,
You, with your fresh thoughts
Care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name
Sorrow's springs are the same:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
-- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
%
Marigold: Jealousy
Mint: Virute
Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
Pansy: Thoughts
Peach blossom: I am your captive
Petunia: Your presence soothes me
Poppy: Sleep
Rose, any color: Love
Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
Rose, white: I am worthy of you
Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
Rosemary: Remembrance
Sunflower: Haughtiness
Tulip, red: Declaration of love
Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
Violet, blue: Faithfulness
Violet, white: Modesty
Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
%
Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
%
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
it in order to protect themselves.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
MARRIAGE:
An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
%
MARRIAGE:
Convertible bonds.
%
Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
insincerity possible between two human beings.
-- Vicki Baum
%
Marriage causes dating problems.
%
Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
-- Edmond About
%
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
%
Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
not ready for an institution yet.
-- Mae West
%
Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
-- James Garner
%
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
%
Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-- Roger Price
%
Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
%
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
in the brewery.
-- George Jean Nathan
%
Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
%
Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
%
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
-- Baskins
%
Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
-- Calvin Trillin
%
Marriage is the process of finding out what
kind of man your wife would have preferred.
%
Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
%
Marriage, n:
The evil aye.
%
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
-- John Lyly
%
Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
%
MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
connected by a thin strand.
Come on, Marta, grow up.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group."
"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
%
'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
What a finely tuned response to the situation!
%
Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
"Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
named a drink Fred?"
%
Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
%
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
-- Alma Garcia
%
Maryann's Law:
You can always find what you're not looking for.
%
Maslow's Maxim:
If the only tool you have is a hammer,
you treat everything like a nail.
%
Mason's First Law of Synergism:
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
%
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
%
Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
-- Christopher Hampton
%
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
-- Monty Python
%
Mater artium necessitas.
[Necessity is the mother of invention].
%
MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
Please, don't drink and derive.
Mathematicians
Against
Drunk
Deriving
%
mathematician, n:
Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
%
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
-- Henry Adams
%
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
%
Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
-- Albert Einstein
%
Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
-- Russell
%
Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
-- Bertrand Russell
%
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
%
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
%
[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
-- S. Kierkegaard
%
Matz's Law:
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
%
May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
%
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
%
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
%
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
%
May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
%
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
%
May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
%
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
%
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
%
May you live in uninteresting times.
-- Chinese proverb
%
May your camel be as swift as the wind.
%
May your SO always know when you need a hug.
%
Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
-- Will Rogers
%
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
-- R.S. Barton
%
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
-- Lazarus Long
%
"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
%
"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
had to seek professional help."
%
May's Law:
The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
%
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
%
McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
When traveling with a herd of elephants,
don't be the first to lie down and rest.
%
Meade's Maxim:
Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
just like everyone else.
%
Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
%
Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful
oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
to mouth...
%
Measure twice, cut once.
%
Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
-- Frederick Crane
%
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
%
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
%
Meeting:
An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
person or department not represented in the room must solve the
problem.
%
meeting, n:
An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
%
MEETINGS:
A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
%
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
-- Dave Barry
%
MEMO:
An interoffice communication too often written more for
the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
who receives it.
%
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
drive and drive.
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Memory fault -- brain fried
%
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
%
Memory fault - where am I?
%
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
%
Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
-- Marilyn Monroe
%
Men are superior to women.
-- The Koran
%
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
-- Jayne Mansfield
%
Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
They're attracted by what I don't mind...
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
-- Julius Caesar
%
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
rights as women have of their wrongs.
-- E.W. Howe
%
Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
%
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
%
Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
-- Winston Churchill
%
Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
-- Leonardo da Vinci
%
Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
%
Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
%
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
and acts that are contrary to habit...
-- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
%
Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
-- DeSegur
%
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
%
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
%
Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
%
Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
-- Voltaire
%
Men who cherish for women the highest
respect are seldom popular with them.
-- Joseph Addison
%
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
The quality of a champagne is judged by the
amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
can ever hope to acquire it.
%
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
%
Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
-- Piers Anthony
%
Mental things which have not gone in through the
senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
-- Leonardo
%
MENU:
A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
%
Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
%
Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
%
METEOROLOGIST:
One who doubts the established fact that it is
bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
%
Metermaids eat their young.
%
MICRO:
Thinker toys.
%
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
%
Microwaves frizz your heir.
%
Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
%
Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
%
Miller's Slogan:
Lose a few, lose a few.
%
millihelen, adj:
The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
%
"Mind if I smoke?"
"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
%
"Mind if I smoke?"
"Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
%
Mind your own business, Spock.
I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
%
Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
%
Minicomputer:
A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
manager.
%
Minnesota --
home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
mosquito supplier to the free world.
come fall in love with a loon.
where visitors turn blue with envy.
one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
where the elite meet sleet.
glove it or leave it.
many are cold, but few are frozen.
land of the ski and home of the crazed.
land of 10,000 Petersons.
%
MIPS:
Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
%
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
-- Jean Cocteau
%
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
%
Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
%
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
%
Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
%
MIT:
The Georgia Tech of the North
%
mittsquinter, adj:
A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
-- Horace
%
mixed emotions:
Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
With five empty seats.
%
Mix's Law:
There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
%
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
%
Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
-- P.J. Denning
%
modem, adj:
Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
%
Moderation in all things.
-- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
%
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
themselves that they have a better idea.
-- John Ciardi
%
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
-- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
Theory", 1949
%
MODESTY:
Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
%
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
-- J.K. Galbraith
%
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
not to be aware of it.
-- Oliver Herford
%
Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
Moe: So?
Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
%
Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
%
Moebius always does it on the same side.
%
Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
"Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
%
MOMENTUM:
What you give a person when they are going away.
%
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
%
Mom's Law:
When they finally do have to take you to the
hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
%
MONDAY:
In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
things we have.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
%
Money cannot buy
The fuel of love
but is excellent kindling.
To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
Is a keen observer of life,
The word intellectual suggests right away
A man who's untrue to his wife.
-- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
%
Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
-- C.B. Luce
%
Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
-- Christopher Marlowe
%
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
-- Bob Dylan
%
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Money is its own reward.
%
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
-- Sir Edmond Stockdale
%
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
%
Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
puts you in a great bargaining position.
%
Money will say more in one moment than
the most eloquent lover can in years.
%
Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
-- Andries van Dam
%
Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
-- H.H. Munro
%
MONOTONY:
Marriage to one woman at a time.
%
MONTANA:
A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
%
MONTANA:
Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
%
Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
-- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
%
Moore's Constant:
Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
%
More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
-- Vauvenargues
%
More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
-- R.S. Surtees
%
More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
%
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
%
Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
just once?"
The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
I just want to win one little lottery."
"As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
%
Morton's Law:
If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
%
Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
%
MOSQUITO:
The state bird of New Jersey.
%
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
%
Most folks they like the daytime,
'cause they like to see the shining sun.
They're up in the morning,
off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
But when the sun goes down,
and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
Now there are two sides to this great big world,
and one of them is always night.
If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
I guess you're gonna be all right.
Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
My eyes just can't stand the light.
'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
-- Carly Simon
%
Most general statements are false, including this one.
-- Alexander Dumas
%
Most of our lives are about proving something,
either to ourselves or to someone else.
%
Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
difficulties before we get to them.
-- Dr. Frank Crane
%
...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
-- Alix Kates Shulman
%
Most of your faults are not your fault.
%
Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
%
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
moon.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
%
Most people deserve each other.
-- Shirley
%
Most people don't need a great deal of love
nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
%
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
-- E.W. Howe
%
Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
%
Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
-- W.S. Maugham
%
Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
%
Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
a good reason, and the real reason.
%
Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
-- Susan Sontag
%
Most people need some of their problems
to help take their mind off some of the others.
%
Most people prefer certainty to truth.
%
Most people want either less corruption
or more of a chance to participate in it.
%
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
%
Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
%
Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
%
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
can't talk for people who can't read.
-- Frank Zappa
%
Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
%
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
-- Richard Lewis
%
MOTHER:
Half a word.
%
Mother Earth is not flat!
%
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that
there would be so many.
%
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
would be so many.
%
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
don't want them to become politicians in the process.
-- John F. Kennedy
%
Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
-- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
%
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
%
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
%
Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
of the day.
%
Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
shirts but they're going back.
%
Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
%
Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
%
Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
lessons or what?
%
Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
wrong, "Up to a point."
"Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
Yokohama isn't it?"
"Up to a point, Lord Copper."
"And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
"Definitely, Lord Copper."
-- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
%
MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
-- Henry Spencer
%
Much of the excitement we get out of our work
is that we don't really know what we are doing.
-- E. Dijkstra
%
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
be shared."
But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
with prawns,
Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
%
Multics is security spelled sideways.
%
MUMMY:
An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
%
Mummy dust to make me old;
To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
A blast of wind to fan my hate;
A thunderbolt to mix it well --
Now begin thy magic spell!
-- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
%
Mummy dust to make me old;
To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
A blast of wind to fan my hate;
A thunderbolt to mix it well --
Now begin thy magic spell!
-- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
%
Mum's the word.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
-- Xaviera Hollander
[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
%
Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
talk about after dinner.
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
%
Murphy was an optimist.
%
Murphy's Laws:
(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
%
Murray's Rule:
Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
%
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
-- Lao Tsu
%
Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
%
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
And you know two heads are better than one.
%
My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
%
My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
The height of its contents to see!
She lit a small match to assist her,
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
%
My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
a bulls-eye on the back.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
said, "So will you."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
My brain is my second favorite organ.
-- Woody Allen
%
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
-- Steven Wright
%
My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
decimal points for the sake of precision.
Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
over.
Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
%
My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
drunk or sober."
-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
%
"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
sober."
-- G.K. Chesterton
%
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
%
My darling wife was always glum.
I drowned her in a cask of rum,
And so made sure that she would stay
In better spirits night and day.
%
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
-- Orson Welles
%
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there
are three other people.
-- Orson Welles
%
My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
%
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
is going on.
-- J.F. Kennedy
%
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
-- Iphicrates
%
My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
-- Erich Maria Remarque
%
My father taught me three things:
1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
%
My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
-- E.B. White
%
My father was a saint, I'm not.
-- Indira Gandhi
%
My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
-- Senator Hubert Humphrey
%
My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
"I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
%
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
but they were there to meet the boat.
%
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
-- Stephen Wright
%
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
but always, always, he was right.
%
My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
back and dig her up.
%
"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
%
My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
%
My, how you've changed since I've changed.
%
My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
%
My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
%
My interest is in the future because I am
going to spend the rest of my life there.
%
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
And I wish he were in Asia.
-- Dorothy Parker, part 2
%
My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
-- Dorothy Parker, part 3
%
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
My mind can never know my body, although
it has become quite friendly with my legs.
-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
%
My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
-- Crazy Jimmy
%
My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
%
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
-- Sue Murphy
%
My My, hey hey
Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
And into the black
-- Neil Young
"My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
%
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
%
My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
%
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
-- O. Wilde
%
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
And I wish I'd never met him.
-- Dorothy Parker, part 1
%
My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
-- James A. Michener
%
My parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
%
My philosophy is: Don't think.
-- Charles Manson
%
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
-- Errol Flynn
Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
-- Errol Flynn
%
My rackets are run on strictly American
lines, and they're going to stay that way.
-- A. Capone
%
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
-- Albert Einstein
%
My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
-- Dave Barry
%
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
reason to limit myself.
-- Emo Philips
%
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells by the seashore.
%
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
I do not like me anymore,
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
I ponder on the narrow house
I shudder at the thought of men
I'm due to fall in love again.
-- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
%
My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
-- George Gobel
%
My way of joking is to tell the truth.
That's the funniest joke in the world.
-- Muhammad Ali
%
Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
-- Booth Tarkington
%
Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
"So, how's your daughter?"
"Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
"Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
"Yes, that's my Rachel."
"That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
the doctor?"
"Yes, that's her!"
"But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
%
Nachman's Rule:
When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
-- Gerald Nachman
%
Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
-- '76 Olympics
%
'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
Never odd or even.
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
Madam, I'm Adam.
Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
-- The Mad Palindromist
%
narcolepulacyi, n:
The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
to also yawn.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
%
Natural laws have no pity.
%
Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
in every country.
-- Hermann Goering
%
Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
-- Clare Booth Luce
%
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
%
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
given them little.
-- Dr. Samuel Johnson
%
Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
tolerated until they acquire some sense.
-- William Phelps
%
Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
As on the land while here the ocean gains,
In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
The solid power of understanding fails;
Where beams of warm imagination play,
The memory's soft figures melt away.
-- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
%
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
-- Francis Bacon
%
Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
On the Rue des Ecoles
lived an old man
with a blind dog
Every evening I would see him
guiding the dog along
the sidewalk, keeping
a firm grip on the leash
so that the dog wouldn't
run into a passerby
Sometimes the dog would stop
and look up at the sky
Once the old man
noticed me watching the dog
and he said, "Oh, yes,
this one knows
when the moon is out,
he can feel it on his face"
-- Barry Gifford
%
Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
-- Brent Welch
%
Necessity has no law.
-- St. Augustine
%
Necessity hath no law.
-- Oliver Cromwell
%
"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
-- William Pitt, 1783
%
Needs are a function of what other people have.
%
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
%
Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
-- Napoleon
%
Neil Armstrong tripped.
%
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
%
Nemo me impune lacessit
[No one provokes me with impunity]
-- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
%
nerd pack, n:
Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
in his pack.
%
Neuroses are red,
Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
What are you?
%
Neurotics build castles in the sky,
Psychotics live in them,
And psychiatrists collect the rent.
%
Neutrinos are into physicists.
%
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
%
neutron bomb, n:
An explosive device of limited military value because, as
it only destroys people without destroying property, it
must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
%
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
-- Linda Festa
%
Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
%
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
%
Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
%
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
%
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss
the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
%
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
-- Anonymous
%
Never buy from a rich salesman.
-- Goldenstern
%
Never buy what you do not want
because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
%
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
%
Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
%
Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
%
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
%
Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
%
Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
%
Never explain. Your friends do not need it
and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
-- Marlo Thomas
%
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
%
Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
%
Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
%
Never give an inch!
%
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-- Erma Bombeck
%
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
%
Never have children, only grandchildren.
-- Gore Vidal
%
Never have so many understood so little about so much.
-- James Burke
%
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
%
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
-- Billy Rose
%
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
-- Quentin Crisp
%
Never kick a man, unless he's down.
%
Never laugh at live dragons.
-- Bilbo Baggins
%
Never leave anything to chance;
make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
%
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
%
Never let someone who says it cannot be done
interrupt the person who is doing it.
%
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
-- Saint Jerome
%
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
%
Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
%
Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
%
Never promise more than you can perform.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
-- D. Gries
%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
%
Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
unprotected.
-- Robert Orben
%
Never reveal your best argument.
%
Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
%
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
%
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
-- Nelson Algren
%
Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
that subject.
-- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
%
NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
%
Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
-- Lenny Bruce
%
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
%
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
-- Steinbach
%
Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
%
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
%
Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
-- John Dillinger
%
Never trust an operating system.
%
Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
%
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
%
Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
sex to a virgin.
-- Robert Heinlein
(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
%
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
%
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
%
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
%
Never volunteer for anything.
-- Lackland
%
new, adj:
Different color from previous model.
%
New England Life, of course. Why?
%
New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
%
New members are urgently needed in the Society
for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
%
New release:
Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
%
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
-- David Letterman
%
New York-- to that tall skyline I come
Flyin' in from London to your door
New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
Where they say you should not wander after dark.
New York.
-- Simon and Garfunkel
%
Newman's Discovery:
Your best dreams may not come true;
fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
%
Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
print the chaff.
-- Adlai Stevenson
%
news: gotcha
%
NEWSFLASH!!
Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
It was. Age 31.
%
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
%
Nice guys don't finish nice.
%
Nice guys finish last.
-- Leo Durocher
%
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
-- Evan Davis
%
Nice guys get sick.
%
Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
%
Nietzsche is pietzsche.
%
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
%
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
%
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
-- Henry Kissinger
%
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
-- Augustine
%
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
that much.
-- Augustine
%
Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
that be and their friends hang out.
-- Zonker Harris
%
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
-- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
%
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
-- Aesop
%
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
%
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
%
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
-- William Blake
%
no brainer:
A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
%
No character, however upright, is a match for
constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
-- Alexander Hamilton
%
No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
-- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
No directory.
%
No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
lectures which are really worth the attending.
-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
%
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
on the grounds that it was human nature.
%
No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
-- Dr. Who
%
No evil can happen to a good man.
-- Plato
%
No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
-- Aristotle
%
No extensible language will be universal.
-- T. Cheatham
%
No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
-- Landor
%
No group of professionals meets except to
conspire against the public at large.
-- Mark Twain
%
No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
he will not become a nuisance after three days.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
No guts, no glory.
%
No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
until three software guys have signed off for it.
-- Andy Tanenbaum
%
No, his mind is not for rent
To any god or government.
Always hopeful, yet discontent,
He knows changes aren't permanent -
But change is.
%
No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
%
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
No, I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
%
No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
and Telegraph Company.
-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
machine, 1943.
%
No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
-- Sidney
%
"No job too big; no fee too big!"
-- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
%
No line available at 300 baud.
%
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
%
no maintenance:
Impossible to fix.
%
No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
interest in hair restorers.
-- Austin O'Malley
%
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
-- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
%
No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
%
No man is useless who has a friend,
and if we are loved we are indispensable.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
-- E.W. Howe
%
No man's ambition has a right to stand in
the way of performing a simple act of justice.
-- John Altgeld
%
No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
-- Lenin, 1918
%
No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
in the afternoons.
-- Salvador Dali
%
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
%
No matter how much you do you never do enough.
%
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
signs of improvement.
-- Florida Scott-Maxwell
%
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
%
No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
%
No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
%
No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
-- Mr. Dooley
%
No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
-- Arthur Binstead
%
No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
-- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
%
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
%
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
%
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
dirty little beast.
-- W.S. Gilbert
%
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
%
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
%
No one knows like a woman how to say
things that are at once gentle and deep.
-- Hugo
%
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
-- Quintus Ennius
%
No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
one who's giving it.
-- Hal Chadwick
%
NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
-- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
%
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
For this isn't really the norm.
But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
So what? Any pork in a storm.
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
Cast even more perils before swine.
%
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
(refrain)
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
(refrain)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
(refrain)
Refrain:
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
%
No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
their wish has been granted.
-- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
%
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
%
"No program is perfect,"
They said with a shrug.
"The customer's happy--
What's one little bug?"
But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
The others went home. As year followed year.
He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
Night passed into morning. He died at the console
The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
"Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
-- The Perfect Programmer
%
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
%
No rock so hard but that a little wave
May beat admission in a thousand years.
-- Tennyson
%
No self-made man ever did such a good job
that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
-- Kim Hubbard
%
No skis take rocks like rental skis!
%
No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
for that purpose to keep awake all day.
-- Nietzsche
%
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
%
No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
Finished his old Raven,
then he started his Old Crow.
%
No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
-- Quintus Ennius
%
No spitting on the Bus!
Thank you, The Management.
%
No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
-- Richard Nixon
%
No two persons ever read the same book.
-- Edmund Wilson
%
No use getting too involved in life --
you're only here for a limited time.
%
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
-- Sherlock Holmes
%
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
-- Margaret H. Sanger
%
No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
him than he deserves.
-- Edgar Watson Howe
%
No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
%
No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
%
No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
%
Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
-- Richard Harter
%
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
%
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
-- Kin Hubbard
%
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
%
Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
-- Liv Ullman
%
Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
%
Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
-- Roy Harper
%
Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
I think I'll go out and eat worms.
I'm gonna cut their heads off,
Eat their insides out,
And throw way the skins.
Big, fat, juicy ones,
Little, skinny, cute ones,
Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
%
Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
And then it's too late.
%
Nobody shot me.
-- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
Valentine's Day Massacre.
Only Capone kills like that.
-- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
-- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
%
Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our
your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
different.
-- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
O'Brien, instructions to the force.
%
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
coming in late and lying about it.
%
nohup rm -fr /&
%
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
-- Mark Twain
%
nolo contendere:
A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
it again."
%
nominal egg:
New Yorkerese for expensive.
%
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
-- M.J. 0'Donnell
%
None love the bearer of bad news.
-- Sophocles
%
None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
%
Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
-- Heisenberg
%
Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
-- E.M. Forster
%
No one ever built a statue to a critic.
%
No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
intentions. He had money as well.
-- Margaret Thatcher
%
Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
-- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
-- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
Coach: How's life, Norm?
Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
-- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
%
Norm: Hey, everybody.
All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
Norm! (Norman.)
How are you feeling today, Norm?
Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
Film at eleven.
-- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
-- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
%
[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
-- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
Coach: What's up, Normie?
Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
-- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm: Going down?
-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
%
[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
Off-screen crowd: Norm!
Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
-- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Elope with my wife.
-- Cheers, The Triangle
Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
-- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
%
[Norm is angry.]
Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
-- Cheers, The Triangle
Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
-- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
-- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
%
[Norm returns from the hospital.]
Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
Sam: What's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
They're demanding beer.
-- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
-- Cheers, King of the Hill
%
[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
All: Anton!
-- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
-- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
-- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
%
Normal times may possibly be over forever.
%
Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
their courses.
-- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
%
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
%
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
%
Not all men who drink are poets.
Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
%
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
-- Marcus Terentius Varro
%
Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
%
Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
the capitalist mode of production.
-- Herbert Marcuse
%
Not every question deserves an answer.
%
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
%
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
-- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
%
Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
-- Rob Pike
%
Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
-- Spinoza
%
NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
and/or frogs falling from the sky.
%
Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
%
Nothing can be done in one trip.
-- Snider
%
Nothing endures but change.
-- Heraclitus
[Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
%
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
-- John Keats
%
Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
-- Winston Churchill
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
satisfying as an income tax refund.
-- F.J. Raymond
%
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
%
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
%
Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
Or as finished as it seems in the end.
%
Nothing is but what is not.
%
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
%
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
%
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
-- A.H. Weiler
%
Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
%
Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
-- Michel de Montaigne
%
Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
-- Ebner-Eschenbach
%
Nothing lasts forever.
Where do I find nothing?
%
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
%
Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
-- Arthur Balfour
%
Nothing motivates a man more than to
see his boss put in an honest day's work.
%
Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
which can be offered to a personality.
-- Soren Kierkegaard
%
Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
-- Quentin Crisp
%
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
-- Mark Twain
%
Nothing succeeds like excess.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Nothing succeeds like success.
-- Alexandre Dumas
%
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
-- Christopher Lascl
%
Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
She got from trying to fight
Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
[...]
Well nothing that's real is ever for free
And you just have to pay for it sometime.
She said it before, she said it to me,
I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
But the same old four imaginary walls
She'd built for livin' inside
I said oh, you just can't mean it.
[...]
Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
The veil that covered her eyes,
I said oh, you can leave it.
-- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
%
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
-- Kim Hubbard
%
Nothing will ever be attempted
if all possible objections must be first overcome.
-- Dr. Johnson
%
NOTICE:
Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
be summarily put out.
%
NOTICE:
-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
%
Nouvelle cuisine, n:
French for "not enough food".
Continental breakfast, n:
English for "not enough food".
Tapas, n:
Spanish for "not enough food".
Dim Sum, n:
Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
%
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
When comes the revolution, things will be different --
not better, just different.
%
Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
%
Now I lay me back to sleep.
The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
If he should stop before I wake,
Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
-- Anonymous
%
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
%
Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
And if I fail to learn this junk,
I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
But if I do, don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones in the study hall.
Tell my teacher I've done my best,
Then pile my books upon my chest.
%
Now is the time for drinking;
now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Now it's time to say goodbye
To all our company...
M-I-C (see you next week!)
K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
M-O-U-S-E.
%
Now of my threescore years and ten,
Twenty will not come again,
And take from seventy springs a score,
It leaves me only fifty more.
And since to look at things in bloom
Fifty springs are little room,
About the woodlands I will go
To see the cherry hung with snow.
-- A.E. Housman
%
Now that day wearies me,
My yearning desire
Will receive more kindly,
Like a tired child, the starry night.
Hands, leave off your deeds,
Mind, forget all thoughts;
All of my forces
Yearn only to sink into sleep.
And my soul, unguarded,
Would soar on widespread wings,
To live in night's magical sphere
More profoundly, more variously.
-- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
%
Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
-- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
%
Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
-- Casey Stengel
%
Nowlan's Theory:
He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
the next freeway exit.
%
Now's the time to have some big ideas
Now's the time to make some firm decisions
We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
Talking politics and nuclear fission
We see him and he's all washed up --
Moving on into the body of a beetle
Getting ready for a long long crawl
He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
Death and Money make their point once more
In the shape of Philosophical assassins
Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
Deadly angels for reality and passion
Have the courage of the here and now
Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
When you think you got it paid in full
You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
We know his name and he mustn't get away.
We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
-- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
%
Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
Times, June 10, 1955.
%
Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
%
Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
%
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
-- Seneca
%
Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
%
Nusbaum's Rule:
The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
%
O! If I were a fish
I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
Yes, that's my one and only wish --
To be a fish!
For fish don't ever mish;
They needn't flush after they pish!
Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
For all the fish!!!
%
O imitators, you slavish herd!
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
%
O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
%
O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
Might we not smash it to bits
And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
-- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
%
Oatmeal raisin.
%
Objects are lost only because people
look where they are not rather than where they are.
%
O'Brian's Law:
Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
%
O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
"How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
"Four."
"And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
then how many?"
"Four."
The word ended in a gasp of pain.
-- George Orwell
%
Observe yon plumed biped fine.
To activate its captivation,
Deposit on its termination,
A quantity of particles saline.
%
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
%
"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
of the grandstands.
%
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
%
OCCAM'S ERASER:
The philosophical principle that even the simplest
solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
%
OCCIDENT:
The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
are the principal industries of the Orient.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
OCEAN:
A body of water occupying about two-thirds
of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
%
Odets, where is thy sting?
-- George S. Kaufman
%
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
%
Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
to know so much and have control over nothing.
-- Herodotus
%
Of all things man is the measure.
-- Protagoras
%
Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
husband and wife.
%
Of course it's possible to love a human being
if you don't know them too well.
-- Charles Bukowski
%
Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
-- Crazy Nigel
%
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
%
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
%
Official Project Stages:
1. Uncritical Acceptance
2. Wild Enthusiasm
3. Dejected Disillusionment
4. Total Confusion
5. Search for the Guilty
6. Punishment of the Innocent
7. Promotion of the Non-participants
%
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
%
Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
%
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
%
Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
-- Pink Floyd
%
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
%
Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
%
Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
see if I don't.
-- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
%
Oh, give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
%
Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
Where the three-body problem is solved,
Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
And living up here is a bore.
Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
Where the space debris always collects,
We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
Solar power and zero-gee sex.
-- to Home on the Range
%
Oh give me your pity!
I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
Which means that from morning And contend and defend
to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur,
We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose,
We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve;
But we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us
To bring our committee
To end like this ditty,
Which stops with a period, thus.
-- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
%
"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
%
Oh, I am just a typical American boy
From a typical American town.
I believe in God and Senator Dodd
And keeping old Castro down.
And when it came my time to serve
I knew better dead than red,
But when I got to my old draft board,
Buddy this is what I said:
Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen
And I always carry a purse;
I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat
And my asthma's getting worse.
Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear
And my poor old invalid aunt;
Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school
And I'm working in a defense plant.
-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
%
Oh, I could while away the hours,
Smoking herbs and flowers,
Shooting up my veins,
De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
If I dealt in good cocaine.
-- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
%
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
-- Lichty & Wagner
%
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
%
Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
arch-enemy -- and that is life.
-- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
%
Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
it's what you do with what you have left.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey
%
Oh, so there you are!
%
Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
-- The Smothers Brothers
%
Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%
Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
Born under one law, to another bound.
-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
%
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
-- Shakespeare
%
Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
%
Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
%
Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
-- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
%
O.K., fine.
%
Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
the code over again, since I also removed the source.
%
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
%
Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
-- B. Baruch
%
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
-- Bion
%
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
-- Trotsky
%
Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
%
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
%
Old Japanese proverb:
There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
and those who climb it twice.
%
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
%
Old mail has arrived.
%
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
%
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare
And so was her daughter, I guess...
%
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
%
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
%
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
%
Old timer, n:
One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
%
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
%
On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
-- P. Denning
%
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
-- Wolfgang Pauli
%
On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
[One is always a little afraid of love, but
above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
%
On ability:
A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
%
On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
"Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
you come any closer."
"But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
explained.
"OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
decapitation."
The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
"That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
taller."
%
On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
same moment -- halftime.
%
On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
%
On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
%
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
-- W.C. Fields' epitaph
%
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Once, adv.: Enough.
%
Once again dread deed is done.
Canon sleeps,
his all-knowing eye shaded
to human chance and circumstance.
Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
but Canon's sleep is troubled.
Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
Impatient hands wait eagerly
to grasp, to hold
scant moments of time
wrested from life in the full
glory of Canon's power;
held captive by his unblinking eye.
Three golden orbs stand watch;
one each to toll the day, hour, minute
until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
When that feared moment arrives,
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee."
-- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
Valley Pawn Shop today"
%
Once Again From the Top
Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
The Herald regrets the errors."
-- "The Progressive", March, 1987
%
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
...
Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers
have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
that ought to shut them up.
-- Dave Barry
%
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
-- Homer
%
Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
the railroad yards."
-- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
%
Once I finally figured out all of life's
answers, they changed the questions.
%
Once, I read that a man be never stronger
than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
%
Once is happenstance,
Twice is coincidence,
Three times is enemy action.
-- Auric Goldfinger
%
Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
%
Once Law was sitting on the bench
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."
Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
%
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
-- H.R. Haldeman
%
Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
When the day is done and the moon comes out,
And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
%
Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
%
Once upon a time there...
%
Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
possession. And the moral of the story is:
The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
hit you.
%
Once upon this midnight incoherent,
While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
Over many a broken and subordinate
Volume of gnarly lore,
While I pestered, nearly singing,
Sudddenly there came a hewing,
As of someone profusely skulking,
Skulking at my chamber door.
%
Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
%
Once you've tried to change the world you find
it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
%
"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
%
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
%
One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
%
One Bell System - it works.
%
One big pile is better than two little piles.
-- Arlo Guthrie
%
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
-- Helen Keller
%
One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
-- J. Gustav White
%
One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
just stupid.
-- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
%
One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
"Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
"Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
and march back home."
"But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
"I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
"OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
to Poland three times and never invade?"
The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
%
One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
just jumped out with my knapsack."
%
One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
there a number of details to be figured out.
After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
track."
At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
harmonic motion..."
%
One day,
A mad meta-poet,
With nothing to say,
Wrote a mad meta-poem
That started: "One day,
A mad meta-poet,
With nothing to say,
Wrote a mad meta-poem
That started: "One day,
[...]
sort of close".
Were the words that the poet,
Finally chose,
To bring his mad poem,
To some sort of close".
Were the words that the poet,
Finally chose,
To bring his mad poem,
To some sort of close".
%
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
-- Larry Gelbart
%
One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
been havin' all these years."
Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
%
One expresses well the love he does not feel.
-- J.A. Karr
%
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
%
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
-- George Herbert
%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
a rivalry of aim.
-- Henry Brook Adams
%
One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
%
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
%
One good thing about music,
Well, it helps you feel no pain.
So hit me with music;
Hit me with music now.
-- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
%
One good turn asketh another.
-- John Heywood
%
One good turn deserves another.
-- Gaius Petronius
%
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
%
One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
and end up with the atomic bomb.
-- Marcel Pagnol
%
One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
-- Confucius
%
One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
-- Gustave Droz
%
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
%
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
%
One man's constant is another man's variable.
-- A.J. Perlis
%
One man's folly is another man's wife.
-- Helen Rowland
%
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
%
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
-- George M. Cohan
%
One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
-- Clifton Fadiman
%
One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
%
One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
without laughing.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
%
One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
%
One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
mathematics.
-- N. Wiener
%
One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
enough to give you presents they make at school.
-- Robert Byrne
%
One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
-- Joyce Carol Oates
%
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
-- Joe Martin
%
One of the most striking differences between a
cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
-- Mark Twain
%
One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
need no answer.
-- George Gordon, Lord Byron
%
One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
once had a publisher shot.
-- Siegfried Unseld
%
One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
%
One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
-- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
%
One organism, one vote.
%
One person's error is another person's data.
%
One picture is worth 128K words.
%
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
-- Chinese proverb
%
One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
Go ask Alice Call Alice
When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
mushroom backwards
And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
I think she'll know. Feed your head.
Feed your head.
Feed your head.
-- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
%
One planet is all you get.
%
One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
is that there never was a plan in the first place.
%
One possible reason why things aren't going
according to plan is that there never was a plan.
%
One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
-- Ronald Reagan
%
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
Doesn't fit anyone.
%
One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
%
One thing about the past.
It's likely to last.
-- Ogden Nash
%
ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
late.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
%
One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
going to be out that long."
-- Steven Wright
%
One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
One toke over the line,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
Waitin' for the train that goes home,
Hopin' that the train is on time,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
%
One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
because they bite.
-- Vladimir Lenin
%
On-line:
The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
%
Only a fool has no doubts.
%
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
-- Laurence Peter
%
Only fools are quoted.
-- Anonymous
%
Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
-- Oscar Wilde
Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
-- The Unnamed Usenetter
%
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
-- Alex Levine
[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
%
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
to use the editorial "we".
%
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
%
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
-- Baba Ram Dass
%
Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
-- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
%
Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
-- Hannah Arendt
%
Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
-- Lao Tsu
%
Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
%
Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
-- Sicilian police officer
%
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
%
Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
%
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
%
Onward through the fog.
%
Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
%
Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
-- Debbie VanDam
%
Opium is very cheap considering you don't
feel like eating for the next six days.
-- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
%
Oppernockity tunes but once.
%
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
work, so most people don't recognize them.
%
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
%
Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
%
Optimism, n:
The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
%
OPTIMIST:
A proponent of the belief that black is white.
A pessimist asked God for relief.
"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
would justify them."
"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
something -- the mortality of the optimist."
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
OPTIMIST:
Someone who goes down to the marriage
bureau to see if his license has expired.
%
optimist, n:
A bagpiper with a beeper.
%
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
-- J. Wellington Wells
%
Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
-- Germaine Greer
%
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
%
Order and simplification are the first steps toward
mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
-- Thomas Mann
%
OREGON:
Eighty billion gallons of water with
no place to go on Saturday night.
%
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
Cleanliness is next to impossible
%
Oreo
%
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
to people you could not have possibly met.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
%
Other women cloy
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
Where most she satisfies.
-- Antony and Cleopatra
%
Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
%
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
Murphy was an optimist.
%
Ouch! That felt good!
-- Karen Gordon
%
"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
%
Our business in life is not to succeed
but to continue to fail in high spirits.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
home-made, hand-held model.
Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
to the Pentagon free of charge:
a. Don't kill anybody.
b. Don't build things that do.
c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
-- Sojourners
%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
%
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
to have been quite real.
-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
%
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
%
Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
%
Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be;
They are but broken lights of thee.
-- Tennyson
%
Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
rain, we were punished.
-- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
%
Our problems are so serious that the best
way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
%
Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
We their sons are more worthless than they:
so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Our swords shall play the orators for us.
-- Christopher Marlowe
%
Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whiz;
As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
-- Monty Python
%
Ours is a world where people don't know what they
want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
%
Out of sight is out of mind.
-- Arthur Clough
%
Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
-- Immanuel Kant
%
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
%
Over the shoulder supervision is more a
need of the manager than the programming task.
%
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
system.
-- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
%
Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
move?'
-- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
%
Overheard:
"How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
%
Owe no man any thing...
-- Romans 13:8
%
Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
always fatal.
However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
in question.
Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
too late.
-- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
%
paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
or as a vegetable.
troopa, n: A state policeman.
Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
%
PAIN:
Falling out of a twenty story building,
and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
%
PAIN:
One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
%
PAIN:
Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
%
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
%
Pandora's Rule:
Never open a box you didn't close.
%
panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
%
Paprika Measure:
2 dashes == 1smidgen
2 smidgens == 1 pinch
3 pinches == 1 soupcon
2 soupcons == too much paprika
%
Paralysis through analysis.
%
PARANOIA:
A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
%
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
%
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
%
Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
Now ... just try to find out where!
%
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-- D.J. Hicks
%
Pardon me while I laugh.
%
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
didn't have much of anything to do with it.
%
Parsley is gharsley.
-- Ogden Nash
%
PARTY:
A gathering where you meet people who drink
so much you can't even remember their names.
%
Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
%
Pascal Users:
The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
Please modify your programs accordingly.
%
Password:
%
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
%
Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
CREEPING things...
Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
can get in.
A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
CATERPILLARS!
[...]
P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
par for the course, Charlie.
-- Firesign Theatre
%
Patch griefs with proverbs.
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
%
patent:
A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
%
"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
(crosses stream)
"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
-- Eeyore
%
Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
%
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce
When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
-- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-- Boies Penrose
%
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
-- Gauss
%
Pause for storage relocation.
%
paycheck:
The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
%
Payeen to a Twang
Derrida
Ore-Ida
potato.
If you dared,
I'd ask you
to go dig
up your ides under brown-
tubered skies.
where pitchforked
you will ask
Derrida?
%
Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
%
Peace cannot be kept by force; it
can only be achieved by understanding.
-- A. Einstein
%
Peace is much more precious than a piece
of land... let there be no more wars.
-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
%
pediddel:
A car with only one working headlight.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
What is it?"
"I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
to Sax.'"
-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
%
Peeping Tom:
A window fan.
%
Peers's Law:
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
%
Pelorat sighed.
"I will never understand people."
"There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
-- no offense intended."
-- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
%
PENGUINICITY!!
%
pension:
A federally insured chain letter.
%
People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
People are always available for work in the past tense.
%
People are beginning to notice you.
Try dressing before you leave the house.
%
People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
%
People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
%
People don't change; they only become more so.
%
People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times,
four times...
%
People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
times, four time, five times...
%
People in general do not willingly read
if they have anything else to amuse them.
-- S. Johnson
%
People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
election.
-- Otto Von Bismarck
%
People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
People respond to people who respond.
%
People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
*know* me there!
-- D.L. Roth
%
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
have been left out on the pleasure.
-- Russell Baker
%
People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
the concentration camps.
%
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
%
People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
it too.
%
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
-- Abigail Van Buren
%
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
%
People who have no faults are terrible;
there is no way of taking advantage of them.
%
People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
%
People who push both buttons should get their wish.
%
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
%
People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
cold baths.
%
People who think they know everything
greatly annoy those of us who do.
%
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
%
People's Action Rules:
(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
(2) Some people who should, won't.
(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
%
Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
-- R.W. Hamming
%
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
or
[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
-- Aelius Donatus
%
perfect guest:
One who makes his host feel at home.
%
Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything
to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
Performance:
A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
%
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
-- Thomas Macaulay
%
Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
%
Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
%
Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
being a bore.
-- Cecil Beaton
%
Perilous to all of us are the devices of
an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
-- Gandalf the Grey
%
Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
developments."
-- Fowler's English Usage
%
Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
a merit in political leaders.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
%
Personifiers of the world, unite!
You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
-- Bernadette Bosky
%
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
%
pessimist:
A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
wolf from the door.
optimist:
A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
his pants.
opportunist:
A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
%
Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
Waiter: Who told you?
Pete: A little swallow.
%
Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the
mountains will look after themselves.
Peter's Principle of Success:
Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
Peter's Principle:
In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
his incompetence.
%
Peterson's Admonition:
When you think you're going down for the third time --
just remember that you may have counted wrong.
%
Peterson's Rules:
(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
are filled with something sticky.
(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
%
petribar:
Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
the window of a vending machine too long.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Phasers locked on target, Captain.
%
philosophy:
The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
%
philosophy:
Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
%
Phone call for chucky-pooh.
%
phosflink:
To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
will bring it back to life).
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Photographing a volcano is just about
the most miserable thing you can do.
-- Robert B. Goodman
[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
%
Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
%
Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
She left me not knowing what to do.
Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
With knowing I got no one left to blame.
Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
-- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
%
Pickle's Law:
If Congress must do a painful thing,
the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
%
Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
Not one damn thing do we solve.
-- 1776
%
Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
%
Piece of cake!
-- G.S. Koblas
%
Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
ruthless in punishing little thieves.
-- Diogenes
%
Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
-- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
%
Piping down the valleys wild,
Piping songs of pleasant glee,
On a cloud I saw a child,
And he laughing said to me:
"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
So I piped with merry cheer.
"Piper, pipe that song again;"
So I piped: he wept to hear.
-- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
%
Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
-- Love and Rockets
%
PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
a car.
%
pixel, n:
A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
%
P-K4
%
Plagiarize, plagiarize,
Let no man's work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
Don't shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
Only be sure to call it research.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
Planet Claire has pink hair.
All the trees are red.
No one ever dies there.
No one has a head....
%
Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
-- Green Lantern Comics
%
Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
couldn't compete successfully with poets.
-- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell"
%
PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
What develops when two people get
tired of making love to each other.
%
Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
%
Please don't put a strain on our friendship
by asking me to do something for you.
%
Please don't recommend me to your friends--
it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
%
PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
%
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
%
Please go away.
%
Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
%
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
%
Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
%
Please remain calm, it's no use both of
us being hysterical at the same time.
%
Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
O Canada
Our home and native land
True patriot love
In all thy sons' command
With glowing hearts we see thee rise
The true north strong and free
From far and wide, O Canada
We stand on guard for thee
God keep our land glorious and free
O Canada we stand on guard for thee
O Canada we stand on guard for thee
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
%
Please stand for the National Anthem:
Australian's all, let us rejoice,
For we are young and free.
We've golden soil and wealth for toil
Our home is girt by sea.
Our land abounds in nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare.
In history's page, let every stage
Advance Australia Fair.
In joyful strains then let us sing,
Advance Australia Fair.
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
%
Please stand for the National Anthem:
God save our Gracious Queen!
Long live our Noble Queen!
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign o'er us!
God save the Queen!
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
%
Please stand for the National Anthem:
Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
%
Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
an uncontainable experience.
-- R.S. Knapp
%
PLUG IT IN!!!
%
Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
%
poisoned coffee, n:
Grounds for divorce.
%
Poland has gun control.
%
Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
teach children.
-- W.H. Auden
%
Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
%
Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
%
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
been, and never will be wrong.
-- Walter Dwight
%
Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
-- Oscar Ameringer
%
Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
for politics.
-- Albert Camus
%
Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
-- Winston Churchill
%
Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
systematic organisation of hatreds.
-- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
%
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
-- Ronald Reagan
%
Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
explain why it didn't happen.
-- Winston Churchill
%
Politics, like religion, hold up the
torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
-- Amy Gorin
%
politics, n:
A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
The hyperactive child is never absent.
%
POLYGON:
Dead parrot.
%
Poorman's Rule:
When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
pull it open.
%
Populus vult decipi.
[The people like to be deceived.]
%
Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
-- Risky Business
%
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
-- Ryan
%
Post proelium, praemium.
[After the battle, the reward.]
%
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
%
Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
diets that are driving them crazy.
FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
Except with sour cream.
%
Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
general butter-melting by all.
FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
%
POVERTY:
An unfortunate state that persists as long
as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
%
Poverty begins at home.
%
Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
poor people.
-- Don Herold
%
POWER:
The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
%
Power is poison.
%
Power is the finest token of affection.
%
Power, like a desolating pestilence,
Pollutes whate'er it touches...
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley
%
Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
-- Lord Acton
%
PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
%
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
-- Henry Adams
%
Practically perfect people never permit
sentiment to muddle their thinking.
-- Mary Poppins
%
Practice is the best of all instructors.
-- Publilius
%
Practice yourself what you preach.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
PRAIRIES:
Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
%
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
-- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
%
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
-- John Florio
%
pray, n:
To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
-- Russian Proverb
%
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
-- Niels Bohr
%
Prejudice:
A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-- D.E. Knuth
%
Preserve the old, but know the new.
%
Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
%
Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
%
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
%
Price's Advice:
It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
%
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
the working man, he loves to see him work.
-- Winston Churchill
%
[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
-- Winston Churchill
%
Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
For having it off with his Mater;
Revenge Dad or not?
That's the gist of the plot,
And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
-- Stanley J. Sharpless
%
Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
all I know.
-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
%
Priority:
A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
badly than someone else.
%
Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
-- Blake
%
Prizes are for children.
-- Charles Ives,
upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
%
PROBLEM DRINKER:
A man who never buys.
%
Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
-- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
%
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
%
PROGRAM:
Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
"sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
always justifies hiring at least three more people.
%
program, n:
A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
%
Programmers do it bit by bit.
%
Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
-- D.M. Ritchie
%
Programming Department:
Mistakes made while you wait.
%
Programming is an unnatural act.
%
PROGRESS:
Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
invading the body and taking possession of it.
Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
%
Progress is impossible without change, and those who
cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
Progress means replacing a theory that
is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
%
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
-- Ogden Nash
%
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
-- James Thurber
%
Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
%
Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
%
PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
level where they can't foul up operations.
%
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
%
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
-- Darrell Huff
%
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
Prototype designs always work.
-- Don Vonada
%
prototype, n.
First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
prototype is not expected to work.
%
Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
%
Prunes give you a run for your money.
%
Pryor's Observation:
How long you live has nothing to do
with how long you are going to be dead.
%
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
shortcomings.
-- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
%
Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
%
Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
a therapy.
-- Karl Kraus
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
-- C.G. Jung
%
psychologist, n:
Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
into a room.
%
Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
Biologists think they're biochemists.
Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think they're physical chemists.
Physical chemists think they're physicists.
Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
Philosophers think they're gods.
%
Psychology. Mind over matter.
Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
Never mind.
%
Public use of any portable music system is a
virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
-- Zoso
%
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
%
Pudder's Law:
Anything that begins well will end badly.
(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
%
Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
%
PURGE COMPLETE.
%
PURITAN:
Someone who is deathly afraid that
someone, somewhere, is having fun.
%
Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
%
PURPITATION:
To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
don't want it, and then put it in another section.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
%
Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
%
Pushing forty is exercise enough.
%
Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
of Texas.
%
Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
%
Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
-- Mark Twain
%
Put another password in,
Bomb it out, then try again.
Try to get past logging in,
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
Try his first wife's maiden name,
This is more than just a game.
It's real fun, but just the same,
It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
%
Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
%
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
%
Put your best foot forward.
Or just call in and say you're sick.
%
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
%
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
%
Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
%
Q: Are we not men?
A: We are Vaxen.
%
Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
A: He got re-possessed!
%
Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
A: With three more bullets.
%
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
your wife?
A: You have to wait 22 months.
%
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
in a hurricane?
A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
%
Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A: When his lips move.
%
Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
Q: But how did he get back down?
A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
%
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way!
%
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
%
Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
%
Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
%
Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
%
Q: How do you play religious roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
struck by lightning first.
%
Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: Throw him a rock.
%
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue-elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
a blue-elephant gun.
%
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
%
Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A: He changes the domain.
%
Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
A: She asks them for a commitment.
%
Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
%
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
%
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
%
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
those Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
%
Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
A: One more than you can find.
%
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't shut.
Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
%
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The application can work around it.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The user can figure it out.
%
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
%
Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
%
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
%
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
%
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
%
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
%
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
to the earlier joke.
%
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
%
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
witness.
%
Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
%
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
to really want to change.
%
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
[Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
a fight. They consider this it to be a disgrace, though it's
pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
%
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
%
Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
%
Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A: 2 bits.
%
Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A: 9 edge down.
%
Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
and putting wings on an elephant is?
A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
%
Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
bottles into the typewriter.
%
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
sunglasses?
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
%
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
they go down on you.
Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
%
Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A: The very best person they can possibly be.
%
Q: What do monsters eat?
A: Things.
Q: What do monsters drink?
A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
%
Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A: The impossible dream.
%
Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
A: Rule the country.
%
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A: The same middle name.
%
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
%
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
%
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
%
Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
A: A wind tunnel.
%
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
[I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
%
Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
eating fruit, and singing?
A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
%
Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
%
Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
A: A good start.
%
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A: A deep C diva.
%
Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
A. A Christian Science Monitor.
%
Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A: A failure.
%
Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A: A howdah duty.
%
Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
sheep bites you?
A: Ewe nicks.
%
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.
%
Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies!
%
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
%
Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
A: She goes home.
Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her neck warm.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
%
Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
a delicious dessert.
%
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A: Open other end.
%
Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
A: Exploding sheep.
%
Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
A: A dinner party.
%
Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
A: Moby Pickle.
%
Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
A: Feet.
%
Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A: A ball point carrot.
%
Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A: Open other end.
%
Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: A boolean grape.
%
Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.
%
Q: What is purple and concord the world?
A: Alexander the Grape.
%
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
existentialist?"
A: "Is there a dog?"
%
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: One leg is both the same.
%
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
%
Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
A: Her bowling shoes.
%
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
A: I think I'm drunk.
Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
%
Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
A: Mu.
%
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
%
Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
plays like a monkey?
A: Nothing.
%
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
%
Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
%
Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
%
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
%
Q. What's the capital of Canada?
A. American.
%
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
%
Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A: You can't get down off an elephant.
%
Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
%
Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
A: The moustache.
%
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A: One more drunk.
%
Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
%
Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
%
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password.
%
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's Lemon.
%
Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
%
Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A: Lawn Boy.
%
Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
A: Because they're worth it!
%
Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A: Because he was hungry.
%
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
A: More head room.
Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
A: She opens the car door.
%
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He was giving it last rites.
%
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
%
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
%
Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means.
%
Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
%
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A: Because that was her name.
%
Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
A: To get to the middle.
%
Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
%
Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
Oh, right, *of course*!
%
Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
an eye on the two intellectuals.
%
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
%
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
%
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
%
Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
visiting, they always take three.
%
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
gets all the credit.
%
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
%
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: All the blondes have gone home!
Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
%
Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
soup in a plate?
A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
%
Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
%
Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
%
Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
%
Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic had a band.
%
QED.
%
QOTD:
"It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
%
QOTD:
"A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
%
QOTD:
"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
%
QOTD:
All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
%
QOTD:
All I want is more than my fair share.
%
QOTD:
"Dead people are good at running because they don't
have to stop and breathe."
-- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
%
QOTD:
"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
%
QOTD:
"East is east... and let's keep it that way."
%
QOTD:
"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
I go to work."
%
QOTD:
Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
save the earth!
%
QOTD:
"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
%
QOTD:
"Her other car is a broom."
%
QOTD:
"He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
her to cook."
%
QOTD:
"He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
%
QOTD:
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
%
QOTD:
"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
%
QOTD:
"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
%
QOTD:
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
%
QOTD:
"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
%
QOTD:
"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
%
QOTD:
I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
%
QOTD:
"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
%
QOTD:
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
%
QOTD:
I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
ball in their court.
-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
%
QOTD:
"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
didn't work."
%
QOTD:
"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
horse with one of the horns broken off."
%
QOTD:
"I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
%
QOTD:
"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
%
QOTD:
"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
%
QOTD:
"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
the lost."
%
QOTD:
"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
%
QOTD:
"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
%
QOTD:
"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
%
QOTD:
"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
dog for dinner."
%
QOTD:
"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
%
QOTD:
"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
%
QOTD:
"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
%
QOTD:
"If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
%
QOTD:
If it's too loud, you're too old.
%
QOTD:
"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
%
QOTD:
If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
%
QOTD:
"I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
%
QOTD:
"I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
%
QOTD:
I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
%
QOTD:
I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
[I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
%
QOTD:
"I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
%
QOTD:
"I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
%
QOTD:
"In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
%
QOTD:
"It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
stations anymore."
%
QOTD:
"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
hands in his own pockets."
%
QOTD:
"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
%
QOTD:
"It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
%
QOTD:
"It's been Monday all week today."
%
QOTD:
"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
%
QOTD:
"It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
%
QOTD:
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%
QOTD:
"It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
%
QOTD:
"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
strike. To make less money."
%
QOTD:
"I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
all of my stuff."
%
QOTD:
I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
%
QOTD:
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial."
%
QOTD:
"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
%
QOTD:
"Let's do it."
-- Gary Gilmore
%
QOTD:
"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
%
QOTD:
Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
-- Goodstein, States of Matter
%
QOTD:
Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
%
QOTD:
"My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
her husband work."
%
QOTD:
"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
%
QOTD:
My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
%
QOTD:
"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
%
QOTD:
"Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
a fake?"
%
QOTD:
"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
%
QOTD:
"Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
%
QOTD:
"Our parents were never our age."
%
QOTD:
"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
%
QOTD:
"Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
%
QOTD:
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
%
QOTD:
"She's about as smart as bait."
%
QOTD:
Silence is the only virtue he has left.
%
QOTD:
Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
%
QOTD:
"Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
%
QOTD:
Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
I do what I get paid to do.
%
QOTD:
"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
neck to get the dog to play with it."
%
QOTD:
"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
%
QOTD:
The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
the snakes have gone away.
%
QOTD:
"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
%
QOTD:
"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
left."
%
QOTD:
"To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
%
QOTD:
"Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
%
QOTD:
"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
think he was broken!"
%
QOTD:
"What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
when I mess things up."
%
QOTD:
"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
"baring your neck."
%
QOTD:
"Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
%
QOTD:
"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
%
QOTD:
Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
%
QOTD:
"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
How... tribal."
%
QOTD:
"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
%
QOTD:
Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
to late to punish.
%
QOTD:
I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby.
%
QOTD:
I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
%
QOTD:
"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
-- Kathy Ireland
%
QOTD:
"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
%
QOTD:
Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency
on my part.
%
QOTD:
On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
%
QOTD:
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
%
QOTD:
The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
gerbil has more dark meat.
%
Quack!
Quack!! Quack!!
%
Quality control:
Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
%
Quantity is no substitute for quality,
but its the only one we've got.
%
Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
-- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
%
Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
%
QUARK:
The sound made by a well bred duck.
%
Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
%
Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
-- Dennis Miller
%
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Whom do you trust?
%
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
-- Wm. Shakespeare
%
QUESTION AUTHORITY.
(Sez who?)
%
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
%
Questionable day.
Ask somebody something.
%
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
-- Robert Orben
%
Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
%
Qvid me anxivs svm?
%
Radicalism:
The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
-- A. Bierce
%
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
READY
>_
%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%
Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
-- Albert Einstein
%
rain falls where clouds come
sun shines where clouds go
clouds just come and go
-- Florian Gutzwiller
%
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
%
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
%
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
%
Ralph's Observation:
It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
realise that you are in a hurry.
%
RAM wasn't built in a day.
%
Random, n:
as in number, predictable.
as in memory access, unpredictable.
%
Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
%
Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
-- Errol Flynn
%
Reach into the thoughts of friends,
And find they do not know your name.
Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
And watch the feathers burst the seams.
Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
And feel its chill upon your blood.
Hold a candle to the night,
And see the darkness bend the flame.
Tear the mask of peace from God,
And hear the roar of souls in hell.
Pluck a rose in name of love,
And watch the petals curl and wilt.
Lean upon the western wind,
And know you are alone.
-- Dru Mims
%
Reactor error - core dumped!
%
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
%
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
%
Reagan can't act either.
%
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
could they read their mail?
%
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
%
Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they
find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are
still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
%
Real programmers don't document; if it was
hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
%
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechuan food.
%
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
%
Real programs don't eat cache.
%
Real wealth can only increase.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Reality -- what a concept!
-- Robin Williams
%
Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
%
Reality does not exist - yet.
%
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
%
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
-- Lily Tomlin
%
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
%
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
-- Lily Tomlin
%
Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
cannot be fooled.
-- R.P. Feynman
%
Reality must take precedence over public
relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled.
-- R.P. Feynman
%
Reappraisal, n:
An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
%
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
%
Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
-- C.N. Parkinson
%
Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
%
Reception area, n:
The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
Cosmopolitan.
%
Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
(3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
(4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
(5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
Qualactin Hypermint extract.
(6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
(8) Add an olive.
(9) Drink... but... very carefully...
%
Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
(3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
(4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
(5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
Qualactin Hypermint extract.
(6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
(8) Add an olive.
(9) Drink... but... very carefully...
%
Recursion is the root of computation
since it trades description for time.
%
Recursion: n. See Recursion.
-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%
Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
%
Regnant populi.
%
Regression analysis:
Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
getting worse.
%
Reichel's Law:
A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
an outside force.
%
Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
-- Thomas Berger
%
Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
%
...relaxed in the manner of a man who
has no need to put up a front of any kind.
-- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
%
Reliable source, n:
The guy you just met.
%
Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
%
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
-- Napoleon
%
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
%
Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
-- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
%
Remember Darwin; building a better
mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
%
Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
deserts.
-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
%
Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
-- Jim Samuels
%
Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
have an established user base.
%
Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
the first one.
-- Confusion
%
"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
*not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
-- Good Morning VietNam
%
Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
that you're the one holding it.
-- Mr. Greenfatigues
%
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
-- Hans Liepmann
%
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
%
Remember the... the... uhh.....
%
Remember thee
Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
Yea, from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
That youth and observation copied there.
-- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
%
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
-- Mt.
%
Remember: use logout to logout.
%
Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
-- Chinese proverb
%
Remove me from this land of slaves,
Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
Where every knave and fool is bought,
Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
-- Jonathan Swift
%
Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
%
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain
%
Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
-- Indiana University footbal cheer
%
Reply hazy, ask again later.
%
Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
Yogi Berra: "Closed."
%
Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
%
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
%
Reputation, adj:
What others are not thinking about you.
%
Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
so you're still a valiant nerd.
%
Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
and think what nobody else has thought.
%
Research, n:
Consider Columbus:
He didn't know where he was going.
When he got there he didn't know where he was.
When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
And he did it all on someone else's money.
%
Responsibility:
Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
-- Cerebus, "On Governing"
%
Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
actually have a shot at it.
%
Reunite Gondwondaland!
%
Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
%
Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
%
Revenge is a meal best served cold.
%
Revolution, n:
A form of government abroad.
%
Revolution, n:
In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
revolutionary, adj:
Repackaged.
%
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
world.
-- Senator Barry Goldwater
%
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
-- Menander
%
Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
going on here."
Croupier (handing money to Renault):
"Your winnings, sir."
Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
-- Casablanca
%
Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
%
"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
rights, which they use or do not use.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Ring around the collar.
%
Ritchie's Rule:
(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
%
Robot, n:
Someone who's been made by a scientist.
%
Robot, n:
University administrator.
%
Robustness, adj:
Never having to say you're sorry.
%
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance,
funding agencies will reject the proposal.
%
Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
become necessary.
-- Edgar Friedenberg
%
Rome was not built in one day.
-- John Heywood
%
Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
%
Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
-- Elvis Costello
%
Roses are red;
Violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
And so am I.
%
Rotten wood cannot be carved.
-- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
%
Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
-- Zero Mostel
%
Round Numbers are always false.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
%
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
%
Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
%
Rudd's Discovery:
You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
$300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
stay in Washington and make it there.
%
Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
%
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
do it every time.
Rudin's Second Law:
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
course.
%
rugby, n:
Elegant violence.
(Rugby players eat their dead.)
(Blood makes the grass grow!)
(Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
[A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
%
RUGGED:
Too heavy to lift.
%
Rule #1:
The Boss is always right.
Rule #2:
If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
%
Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
regain their composure.
%
Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
%
Rule the Empire through force.
-- Shogun Tokugawa
%
Rules for Good Grammar #4.
1: Don't use no double negatives.
2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
4: About them sentence fragments.
5: When dangling, watch your participles.
6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
7: Just between you and i, case is important.
8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
13: Correct speling is essential.
14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
%
Rules for Writers:
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
%
Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
-- Lao Tsu
%
Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
%
Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
-- John Cameron Swayze
%
Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
-- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
Ryan's Law:
Make three correct guesses consecutively
and you will establish yourself as an expert.
%
Sacher's Observation:
Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
%
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
%
SADISM:
A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
%
sadoequinecrophilia, n:
Beating a dead horse.
%
Safety Third.
%
SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
obnoxious self. Call your mother.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
%
Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
the ashtray."
%
Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
-- Heard on Noahs' ark
%
Sailors in ships, sail on!
Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
%
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
-- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
%
Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
in small amounts over a long period of time.
-- George Carlin
%
Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
with me.
Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
uncharted waters here.
-- Sally Forth
%
Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
-- Cheers, Loverboyd
Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
-- Cheers, Loverboyd
Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
-- Cheers, Loverboyd
%
Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
-- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
-- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
-- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
%
Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
-- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
-- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm! (Norman.)
Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
-- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
%
Sam: What's going on, Normie?
Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
it, and I'll blow out my liver.
-- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
Found him every couple of blocks.
-- Cheers, Head Over Hill
%
Sam: What's new, Norm?
Norm: Most of my wife.
-- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
-- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
Coach: What's doing, Norm?
Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
to be the guinea pig.
-- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
%
SAN DIEGO:
Four million people, where you can't get a
good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
%
San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
-- George Halas, professional footbal coach
%
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
%
Sank heaven for leetle curls.
%
Santa Claus is watching!
%
Santa Claus wears a red suit
He's a Communist.
He has long hair and a beard
Must be a pacifist.
And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
-- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
%
SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
\__\_ :. ___/
..\ /--
:.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .:
(( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o
====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-'
\____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: ..
( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.:
( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \
( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\
(____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\
/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/
%
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
%
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
%
Satire is tragedy plus time.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
%
Satire is what closes Saturday night.
-- George Kaufman
%
Satyrs have more faun.
%
Savage's Law of Expediency:
You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
%
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
surprised at how little you have.
-- Ernest Haskins
%
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
Save gas, don't eat beans.
%
Save gas, don't use the shell.
%
Save the bales!
%
Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
%
Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
Bust in business, lost your wife;
No one cares a cent about you,
You don't care a cent for life;
Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
Health is failing, wish you'd die--
Why, you've still the sunshine left you
And the big blue sky.
-- R.W. Service
%
Say it with flowers,
Or say it with mink,
But whatever you do,
Don't say it with ink!
-- Jimmie Durante
%
Say many of cameras focused t'us,
Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
No justice, please, curse ye!
We really want mercy:
You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
-- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
%
Say my love is easy had,
Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
Still behold me at your side.
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue,
Still you have my heart to wear.
But say my verses do not scan,
And I get me another man!
-- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
%
Say no, then negotiate.
-- Helga
%
Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
%
Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
%
SCENARIO:
An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
%
Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
%
Scene:
A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
intently watching him.
Caption:
"I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you."
%
Schmidt's Observation:
All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
than a thin person.
%
Science and religion are in full accord but
science and faith are in complete discord.
%
Science Fiction, Double Feature.
Frank has built and lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
The servants gone to a distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
is a house.
-- Jules Henri Poincare
%
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
%
Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
%
Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
To seek a shelter in some happier star?
Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
-- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
%
Scientists still know less about what attracts men
than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
-- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
"What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
%
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
together. "There is now", came the reply.
%
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
%
Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
to throw up. Knock it off.
%
SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
to win. You never learn.
%
Scott's First Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Scott's Second Law:
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
After the correction has been found in error, it will be
impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
equation.
%
Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
And we've also found Just flip one switch
When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
The system is going to crash.
-- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
%
Scratch the disks!
Drop the core!
Roll the tapes across the floor!
%
SCRIBLINE:
The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
%
Sears has everything.
%
Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
%
Second Law of Final Exams:
In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
%
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
%
Secretary's Revenge:
Filing almost everything under "the".
%
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
%
Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
[Who guards the Guardians?]
%
See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
the second one should have seen it.
%
Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
"Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
%
Seeing is believing.
You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
%
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
-- James Thurber
%
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
rocks. They all got out of the car:
The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
into town and have a specialist look at it."
The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
in and see if it does it again."
%
Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
you?".
The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
"Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
you like me to put it on your bill?"
Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
%
Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
like when God was working it alone!"
%
Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
register.
"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
"Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
"GRIZZLIES?!?!"
"A few."
"Got any bear bells?"
"What's that?"
"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
country, anyhow?"
"Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat."
"Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?"
"Bear bells."
%
Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
%
Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
some new underwear.
The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
"No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
%
Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
%
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
%
semper en excretus
%
SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
%
Send some filthy mail.
%
Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
%
SENILITY:
The state of mind of elderly persons
with whom one happens to disagree.
%
Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
-- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
%
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
%
Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
-- Graham Greene
%
SERENDIPITY:
The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
%
Serfs up!
-- Spartacus
%
Serocki's Stricture:
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
%
Set the cart before the horse.
-- John Heywood
%
Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
%
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Is all my brain and body need.
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Are very good indeed.
Take your silly ways,
Throw them out the window,
The wisdom of your ways,
I've been there and I know,
Lots of other ways...
-- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
%
Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
%
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
-- Lewis Grizzard
%
Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
-- Ian Dury
%
Sex is an emotion in motion.
-- Mae West
%
"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
for diet Coke."
-- Malcolm DacDougall
%
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
-- Garrison Keillor
%
Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
it's still darn tasty!
%
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant.
-- Henry Miller
%
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
-- M.C. Reed
%
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
most amount of trouble.
-- John Barrymore
%
Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
repeated until infinity.
-- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
1973.
%
Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
how children do not come into the world.
-- Karl Kraus
%
Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
%
Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
-- J.M. Barrie
%
Shame is an improper emotion invented by
pietists to oppress the human race.
-- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
%
Shannon's Observation
Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
that is beginning to improve.
%
share, n:
To give in, endure humiliation.
%
She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
good.
-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
%
She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
-- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
%
She asked me, "What's your sign?"
I blinked and answered "Neon,"
I thought I'd blow her mind...
%
She been married so many times
she got rice marks all over her face.
-- Tom Waits
%
She blinded me with science!
%
She can kill all your files;
She can freeze with a frown.
And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
And she works on her code until ten after three.
She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
-- Apologies to Billy Joel
%
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
-- Tommy Manville
%
She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
%
She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
involvement in "The Avengers".
%
She often gave herself very good advice
(though she very seldom followed it).
-- Lewis Carroll
%
She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
%
She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
Let 'em hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
-- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
%
She sells cshs by the cshore.
%
She stood on the tracks
Waving her arms
Leading me to that third rail shock
Quick as a wink
She changed her mind
She gave me a night
That's all it was
What will it take until I stop
Kidding myself
Wasting my time
There's nothing else I can do
'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
I don't want anyone new
'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
There's nothing in it for you
'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
-- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
%
She was bred in ol' Kentucky
But she's just a crumb up here
She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
With a cauliflower ear
Someday we will be married
And if vegetables become too dear
I'll just cut me a slice of
Her cauliflower ear!
-- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
%
She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
good at being short.
-- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
%
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
%
She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
%
She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
%
Shedenhelm's Law:
All trails have more uphill sections
than they have downhill sections.
%
"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
%
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
bad fiction contest.
%
She's learned to say things with her eyes
that others waste time putting into words.
%
She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
%
She's such a kinky girl,
The kind you don't take home to mother.
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street.
%
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
-- Mae West
%
Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
%
Shick's Law:
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
%
Shift to the left,
Shift to the right,
Mask in, mask out,
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
%
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
%
Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
comments:
"Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
"A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
"A man for all seasons. Really..."
After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
body join her long dead brain.
%
Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
-- Terry Southern
%
Short people get rained on last.
%
Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
-- Martin Mull
%
Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
-- Leo Durocher
%
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
%
Showing up is 80% of life.
-- Woody Allen
%
Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
-- Voltaire
%
Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
-- Henri Estienne
%
Sic transit gloria Monday!
%
Sic transit gloria mundi.
[So passes away the glory of this world.]
-- Thomas a Kempis
%
Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
%
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
%
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
%
Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
raise bloody hell.
-- Herbert Block
%
Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
-- Thomas Carlyle
%
Silence is the only virtue you have left.
%
sillema sillema nika su
[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
%
Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
%
Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
intersection in town. BUT!
Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
%
Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
%
Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
-- Hubert Kirrman
%
Sin boldly.
-- Martin Luther
%
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
%
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
-- Lazarus Long
%
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
when others believe him.
-- Charles DeGaulle
%
Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
%
Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
%
Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
burst out in laughter.
-- Long Chen Pa
%
Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
-- Tom Stoppard
%
Sink or Swim with Teddy!
%
Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
%
Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
-- C3P0
%
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-- Winston Churchill
%
Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
It'll cost you though".
"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
"An arm and a leg", said God.
Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
for a rib?"
%
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
gives us modern art.
-- Tom Stoppard
%
skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2
kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
[hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
%
Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
-- W.C. Fields
%
Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
%
Slous' Contention:
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
%
Slow day.
Practice crawling.
%
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
%
Small is beautiful.
-- Schumacher's Dictum
%
Small things make base men proud.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
teacher was in my class for five years.
-- George Burns
%
Smear the road with a runner!!
%
Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
%
Smile, Cthulu Loathes You.
%
Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
-- Fran Lebowitz
%
SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
filed 30 days in advance.
%
Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
%
Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
-- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
%
SNACKTREK:
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
have materialized.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
%
SNAPPY REPARTEE:
What you'd say if you had another chance.
%
Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
%
Snow and adolescence are the only problems
that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
%
Snow Day -- stay home.
%
Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
%
So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
go to work?
%
So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
-- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
%
So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
%
So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Durbanu on a
friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
-- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
%
So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
%
So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
-- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
%
So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
-- Yogi Berra
%
So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
large as it needs to be?
%
So little time, so little to do.
-- Oscar Levant
%
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
%
So many beautiful women and so little time.
-- John Barrymore
%
So many men and so little time.
%
So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
So many women, and so little time!
%
So many women, so little nerve.
%
So much food, and so little time!
%
So much
depends
upon
a red
wheel
barrow
glazed with
rain
water
beside
the white
chickens.
-- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
%
So now
that you have-
you know, whoever
you're trying
to do
a favor
for
-you've done it-
and I'm sure
you had
a smirk
on your mouth
as you got me
into this.
-- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
From SPY Magazine, November 1992
%
So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%
So... so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For the lead role in a cage?
-- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
%
So this it it. We're going to die.
%
So, you better watch out!
You better not cry!
You better not pout!
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming, to town.
He knows when you've been sleeping,
He know when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
He has ties with the CIA.
So...
%
"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
"Friday, then?"
"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
-- Dating in Minnesota
%
So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all
core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow,
why, it already happened. You see, its just a little universal recursive joke
which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go
to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the
safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time.
So go to sleep, ...
%
So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
%
So you think that money is the root of all evil.
Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
-- Ayn Rand
%
So you're back... about time...
%
Soap and education are not as sudden as a
massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
-- Mark Twain
%
SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
CAPITALISM:
You sell one cow and buy a bull.
FACISM:
You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
The government sells it.
NAZISM:
The government shoots you and takes the cows.
NEW DEALISM:
The government shoots one cow,
milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
ANARCHISM:
Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
CONSERVATISM:
Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
%
Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
like a staff function."
-- Paul Licker
%
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
%
Soldiers who wish to be a hero
Are practically zero,
But those who wish to be civilians,
They run into the millions.
%
Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
-- Kayvan Sylvan
%
Solutions are obvious if one only has the
optical power to observe them over the horizon.
-- K.A. Arsdall
%
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
and some few to be chewed and digested.
-- Francis Bacon
[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
%
Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
%
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
as when you find a trout in the milk.
-- Thoreau
%
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
%
Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
%
Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
places!
-- Mae West
%
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
%
Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
about sex at all... they become lawyers.
-- Woody Allen
%
Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
%
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
-- Maureen Murphy
%
Some men feel that the only thing they owe
the woman who marries them is a grudge.
-- Helen Rowland
%
Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
-- Samuel Butler
%
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
-- Woodie Guthrie
%
Some men who fear that they are playing
second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
%
Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
The answer is: I don't know.
Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
%
Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
"lekare".
"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
he received, shame and wounds."
%
Some of the things that live the longest
in peoples' memories never really happened.
%
Some of them want to use you,
Some of them want to be used by you,
...Everybody's looking for something.
-- Eurythmics
%
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-- Gloria Steinem
%
Some parts of the past must be preserved,
and some of the future prevented at all costs.
%
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
-- Stephen Wright
%
Some people around here wouldn't recognize
subtlety if it hit them on the head.
%
Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
two-dimensional ones.
-- F. Frederick Skitty
%
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
%
Some people cause happiness wherever
they go; others, whenever they go.
%
Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
but at least you only have to climb it once.
%
Some people have a great ambition: to build something
that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
%
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
%
Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
%
Some people have parts that are so private
they themselves have no knowledge of them.
%
Some people live life in the fast lane.
You're in oncoming traffic.
%
Some people manage by the book, even though they
don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
%
Some people need a good imaginary cure
for their painful imaginary ailment.
%
Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
%
Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
%
Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
%
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
%
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction, ice
Is also great
And would suffice
-- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
%
Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
-- Folk saying
%
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
%
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
-- W.C. Fields
%
Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
That don't smell very nice --
He's nobody's moggy now.
Oh you who love your pussy,
Be sure to keep him in.
Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
The truck is bound to win. On the road way
And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
And your pussy will be slightly dead,
He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
Just red and squashed and soggy --
He's nobody's moggy now.
-- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
%
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
I found a pile of them over in the corner.
%
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
%
Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
-- Mister Boffo
%
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
-- Evan Davis
%
Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
%
Someday your prints will come.
-- Kodak
%
Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
when I was passing through satisfaction.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
%
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
-- David Letterman
%
Someone is speaking well of you.
%
Someone is speaking well of you.
How unusual!
%
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
%
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
%
Something better...
1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
minutes late.
6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
own ear.
7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
mind putting that thing away.
8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
It's what's in it that matters.
9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
Seattle.
10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
changing tempo.
12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
%
Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-- Shakespeare
%
Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
-- N.V. Plyter
%
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
-- Sigmund Freud
%
Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
-- Montesquieu
%
Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
-- Richard M. Nixon
%
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
-- Seneca
%
Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
Either light up or leave me alone.
%
Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
world.
-- Robert Stone
%
Sometimes I live in the country,
And sometimes I live in town.
And sometimes I have a great notion,
To jump in the river and drown.
%
Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
%
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
%
Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
-- Repo Man
%
Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
%
SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
me because I am beautiful.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
%
Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
Other times I can hardly see.
Lately it occurs to me
What a long strange trip it's been.
-- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
%
Sometimes, too long is too long.
-- Joe Crowe
%
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
-- Snoopy
%
Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
-- Andy Capp
%
Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
else is driving.
-- David Letterman
%
Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
%
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
-- Sam Levenson
%
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
-- Carl Sagan
%
Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
-- Sky Masterson's Father
%
Sorry. Nice try.
%
Sorry never means having you're say to love.
%
Space is to place as eternity is to time.
-- Joseph Joubert
%
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
-- Wheeler
%
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
-- Captain James T. Kirk
%
SPAGMUMPS:
Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
syllable is thine!"
-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
%
Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
%
Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
Faculty members especially welcome.
%
Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
-- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
%
Spence's Admonition:
Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
%
SPINSTER:
A bachelor's wife.
%
Spock: The odds of surviving another
attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
%
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
%
SPOUSE:
Someone who'll stand by you through all the
trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
%
Spring is here, spring is here,
Life is skittles and life is beer.
%
SQUATCHO:
The button at the top of a baseball cap.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
%
St. Patrick was a gentleman
who through strategy and stealth
drove all the snakes from Ireland.
Here's a toasting to his health --
but not too many toastings
lest you lose yourself and then
forget the good St. Patrick
and see all those snakes again.
%
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
%
Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
%
Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
"Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
All it said was: "Write two letters."
%
Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
%
Stamp out philately.
%
STANDARDS:
The principles we use to reject other people's code.
%
Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
-- Chuang Tzu
%
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
%
Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
%
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
-- W.C. Fields
%
Start the day with a smile.
After that you can be your nasty old self again.
%
State license plates we'd like to see:
NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
LVME 10DR OW-A CAH
LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
HAWAII WISCONSIN
L-O HA CHEDDAR
FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
%
State license plates we'd like to see:
ALABAMA ARIZONA
IC1 NOW 120 F
THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS
WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
TEXAS FLORIDA
1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED
PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
%
State license plates we'd like to see:
MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
WL-GOLLY ARG GGH
HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
MOVIE STATE
%
STATISTICS:
A system for expressing your political
prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
%
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
-- Henry Clay
%
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
%
Stay the curse.
%
Stay together, drag each other down.
%
Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
Though we really did try to make it,
Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
It used to be so easy living here with you,
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
There'll be good times again for me and you,
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
But it's too late baby...
It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
-- Carol King, "Tapestry"
%
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
its rate is a matter of discretion.
-- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
%
Steckel's Rule to Success:
Good enough is never good enough.
%
Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
Embezzlement is another matter.
%
Stenderup's Law:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
%
Step back, unbelievers!
Or the rain will never come.
Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
But I swear to you, before this day is out,
you folks are gonna see some rain!
%
Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
very little call for those up there.
-- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
%
Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
%
Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
%
Stock's Observation:
You no sooner get your head above water
but what someone pulls your flippers off.
%
Stone's Law:
One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
%
Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
on the credulity of human nature.
%
Stop me, before I kill again!
%
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
%
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
%
Strange things are done to be number one
In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
Would ship for Celtic gold.
The movers came to crate the frame;
It weighed a million ton!
The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
Because they couldn't deliver.
-- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
%
STRATEGY:
A comprehensive plan of inaction.
%
Strategy:
A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
after those creating it have left the organization.
%
Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
%
Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
and have a nice day.
%
Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
STUPID:
Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay.
%
Stupidity is its own reward.
%
Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
%
Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
%
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
the streets after them.
-- Bill Vaughn
%
Success is a journey, not a destination.
%
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
%
Success is in the minds of Fools.
-- William Wrenshaw, 1578
%
Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
made of things.
-- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
%
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
%
Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
Such a fine first dream!
But they laughed at me; they said
I had made it up.
%
Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
%
Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
-- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
%
Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
Sudden Death Dating:
Quote, female:
Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
at this point I'll take his first name, too.
%
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
The Path there is, but none who travel it.
-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
%
Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
%
Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
%
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
-- Donald Kaul
%
Sum quod eris.
%
Sun in the night, everyone is together,
Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
-- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
%
SUN Microsystems:
The Network IS the Load Average.
%
SUNSET:
Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
progressively reducing solar elevation.
%
Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
-- Martin Luther
%
Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
Supervisee: Yes.
-- Overheard at a supervision.
%
Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
%
Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
%
Support the American Kidney Foundation.
Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
%
Support the Girl Scouts!
(Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
%
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
%
Support your local church or synagogue.
Worship at Bank of America.
%
Support your right to arm bears!!
%
Support your right to bare arms!
-- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
%
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
a pinhead.
-- Christopher Evans
%
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
But what if he forgets?
%
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
-- Richard M. Nixon
%
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are
dishonest men in national government too.
-- Richard Nixon
%
"Surely you can't be serious."
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
%
Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
%
sushi, n:
When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
strapped on with electrical tape.
%
Sushido, n:
The way of the tuna.
%
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
-- Wm. Shakespeare
%
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
%
Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
-- Thomas Tusser
%
Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
%
Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
I rush!
-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
%
Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
unusually pale and clear.
Problem: Glass empty.
Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
and the front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
wrong part of face.
Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
Fault: The Bar is closing.
Action Required: Panic.
Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
You cannot see the bathroom light.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
treat yourself to a lie-in.
-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
toward ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
to the owner about its lack of house training and
demand a beer as compensation.
-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Symptom: Floor swaying.
Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
game in progress.
Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action Required: See above.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
fluorescent light strips.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
you get up, lash yourself to bar.
-- Bar Troubleshooting
%
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
System checkpoint complete.
%
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
%
System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
%
System going down in 5 minutes.
%
System restarting, wait...
%
SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
Works equally poorly on all systems.
%
Systems programmer:
A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
are to receive from your boss.
%
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
-- R.S. Barton
%
TACKY:
Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
%
Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
-- Jean Cocteau
%
Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
-- Jean Cocteau
%
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
%
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
%
Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
%
Take an astronaut to launch.
%
Take care of the luxuries and the
necessities will take care of themselves.
-- L. Long
%
Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
%
TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
%
Take me drunk,
I'm home again!
%
Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
have given them to you.
%
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
-- Ken Kesey
%
Take your Senator to lunch this week.
%
Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
-- Booth Tarkington
%
Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
-- Rev. Jim
%
Talent does what it can.
Genius does what it must.
You do what you get paid to do.
%
Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
%
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
-- Laurie Anderson
%
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%
Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
Tan me hide when I'm dead.
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
It's hanging there on the shed.
All together now...
Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
Tie me kangaroo down.
Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
Tie me kangaroo down.
%
Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
-- B. Franklin
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
%
TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
%
TAX OFFICE:
Den of inequity.
%
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
%
TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
-- Dave Mills
%
Teachers have class.
%
TEAMWORK:
Having someone to blame.
%
Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
being only an inference.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
a moment and then log off.
%
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
%
Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
-- Erma Bombeck
%
TELEPRESSION:
The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
burden on the directory assistant.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
%
Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
-- Ernie Kovacs
%
Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
-- Robert Carson
%
Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
%
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
each other.
-- Ann Landers
%
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
-- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
%
Television is now so desperately hungry for material
that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
-- Gore Vidal
%
Television only proves that people will look at anything --
rather than each other.
%
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
to touch to be sure.
%
Tell me what to think!!!
%
Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the ivy twines,
Tell me why the sky's so blue,
And I will tell you just why I love you.
Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
Phototropism makes ivy twine,
Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
Sexual hormones are why I love you.
%
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
-- A. Hope
%
Tempt me with a spoon!
%
Tempt not a desperate man.
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
%
Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven
showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of
his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word.
Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and
handed the others to Dutsky.
"Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
%
Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
and handed the others to Dutsky.
"Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
%
Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
-- Napoleon I
%
Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
school, and then work, work, work till we die.
-- C.S. Lewis
%
Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan,
and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the
sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
is impossible."
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
[Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
%
Test for paraquat:
Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
the solution will turn blue-green.
%
Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
-- Dijkstra
%
TEUTONIC:
Not enough gin.
%
TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
-- Gordon Bell
%
Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
called you from here."
%
Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
-- Wayne Oakes
%
Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
%
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
%
That does not compute.
%
That feeling just came over me.
-- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
%
That government is best which governs least.
-- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
%
That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
in the same way as us.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
That money talks,
I'll not deny,
I heard it once,
It said "Good-bye.
-- Richard Armour
%
That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
%
That that is is that that is not is not.
%
That, that is, is.
That, that is not, is not.
That, that is, is not that, that is not.
That, that is not, is not that, that is.
%
...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
-- Linden and Wihelminalaan
%
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
%
That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
-- Heine
%
That's always the way when you discover
something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
-- Evelyn E. Smith
%
That's life.
What's life?
A magazine.
How much does it cost?
Two-fifty.
I only have a dollar.
That's life.
%
That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
-- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
%
"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
That's no moon...
-- Obi-wan Kenobi
%
That's odd. That's very odd.
Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
%
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
-- Neil Armstrong
%
That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
-- Woody Allen, on sex
%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
%
That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
-- Bill Veeck
%
That's what she said.
%
That's where the money was.
-- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
-- Willie Sutton
%
The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
-- Lewis Carroll
%
The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
-- R.B. Greenberg
%
The 357.73 Theory --
Auditors always reject expense accounts
with a bottom line divisible by 5.
%
The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
%
The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
-- T. Cheatham
%
The absent ones are always at fault.
%
The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
-- A. Camus
%
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
-- Clifton Fadiman
%
The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
-- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
%
The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
-- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
%
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
he is already degraded.
-- George Orwell
%
The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
-- Whitehead.
%
The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
%
The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
-- Bart Miller
%
The all-softening overpowering knell,
The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
-- Lord Byron
%
The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
-- Winston Churchill, 1942
%
The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
Film at 11:00.
%
The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
-- Finlay Peter Dunne
%
The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
-- Al Capone
%
The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
%
The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
in billigrahams.
%
The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
%
The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
even better, nobody has to play it.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
I don't mind... and you don't matter.
-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
%
The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
-- E. Costello
%
The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
with which you can threaten your enemies.
-- Bonnard
%
The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
--Salvador De Madariaga
%
The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
-- Albertano of Brescia
%
The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
doctors nor lawyers.
-- L. Docquier
%
The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
And dare not stray to ideas new,
For if t'were tried they might e'en work
And for a living what woulds't we do?
%
The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
Four day work week,
Two ply toilet paper!
%
The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
%
The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
logs to multiply."
%
The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
-- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
%
The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
Jupiter can have no satellites:
There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
and therefore do not exist.
%
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
%
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
-- Ladies' Home Journal
%
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
the morning feeling just terrible.
-- Jean Kerr
%
The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
%
The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
%
The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
one graveyard to another.
-- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
%
The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
their father.
-- Mencken
%
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
-- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
%
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
carries any reward.
-- John Maynard Keynes
%
The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
%
The bank sent our statement this morning,
The red ink was a sight of great awe!
Their figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
%
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
THE BEATLES:
Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
%
The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
%
The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
-- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
[If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
Memory". Ed.]
%
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
-- Maurice Baring
%
The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
live with a British wife, and eat American food.
--Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
%
The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
but doesn't.
-- Tom Crichton
%
The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
-- Scotty
%
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
by judging things by their price.
%
The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
them while they do it.
-- Theodore Roosevelt
%
The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
%
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
-- Blair
%
The best man for the job is often a woman.
%
The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
head waiter.
-- Nubar Gulbenkian
%
The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
-- Wordsworth
%
The best prophet of the future is the past.
%
The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
redoubtable John W. Campbell:
The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
being read by a corpse.
%
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
drifting side by side to our common doom.
-- Clarence Darrow
%
The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
%
The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
%
The best things in life are for a fee.
%
The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
%
The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
%
The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
%
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
%
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
%
The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
smoke is a right worth dying for.
%
The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
-- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
%
The best you get is an even break.
-- Franklin Adams
%
The better part of valor is discretion.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
-- Nietzsche
%
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
It's just that they need more supervision.
%
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%
The Bible on letters of reference:
Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
%
The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
-- Nora Ephron
%
The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
-- Jules Feiffer
%
The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
hungry all the time?
%
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
%
The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
working for someone else.
%
The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
occurred.
%
The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
and the bird is on the wing.
-- Omar Khayyam
%
The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
%
The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
%
The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The boy stood on the burning deck,
Eating peanuts by the peck.
His father called him, but he could not go,
For he loved those peanuts so.
%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
%
The British are coming! The British are coming!
%
The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
and humiliating reality.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
-- Kay Bostic
%
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."
Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
%
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
people, and don't come in clearly enough.
-- Bill Maher
%
The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The carbonyl is polarized,
The delta end is plus.
The nucleophile will thus attack,
The carbon nucleus.
Addition makes an alcohol,
Of types there are but three.
It makes a bond, to correspond,
From C to shining C.
-- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
%
The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
-- Herbert von Fritzlar
%
The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
%
The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
sometimes three.
-- Alexandre Dumas
%
The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
-- Picasso
%
The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
-- Elbert Hubbard
%
The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
%
The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
%
The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
-- John Muir
%
The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
-- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
%
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a
job application.
%
The closest to perfection a person ever comes
is when he fills out a job application form.
-- Stanley J. Randall
%
The clothes have no emperor.
-- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
%
The coast was clear.
-- Lope de Vega
%
The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
intellectual nakedness.
-- Robert M. Hutchins
%
The Commandments of the EE:
1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
embarrassing manner.
2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
earthly vale of tears.
3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
a radiator too.
4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
unbelievers.
%
The Commandments of the EE:
5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
the fury of the engineers on his head.
7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
%
The Commandments of the EE:
9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
innocent-seeming device.
%
The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
%
The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
the 80's.
-- Marty Winston
%
The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
central power station is to the electrical industry.
-- Peter Drucker
%
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
-- Alan Perlis
%
The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
defined several times by examples of what it is not.
%
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
dangerous.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
%
The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
than what we've got!
%
The control of the production of wealth
is the control of human life itself.
-- Hilaire Belloc
%
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
you talked about.
-- Lazarus Long
%
The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
%
The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
-- W.C. Fields
%
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The course of true anything never does run smooth.
-- Samuel Butler
%
The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
father!"
%
The covers of this book are too far apart.
-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
%
The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
-- Susan Dooley
%
The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
-- Andy Purshottam
%
The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
%
The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
Every class is unfit to govern.
-- Lord Acton
%
The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
%
The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
-- H.D. Thoreau
%
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
%
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
to a tedious book.
%
The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
%
The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
%
The degree of civilization in a society
can be judged by entering its prisons.
-- F. Dostoyevski
%
The degree of technical confidence is inversely
proportional to the level of management.
%
The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
%
The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
into a drawer.
Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
crisis passed.
Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
He held another press conference, announcing that the division
would be restructured. The crisis passed.
A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
%
The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
-- Anaxagoras
%
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
The devil finds work for idle glands.
%
The die is cast.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
%
The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
%
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
%
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain
%
The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
%
The difference between art and science is that science is what we
understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
-- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
%
The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
is thinking that they're conspiring.
-- J. Kegler
%
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
%
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
%
The difference between legal separation and divorce is
that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
%
The difference between reality and unreality
is that reality has so little to recommend it.
-- Allan Sherman
%
The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
-- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
%
The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
sentimentality.
-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
%
The difference between the right word and the almost right word
is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain
%
The difference between this place and yogurt
is that yogurt has a live culture.
%
The difference between us is not very far,
cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
%
The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
-- T.K.
%
The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
%
The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
-- Russell Baker
%
The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
%
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
%
The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
The distinction between true and false appears to become
increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
-- Arne Tiselius
%
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
-- John Adams
%
The door is the key.
%
The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
of the woman.
-- Honore DeBalzac
%
The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
%
The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
%
The early worm gets the bird.
%
The early worm gets the late bird.
%
"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
valuable possession to him."
"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
would tire of the spectacle eventually."
-- Mark Twain
%
The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
-- Mel Brooks
%
The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
%
The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
over the post of robotics correspondent.
Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
wall when the revolution came'.
%
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
-- Buckminster Fuller
%
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
%
The ends justify the means.
-- after Matthew Prior
%
The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
of these atoms is talking moonshine.
-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
the first time
%
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
in full pursuit of the uneatable.
-- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
%
The English instinctively admire any man
who has no talent and is modest about it.
-- James Agate, British film and drama critic
%
The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
"What kind of family do you come from?"
"A rich, Jewish family."
"And your wife?"
"A German aristocrat."
"Have you ever been to the West?"
"I spent most of my life in England."
"How did you make a living there?"
"A friend supported me."
"Where did you get the money from?"
"He owned a textile factory."
"Who was Lenin?"
"Never heard of him."
"What is your name?"
"Karl Marx."
%
[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
-- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
presidential aspirant.
%
The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
a substitute for intelligence.
-- Lyman Bryson
%
The eternal feminine draws us upward.
-- Goethe
%
The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
-- Anne Boleyn
%
The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
is the most likely to be correct.
-- William of Occam
%
The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
-- Chuang Tzu
%
The eyes of taxes are upon you.
%
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
All the livelong day;
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
You cannot get away;
Do not think you can escape them
From night 'til early in the morn;
The eyes of Texas are upon you
'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
-- University of Texas' school song
%
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
-- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
%
The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
in general as no other can.
-- Wilhelm Reich
%
The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
compassion.
-- Saul Alinsky
%
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
%
The farther you go, the less you know.
-- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
%
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
%
The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
so long as they are Tories.
-- Christopher Booker
%
The faster I go, the behinder I get.
-- Lewis Carroll
%
The Fastest Defeat In Chess
The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
master.
In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
of their own homes.
Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
4: P-K6, Kt-K6/
White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
"Whaddaya want?"
"Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
%
The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
for them to despise science fiction.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
%
The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
center at Notre Dame."
"Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
times."
%
"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
and become lesbians."
%
The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
-- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
%
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
%
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
%
The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
the Bible.
-- John Quincy Adams
All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
to man are contained in it.
-- Abraham Lincoln
... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
-- Woodrow Wilson
%
The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
-- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
%
The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.
Understand?
-- Joey Glimco
%
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
by our children.
-- Clarence Darrow
%
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
and the second half by our children.
-- Clarence Darrow
%
The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
%
The first myth of management is that it exists.
%
The first requisite for immortality is death.
-- Stanislaw Lem
%
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
-- H.L. Mencken
%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Ehrlich
%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Paul Erlich
%
The first thing I do in the morning
is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
%
The first version always gets thrown away.
%
The five rules of Socialism:
1. Don't think.
2. If you do think, don't speak.
3. If you think and speak, don't write.
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
-- Alan Coult
%
The following statement is not true.
The previous statement is true.
%
The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
1. You can't push on a string.
2. Ain't no free lunches.
3. Them as has, gets.
4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
%
The Force is what holds everything together.
It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
%
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
completely surrounded by people who want some.
-- Dwight MacDonald
%
The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
rests on mutual help.
-- Laukikanyay.
%
The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
%
The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
%
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
due to levitation.
Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
if the character does not have fire resistance.
-- README file from the NetHack game
%
[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
-- Somerset Maugham
%
The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
of both parties tactfully interferes.
-- G.K. Chesterton
%
The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
-- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
%
The future is a myth created by insurance
salesmen and high school counselors.
%
The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
-- H.G. Wells
%
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
%
The future lies ahead.
%
The future not being born, my friend,
we will abstain from baptizing it.
-- George Meredith
%
The garden is in mourning;
The rain falls cool among the flowers.
Summer shivers quietly
On its way towards its end.
Golden leaf after leaf
Falls from the tall acacia.
Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
In this dying dream of a garden.
For a long while, yet, in the roses,
She will linger on, yearning for peace,
And slowly
Close her weary eyes.
-- Hermann Hesse, "September"
%
The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
-- Gore Vidal
%
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
%
The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
remember her first husband.
%
The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
%
The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
-- Sophia Loren
%
The glances over cocktails
That seemed to be so sweet
Don't seem quite so amorous
Over Shredded Wheat
%
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
is your move.
-- Frank Crane
%
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
He who has the gold makes the rules.
%
The good (I am convinced, for one)
Is but the bad one leaves undone.
Once your reputation's done
You can live a life of fun.
-- Wilhelm Busch
%
The good life was so elusive
It really got me down
I had to regain some confidence
So I got into camouflage
%
The good time is approaching,
The season is at hand.
When the merry click of the two-base lick
Will be heard throughout the land.
The frost still lingers on the earth, and
Budless are the trees.
But the merry ring of the voice of spring
Is borne upon the breeze.
-- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
%
The Gordian Maxim:
If a string has one end, it has another.
%
The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
and they can't fire it.
%
The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
%
The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
Christian Religion
-- George Washington
%
The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
"Send Lord Combermere."
"But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
Combermere a fool."
"So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
-- G.W.E. Russell
%
The goys have proven the following theorem...
-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
lecture.
%
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
%
The grave's a fine and private place,
but none, I think, do there embrace.
-- Andrew Marvell
%
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
-- Charles de Gaulle
%
The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
-- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
%
The Great Movie Posters:
*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
-- Tea with a Kick (1924)
Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
-- The Wild Party (1929)
YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
DIX -- the dashing soldier!
DIX -- the bold adventurer!
DIX -- the throbbing lover!
-- The Wheel of Life (1929)
SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
-- The Night is Young (1934)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
unimaginable hell.
-- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
-- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
SLAUGHTER!
-- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
The family that slays together stays together.
-- Bloody Mama (1970)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
-- Squirm (1976)
Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
-- The New House on the Left (1977)
WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
-- Zombie (1980)
It's not human and it's got an axe.
-- The Prey (1981)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
-- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
-- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Alone, only a harmless pet...
One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
-- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
They're Over-Exposed
But Not Under-Developed!
-- Cover Girl Models (1976)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
-- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
-- Untamed Mistress (1960)
NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
-- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
-- The Cycle Savages (1969)
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
-- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
-- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
-- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
-- Spitfire (1934)
Do Native Women Live With Apes?
-- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
JUNGLE KISS!!
When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
was a girl in love!
SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
-- Her Jungle Love (1938)
LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
-- Intermezzo (1939)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
-- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
She Sins in Mobile --
Marries in Houston --
Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
FIRST -- HARLOW!
THEN -- MONROE!
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
-- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
Became Mixed Up Zombies)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
SEE the burning of a virgin!
SEE power of witch doctor over women!
SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
-- Kwaheri (1965)
The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
-- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
give you the wim-wams!
-- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
-- Sweet and Savage (1983)
What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
-- Stroker Ace (1983)
It's always better when you come again!
-- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
-- Pieces (1983)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
on a roaring rampage of revenge!
-- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
SAUSAGES?
-- Meat is Meat (1972)
TODAY the Pond!
TOMORROW the World!
-- Frogs (1972)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
-- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
CAST OF 3,000!
4 WRITERS,
2 DIRECTORS,
3 CAMERAMEN,
3 PRODUCERS!
1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
-- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
%
The Great Movie Posters:
The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
-- Bwana Devil (1952)
OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
-- Robot Monster (1953)
1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
802 scared bulls!
-- The Egyptian (1954)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
horror on a screaming world!
-- The Crawling Eye (1958)
SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
giant desires!
-- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
-- The Desperate Women (1958)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
-- The Golden Mistress (1954)
See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
-- The French Line (1954)
See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
-- Hot Blood (1956)
%
The Great Movie Posters:
When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
Friends...
-- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
-- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
-- A Taste of Blood (1967)
%
The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
like prostitutes.
-- Stanley Kubrick
%
The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
-- Sigmund Freud
%
The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
answered themselves.
-- Arthur Binstead
%
The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
%
The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
-- Sophocles
%
The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
their wives and daughters to his arms.
-- Genghis Khan
%
The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
-- Polish proverb
%
The Greatest Mathematical Error
The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
spokesman said.
This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
%
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
-- Robert Heinlein
%
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
%
The groundhog is like most other prophets;
it delivers its message and then disappears.
%
The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
-- Galbraith
%
The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
-- J.K. Galbraith
%
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
%
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
%
The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
author's name on the title page.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
%
The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
-- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
%
The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
of functions performed by private citizens.
-- Alexis de Tocqueville
%
The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
-- Blaise Pascal
%
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
%
...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
%
The heaviest object in the world is the
body of the woman you have ceased to love.
-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
%
"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!"
%
The help people need most urgently is
help in admitting that they need help.
%
The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
adventurous youth.
-- Benjamin Cardozo
%
The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
-- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
%
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
have lunch?".
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
Retribution:
I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
Anticipation:
I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
Diplomacy:
I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
pretext that your brother did it.
%
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
-- Johnny Carson
%
The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
-- Helen Rowland
%
The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
-- Bill Lawrence
%
The horror... the horror!
%
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
-- Sir George Jessel
%
The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
-- David Gerrold
%
The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
-- Leo J. Burke
%
The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
-- D. Cohen
%
The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
%
The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
-- Doug Gwyn
%
The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
-- Harry V. Wade
%
The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
-- John Maynard Keyes
%
The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
%
The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
-- Quintus Ennius
%
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
-- Henry Kissinger
%
The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
A program is a lot like a nose:
Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
%
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
%
The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
%
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
golf has.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
-- Bertrand Russell
%
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Churchill
%
The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
pointer and a mark.
-- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
%
The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
style, gradually gaining a lodgment, quietly insinuates itself into
manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
overturning everything.
-- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
%
The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
treat the Arabs like postmen.
-- Franklyn Ajaye
%
The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
"I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
still in."
%
"The jig's up, Elman."
"Which jig?"
-- Jeff Elman
%
The Junior God now heads the roll
In the list of heaven's peers;
He sits in the House of High Control,
And he regulates the spheres.
Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
If, even in gods divine,
The best and wisest may not be those
Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
-- R.W. Service
%
The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
%
The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
-- L. Zadeh
%
The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
advantage to see the truth.
-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
%
The kind of danger people most enjoy is
the kind they can watch from a safe place.
%
The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
King: "How goes the battle plan?"
Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
K: "Yes."
A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
the dust clears."
K: "And?"
A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
K: "But what about the
^#!!$% battle plan?"
A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
%
The knowledge that makes us cherish
innocence makes innocence unattainable.
-- Irving Howe
%
The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
And now, just look at me."
%
The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
-- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
%
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
%
The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible
for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is
fired.
%
The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
%
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal
%
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
hand.
-- Fred Allen
%
The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
-- Governor Tarkin
%
The Law of Probable Dispersal:
That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
%
The Law of the Letter:
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
%
The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
%
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
be better."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Least Successful Animal Rescue
The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Least Successful Collector
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Least Successful Defrosting Device
The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
"I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
got stuck fast."
While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
"I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
Lips".
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
men and women.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Least Successful Executions
History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
punishment, he was reprieved.
The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
occasion failed to get the trap door open.
In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
to America and lived until 1933.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Least Successful Police Dogs
America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
offend the criminal classes.
His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
1967.
While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
-- Kin Hubbard
%
The less time planning, the more time programming.
%
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
THEN
FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE
LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL
VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
AWESOME!
%
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
it travels across the screen.
%
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
%
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
-- Plato
%
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
%
The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
-- DeGourmont
%
The little pieces of my life I give to you,
with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
%
The little town that time forgot,
Where all the women are strong,
The men are good-looking,
And the children above-average.
-- Prairie Home Companion
%
The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
door with a basket of kittens.
"Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
"These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
"My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
"No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
"Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
"Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
%
The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
simply making a limiting statement about himself.
-- Sidney Harris
%
The longer the title, the less important the job.
%
The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
-- Marcus Terentius Varro
%
The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
could grab as much as we could with both of them.
-- Major Major's father
%
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
%
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
so many of them.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
%
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
Are of imagination all compact...
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
%
The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
%
The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
-- Kevin Cowherd
%
The major advances in civilization are processes
that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
-- A.N. Whitehead
%
The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
bonds will eventually mature.
%
The major sin is the sin of being born.
-- Samuel Beckett
%
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
the violin.
-- Honore DeBalzac
%
The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
consistency.
-- Albert Einstein
%
The man she had was kind and clean
And well enough for every day,
But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
The one that got away.
-- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
%
The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
invented it.
In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
"It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
-- Menander
%
The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
-- Bertolt Brecht
%
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
-- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
%
The man who runs may fight again.
-- Menander
%
The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
-- Old Japanese proverb
%
The man who understands one woman is
qualified to understand pretty well everything.
-- Yeats
%
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
-- Will Rogers
The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
-- Vice President John Nance Garner
%
The Marines:
The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
%
The Marines:
The few, the proud, the not very bright.
%
The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
-- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
%
The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
-- Wilhelm Stekel
%
The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
master calls a butterfly.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
are one, and that one is marxism.
-- Heidi Hartmann,
"The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
%
The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
%
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
%
The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
-- Bulwer
%
The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
%
The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
always end up on their ends without any means.
-- Saul Alinsky
%
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
%
The meek don't want it.
%
The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
-- J.P. Getty
%
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
%
The meek shall inherit the Earth.
(But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
%
The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
%
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-- Carl Jung
%
[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
for impotency.
-- W. Churchill
%
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
%
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
%
The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
being who produces the impressions.
-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
%
The Modelski Chain Rule:
1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
Hewlett-Packard.
2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
bright-looking individual.
3: Procure a large chain.
4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
%
"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
of the bicuspids?"
-- The Old Man and his Bridge
%
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
-- Nicol Williamson
%
The moon is made of green cheese.
-- John Heywood
%
The Moral Majority is neither.
%
The more complex the mind, the greater
the need for the simplicity of play.
-- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
%
The more control, the more that requires control.
%
The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
the odds that the competition already has the order.
%
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
%
The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
The more I know men the more I like my horse.
%
The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
%
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
%
The more the merrier.
-- John Heywood
%
The more they over-think the plumbing
the easier it is to stop up the drain.
%
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
-- Alphonse Karr
%
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
%
The more we disagree, the more chance
there is that at least one of us is right.
%
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
%
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
%
The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
%
The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
%
The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
%
The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
have the good fortune to find one.
-- Carlyle
%
The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
-- Derek Wills
%
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
-- American proverb
%
The most dangerous organization in America today is:
a) The KKK
b) The American Nazi Party
c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
%
The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
the country is the one on which you resell it.
-- J. Brecheux
%
The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
%
The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
%
The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
-- Alfred De Musset
%
The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
starts a long, long time before the event.
-- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
from "Congress Eate It Up"
%
...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
freshman English at a Midwestern university.
-- Tom Wolfe
%
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
of a deaf man to a blind woman.
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%
The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
%
The most important early product on the way
to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
%
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
%
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
is that one of them be good at taking orders.
-- Linda Festa
%
The most important things, each person must do for himself.
%
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
%
The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
organization.
The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
-- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
%
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
been found.
-- Calvin Trillin
%
The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
them were fishermen.
-- Arthur Binstead
%
The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
to commit adultery.
Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
the printers L3,000.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
children for their insurance money.
-- Sherlock Holmes
%
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
%
The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
%
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
%
The nearer to the church, the further from God.
-- John Heywood
%
The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
%
THE NEW RIGHT:
A javelin team that elects to receive.
%
The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
to me is going to have his head knocked off.
-- Bill Conrad
%
The next thing I say to you will be true.
The last thing I said was false.
%
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
-- Lucille S. Harper
%
The nice thing about standards
is that there are so many of them to choose from.
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
%
The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
%
The night passes quickly when you're asleep
But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
...
Breakfast at the Egg House,
Like the waffle on the griddle,
I'm burnt around the edges,
But I'm tender in the middle.
-- Adrian Belew
%
The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
%
The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
of the barbecue.
%
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
%
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
%
The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
-- Robert Woodhead
%
The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
%
The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
%
The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
%
The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
god at 8:15 the next morning.
%
The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
more like fourteen.
-- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
%
The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
"Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
%
THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
floor.
"Sorry," he said with a smile.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
%
The one L lama, he's a priest
The two L llama, he's a beast
And I will bet my silk pyjama
There isn't any three L lllama.
-- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
%
The One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
cannot be understood.
-- Mark Ardis
%
The one sure way to make a lazy man look
respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
%
The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
-- Abbey Hoffman
%
The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
-- Pliny the Elder
%
The only constant is change.
%
The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
right turn on a red light.
-- Woody Allen
%
The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
that the car salesman knows he's lying.
%
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
%
The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
The only difference in the game of love over the last few
thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
-- The Indianapolis Star
%
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
it and are delighted.
-- Nietzsche
%
The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
beyond this they have not legitimacy.
-- Einstein.
%
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
is your husband.
%
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
%
The only people who make love all the time are liars.
-- Louis Jordan
%
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
%
The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
%
The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
%
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
-- Phaedrus
%
The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
-- Bill Veeck
%
The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
-- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
%
The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
%
The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
for getting acquainted.
-- Heywood Broun
%
The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
-- Colette
%
The only reward of virtue is virtue.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
%
The only thing better than love is milk.
%
The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
%
The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
us nothing.
-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
%
The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
the first one was useless.
-- Nicolas Chamfort
%
The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
-- Earl Warren
That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
the lessons that history has to teach.
-- Aldous Huxley
We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
-- Georg Hegel
HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
-- C. Schultz
%
The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
and guilt.
-- Elvis Costello
%
The only way to amuse some people
is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
%
The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain
%
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
-- David Gerrold
%
The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
-- Jean de la Bruyere
%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
-- Niels Bohr
%
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
waiting.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
and the pessimist knows it.
-- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
-- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
%
The opulence of the front office door varies
inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
%
The orders come down and they march us away.
There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
But it's better than working for Xerox.
-- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
%
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
-- Steven Wright
%
The other line moves faster.
%
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
%
The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
%
The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
%
The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
"Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
%
The people sensible enough to give
good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
%
The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
person you have always wanted to be.
-- Nancy Friday
%
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
-- Charles Pierce
%
The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
quality of joy.
-- Erica Jong
%
The person who can smile when something
goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
%
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
%
The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
%
The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
%
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
%
The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
%
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
become soft.
%
The philosopher's treatment of a question
is like the treatment of an illness.
-- Wittgenstein.
%
The Phone Booth Rule:
A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
%
The plural of spouse is spice.
%
The Poems, all three hundred of them,
may be summed up in one of their phrases:
"Let our thoughts be correct".
-- Confucius
%
The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
the higher emotions.
She would me "Honey" call,
She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
But now alas! She's left me
Falero, lero, loo.
Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
was her prudent choice of footwear.
The fives did fit her shoe.
In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
worst poet in England."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
-- Celine
%
The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
save your sanity for later.
%
The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
-- Buckminster Fuller
%
The pollution's at that awkward stage.
Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
-- Doug Sneyd
%
The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
-- Anthony Burgess
%
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
or to the people.
-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
%
The prettiest women are almost always the most
boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
The price of greatness is responsibility.
%
The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
-- C. Glymour.
%
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.
-- James Baldwin
%
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
%
The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
-- Mike Smith
%
The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
to sleep every few days.
%
The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
government because they could not keep up.
-- Idi Amin Dada
%
The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
requires intent.
%
The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
for incompetence.
%
The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
with sloppy English.
-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
stable business.
-- John Steinbeck
%
The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
%
The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their
thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
The answer exists only in the Tao.
%
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
horse.
-- Jac Goudsmit
%
The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
thoughts about their neighbours.
-- F.H. Bradley
%
The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
certainties.
-- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
%
The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
-- Mark Twain
%
The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
-- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
%
The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
engineers.
%
The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
%
The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
remain each in their own position.
-- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
Queen Victoria
%
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of
whether submarines can swim.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
The questions remain the same.
The answers are eternally variable.
%
The Rabbits The Cow
Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
-- Ogden Nash
%
The race is not always to the swift, nor the
battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
-- Damon Runyon
%
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
%
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
measurement of the speed of blight.
%
The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
illiterates can read.
-- Alberto Moravia
%
The real man's Bloody Mary:
Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
Throw all the other ingredients away.
%
The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
%
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
-- Christopher Morley
%
The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
%
The real reason psychology is hard is that
psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
%
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
%
The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
-- Don Rose
%
The reason that every major university maintains a department of
mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
people.
%
The reason they're called wisdom teeth
is that the experience makes you wise.
%
The reason why worry kills more people
than work is that more people worry than work.
%
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
-- Paul Erdman's Money Book
%
The relative importance of files depends on their cost
in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
-- T.A. Dolotta
%
The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
of a Dodge Dart.
-- Lisa Alther
%
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat --
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
-- Japanese proverb
%
The reward for working hard is more hard work.
%
The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
The haves get more, the have-nots die.
%
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously.
-- Hubert Humphrey
%
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously.
-- Hubert Humphrey
%
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
-- Justice Douglas
%
The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
upon the successful management of which so much remains.
-- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
%
The ripest fruit falls first.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
-- Bion
%
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
-- J. Gooding
%
The road to ruin is always in good repair,
and the travellers pay the expense of it.
-- Josh Billings
%
The root of all superstition is that men
observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
-- Francis Bacon
%
The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
%
The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
-- Lewis Carroll
%
The rules:
1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
the console keyboard.
3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
card decks together.
4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
especially if you're already married.
5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
a stool to reach another disk pack.
6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
shift.
7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
%
The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
gesture by the individual to himself.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
%
The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
%
The savior becomes the victim.
%
The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
%
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
1) They all had moderate appetites.
2) They all came from middle class homes.
3) All but two of them were dead.
%
The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
of civilization.
-- T.K.
%
The second best policy is dishonesty.
%
The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
-- Jim Warner
%
The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
%
The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
%
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
you've got it made.
-- Jean Giraudoux
%
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
there is no humor in Heaven.
-- Mark Twain
%
The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
-- Harry Skelton
%
The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
and sixth years.
%
The sheep died in the wool.
%
The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
%
The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
%
The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
%
The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
%
The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
-- [just say that five times...]
%
The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
-- Judge Harold T. Stone
%
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
And surly Winter grimly flies.
Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
The yellow Autumn presses near;
Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
Till smiling Spring again appear.
Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
But never ranging, still unchanging,
I adore my bonnie Bell.
-- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
%
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
one can see only a very few things at once.
-- Fred Brooks
%
The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
-- Max Lerner
%
The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.
He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"
-- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
%
The solution of problems is the most characteristic
and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
-- William James
%
The solution of this problem is trivial
and is left as an exercise for the reader.
%
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
-- Peer
%
The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
the table as the children gathered around him.
He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
There was total silence.
He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
Total silence.
Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
%
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
%
The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
In town a noun might wear a gown,
or further down, might dress a clown.
A noun that's sound would never clown,
but unsound nouns jump up and down.
The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
But please don't let that get you down,
the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
-- A. Nonnie Mouse
%
The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
-- Dennis Miller
%
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
%
The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
reality.
-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%
The star of riches is shining upon you.
%
The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
back by years.
-- Douglas Adams
%
The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
%
The steady state of disks is full.
-- Ken Thompson
%
The story of the butterfly:
"I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
the third day, I heard a knock."
"I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
there was nothing."
"Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
-- Peter Carey, BLISS
%
The story you are about to hear is true.
Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
%
The street preacher looked so baffled
When I asked him why he dressed
With forty pounds of headlines
Stapled to his chest.
But he cursed me when I proved to him
I said, "Not even you can hide.
You see, you're just like me.
I hope you're satisfied."
-- Bob Dylan
%
The streets were dark with something more than night.
-- Raymond Chandler
%
The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
%
The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
%
The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
by the values he wills.
-- Nietzsche
%
The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
-- The Silver Surfer
%
The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
The population is, of course, growing.
%
The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
-- RKO
%
The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
-- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
%
The superior man understands what is right;
the inferior man understands what will sell.
-- Confucius
%
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
speak of the room.
-- Henry Kissinger
%
The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
%
The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
%
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
-- Nietzsche
%
The surest way to remain a winner is to
win once, and then not play any more.
%
The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
Scratch a lover and find a foe!
-- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
%
The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
%
The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
%
The Tao doesn't take sides;
it gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn't take sides;
she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
The Tao is like a stack:
the data changes but not the structure.
the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
Hold on to the root.
%
The Tao is like a glob pattern:
used but never used up.
It is like the extern void:
filled with infinite possibilities.
It is masked but always present.
I don't know who built to it.
It came before the first kernel.
%
The tao that can be tar(1)ed
is not the entire Tao.
The path that can be specified
is not the Full Path.
We declare the names
of all variables and functions.
Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
Yet magic and hierarchy
arise from the same source,
and this source has a null pointer.
Reference the NULL within NULL,
it is the gateway to all wizardry.
%
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
them a drink.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
%
The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
%
The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
most untechnician-like manner.
7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
her in other ways.
%
The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
-- Kenny's Korner
%
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%
The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Aldo Leopold
%
The thing that takes up the least amount of time
and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
%
The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
%
The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
want the job.
-- Ronald Reagan in 1973
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
would have lost.
-- Mort Sahl
Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
-- Gore Vidal
Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
I need a lot of sleep.
-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
accurately it's called mudslinging.
-- Walter Mondale
%
The Thought Police are here. They've come
To put you under cardiac arrest.
And as they drag you through the door
They tell you that you've failed the test.
-- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
%
The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
%
The three biggest software lies:
1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
will fix the microcode.
3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
%
THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
1) Where's the bathroom?
2) What time does the parade start?
3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
%
The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
The three rules of international air travel:
(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
know *exactly* what you're doing.
(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
%
The thrill is here, but it won't last long
You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
%
The time for action is past!
Now is the time for senseless bickering.
%
The time is right to make new friends.
%
The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
-- C.N. Parkinson
%
The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
brought."
-- Alistair Cooke
%
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
-- Hosea Ballou
%
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
%
The tree of research must from time to time
be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
-- Alan Kay
%
The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
-- Little Big Man
%
The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
%
The trouble with computers is that they do
what you tell them, not what you want.
-- D. Cohen
%
The trouble with eating Italian food is that
five or six days later you're hungry again.
-- George Miller
%
The trouble with heart disease is that the first
symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
-- Michael Phelps
%
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
-- George S. Kaufman
%
The trouble with money is it costs too much!
%
The trouble with opportunity is that it
always comes disguised as hard work.
-- Herbert V. Prochnow
%
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
and then marry him.
-- Cher
%
The trouble with some women is that they get
all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
-- Cher
%
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
the other fellow of a dull one.
-- Sid Caesar
%
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-- Lily Tomlin
%
The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
all of the people all of the time.
-- Franklin Adams
%
The trouble with you
Is the trouble with me.
Got two good eyes
But we still don't see.
-- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
%
The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
people stumble than to be walked upon.
-- Franz Kafka
%
The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
-- Andre Malraux
%
The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
-- Stanley Kubrick
%
The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
-- Caltech
%
The truth you speak has no past and no future.
It is, and that's all it needs to be.
%
The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
-- Dorothy Parker
%
The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
-- I.F. Stone
%
The two things that can get you into trouble
quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
%
The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
Eh?
So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh?
And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
Eh?
-- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
Beauty!
%
The ultimate game show will be the one
where somebody gets killed at the end.
-- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
%
The unfacts, did we have them, are too
imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
%
The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
%
The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
%
The universe is an island,
surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
%
The universe is laughing behind your back.
%
The Universe is populated by stable things.
-- Richard Dawkins
%
The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
It cannot be ruled by interfering.
-- Chinese proverb
%
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
-- Sagan
%
The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
and deviation standard.
%
The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
%
The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
that I assume it must be evil.
-- Heywood Broun
%
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
is a symptom of professional immaturity.
-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
-- B. Franklin
%
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
%
The very first essential for success is a perpetually
constant and regular employment of violence.
-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
facts that needs altering.
-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
%
The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
-- John Wayne
%
The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
-- Jerry Brown
%
The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
%
The wages of sin are unreported.
%
The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
Constitution.
%
The warning message we sent the Russians was a
calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
-- Alexander Haig
%
The water was not fit to drink.
To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
-- W. Churchill
%
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
-- Emo Philips
%
The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
-- Nathaniel Howe
%
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
%
The way to a man's heart is through his
wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
-- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
%
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
%
The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
%
The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
%
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
%
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
%
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
I feel together today!
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
%
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
%
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
but the leaves are good to smoke!
-- The Shadow
%
The white race is the cancer of history.
-- Susan Sontag
%
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
-- Wavy Gravy
%
The whole of life is futile unless you
consider it as a sporting proposition.
%
The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
-- Peter Beard
%
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
-- George Gobel
%
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
%
The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
should.
-- W.C. Fields
%
The wise man seeks everything in himself;
the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
%
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
%
The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
"Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
to get up in the morning!"
%
The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
%
The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
-- Paul Licker
%
The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
designed for people who walk on their hands.
-- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
%
The world is a comedy to those who think,
and a tragedy to those who feel.
-- Horace Walpole
%
The world is full of people who have never, since
childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
-- E.B. White
%
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
-- E. Hubbard
%
The world is not octal despite DEC.
%
The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
%
The world really isn't any worse.
It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
%
The world wants to be deceived.
-- Sebastian Brant
%
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
%
The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
nor its great scholars great men.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
The Worst American Poet
Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
pen.
Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
formula was the same:
Have you heard of the dreadful fate
Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
Of their death I will relate,
And also others lost their life
(in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
Where so many people died.
Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
and killed it.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
was a practical joke.
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
trapped in the revolving doors again.
%
The Worst Car Hire Service
When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
"If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
we might overlook that too."
"Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
ash tray."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The worst is enemy of the bad.
%
The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
-- King Lear
%
The Worst Jury
A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
remotest clue what was happening.
The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
was hearing a murder trial.
The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
The judge ordered a retrial.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Worst Lines of Verse
For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
"Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
laughter the instant they were read out.
No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
inspired by the subject of war.
"Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
And the grey roof reddened and rang;
Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
"... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
"The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
"And I was ask'd and authorized to go
To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
"So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
While in this world, are liable to leak."
And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
describing a pond:
"I've measured it from side to side;
Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Worst Musical Trio
There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
unhampered by great musical talent.
Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
"Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
"and it will be a sell out."
Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
asked for someone to turn his pages.
In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
volunteered and made his way to the stage.
The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The worst part of having success is trying
to find someone who is happy for you.
-- Bette Midler
%
The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
%
The Worst Prison Guards
The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
near Lisbon in Portugal.
During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
the next morning.
"We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
are sober.
-- William Butler Yeats
%
The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
-- David Viscott
%
The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
They were just the first not to crash.
%
The yankees, son, are up north.
The damnyankees are down here.
%
The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
"Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
"Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
%
The young lady had an unusual list,
Linked in part to a structural weakness.
She set no preconditions.
%
The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
"What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
they only charge $1 a ball!"
"Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
rooms."
%
THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
%
Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
and you'd better not refuse.
%
Them as has, gets.
%
Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
-- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
%
Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
right.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
%
Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
to the "W" on the dial.
Moral:
He who has a Tates is lost!
%
"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
"I'll put `maybe.'"
-- Bloom County
%
Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
%
Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
(positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
Proceed by induction:
If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
So A = B.
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
(A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
%
Theorem: All programs are dull.
Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
THEORY:
System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
it will look in print.
%
Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
-- Goethe
%
Theory of Selective Supervision:
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
the one time the boss walks through the office.
%
There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
He speaks with a commanding voice:
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
%
There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
-- Harvey Wheeler
%
There are a few things that never go out of style,
and a feminine woman is one of them.
-- Ralston
%
There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
-- Winston Churchill
%
There are bad times just around the corner,
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
And it's no good whining
About a silver lining
For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
-- Noel Coward
%
There are few people more often in the wrong
than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
%
There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
-- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
%
There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
cannot know a woman, the divorce.
-- Norman Mailer
%
There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the
two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell
the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the
results.
%
There are many intelligent species in
the universe, and they all own cats.
%
There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
get it in the winter.
-- Bat Masterson
%
There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
avoiding a great deal of pain.
%
There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
-- Eugene Ionesco
%
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
%
There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
%
There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-- Hamlet
%
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
%
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
%
There are new messages.
%
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
-- Baba Ram Dass
%
There are no answers, only cross-references.
-- Weiner
%
There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
%
There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
-- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
%
There are no great men, only great challenges that
ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
-- Admiral William Halsey
%
There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
-- The Duke of Wellington
%
There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
%
There are no winners in life, only survivors.
%
There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
-- Helen Rowland
%
There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
%
There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
-- shades
%
There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
people who find nothing odd about it.
-- Calvin Trillin
%
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed.
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I've loved them all.
But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compared with you,
All these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I'll love you more.
-- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
%
There are running jobs.
Why don't you go chase them?
%
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.
-- Robert W. Service
%
There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
-- David Nichols
%
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
%
There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
long winter evenings.
-- Quentin Crisp
%
There are three rules for writing a novel.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-- Maugham
%
There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
%
There are three things I have always loved
and never understood -- art, music, and women.
%
There are three things men can do with women:
love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
-- Stephen Stills
%
There are twenty-five people left in the world,
and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
-- Ed Sanders
%
There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
"It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
you?"
"Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
"Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
Man it is smokin'!"
"Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
tell me more!"
"Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
"The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
%
There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
%
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
%
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
%
There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
%
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
marriage and after marriage.
%
There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- C.A.R. Hoare
%
There are two ways of disliking art.
One is to dislike it.
The other is to like it rationally.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
There are very few personal problems that cannot be
solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
%
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman?
-- Woody Allen
%
There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
together we'll face the world.
-- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
%
There but for the grace of God, goes God.
-- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
%
There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
-- Ralph Nader
%
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
-- Henry Kissinger
%
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
-- W.C. Fields
%
There comes a time to stop being angry.
-- A Small Circle of Friends
%
There goes the good time that was had by all.
-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
%
There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
permissions for everyone, you could say
#define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
from its uses.
To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
-- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
%
There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
%
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
%
There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
elevator with one other person from each floor?
A: The elevator would be full.
%
There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
%
There is a fly on your nose.
%
There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
each other's throat.
-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
%
There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
wooden toilet seats.
It's called the Birch John Society.
%
There is a time in the tides of men,
Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
On the other hand, don't count on it.
-- T.K. Lawson
%
There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
-- Helen Rowland
%
There is always more hell that needs raising.
-- Lauren Leveut
%
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
somebody out.
-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
%
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
%
There is always something new out of Africa.
-- Gaius Plinius Secundus
%
There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
-- Mark Twain
%
There is brutality and there is honesty.
There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
%
There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
-- Darwin
%
There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
%
There is in certain living souls
A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
So great it must be shared
As company is shared by lesser beings.
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
That in immensity
There is one lonelier than you.
%
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
even highly probable.
-- H.L. Mencken, 1930
%
There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
-- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
%
There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
and we will conquer. Follow me.
-- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
%
There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
-- G.K. Chesterton
%
There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
man who eats Grape-Nuts on principle.
-- G.K. Chesterton
%
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
-- Mahatma Gandhi
%
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
-- Mohandas K. Gandhi
%
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
-- Darth Vader
%
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
always enough time to do it over.
%
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
%
There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
%
There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
%
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
-- Jean Giraudoux
%
"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
striving of the human race"
-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
There is no comfort without pain; thus
we define salvation through suffering.
-- Cato
%
There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
-- George Santayana
%
There is no delight the equal of dread.
As long as it is somebody else's.
--Clive Barker
%
There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
%
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
as 'unearned income.'
-- Michael Lara
%
There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
%
There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
-- Filthy Rich and Catflap
%
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
%
There is no fool to the old fool.
-- John Heywood
%
There is no future in time travel.
%
There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
%
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
-- Ernest Hemingway
%
There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
%
There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
-- George Francis Gillette
%
There is no point in waiting.
The train stopped running years ago.
All the schedules, the brochures,
The bright-colored posters full of lies,
Promise rides to a distant country
That no longer exists.
%
There is no proverb that is not true.
-- Cervantes
%
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
-- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
%
There is no royal road to geometry.
-- Euclid
%
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
%
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
-- General Douglas MacArthur
%
There is no sin but ignorance.
-- Christopher Marlowe
%
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
%
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
%
There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
%
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
%
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
%
There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
-- Christian Dior
%
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
some anxiety always goes with it.
%
There is no time like the pleasant.
%
There is no time like the present
for postponing what you ought to be doing.
%
There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
live as cheap as the people.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
-- Augier
%
There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
%
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
-- Churchill
%
There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
-- Marie Antoinette
%
There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
when you do it reluctantly.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
comes to visit.
%
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
%
There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
%
There is one difference between a tax collector and
a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
-- Mortimer Caplan
%
There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
"Yes" you know he is crooked.
-- Groucho Marx
%
There is only one thing in the world worse than being
talked about, and that is not being talked about.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
-- Paul Bourget
%
There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
-- Robert Heinlein
%
There is only one way to kill capitalism --
by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
-- Karl Marx
%
There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
and that word is blackmail.
-- Colm Brogan
%
There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
-- James Boswell
%
There is something in the pang of change
More than the heart can bear,
Unhappiness remembering happiness.
-- Euripides
%
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
%
There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
%
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
who do not.
-- Robert Benchley
%
There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
States; of course, I never heard the story before.
%
There must be more to life than having everything.
-- Maurice Sendak
%
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
-- B. Franklin
%
There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
to the prince:
"If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
what would your decision be, my son?"
The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
The king knew that his son would be a great king.
%
There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
to the prince:
"If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
what would your decision be, my son?"
The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
that I had promised."
The king knew that his son would be a great king.
%
There seems no plan because it is all plan.
-- C.S. Lewis
%
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good
And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
-- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
%
There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
"Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
%
There was a phone call for you.
%
There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
insupportable.
-- Kurt Vonnegut
%
There was a young man from Brazil,
And a lady who'd not take the pill,
They lay on the sofa,
And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~
n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o
8]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~
%
There was a young man from LeDoux,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
There was a young man from Verdunne.
[Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
%
There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.
%
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
-- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
%
There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
should I do?"
"Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
"Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
he tells the counterman.
The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
"You must be from New York."
The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
you know?"
"Because this is a hardware store."
%
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a lift home from office.
%
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
%
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
%
There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
-- Lily Tomlin
%
Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
-- Machiavelli
%
There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
-- Shirley Povich, 1941
%
There's a lesson that I need to remember
When everything is falling apart
In life, just like in loving
There's such a thing as trying to hard
You've gotta sing
Like you don't need the money
Love like you'll never get hurt
You've gotta dance
Like nobody's watching
It's gotta come from the heart
If you want it to work.
-- Kathy Mattea
%
There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
%
There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
%
There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
The corporation that we represent.
We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
Of that man of men our sterling president
The name of T.J. Watson means
A courage none can stem
And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
%
There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
along -- quite gracefully.
-- Ellen Goodman
%
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
-- Doug Clifford
%
There's always free cheese in a mouse trap.
%
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
to me.
-- John Wayne
%
There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.
I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it
didn't do anything to me.
-- John Wayne
%
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
%
There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
%
There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
%
There's no justice in this world.
-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
the assassination of Schultz instead)
%
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
-- Raoul Duke
%
There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
%
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
what you're talking about.
-- John von Neumann
%
There's no such thing as a free lunch.
-- Milton Friendman
%
There's no such thing as an original sin.
-- Elvis Costello
%
There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
%
There's no time like the pleasant.
%
There's no use being precise about something
when you don't even know what you're talking about.
-- John von Neumann
%
There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
%
There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
neckline to keep a man on his toes.
%
There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
his wife.
-- Clare Booth Luce
%
There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
%
There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
%
There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
-- J.S. Bach
%
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
and open a vein.
-- Red Smith
%
There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
%
There's nothing worse for your business than
extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
-- W. Bossert
%
There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
always see somebody who did worse.
-- Warren H. Goldsmith
%
There's one fool at least in every married couple.
%
There's only one everything.
%
There's small choice in rotten apples.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
%
There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
-- G. Gordon Liddy
%
There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
%
There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
-- Richard Le Gallienne
%
These activities have their own rules and methods
of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
%
They also serve who only stand and wait.
-- John Milton
%
They also surf who only stand on waves.
%
They are called computers simply because computation is
the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
%
They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
-- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
%
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
when they can see nothing but sea.
-- Francis Bacon
%
They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
%
They call them "squares" because it's the
most complicated shape they can deal with.
%
They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
-- The Blues Brothers
%
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
%
They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
only want to count to two.
-- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
%
They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
-- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
question about the suffering of starving miners.
%
They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
%
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
%
They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
-- Richard Nixon
%
They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
learn this particular lesson.
-- Richard Stallman
%
They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
then we take Berlin.
I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
-- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
%
They told me you had proven it
About a month before.
The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try
But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed
And after we were done, to them
The new proof would be mailed.
My notion was to start again
Ignoring all they'd done
We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results
To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl
Instead of understanding it
We'd run the thing through PRL.
Don't tell a soul about all this
For it must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest
Between yourself and me.
%
They took some of the Van Goghs, most
of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
%
They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
%
They use different words for things in America.
For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
They say drapes and we say curtains.
They say president and we say brain damaged git.
-- Alexie Sayle
%
They went rushing down that freeway,
Messed around and got lost.
They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
And it was life in the fast lane.
-- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
%
They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
-- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
%
They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
The man said "We got all that we can use",
So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
-- Jim Croce
%
They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
for freedom.
-- Stig's Inferno
%
They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
-- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
%
They're just jealous because they don't have three
wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
-- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
%
Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
%
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
-- Dwight Eisenhower
%
Things are not always what they seem.
-- Phaedrus
%
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
%
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
%
Things past redress and now with me past care.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
-- Will Rogers
%
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
%
Think big.
Pollute the Mississippi.
%
Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
-- Darrell Royal
%
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
%
Think sideways!
-- Ed De Bono
%
Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
%
Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
Have made my days and nights imperishable,
Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
%
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
when the hostess has only twelve chops.
-- Groucho Marx
%
Thirty white horses on a red hill,
First they champ,
Then they stamp,
Then they stand still.
-- Tolkien
%
This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
Everye nighte and alle,
Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
And Christe receive thy saule.
-- The Lykewake Dirge
%
This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
%
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
-- Found on a door in the MSU music building
%
This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
%
This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
%
This fortune intentionally says nothing.
%
This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
%
This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
%
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
%
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
%
This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
%
This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
We have emotional moving vans.
-- Bruce Feirstein
%
This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
bags! I just won the California lottery!"
"Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
of the house by dinner!"
%
This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
%
This is a good time to punt work.
%
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
%
This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
%
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
and not enough hunchbacks.
%
This is for all ill-treated fellows
Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
And I am not.
-- A.E. Housman
%
This is Jim Rockford.
At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
%
This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
%
This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
I don't talk to machines! [Click]
%
This is NOT a repeat.
%
This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
-- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
%
This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
%
This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
and come alone. I'm serious!
%
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
-- Arthur Clarke
%
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
-- Winston Churchill
%
This is the theory that Jack built.
This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
%
This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
And now you know why.
%
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang but with a whimper.
-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
%
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
-- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
%
This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
been called by others the fiddle factor..."
-- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
%
This land is my land, and only my land,
I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
This land is private property.
-- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
%
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
actual life, you would have received further instructions as
to what to do and where to go.
%
This life is yours. Some of it was given
to you; the rest, you made yourself.
%
This login session: $13.99
%
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
%
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
don't actually hurt.
One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
man enough to take me on?"
The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
%
This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
got to find a way off this planet.
%
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
%
This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
-- Lazarus Long
%
This screen intentionally left blank.
%
This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
%
This sentence no verb.
%
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
%
This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.
%
This unit... must... survive.
%
This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
contents may have occurred during shipment.
%
This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
-- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
%
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
This was terrible with raisins in it.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
%
This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
and was lying about twenty feet away.
There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
%
Those lovable Brits department:
They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
%
Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
%
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
at are called software.
-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
Literacy for the 1990's.
%
Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
-- W.S. Krabill
%
Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
Silly Putty.
-- Dennis Rawlins
%
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
%
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
%
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
-- George Santayana
%
Those who can't write, write manuals.
%
Those who claim the dead never return
to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
%
Those who do things in a noble spirit of
self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
-- N. Alexander.
%
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
-- Aristotle
%
Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
Often have a share in their misfortunes.
-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
%
Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
world is love. The poor know that it is money.
-- Gerald Brenan
%
Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
The highest rung. In his bung.
Because in life they prayed so ill
And offered god such swinish swill
Now they sweat in flames of hell
Sweat from lack of APL
Sweat dung!
%
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
%
Thou hast seen nothing yet.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
%
Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
be maintained.
-- The Tao of Programming
%
Though I respect that a lot
I'd be fired if that were my job
After killing Jason off and
Countless screaming argonauts
Bluebird of friendliness
Like guardian angels it's
Always near
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
-- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
%
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
%
Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
-- Trollope
%
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
"Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
"Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
"Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
service station," said the Missourian.
"Wrong."
"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
"CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
"Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
%
Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
-- A.E. Houseman
%
Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
-- Jean-Paul Sartre
%
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
%
Three rules for sounding like an expert:
1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
2. Always point out second-order effects,
but never point out when they can be ignored.
3. Come up with three rules of your own.
%
Throw away documentation and manuals,
and users will be a hundred times happier.
Throw away privileges and quotas,
and users will do the Right Thing.
Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
and there won't be any pirating.
If these three aren't enough,
just stay at your home directory
and let all processes take their course.
%
Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
-- Bertrand Russell
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
"A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
is its own hell."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
"Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
be productive."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
be maintained."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
"Time for you to leave."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
"When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
"When you have learned to snatch the error code from
the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
"Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
hardware is useless."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
can't make him computer literate."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thyme's Law:
Everything goes wrong at once.
%
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
is the English way
Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
Or half a page of scribbled lines
-- Pink Floyd, "Time"
%
Tiddely Quiddely
Edward M. Kennedy
Quite unaccountably
Drove in a stream.
Pleas of amnesia
Incomprehensible
Possibly shattered
Political dream.
%
Tiger got to hunt,
Bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
Tiger got to sleep,
Bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand.
-- The Books of Bokonon
%
Time and tide wait for no man.
%
Time as he grows old teaches all things.
-- Aeschylus
%
Time goes, you say?
Ah no!
Time stays, *we* go.
-- Austin Dobson
%
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
-- Hector Berlioz
%
Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so.
-- Ford Prefect
%
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
%
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Time is nature's way of making sure that
everything doesn't happen at once.
Space is nature's way of making sure that
everything doesn't happen to you.
%
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
-- Theophrastus
%
Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
%
Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
%
Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
%
Time to take stock.
Go home with some office supplies.
%
Time washes clean
Love's wounds unseen.
That's what someone told me;
But I don't know what it means.
-- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
%
Time will end all my troubles,
but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
%
Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
%
timesharing, n:
An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
%
Timing must be perfect now.
Two-timing must be better than perfect.
%
Tip of the Day:
Never fry bacon in the nude.
%
Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
-- J. LeBoutillier
%
Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
they would ordinarily.
There is no music in space.
People will pay to watch people make sounds.
Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
%
TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
"Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
never been easier."
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
%
Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
%
'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
stopping at red lights are both optional.
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
to spend a few days there.
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
Swedes speak better English."
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
thousand.
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
-- Epictetus
%
To add insult to injury.
-- Phaedrus
%
To any truly impartial person, it would
be obvious that I am always right.
%
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
-- Elbert Hubbard
%
To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
-- Shelley
%
To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
-- Thackeray
%
To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
%
To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
-- Confucius
%
To be great is to be misunderstood.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
and not be happy.
-- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
%
To be is to be related.
-- C.J. Keyser.
%
To be is to do.
-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Do be a Do Bee!
-- Miss Connie, Romper Room
Do be do be do!
-- F. Sinatra
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-- F. Flintstone
%
To be loved is very demoralizing.
-- Katharine Hepburn
%
to be nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else
means to fight the hardest battle
any human being can fight and
never stop fighting.
-- e.e. cummings
%
To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
%
To be or not to be.
-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
-- Sinatra
%
To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
%
To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own.
-- Lionel Strachey
%
To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
-- Golda Meir
%
To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
%
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
%
To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
%
To be wise, the only thing you really need
to know is when to say "I don't know."
%
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
To write those routines
To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest,
And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
destined to lose,
Still strove with his last allocation
To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
-- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
%
To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
-- AT&T
%
To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
-- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
%
To craunch a marmoset.
-- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
%
To criticize the incompetent is easy;
it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
%
To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
-- Senator Edmund Muskie
%
To do nothing is to be nothing.
%
To do two things at once is to do neither.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
-- H. Poincare
%
To err is human -- but it feels divine.
-- Mae West
%
To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
%
To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
%
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
%
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
%
To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
%
To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
%
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
%
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
%
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
-- MIT Assassination Club
%
To err is human, to forgive unusual.
%
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
To err is human.
To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
%
To err is human,
To purr feline.
-- Robert Byrne
%
To err is humor.
%
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
%
To fear love is to fear life, and those
who fear life are already three parts dead.
-- Bertrand Russell
%
To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
-- Norman Douglas
%
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
%
To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
%
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
persons, two of them absent.
%
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
%
To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
%
To have died once is enough.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
To hell with the Prime Directive;
Let's KILL something!
%
To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
-- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
%
To keep your friends treat them kindly;
to kill them, treat them often.
%
To know Edina is to reject it.
-- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
%
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
%
To lead people, you must follow behind.
-- Lao Tsu
%
To listen to some devout people,
one would imagine that God never laughs.
-- Sri Aurobindo
%
To love is good, love being difficult.
%
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
%
To make tax forms true they should
read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
%
To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
-- St. Augustine
%
TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus and a clown killed my dad.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
bitters. Shake.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
%
To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
-- 19th century toast
%
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
%
To restore a sense of reality, I think
Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
-- Jack Paar
%
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
%
To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
-- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
%
To say you got a vote of confidence
would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
-- Andrew Young
%
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
%
To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
mind over matter; quite.
-- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
%
To see you is to sympathize.
%
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
the job will take the longest and cost the most.
%
To stand and be still,
At the Birkenhead drill,
Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
-- Rudyard Kipling
%
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
%
To stay youthful, stay useful.
%
To teach is to learn.
%
To teach is to learn twice.
-- Joseph Joubert
%
To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
%
To Theodore Roosevelt:
You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
Lord of the Riff
Sultan to the Berbers
Last of the Barbary Pirates
%
To thine own self be true.
(If not that, at least make some money.)
%
To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
madness.
-- Eugene Ionesco
%
TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
receiving said benefit.
I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
%
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
%
To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
%
To use violence is to already be defeated.
-- Chinese proverb
%
To whom the mornings are like nights,
What must the midnights be!
-- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
%
To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
and take by force a satisfying mesh.
Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
You are the master here, and they the slaves.
Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
What use are words that drive not to the heart?
A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
and choose more docile words to take its part.
A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
by making love directly to the brain.
%
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
-- Woody Allen
%
Tobacco is a filthy weed,
That from the devil does proceed;
It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
And makes a chimney of your nose.
-- B. Waterhouse
%
TODAY:
A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
%
Today is a good day for information-gathering.
Read someone else's mail file.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
%
Today is the last day of your life so far.
%
Today is what happened to yesterday.
%
Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
boarder.
%
Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
%
Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
-- H.S. Thompson
%
Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
%
Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
-- Gore Vidal
%
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
%
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
%
Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
-- DEC
%
Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
Don't forget to leave a tip.
%
Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
%
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
driving cabs and cutting hair.
-- George Burns
%
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Too cool to calypso,
Too tough to tango,
Too weird to watusi
-- The Only Ones
%
Too Late
A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
-- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
%
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
They seem more afraid of life than death.
-- James F. Byrnes
%
Too much is just enough.
-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
%
Too much is not enough.
%
Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
-- Instrument News
[Once is too often. Ed.]
%
Too ripped. Gotta go.
%
Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
%
Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
#pragma is for.
7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
hard to write.
6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
%
Topologists are just plane folks.
Pilots are just plane folks.
Carpenters are just plane folks.
Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
Musicians are just playin' folks.
Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
%
Torque is cheap.
%
Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
%
TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
%
Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
-- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
%
Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
-- David Letterman
%
Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
-- A. Gide
%
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
-- David Letterman
%
TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
%
TRANSFER:
A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
%
TRANSPARENT:
Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
"It's there, but you can't see it"
-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
VIRTUAL:
Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
"I can see it, but it's not there."
-- Lady Macbeth.
%
TRANSVESTITE:
Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
%
Trap full -- please empty.
%
TRAVEL:
Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
%
Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
-- Han Solo
%
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
for a short spell?"
%
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
-- Charles DeGaulle
%
Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
-- Michelangelo
%
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
%
Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
%
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
a brand new series of three.
%
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
%
True happiness will be found only in true love.
%
True leadership is the art of changing
a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
-- Virginia Allan
%
True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
-- David Mamet
%
Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
-- Norman Augustine
%
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
-- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
%
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
-- Arabian proverb
%
TRUST ME:
Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
%
TRUST ME:
Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
%
Trust your husband, adore your husband,
and get as much as you can in your own name.
-- Joan Rivers
%
Truth can wait; he's used to it.
%
Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
-- Albert Schweitzer
%
Truth is free, but information costs.
%
Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
%
"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
%
Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
of him that brought her birth.
-- Milton
%
try again
%
Try not.
Do.
Or do not.
There is no try.
%
Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
%
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
%
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
%
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
%
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
%
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
specification is that it should run noiselessly.
%
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
%
Trying to get an education here is like
trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
%
T-shirt:
Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
%
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
%
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
%
Turn on, tune in, and take over.
-- Tim Leary
%
Turn the other cheek.
-- Jesus Christ
%
'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
and I never even had the decency to thank her.
-- R.B. Gossling
%
"Twas bergen and the eirie road
Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
Long time the folsom foe he sought
Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
Came whippany through the englewood,
One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
and through
The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
He caldwell in his joy.
Did mahwah into patterson:
All jersey were the ocean groves,
And the red bank bayonne.
-- Paul Kieffer
%
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came!
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two!
The jaws that bite, and through and through
the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head,
And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back.
He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogroves
-- Lewis Carroll
%
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird,
He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
Long time the manxome foe he sought.
So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogroves
And the mome raths outgrabe.
-- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
%
'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
Came waffling with the truth too good,
Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
and through
The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
And mammon's wrath them bash!
-- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
%
'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
-- Midnight On The Ocean
%
'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
A satellite spotted him making his way.
The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
Was ready for action, and started to fire!
The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
If the crazy contraption would work very well.
So after a trillion or two had been spent
The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
%
Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
%
Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
"Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
collision course with that ship.
The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
degrees!"
"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
course 20 degrees."
By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
battleship, change course 20 degrees."
Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
We changed course.
-- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
%
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
%
Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
the movies!"
%
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
knows when to stop."
%
Two heads are better than one.
-- John Heywood
%
Two heads are more numerous than one.
%
Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
%
Two is company, three is an orgy.
%
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
%
Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!"
The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
"For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
%
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
%
Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
"Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
dry side.
"So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
"What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
%
Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
%
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
%
Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
%
Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
"No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
%
Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
I forget the second.
%
Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
toasts him, "Skoal!"
The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
%
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
-- Kohn
%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
-- Thomas Szasz
%
Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Could fetch it from the furnace deep
And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
In the well of sanguine woe?
In what clay & in what mould
Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
-- William Blake, "The Tyger"
%
Type louder, please.
%
Udall's Fourth Law:
Any change or reform you make
is going to have consequences you don't like.
%
Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
%
Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
Sorry for the confusion.
-- Sun Microsystems
%
Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
coughing and drops dead.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
ordinance under which you can be booked.
-- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
%
Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under communism, it's just the opposite.
-- J.K. Galbraith
%
Under every stone lurks a politician.
-- Aristophanes
%
Under the wide an starry sky,
Dig my grave and let me lie,
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And laid me down with a will,
And this be the verse that you grave for me,
Here he lies where he longed to be,
Home is the sailor home from the sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.
-- R. Kipling
%
Under the wide and heavy VAX
Dig my grave and let me relax
Long have I lived, and many my hacks
And I lay me down with a will.
These be the words that tell the way:
"Here he lies who piped 64K,
Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
%
understand, v:
To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
basis of your own internal model instead.
%
Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
in relation to a bigger problem.
-- P.D. Ouspensky
%
UNFAIR COMPETITION:
Selling cheaper than we do.
%
Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
-- Jon Bentley
%
Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
-- Bertolt Brecht
%
UNION:
A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
%
Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
%
UNIVERSITY:
Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
you how to fix it, and...
[Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
%
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
-- Henry Kissinger
%
UNIX enhancements aren't.
%
Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
of more feet, just to be sure.
-- Eric Allman
... We make rope.
-- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
%
Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
-- E. Post
"Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
%
Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
-- Donn Seeley
%
UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
-- Michael Jay Tucker
%
UNIX is many things to many people,
but it's never been everything to anybody.
%
Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
-- Berry Kercheval
%
Unix, n:
A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
with the workstation harem.
%
UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
would also stop you from doing clever things.
-- Doug Gwyn
%
Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
%
Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
-- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
%
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
-- William Shakespeare
%
Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
-- E.E. Cummings
%
Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
-- Edward Gibbon
%
Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
-- Richard Amour
%
UNTOLD WEALTH:
What you left out on April 15th.
%
Up against the net, redneck mother,
Mother who has raised your son so well;
He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
%
Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
%
Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
%
Use a pun, go to jail.
%
Use an accordion. Go to jail.
-- KFOG, San Francisco
%
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
-- Henry Van Dyke
%
USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
more labor and less oratory.
-- Elizabeth Haley
%
User hostile.
%
user, n:
The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
%
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
-- Tom Robbins
%
/usr/news/gotcha
%
Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
-- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
%
VACATION:
A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
life-style to recuperate.
%
Van Roy's Law:
Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
Van Roy's Truism:
Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
%
Variables don't; constants aren't.
%
Vax Vobiscum
%
Vegetables are what food eats.
Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
Fish are fast moving vegetables.
Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
%
Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
%
Veni, Vidi, VISA:
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
%
Verba volant, scripta manent!
%
Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
-- E.F. Benson
%
Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
thirty-five.
-- Joel Hildebrand
%
Very few profundities can be expressed in fewer than 80 characters.
%
Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
is presumably working on it.
%
Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
-- Herodotus
%
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
%
VI:
A hungry dog hunts best.
A hungrier dog hunts even better.
VII:
Decreased business base increases overhead.
So does increased business base.
VIII:
The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
is fifth grade arithmetic.
IX:
Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
X:
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
-- Norman Augustine
%
Victory uber allies!
%
Viking, n:
1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
in the 9th century.
Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
property.
%
Vini, vidi, vici.
[I came, I saw, I conquered].
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
%
"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
%
Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
%
Violence is molding.
%
Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
-- Tom Robbins
%
VIRGINIA:
A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
%
Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
only the willingness to make it when necessary.
-- Frederick Dunn
%
Virtue is its own punishment.
-- Denniston
Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
-- Aneurin Bevan
%
Virtue is not left to stand alone.
He who practices it will have neighbors.
-- Confucius
%
Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
-- La Rochefoucauld
%
Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
%
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
%
Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
-- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
%
VMS, n:
The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
%
VMS version 2.0 ==>
%
Voiceless it cries,
Wingless flutters,
Toothless bites,
Mouthless mutters.
%
VOLCANO:
A mountain with hiccups.
%
Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
And to him who's scientific
There is nothing that's terrific
In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
-- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
%
Volley Theory:
It is better to have lobbed and lost
than never to have lobbed at all.
%
Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
%
Vote early and vote often.
-- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
%
VUJA DE:
The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
%
Wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us.
-- R. Browning
%
Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
-- Pericles
%
Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
Make our country well again, respected by the world.
Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
-- Pansy Myers Schroeder
%
Wake up and smell the coffee.
-- Ann Landers
%
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
%
Walk softly and carry a big stick.
-- Theodore Roosevelt
%
Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
-- Jack Kerouac
%
Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
Garp: Gradual school?
Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
gradual school.
Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
-- The World According To Garp
%
Walters' Rule:
All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
on a plane that left Gate 1.
%
Wanna buy a duck?
%
Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
swimmin' pools; movie stars.
%
War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
%
War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
%
War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
-- Desiderius Erasmus
%
War is like love, it always finds a way.
-- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
%
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
-- Clemenceau
%
War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
-- Anacreon
%
WARNING!
This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
things to the terminal.
%
Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
Survivors will be shot again.
%
WARNING!!!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
See also: flog(1), tm(1)
%
Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
There was a time they could cry over books,
But time has set its maggot on their track.
Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
What's never known is safest in this life.
Under the skysigns they who have no arms
Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
-- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
%
Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
%
Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
%
[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
-- Ada Louise Huxtable
%
Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
%
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
-- Euripides
%
Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
%
Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
-- Han Solo
%
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
-- Mark Twain
%
Watership Down:
You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
%
WE:
The single most important word in the world.
%
We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
when it's necessary to compromise.
-- Larry Wall
%
We all declare for liberty, but in using the
same word we do not all mean the same thing.
-- A. Lincoln
%
We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
%
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
%
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
%
We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
%
We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
%
We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
before we are fit to participate in society.
-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
Correct Behaviour"
%
We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
%
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
-- Samuel Beckett
%
We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
%
We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
-- A. Schweitzer
%
We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
-- Ray Bradbury
%
We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
%
We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
own facts.
-- Patrick Moynihan
%
We are each only one drop in a great
ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
%
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
%
We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
-- J.Hoover
%
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
%
We are not a clone.
%
We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
-- John Fisher
%
We are not alone.
%
We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
-- Victor Hugo
%
We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
Manual.
-- Andrew Hume
%
We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
%
We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
-- Jonathan Swift
%
We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
This is a recording.
%
We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
the substance that cast them.
%
We are the people our parents warned us about.
%
We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
-- GI in Vietnam, 1970
%
We are what we are.
%
We are what we pretend to be.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
-- Yates
%
We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
-- Sir Francis Bacon
%
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
-- Calvin Coolidge
%
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
-- Richard Nixon
%
We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
feet and go skating.
-- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
%
We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
beautiful Universe, Our home.
-- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
%
We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
%
We don't care how they do it in New York.
%
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-- James Watt, noted theologian
%
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
%
We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
that it wasn't a fish.
-- Marshall McLuhan
%
We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
-- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
%
We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
-- Pink Floyd
%
We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
Chorus: (Chorus)
Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
(Chorus) (Chorus)
-- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
%
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
%
We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
-- Walter Summers
%
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
%
We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
hammer.
-- Charles Darwin
%
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
-- La Rochefoucauld
%
We gotta get out of this place,
If it's the last thing we ever do.
-- The Animals
%
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
%
We have art that we do not die of the truth.
-- Nietzsche
%
We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
%
We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
-- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
%
We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
-- Carl Sagan
%
We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
than from the machinations of the wicked.
%
We have no scorched earth policy.
We have a policy of scorched Communists.
-- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
%
We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
our children.
%
We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
-- Margaret Mead
%
We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
-- John Berryman
%
We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
%
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
%
We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
-- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
%
We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
%
We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
to crave knowledge.
-- George Will
%
We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
%
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
-- Eric Hoffer
%
We love our little Johnny
He's the best little boy in all the world
And we wouldn't trade him for anything
That's how much we love him.
No, we couldn't live without him
So that's why, since he died,
We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
He's so good, so well-behaved,
Even better than before;
Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
Never miss our little Johnny,
He'll never grow up and leave us
That's why we love him like we do.
-- Mr. Mincemeat
%
"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
-- Cameron Hawley
%
We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
than malnutrition.
-- Alex Comfort
%
We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
earth.
-- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
%
We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
-- Nolo News, summer 1989
%
...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%
We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
-- Saul Alinsky
%
We must die because we have known them.
-- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
%
We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
for chess.
-- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
(of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
"Stalin," published London, 1939
%
...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
the past.
-- Joseph Wood Krutch
%
We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
-- Walter Lippmann
%
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
%
We only acknowledge small faults in order
to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
-- LaRouchefoucauld
%
We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
forgotten its source.
-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
%
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
%
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
%
We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
We read to say that we have read.
%
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
-- Thucydides
%
We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
-- Jean de la Bruyere
%
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
-- Mark Twain
%
We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
out and shot.
-- Strange de Jim
%
We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
themselves.
-- John Locke
%
We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
-- Dennis Miller
%
We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
-- S.I. Hayakawa
%
We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
%
We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
%
We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
of America.
%
We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
EUPHEMISM REALITY
------------------- -------------------------
Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
Moody Manic-depressive
Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
Poet Boring manic-depressive
Sultry/Sensual Easy
Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
Very human Quasimodo's best friend
Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
Flexible Desperate
Aging child Self-centered adult
Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
%
We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
EUPHEMISM REALITY
------------------- -------------------------
Independent thinker Crazy
High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
Cuddly Overweight
Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
Big and beautiful Really Fat
Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
Svelte/Slender Anorexic
Dynamic Pushy
Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
Demanding Will make your life a living hell
Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
%
We totally deny the allegations, and
we're trying to identify the allegators.
%
We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
-- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
%
[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
-- R.W. Hamming
%
We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
-- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
%
We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
-- Satchel Paige
%
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
were married for four and a half years.
-- Nick Faldo
%
We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
%
We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
-- Crazy Jimmy
%
We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
extinction.
-- S.J. Gould
%
WEAPON:
An index of the lack of development of a culture.
%
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
-- John Heywood
%
Wedding, n:
A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
supportable.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
%
Weed's Axiom:
Never ask two questions in a business letter.
The reply will discuss the one in which you are
least interested and say nothing about the other.
%
Weekend, where are you?
%
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
%
Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
%
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
%
Weinberg's Principle:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
on to the grand fallacy.
%
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
%
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
-- Dean McLaughlin.
%
Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
D G G O
O Y A N
A D B T
K I S P
Enter words:
>
%
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
-- Garrison Keillor
%
Welcome to the Zoo!
%
Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
the reader! For example, the sentence
Jane went to the store to buy bread
should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
%
Welcome to Utah.
If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
%
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
-- Dave Barry
%
We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
night. Live, on the Death label.
-- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
%
Well begun is half done.
-- Aristotle
%
Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
%
Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
-- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
per hour, December 7, 1941.
%
Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
Might as well have put it down the drain.
Fancy giving money to the Government!
Nobody will see the stuff again.
Well, they've no idea what money's for --
Ten to one they'll start another war.
I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
Fancy giving money to the Government!
-- A.P. Herbert
%
We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
%
Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
-- Laurie Anderson
%
Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
The headline screamed that I was still alive,
I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
In a little cantina that the boys had found,
I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
When along came a senorita,
She looked so good that I had to meet her,
I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
Grow some funk of your own.
We no like to with the gringo fight,
But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
...
Take my advice, take the next flight,
And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
-- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
%
Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
-- James Thurber
%
Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
rights.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
%
We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
%
WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
%
Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
But the meanest thing that he ever did,
Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
...
But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
And kill the man that give me that awful name.
It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
At an old saloon on a street of mud,
Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
...
Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
%
We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
%
Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
%
Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
%
Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
-- Joe E. Lewis
%
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
-- Dave Barry
%
Well, we'll really have a party,
but we've gotta post a guard outside.
-- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
%
"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
-- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
%
Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
And we're loved everywhere we go.
We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
At ten thousand dollars a show.
We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
But the thrill we've never known,
Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
Who embroiders on my jeans.
I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
Drivin' my limousine.
Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
But our minds won't be really be blown;
Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
Who'll do anything we say.
We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
We got all the friends that money can buy,
So we never have to be alone.
And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
-- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
[As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
%
"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
%
Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
-- Buckaroo Banzai
%
WELL-ADJUSTED:
The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
%
We
own
this land.
I don't spend
any time
on this land.
This
is a tiny
little piece
of my
business
interests.
It's like
a grain
of sand.
-- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
From SPY Magazine, November 1992
%
We're all in this alone.
-- Lily Tomlin
%
We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
it's not going to do anything for you.
-- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
%
We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
-- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
%
We're happy little Vegemites,
As bright as bright can be.
We all all enjoy our Vegemite
For breakfast, lunch and tea.
%
Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
a grin.
-- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
%
We're Knights of the Round Table
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
We dine well here in Camelot But many times
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable
In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
Between our quests
We sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot.
I have to push the pram a lot.
-- Monty Python
%
We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
-- D.W. Robertson.
%
We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
-- Ensign Flandry
%
"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
-- Don Juan
%
Were there no women, men might live like gods.
-- Thomas Dekker
%
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
%
We've tried each spinning space mote
And reckoned its true worth:
Take us back again to the homes of men
On the cool, green hills of Earth.
The arching sky is calling
Spacemen back to their trade.
All hands! Standby! Free falling!
And the lights below us fade.
Out ride the sons of Terra,
Far drives the thundering jet,
Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
Out, far, and onward yet--
We pray for one last landing
On the globe that gave us birth;
Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
And the cool, green hills of Earth.
-- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
%
Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
%
What!? Me worry?
-- A.E. Newman
%
What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
-- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
%
What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
understand what a misfortune it is.
-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
%
What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
-- WOP, "War Games"
%
What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
-- Christopher Fry
%
What an artist dies with me!
-- Nero
%
What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
back of a cheque.
-- Brendan Francis
%
What awful irony is this?
We are as gods, but know it not.
%
What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
%
What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
You and I know that a burden and a cross,
Can only be carried on one man's back.
-- Louden Wainwright III
%
What did you bring that book I didn't want
to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
%
What did you do when the ship sank?
I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
%
What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
%
What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
-- Jerry Lester
%
What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
%
What does education often do?
It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
-- Henry David Thoreau
%
What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
-- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
%
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
-- Nietzsche
%
What ever happened to happily ever after?
%
What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
-- Roger von Oech
%
What foods these morsels be!
%
What fools these morals be!
%
What fools these mortals be.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
%
What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
%
What good is a ticket to the good life,
if you can't find the entrance?
%
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
%
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
in his footsteps?
%
What good is having someone who can walk
on water if you don't follow in his footsteps?
%
What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
What happened last night can happen again.
%
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
be pretty bad.
-- Dave Barry
%
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over --
Like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
Like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
-- Langston Hughes
%
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
%
What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees,
Up, up it goes,
And yet never grows?
%
What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
What if there had been room at the inn?
-- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
%
What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
-- J.M. Barrie
%
What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
them puke.
-- Steve Martin
%
What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
all the weak: Christianity.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
out of him.
-- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
%
What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
an accomplice.
-- Charles Baudelaire
%
What is love but a second-hand emotion?
-- Tina Turner
%
What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
-- William Blake
%
What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
-- Will Harvey
%
What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
%
What is status?
Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
Uh, no...
Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
problem with him.
Uh, that still ain't right...
STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
%
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
%
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
%
What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
-- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
from outside Sinanju named Remo.
%
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
is the first law of nature.
-- Voltaire
%
What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
big thumping lie that will then be believed.
-- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
British civilian morale, 1939
%
What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite.
-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928
%
What is wanted is not the will-to-believe,
but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite.
-- Bertrand Russell
%
What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
-- Jack Kerouac
%
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
-- Adolph Hitler
%
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
%
What makes you think graduate school
is supposed to be satisfying?
-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
%
What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
%
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
%
What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
-- Wilde
%
What on earth would a man do with himself
if something did not stand in his way?
-- H.G. Wells
%
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
-- John Lilly
%
What one fool can do, another can.
-- Ancient Simian Proverb
%
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
%
What pains others pleasures me,
At home am I in Lisp or C;
There i couch in ecstasy,
'Til debugger's poke i flee,
Into kernel memory.
In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
%
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
-- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
%
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
more than man's transparency.
-- George Nathan
%
What passes for woman's intuition
is often nothing more than man's transparency.
%
What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
their grasp before they were five years old.
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
-- J.D. Farley
%
What segment's this, that, laid to rest
On FHA0, is sleeping?
What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
Dump, dump it and type it out,
The file, the highseg of login.
Why lies it here, on public disk
And why is it now unprotected?
A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
Dump, dump it and type it out,
The file, the highseg of login.
-- to Greensleeves
%
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
%
What soon grows old? Gratitude.
-- Aristotle
%
What, still alive at twenty-two,
A clean upstanding chap like you?
Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
Like enough, you won't be glad,
When they come to hang you, lad:
But bacon's not the only thing
That's cured by hanging from a string.
So, when the spilt ink of the night
Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
Lads whose job is still to do
Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
-- Hugh Kingsmill
%
What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
%
What the hell is it good for?
-- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
%
What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
-- Nikita Khruschev
%
What they said:
What they meant:
"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
(Yes, that about sums it up.)
"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
(And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
(What a screw-up.)
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
(I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
a long way with his skills."
(We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
"You won't find many people like her."
(In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
"I cannot recommend him too highly."
(However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
felony in my presence.)
%
What they said:
What they meant:
"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
of him as I do."
(Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
"Her input was always critical."
(She never had a good word to say.)
"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
(And it's nonexistent.)
"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
already has so many outstanding members."
(Unless you already have a moron.)
"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
one unbelievable result after another."
(And we didn't believe them, either.)
"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
(In fact, to life in general...)
%
What they said:
What they meant:
"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
(We certainly never succeeded.)
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
(Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
"Success will never spoil him."
(Well, at least not MUCH more.)
"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
(And such a sigh of relief.)
"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
(And his IQ, as well.)
"He should go far."
(The farther the better.)
"He will take full advantage of his staff."
(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
%
What they say: What they mean:
A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
to unforeseen difficulties
Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
assured grateful for anything at all.
Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
to say something.
The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
approach kicking it around.
A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
we're moving.
Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
inconclusive
Modifications are underway We're starting over.
%
What they say: What they mean:
New Different colors from previous version.
All New Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
%
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%
What time is it?
I don't know, it keeps changing.
%
What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
-- Nietzsche
%
What we Are is God's give to us.
What we Become is our gift to God.
%
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
-- Wittgenstein
%
What we do not understand we do not possess.
-- Goethe
%
What we need is either less corruption,
or more chance to participate in it.
%
What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
-- John Lubbock
%
What we wish, that we readily believe.
-- Demosthenes
%
What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
%
What you don't know won't help you much either.
-- D. Bennett
%
What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
with as you will.
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
%
What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
something to occur to you.
-- Robert Frost
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to AST's.]
%
Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
never succeed.
-- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
%
Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
performance.
-- Helen Lawrenson
%
Whatever happened to the good old days
when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
%
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
-- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
%
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
-- Charlotte Whitton
%
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
you do it.
-- Ghandi
%
Whatever you do will be insignificant,
but it is very important that you do it.
-- Gandhi
%
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
other people.
-- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
%
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
%
What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
-- Robert Altman
%
What's all this bru-ha-ha?
%
What's done to children, they will do to society.
%
What's page one, a preemptive strike?
-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
%
What's so funny?
%
What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
What's the ugliest part of your body?
What's the ugliest part of your body?
Some say your nose,
Some say your toes,
But I think it's your mind.
-- Frank Zappa, 1965
%
What's this stuff about people being "released on their
own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
%
When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
%
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
%
When a girl can read the handwriting on
the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
%
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattentions of one.
-- Helen Rowland
%
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions
of many men for the inattentions of one.
Helen Rowland
%
When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
the first lion thinks the last a bore.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
When a lot of remedies are suggested for
a disease, that means it can't be cured.
-- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
%
When a man assumes a public trust, he
should consider himself as public property.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
hour. That's relativity.
-- Albert Einstein
%
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
-- Sacha Guitry
%
When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
liar who has broken his promises.
-- Franklin Adams
%
When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
%
When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
-- Donnay
%
When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
-- Wilde
%
When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of
paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
-- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
%
When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
-- The Grab Bag
%
When all else fails, EAT!!!
%
When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
knob.
-- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
%
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
%
When among apes, one must play the ape.
%
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
-- Mark Twain
%
When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
-- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
%
When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
-- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
%
When asked the definition of "pi":
The Mathematician:
Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
circumference of a circle and its diameter.
The Physicist:
Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
The Engineer:
Pi is about 3.
%
When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
%
When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
-- Brian Aldiss
%
When choosing between two evils, I always
like to take the one I've never tried before.
-- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
%
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?"
%
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
%
When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
%
When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
-- Josef Goebbels
%
When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
%
When does later become never?
%
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
-- Gen. C. Abrams
%
When forecasting, give them a number
or give them a date, but never both.
%
When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
-- DeGourmont
%
When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
himself to destruction.
-- George Plimpton
%
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
-- Brendan Behan
%
When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
-- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
%
when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
in my sleep.
like my grandfather.
not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...
%
When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
%
When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
and a willingness to compromise.
-- Weber cartoon caption
%
When I grow up, I want to be an honest
lawyer so things like that can't happen.
-- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
%
When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
what you like now."
-- Tolstoy
%
When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
%
When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
%
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
-- Franklyn Ajaye
%
When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
to be seen again.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
-- Al Capone
%
When I think about myself,
I almost laugh myself to death,
My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
I laugh until my stomach ache,
When I think about myself.
My folks can make me split my side,
I laughed so hard I nearly died,
The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
They grow the fruit,
But eat the rind,
I laugh until I start to crying,
When I think about my folks.
-- Maya Angelou
%
When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
%
When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
I was an only child... eventually.
-- Stephen Wright
%
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-- Jack Handey
%
When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
I was an only child... eventually.
-- Steven Wright
%
When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
-- Robert Schuman
%
When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
picture that came with the wallet he bought.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
%
When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
had to take drugs and go to concerts.
-- Steven Pearl
%
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
pieces like this but we all have to do it.
-- Mark Twain
%
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
-- Steven Wright
%
When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits easy.
And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
%
When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
questions like a senator.
-- Muhammad Ali
%
When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
-- Mae West
%
When in charge ponder,
When in doubt mumble,
When in trouble delegate.
%
When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
to apologize than to get permission.
-- Grace Murray Hopper
%
When in doubt, follow your heart.
%
When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
-- Raymond Chandler
%
When in doubt, lead trump.
%
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
-- James H. Boren
%
When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
-- St. Ambrose
%
When in this world the headlines read
Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
Who rob and steal from those who need
The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
Fighting all who rob or plunder
Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
Underdog
UNDERDOG!
%
When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
%
When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
%
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
%
When it is not necessary to make a decision,
it is necessary not to make a decision.
%
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
%
When license fees are too high,
users do things by hand.
When the management is too intrusive,
users lose their spirit.
Hack for the user's benefit.
Trust them; leave them alone.
%
When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!
-- Laurie Anderson
%
When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
%
When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When
accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to
be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll
in.
Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants
make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When
senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be
solved.
Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
%
When my brain begins to reel from my
literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
-- Ignatius Reilly
%
When my fist clenches crack it open,
Before I use it and lose my cool.
When I smile tell me some bad news,
Before I laugh and act like a fool.
And if I swallow anything evil,
Put you finger down my throat.
And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
Keep me warm let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
to be the sad man.
Behind blue eyes.
No one knows what its like to be hated,
to be fated,
To telling only lies.
-- The Who
%
When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
most unlikely of situations.
-- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
%
When neither their poverty nor their honor is
touched, the majority of men live content.
-- Niccolo Machiavelli
%
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
%
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
-- Dylan Thomas
%
When one knows women one pities men,
but when one studies men, one excuses women.
-- Horne Tooke
%
When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
And Oxygen still had none
Then Oxygen scored a single goal
And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
Called because of rain.
%
When people have trouble communicating,
the least they can do is to shut up.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
%
When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
%
When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
"But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
%
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
-- Daniel B. Luten
%
When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
%
When some people discover the truth, they just
can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
%
When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
For might makes right, Members of the corps
And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
peaceful means.
All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
We only want the world to know
That we support the status quo;
They love us everywhere we go,
So when in doubt, send the Marines!
-- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
%
When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
-- S. Johnson
%
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
%
When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
of asterisked sentences:
It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
And costs less than $1,300.**
In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
* Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
you really want to. Or less.
-- Forbes
%
When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
-- Turkish proverb
%
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
-- Chinese proverb
%
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.
%
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.
%
When the candles are out all women are fair.
-- Plutarch
%
When the cup is full, carry it level.
%
When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
-- Billy Sunday
%
When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
%
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
-- Lynch
%
When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
%
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
%
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
When the Guru administers, the users
are hardly aware that he exists.
Next best is a sysop who is loved.
Next, one who is feared.
And worst, one who is despised.
If you don't trust the users,
you make them untrustworthy.
The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
When his work is done,
the users say, "Amazing:
we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
%
When the leaders speak of peace
The common folk know
That war is coming
When the leaders curse war
The mobilization order is already written out.
Every day, to earn my daily bread
I go to the market where lies are bought
Hopefully
I take my place among the sellers.
-- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
%
When the lights are out, all women are fair.
-- Plutarch
%
When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
like a nail.
%
When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
-- Richard Nixon
%
When the revolution comes, count your change.
%
When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
right."
"Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
the wrong joke."
%
When the sun shineth, make hay.
-- John Heywood
%
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
what's your name?"
"Samuel," he mumbled.
"And where're you from, Sam?"
"The balcony."
%
When the wind is great, bow before it;
when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
%
When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
-- Balzac
%
When things go well, expect something to
explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
%
When users see one GUI as beautiful,
other user interfaces become ugly.
When users see some programs as winners,
other programs become lossage.
Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
High level and assembler depend on each other.
Double and float cast to each other.
High-endian and low-endian define each other.
While and until follow each other.
Therefore the Guru
programs without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Warnings arise and he lets them come;
processes are swapped and he lets them go.
He has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When his work is done, he deletes it.
That is why it lasts forever.
%
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
history of war have so few been led by so many.
-- General James Gavin
%
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
%
When we write programs that "learn",
it turns out we do and they don't.
%
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
-- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
%
When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
even our virtues.
-- Balzac
%
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
%
When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
-- St. Ambrose
%
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
%
When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
from, to torture and unsettle us?
-- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
%
When you become used to never being alone,
you may consider yourself Americanized.
%
When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
%
When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields
%
When you dig another out of trouble,
you've got a place to bury your own.
%
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
%
When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
There is one thing you should learn,
When there is no one else to turn to,
Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
%
When you find yourself in danger,
When you're threatened by a stranger,
When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
There is one thing you should learn,
When there is no one else to turn to,
Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
%
When you find yourself in danger,
When you're threatened by a stranger,
When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
There is one thing you should learn,
When there is no one else to turn to,
Caaaaaall for Super Chicken.
%
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
%
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-- Norm Crosby
%
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
%
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
%
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
moves the ground from beneath your feet.
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
When you live in a sick society,
just about everything you do is wrong.
%
When you make your mark in the world,
watch out for guys with erasers.
-- The Wall Street Journal
%
When you meet a master swordsman,
show him your sword.
When you meet a man who is not a poet,
do not show him your poem.
-- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
%
When you overesteem great hackers,
more users become cretins.
When you develop encryption,
more users become crackers.
The Guru leads
by emptying user's minds
and increasing their quotas,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
When users lack knowledge and desire,
management will not try to interfere.
Practice not-looping,
and everything will fall into place.
%
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
-- Otto Von Bismarck
%
When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
%
When you try to make an impression, the
chances are that is the impression you will make.
%
When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
%
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
%
When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
-- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
%
When your memory goes, forget it!
%
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
-- Henry J. Kaiser
%
When you're a Yup
You're a Yup all the way
From your first slice of Brie
To your last Cabernet.
When you're a Yup
You're not just a dreamer
You're making things happen
You're driving a Beamer.
%
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
Wretched, bored, dejected, only
Here's the rub, my darling dear,
I feel the same when you are hear.
-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
%
When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
-- David Pryce-Jones
%
When you're dining out and you suspect
something's wrong, you're probably right.
%
When you're down and out, lift up your
voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
%
When you're in command, command.
-- Admiral Nimitz
%
When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
-- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
%
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
%
When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
%
WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
%
Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
some damn fool discovers something which either
abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
%
WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
to become a parrot or something.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?
-- Rita Rudner
%
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
%
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
-- Jack Handey
%
Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
-- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
%
Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
%
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons.
-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
%
Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
%
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
%
Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
-- Karl Kraus
%
Where do you go to get anorexia?
-- Shelley Winters
%
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Where is John Carson now that we need him?
-- RLG
%
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
examine the laws of heat.
-- Christopher Morley
%
Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
Gloom, despair and agony on me.
Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
-- Hee Haw
%
Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And I thought I'd found true love,
You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
-- Hee Haw
%
Where the hell is Wall Drug?
%
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
%
Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
%
Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
-- Goethe
%
Where there's a whip there's a way.
%
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
%
Where will it all end?
Probably somewhere near where it all began.
%
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
-- Rufus Miles, HEW
%
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
-- Wittgenstein
%
Where's the man could ease a heart
Like a satin gown?
-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
%
...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
-- Richard Shelton
%
Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
Go on, do not rest.
-- An old Gujarati hymn
%
Which would you rather have, a bursting
planet or an earthquake here and there?
-- John Joseph Lynch
%
While anyone can admit to themselves they were
wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
%
While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
-- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
%
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
-- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to hardware interrupts.]
And now I see with eye serene
The very pulse of the machine.
-- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to software interrupts.]
%
While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
held a gun to his head.
"Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
"Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
%
While there's life, there's hope.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
While walking down a crowded
City street the other day,
I heard a little urchin
To a comrade turn and say,
"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
I'd be happy as a clam
If only I was de feller dat
Me mudder t'inks I am.
"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
-- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
%
While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
-- Dean Rusk
%
While you recently had your problems on the run,
they've regrouped and are making another attack.
%
Whip it, whip it good!
%
Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
%
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
%
White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
%
Whitehead's Law:
The obvious answer is always overlooked.
%
White's Statement:
Don't lose heart!
Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
...they might want to cut it out...
Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
%
Who are you?
%
Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
-- Nathan Pusey
%
Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
-- Hattie McDaniel
%
Who does not love wine, women, and song,
Remains a fool his whole life long.
-- Johann Heinrich Voss
%
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
-- Lao Tsu
%
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
-- Thomas Tusser
%
Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
%
Who is John Galt?
%
Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
%
Who loves me will also love my dog.
-- John Donne
%
Who loves not wisely but too well
Will look on Helen's face in hell,
But he whose love is thin and wise
Will view John Knox in Paradise.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
%
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
-- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
%
Who to himself is law no law doth need,
offends no law, and is a king indeed.
-- George Chapman
%
Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
%
Who was that masked man?
%
Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
%
"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
%
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
into you.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
looks into you.
-- Nietzsche
%
Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx
%
Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
pure in heart can make a good soup.
-- Ludwig Van Beethoven
%
Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
%
Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
-- Bernard Levin
%
Who's on first?
%
Who's scruffy-looking?
-- Han Solo
%
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
%
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
-- Paul Simon
%
Why are programmers non-productive?
Because their time is wasted in meetings.
Why are programmers rebellious?
Because the management interferes too much.
Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
Because they are burnt out.
Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Why are you so hard to ignore?
%
Why are you watching
The washing machine?
I love entertainment
So long as it's clean.
Professor Doberman:
While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
implications.
%
Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
-- Erik Satie
%
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
%
Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
%
Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
corner."
%
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
%
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
It's quite uncanny.
%
Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
%
Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
%
Why do we want intelligent terminals
when there are so many stupid users?
%
Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
-- Carl Sandburg
%
Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
%
Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
-- Jimmy Durante
%
Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
pay the fiddler.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
-- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
%
Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
kissed her cow.
-- Rabelais
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
-- None of my socks match.
-- I'm having all my plants neutered.
-- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
-- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
-- I'm touring China with a wok band.
-- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
-- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
named Basil Metabolism.
-- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
-- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
-- I prefer to remain an enigma.
-- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
-- I feel a song coming on.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
-- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
-- I'm trying to be less popular.
-- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
-- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
-- My subconscious says no.
-- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
can't seem to put it down.
-- My favorite commercial is on TV.
-- I have to study for my blood test.
-- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
-- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
-- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I have to floss my cat.
-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
-- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
-- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
-- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
-- I have some really hard words to look up.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
-- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
-- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
-- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
-- I have to fulfill my potential.
-- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
-- It's too close to the turn of the century.
-- I have to bleach my hare.
-- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
-- I left my body in my other clothes.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
-- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
-- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
-- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
-- I'm building a plant from a kit.
-- There's a disturbance in the Force.
-- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
-- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
-- My crayons all melted together.
%
Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
%
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
%
Why isn't there some cheap and easy
way to prove how much she means to me?
%
Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
are another's.
-- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
%
Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
I can't think why not.
-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
"The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
%
Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
%
Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
fresh one for a quarter of the price?
%
Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
eternity for his faithlessness.
-- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
Fortnightly Review, 1876
%
Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
-- Tom Ryan
%
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
%
Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
-- The Tasmanian Devil
%
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb all
available revenue and then some.
%
Wilcox's Law:
A pat on the back is only a few
centimeters from a kick in the pants.
%
Will Rogers never met you.
%
Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
%
Will your long-winded speeches never end?
What ails you that you keep on arguing?
-- Job 16:3
%
Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
-- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
%
Wilner's Observation:
All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
%
Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
-- Vince Lombardi
%
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
%
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
-- Stephen Wright
%
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
-- Robert Byrne
%
[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
%
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
-- J. Winter Smith
%
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
%
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
-- Frank Tyger
%
With all the talent around, it's sort of
amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
-- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
%
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
%
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
they make a law it's a joke.
-- W. Rogers
%
With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
-- Tolstoy
%
With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
%
With reasonable men I will reason;
with humane men I will plead;
but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
-- William Lloyd Garrison
%
With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
parties.
"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
your G.P.A.?"
Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
the city and forty on the highway."
%
With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was
celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus
party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and
eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
parties.
"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
you G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least
twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"
%
With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
close. Like catching snakes.
-- Marlon Brando
%
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
%
Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
them again -- and this time we'd use it.
-- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
White House's National Security Council, Washington
Post, 21 March, 1982
%
Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
important to him than his table or his white robe.
-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
%
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
%
Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
%
Without love intelligence is dangerous;
without intelligence love is not enough.
-- Ashley Montagu
%
With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
-- Pink Floyd
%
Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
%
Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
%
WOLF:
A man who knows all the ankles.
%
WOMAN:
An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
-- Bierce
%
Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
%
Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
want to own one.
-- W.C. Fields
%
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-- Dumas
%
Woman is generally so bad that the difference
between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
-- Tolstoy
%
Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
I shall be sober in the morning.
%
Woman was God's second mistake.
-- Nietzsche
%
Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
that he might love her.
-- Henry
%
Woman would be more charming if one could
fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
-- DeGourmont
%
Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
-- Cervantes
%
Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
-- Warren Beatty
%
Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
marriage certificates, and defy you.
-- Jerrold
%
Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
from charity, or revenge?
-- Gustave Vapereau
%
Women are just like men, only different.
%
Women are like elephants to me: I like to
look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-- W.C. Fields
%
Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
-- Herold
%
Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
-- Napoleon
%
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
-- Stephens
%
Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
-- Pogo
%
Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
but it takes more of them to do it.
%
Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
-- Ann Landers
%
Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
as good as any other.
-- Philippe De Remi
%
Women give themselves to God when the
Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
-- Arnould
%
Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
-- Wilde
%
Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
-- Ansey
%
Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
original earth clinging to the roots.
-- Bierce
%
Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
than men who reason with the head.
-- DeLescure
%
Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
but never a man who misses one.
-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
%
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
-- Wilde
%
Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
-- Mort Sahl
%
Women waste men's lives and think they have
indemnified them by a few gracious words.
-- Balzac
%
Women, when they are not in love, have all
the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
-- Balzac
%
Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
-- Balzac
%
Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
%
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
%
Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
-- Amiel
%
Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
%
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
%
Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
and philosophy begins in wonder.
Socrates, quoting Plato
%
Wonderful day.
Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
%
Woodward's Law:
A theory is better than its explanation.
%
Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
Let's just cut to the happy ending.
-- Cheers, Airport V
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
-- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
Sam: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
-- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
%
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
-- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
Sam: What are you up to Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
-- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
-- Cheers, Loverboyd
%
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
swallowed the canary.
Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
-- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
%
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
Norm: The warranty on my liver.
-- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
-- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
-- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
%
Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Poor.
Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
-- Cheers, The Proposal
Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
%
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
-- Cheers, Paint Your Office
Sam: How's life treating you?
Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
-- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.
-- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
%
Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
Eh, make that one-thirty.
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
%
Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
People would rather live with a problem they cannot
solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
%
Words are the voice of the heart.
%
Words can never express what words can never express.
%
Words have a longer life than deeds.
-- Pindar
%
Words must be weighed, not counted.
%
WORK:
The blessed respite from screaming kids and
soap operas for which you actually get paid.
%
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
-- Mark Twain
%
Work continues in this area.
-- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
%
Work expands to fill the time available.
-- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
%
Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
to do so.
-- Bertrand Russell
%
Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
-- Schulz
%
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-- Mike Romanoff
%
Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
a handshake, and have fun.
-- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
shortly before dying at the age of 86.
%
Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
%
Work without a vision is slavery,
Vision without work is a pipe dream,
But vision with work is the hope of the world.
%
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
a valentine.
-- Christopher Plummer
%
World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
error in the world."
-- Sydney Harris
%
Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
%
Worth seeing?
Yes, but not worth going to see.
%
Worthless.
-- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
(Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
"analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
15, 1842.
%
WOTD:
`
%
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
-- Princess Leia Organa
%
Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
-- Alfieri
%
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
%
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
-- John Heywood
%
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
%
Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
%
Would you like to be tried in court by people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
%
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
%
Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
stuff....
-- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
testimony, 1947
%
Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
-- George Carlin
%
Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
a turn-on?
-- "Broadcast News"
%
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
-- Mark Twain
%
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
-- Anonymous
%
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
%
Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
is itself the one hope for salvation.
-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
%
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
%
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
-- Gene Fowler
%
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
-- J.P. Donleavy
%
Writing software is more fun than working.
%
WRONG!
%
WYSIWYG:
What You See Is What You Get.
%
X windows:
Accept any substitute.
If it's broke, don't fix it.
If it ain't broke, fix it.
Form follows malfunction.
The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
The trailing edge of software technology.
Armageddon never looked so good.
Japan's secret weapon.
You'll envy the dead.
Making the world safe for competing window systems.
Let it get in YOUR way.
The problem for your problem.
If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
It could be worse, but it'll take time.
Simplicity made complex.
The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
Flakey and built to stay that way.
One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
X windows.
%
X windows:
It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
Built to take on the world... and lose!
Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
Power tools for Power Fools.
Putting new limits on productivity.
The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
Design by counterexample.
A new level of software disintegration.
No hardware is safe.
Do your time.
Rationalization, not realization.
Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
Gratuitous incompatibility.
Your mother.
THE user interference management system.
You can't argue with failure.
You haven't died 'til you've used it.
The environment of today... tomorrow!
X windows.
%
X windows:
Something you can be ashamed of.
30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
The first fully modular software disaster.
Rome was destroyed in a day.
Warn your friends about it.
Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
Don't wait for the movie.
Never use it after a big meal.
Need we say less?
Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
It'll make your day.
Don't get frustrated without it.
Power tools for power losers.
A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
Never had it. Never will.
The software with no visible means of support.
More than just a generation behind.
Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
X windows.
%
X windows:
The ultimate bottleneck.
Flawed beyond belief.
The only thing you have to fear.
Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
On autopilot to oblivion.
The joke that kills.
A disgrace you can be proud of.
A mistake carried out to perfection.
Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
To err is X windows.
Ignorance is our most important resource.
Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
Built to fall apart.
Nullifying centuries of progress.
Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
The last thing you need.
The defacto substandard.
Elevating brain damage to an art form.
X windows.
%
X windows:
We will dump no core before its time.
One good crash deserves another.
A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
We make excuses.
It didn't even look good on paper.
You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
A new concept in abuser interfaces.
How can something get so bad, so quickly?
It could happen to you.
The art of incompetence.
You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
When uselessness just isn't enough.
More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
When you can't afford to be right.
And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
If it works, it isn't X windows.
%
X windows:
You'd better sit down.
Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
Live the nightmare.
Our bugs run faster.
When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
There ARE no rules.
You'll wish we were kidding.
Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
There's got to be a better way.
The next best thing to keypunching.
Leave the thrashing to us.
We wrote the book on core dumps.
Even your dog won't like it.
More than enough rope.
Garbage at your fingertips.
Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
X windows.
%
XEROX never does anything original.
%
XI:
If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
the managers would fly off.
XII:
It costs a lot to build bad products.
XIII:
There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
intermingle the two.
XIV:
After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
of every airplane's weight.
XV:
The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
and two-thirds of the problems.
-- Norman Augustine
%
XLI:
The more one produces, the less one gets.
XLII:
Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
XLIII:
Hardware works best when it matters the least.
XLIV:
Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
XLV:
One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
unexpected should have been expected.
XLVI:
A billion saved is a billion earned.
-- Norman Augustine
%
XLVII:
Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
XLVIII:
The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
XLIX:
Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
L:
The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
as long as the official's who created it.
LI:
By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
government workers than there are workers.
LII:
People working in the private sector should try to save money.
There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
-- Norman Augustine
%
XVI:
In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
made available to the Marines for the extra day.
XVII:
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
XVIII:
It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
ten degradation accomplished.
XIX:
Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
XX:
In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
-- Norman Augustine
%
XXI:
It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
XXII:
If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
not selling advice.
XXIII:
Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
currently estimated.
XXIV:
The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
costly action known to man.
XXV:
A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
or a new canvas to an artist.
-- Norman Augustine
%
XXVI:
If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
XXVII:
Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
XXVIII:
It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
XXIX:
Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
hang on about half a decade.
XXX:
By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
-- Norman Augustine
%
XXXI:
The optimum committee has no members.
XXXII:
Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
XXXIII:
Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
XXXIV:
The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
randomly.
XXXV:
The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
the data authenticity.
-- Norman Augustine
%
XXXVI:
The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
XXXVII:
Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
XXXVIII:
The early bird gets the worm.
The early worm ... gets eaten.
XXXIX:
Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
the year -- in either direction.
XL:
Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
-- Norman Augustine
%
Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
%
Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
rays and became a tangent ?
%
Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
%
Yea from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
-- Hamlet
%
Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
%
Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
%
Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
a private eye.
-- Calvin
%
Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
%
Year Name James Bond Book
---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
* -- Not a Broccoli production.
%
Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
-- Rita Rudner
%
Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
-- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
%
Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
%
Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
that order.
-- Jeffrey Honig
%
Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
I'm not respectable.
-- Ruthven Campbell Todd
%
Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
feet.
-- John Cheever
%
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
%
You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
%
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
%
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
%
You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
%
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
-- Philip Whalen
%
You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
-- Sherlock Holmes
%
You are always busy.
%
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
%
You are an insult to my intelligence!
I demand that you log off immediately.
%
You are as I am with You.
%
You are capable of planning your future.
%
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
%
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
%
You are destined to become the commandant of the
fighting men of the department of transportation.
%
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
%
You are fairminded, just and loving.
%
You are false data.
%
You are farsighted, a good planner,
an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
%
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
%
You are going to have a new love affair.
%
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
%
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
%
You are in the hall of the mountain king.
%
You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
%
You are loved by the multitudes.
Have you been to the clinic lately?
%
You are magnetic in your bearing.
%
You are never given a wish without also being given the
power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
-- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
the Advanced Soul"
%
You are not a fool just because you have done
something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
%
You are not dead yet.
But watch for further reports.
%
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
Please set your clocks back 200 years.
%
You are number 6! Who is number one?
%
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
Pray what is the reason of that?"
"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
Allow me to sell you a couple?"
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
What made you so awfully clever?"
"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
%
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
Therefore you have few friends.
%
You are sick, twisted and perverted.
I like that in a person.
%
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
%
"You are *so* lovely."
"Yes."
"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
%
You are standing on my toes.
%
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
%
You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
%
You ask what a nice girl will do?
She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
-- Marcus Valerius Martialis
%
You attempt things that you do not even plan
because of your extreme stupidity.
%
You auto buy now.
%
"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
"Sure. Whaddya got?"
-- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
%
You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
than a twenty-dollar bill.
-- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
%
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
-- Tim Leary
%
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
%
You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
%
You can be replaced by this computer.
%
You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
%
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
-- Hepler, CS, University of Washington
%
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
%
You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
-- Quentin Genter
%
You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
-- Boris Yeltsin
%
You can cage a swallow, can't you,
but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
-- The Palindromist
%
You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
-- Janis Joplin
%
You can do very well in speculation where
land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
%
You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
%
You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
and the budget is big enough.
-- Joseph E. Levine
%
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
%
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
%
You can fool some of the people some of the time,
and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
%
You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
%
You can get everything in life you want,
if you will help enough other people get what they want.
%
You can get much further with a kind word and a
gun than you can with a kind word alone.
-- Al Capone
[Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
%
You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
%
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
%
You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
(chorus)
You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
(chorus)
%
You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
your dog.
-- foolin' around
%
You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
Don't ever count on having both at once.
-- Lazarus Long
%
You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
-- Joe Valachi
%
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
get him to float on his back, you've got something.
%
You can move the world with an idea,
but you have to think of it first.
%
You can never do just one thing.
-- Hardin
%
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
%
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
%
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
-- Jeannette Rankin
%
You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
-- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
-- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
-- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
%
You can now buy more gates with less
specifications than at any other time in history.
-- Kenneth Parker
%
You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Yogi Berra
%
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
%
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
-- Norman Douglas
%
You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
%
You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
I've got to have thirty minutes!
%
You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
-- Nathalia Crane
%
You cannot have a science without measurement.
-- R. W. Hamming
%
You cannot see the wood for the trees.
-- John Heywood
%
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
-- Indira Gandhi
%
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
%
You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%
You can't cheat an honest man, never give
a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
-- W.C. Fields
%
You can't cheat the phone company.
%
You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
%
You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
-- Richard Nixon, 1952
%
You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
-- Peter Frampton
%
You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
-- H.H. Munro
%
"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
-- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
%
You can't fall off the floor.
%
You can't get there from here.
%
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
%
You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
-- Ayn Rand
%
You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
%
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
only sooner than she thought you would.
%
You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
%
You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
%
You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
-- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
%
You can't push on a string.
%
You can't run away forever,
But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
-- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
%
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
new way.
-- Will Rogers
%
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
-- Lauren Bacall
%
You can't take damsel here now.
%
You can't take it with you --
especially when crossing a state line.
%
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
-- Tricia Nixon Cox
%
You climb to reach the summit, but once
there, discover that all roads lead down.
-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
%
You could live a better life, if you
had a better mind and a better body.
%
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
%
You dialed 5483.
%
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
%
You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
%
You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
if you're not planning on coming back down.
-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
%
You don't have to explain something you never said.
-- Calvin Coolidge
%
You don't have to know how the computer
works, just how to work the computer.
%
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
-- Guindon
%
You enjoy the company of other people.
%
You feel a whole lot more like you do
now than you did when you used to.
%
You fill a much-needed gap.
%
You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
-- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
%
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
%
You get what you pay for.
-- Gabriel Biel
%
You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
-- Goethe
%
You go down to the pickup station,
craving warmth and beauty;
You settle for less than fascination --
a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
And the closing lights strip off the shadows
on this strange new flesh you've found --
Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
you hurry to the blackness
and the blankets to lay down an impression
and your loneliness.
-- Joni Mitchell
%
You got to be very careful if you don't know
where you're going, because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra
%
You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
And you know it don't come easy ...
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
And you know it don't come easy ...
%
You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
Now it's our turn.
-- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
%
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
%
You had mail.
Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
%
You had some happiness once,
but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
%
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
%
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
%
You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
%
You have a message from the operator.
%
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
%
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
%
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
%
You have a strong desire for a home
and your family interests come first.
%
You have a truly strong individuality.
%
You have a will that can be influenced
by all with whom you come in contact.
%
You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
-- Lois Platford
%
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
-- Aristophanes
%
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
%
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
%
You have an unusual equipment for success.
Be sure to use it properly.
%
You have an unusual understanding of
the problems of human relationships.
%
You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
%
You have been selected for a secret mission.
%
You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
%
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
%
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
%
You have mail.
%
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
%
You have no real enemies.
%
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
-- John Viscount Morley
%
You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
%
You have taken yourself too seriously.
%
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
%
You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
-- Lewis Carroll
%
You humans are all alike.
%
You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
%
You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
-- Dylan Thomas
%
You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
%
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
-- Superchicken
%
You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
%
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
-- Maharbal
%
You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
-- Dean Webber
%
You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
-- Garfield
%
You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
You're not a kid at thirty-three,
You play around you lose your wife,
You play too long, you lose your life.
Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
%
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
are now extinct.
-- M. Somerset Maugham
%
You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
like that all the time.
-- Stephen Wright
%
You know, the difference between this company and
the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
%
You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
-- Richard Nixon
%
You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
and I had my hands about it.
-- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
%
You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
is revenge.
-- Peter Beard
%
You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
-- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
%%
I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
highly trained certified public accountants.
-- Elvis Presley
%
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
-- E.A. Gilliam
%
You know your apartment is small...
when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
you have to go outside to change your mind.
you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
%
You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
mother is allowed to take.
%
You know you're in a small town when...
You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
out of the city.
4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
remember that you don't have a waterbed.
6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
and there aren't any.
3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
her own business.
(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3) Your income tax check bounces.
(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
after you bought a waterbed.
(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
for your spouse.
%
You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
%
You learn to write as if to someone else
because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
%
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
%
You lived with a man who wore white belts?
Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
-- Remington Steele
%
You look tired.
%
You love peace.
%
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
%
You may already be a loser.
-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
%
You may be gone tomorrow, but that
doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
%
You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
but you're infinitely larger than others.
%
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
%
You may be right, I may be crazy,
But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
-- Billy Joel
%
You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
That a young man married is a young man marred.
-- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
%
You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
%
You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
%
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.
%
You mean you didn't *know* she was off
making lots of little phone companies?
%
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
%
You must dine in our cafeteria.
You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
%
You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
prosecution for perjury and fraud.
-- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
%
You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
are merely deputies of that one.
-- Nero Wolfe
%
You need more time; and you probably always will.
%
You need not worry about your future.
%
You never gain something but that you lose something.
-- Thoreau
%
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
%
You never go anywhere without your soul.
%
You never have to change anything you
got up in the middle of the night to write.
-- Saul Bellow
%
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
%
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
-- William Blake
%
You never learned anything by doing it right.
%
You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
guys were getting stoned!
-- Johnny Carson
%
You now have Asian Flu.
%
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
%
You plan things that you do not even
attempt because of your extreme caution.
%
You prefer the company of the opposite
sex, but are well liked by your own.
%
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
%
You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
You say potatoe,
And I say potato.
You say tomatoe,
And I say tomato.
Potatoe, potato,
Tomatoe, tomato.
Let's go be the Vice President...
%
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
%
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
-- Sherlock Holmes
%
You see things; and you say "Why?"
But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
[No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.]
%
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
there is no cat.
-- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
%
You seek to shield those you love
and you like the role of the provider.
%
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
%
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
-- Joseph Conrad
%
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
%
You should go home.
%
You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
incest and folk-dancing.
-- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
%
You should never bet against anything in science at
odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
-- E. Rutherford
%
You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
-- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
%
You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
-- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
%
You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
your feet in it and swish them around a little.
-- Guindon
%
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
%
You teach best what you most need to learn.
%
YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."
MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
%
You tread upon my patience.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
You two ought to be more careful--
your love could drag on for years and years.
%
You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
-- W.G.
%
You will always find something in the last place you look.
%
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
%
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
%
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
%
You will be advanced socially,
without any special effort on your part.
%
You will be aided greatly by a person
whom you thought to be unimportant.
%
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
%
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
%
You will be awarded some great honor.
%
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
%
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
%
You will be dead within a year.
%
You will be divorced within a year.
%
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
%
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
%
You will be honored for contributing
your time and skill to a worthy cause.
%
You will be imprisoned for contributing
your time and skill to a bank robbery.
%
You will be married within a year.
%
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
%
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
%
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
%
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
%
You will be run over by a beer truck.
%
You will be run over by a bus.
%
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
%
You will be successful in love.
%
You will be surrounded by luxury.
%
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
%
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
%
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
%
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
%
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
%
You will contract a rare disease.
%
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
%
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
%
You will find me drinking gin
In the lowest kind of inn,
Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
-- G.K. Chesterton
%
You will forget that you ever knew me.
%
You will gain money by a fattening action.
%
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
%
You will gain money by an illegal action.
%
You will gain money by an immoral action.
%
You will get what you deserve.
%
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
%
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
%
You will have a long and boring life.
%
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
%
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
%
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
%
You will have long and healthy life.
%
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
%
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
%
You will inherit millions of dollars.
%
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
%
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
%
You will live to see your grandchildren.
%
You will lose an important disk file.
%
You will lose an important tape file.
%
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
%
You will never amount to much.
-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
%
You will never know hunger.
%
You will not be elected to public office this year.
%
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
%
You will outgrow your usefulness.
%
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
%
You will pass away very quickly.
%
You will pay for your sins.
If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
%
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
%
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
%
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
%
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
%
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
%
You will soon forget this.
%
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
%
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
%
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
but only because your brakes are defective.
%
You will triumph over your enemy.
%
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
%
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
%
You will wish you hadn't.
%
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
-- Frank Hubbard
%
You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
%
"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
yourself in this way."
-- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
%
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
%
You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
%
You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
-- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
%
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
%
You'll always be,
What you always were,
Which has nothing to do with,
All to do, with her.
-- Company
%
You'll be called to a post requiring
ability in handling groups of people.
%
You'll be sorry...
%
You'll feel devilish tonight.
Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
%
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
%
You'll never see all the places, or read all the
books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
%
You'll wish that you had done some of the
hard things when they were easier to do.
%
Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
the defects of both.
-- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
%
Young men, hear an old man to whom
old men hearkened when he was young.
-- Augustus Caesar
%
Young men think old men are fools;
but old men know young men are fools.
-- George Chapman
%
Your aim is high and to the right.
%
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
%
Your best consolation is the hope that the things
you failed to get weren't really worth having.
%
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
%
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
%
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
%
Your business will assume vast proportions.
%
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
%
Your code should be more efficient!
%
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
%
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
%
Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
...Here's How You Can Tell
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
listed 10 signs to watch for:
#3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
#6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
#8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
#10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
-- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
[I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
%
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
%
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
seconds if we felt like it.
-- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
%
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
%
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
%
Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
EOF
%
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
by Miss Fortune
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
other discover your good qualities without your help.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
by Miss Fortune
ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
and you will live all the days of your life.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
miss two car payments.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
you meet in court.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
by Miss Fortune
CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
shop.
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
than people who work standing up.
%
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
%
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
%
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
%
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
%
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
%
Your love life will be... interesting.
%
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
%
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
Your mind is the part of you that says,
"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
-- Steven and Ondrea Levine
%
Your mind understands what you have been
taught; your heart, what is true.
%
Your mode of life will be changed for
the better because of good news soon.
%
Your mode of life will be changed for
the better because of new developments.
%
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
%
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
%
Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
Face like ice, a little bit colder
She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
You learned in school"
But I don't really see
Why can't we go on as three?
-- David Crosby, "Triad"
%
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
%
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
%
Your object is to save the world,
while still leading a pleasant life.
%
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
change.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
%
Your password is pitifully obvious.
%
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
%
Your present plans will be successful.
%
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
%
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
%
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
success.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
%
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
%
Your step will soil many countries.
%
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
%
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
%
Your temporary financial embarrassment will
be relieved in a surprising manner.
%
Your wig steers the gig.
-- Lord Buckley
%
Your wise men don't know how it feels
To be thick as a brick.
-- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
%
Your worship is your furnaces
which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
have molten bowels; your vision is
machines for making more machines.
-- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
%
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
%
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
-- Jim Samuels to a heckler
Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
-- Steve Martin to a heckler
When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
-- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
%
You're all clear now, kid.
Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
-- Han Solo
%
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
%
You're already carrying the sphere!
%
You're always thinking you're gonna be
the one that makes 'em act different.
-- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
%
You're at the end of the road again.
%
You're at Witt's End.
%
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
%
You're definitely on their list.
The question to ask next is what list it is.
%
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
-- Eldridge Cleaver
%
You're growing out of some of your problems,
but there are others that you're growing into.
%
"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
-- Swamp Thing
%
You're not Dave. Who are you?
%
You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
%
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
%
You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
%
You're working under a slight handicap.
You happen to be human.
%
Yours is not to reason why,
Just to Sail Away.
And when you find you have to throw
Your Legacy away;
Remember life as was it is,
And is as it were;
Chasing sounds across the galaxy
'Till silence is but a blur.
-- QYX.
%
Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
%
Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
-- Robert F. Kennedy
%
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
%
Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
%
Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
-- Dorothy Fuldheim
%
Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Youth is the trustee of posterity.
%
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
%
You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
-- Eugene Ionesco
%
You've been Berkeley'ed!
%
You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
and now you're telling me just to be myself?
-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
%
You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
%
"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
YO-YO:
Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
(see also Computer).
%
Zall's Laws:
1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
will be wrong.
2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
door you're on.
%
zeal, n:
Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
%
Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
-- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
%
Zeus gave Leda the bird.
%
Zisla's Law:
If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
%
|